0 for 1 This Round

Meet a man,
Young and handsome,
Kind hearted and understands the importance of giving back.
Attends church and appreciates the arts.
Writing is his hobby...
Got a job and has his own business.

O-Kay!!!! Here comes the one-two, single with no kids.

Say what?

I know a lady,
Young and beautiful,
Kind hearted (at times... chuckle)
and understands the importance off giving back.
Loves the lord and creates the arts.
Pottery is her passion...
Got a job and owns her business.

HELLO!!! Here comes the one-two, single with no kids.

Say what?

Let's get this match started.
Lady smiles,
Gentleman greets,
Lady flirts,
Gentleman attempts to impress.

As honest as she is,
She saves the lies for the players,
She responds unamused.
No faking,
Or false impressions.
Ego CRUSHED.
Lifted him up and chopped him down,
With a single strike!

He was right,
She is NO joke.
Seriously?
The intimidation you feel in your gut,
Is REAL.

0 for 1 buddy.

Next round try again... she still likes you.
(chuckle, chuckle, chuckle)




Much luv until next week... peace :)

A Permanent Mistake?

Last week my friend and I had a discussion about tattoos. I have one. He doesn’t and is thinking about getting one. I laughed audibly and in my soul because he’s well past the age where a person should be thinking about getting tatted up for the first time. I told him that personally I think tattoos are foolish and if you haven’t done it in your teens or early twenties then the ship has sailed, get off the dock. It was an interesting conversation because at one point I also confessed that there are times now when I regret getting a tattoo and when I think about getting another one. And while this admission didn’t make any sense to him whatsoever my point was that you can only do certain foolish things at certain ages. Right?

Right. Okay. Please excuse me as I attempt to segue here.

Around this time last year my coworker told me that her homegirl had secretly gotten married. I met her homegirl a few times for lunches and I was blown away by this news! Mainly because her homegirl-a Black woman well into her 30s came off as a strong, educated, no nonsense (and Lord and ya’ll please forgive me) but possible Lesbian type of chick. It was just in my nosey attempt to confirm the latter that my coworker revealed that she had gotten married and only four people in the world knew about it (five including me). Who wasn’t included in the news were their mommas and siblings, this was a close friends only affair. After the shock wore off I was amazed and a little jealous of her friend’s ability to let caution blow in the wind. He’s a younger man, they hadn’t known each other for a long time and in fact lived in different cities. But when it came down to it, they took the marriage step because at the end of the day the relationship was about them…not everyone else.

Fast forward 365 days and my coworker’s homegirl is going through hell. She’s discovered a lot of things she didn’t know about her husband…including, but not limited to bouts with mental illness. She’s thinking about how to get out of this marriage with her sanity intact. With so many things going on in her life (she recently lost her job), homegirl ended up telling her mother. And if you can imagine a parent finding out that their child has done something secretly and more than a year has passed… then you know what her mom’s reaction was. It was more of a how could you have been so stupid then how do you need me to support you through this. And homegirl’s situation is a difficult and sad one right now.

I just think about how for a year I have admired this woman. She did something that I never could imagine myself doing…and to me that’s awesome! When I encountered homegirl in my post knowledge I couldn’t help but look at her a little differently. Giving her silent “you go girl” shout outs as she talked about her job or the holidays. But now that it hasn’t worked out and she’s going through, I suddenly find myself wondering how a woman well into her 30s, strong, educated and no nonsense could be foolish enough to let this happen to her. He mother asked her if she was so desperate to get married that doing this made sense to her? Ouch!

I just don’t know ya’ll. Aren’t secret marriages just for the sake of love and the relationship the type of foolish thing people do in their early 20s? Like tattoos, they may seem good at the time, and even cute for a little while afterward. But time always keeps moving, eventually someone else will see what you’ve done, and that totally bold and awesome thing you’ve done, might not look so cool when you realize that it’s now permanent part of you.

See You In Seven

I'm Not Your Superwoman

So what exactly do y’all think would happen if I gave up my Strong Black Woman card for a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, shit a few years even? Would I ever get it back or would it be permanently revoked? I understand that as Black women we are supposed to be all things to everybody cause that’s how our mamas did it, our grandmamas did it, they mamas mamas did it…that’s how us Black women have survived through slavery, brutal rapes, family separation, Jim Crow, the Great Migration, segregation, discrimination, racism, strife, disease, poverty, and just regular day-to-day living. But I gotta admit something, I’m tired. I need a break. And I don’t even have kids or a husband, so I can only imagine the extra stress those things bring.

I do have what seems to be that innate gene in Black women that makes us feel that we have to carry the world on our backs, like Atlas. But what if we shrugged? What if we took time for ourselves and did what made us happy for once? Forget what our friends, our family, our church, our co-workers, our men (or the man we tryna get) say we need to do, should be doing, haven’t done, please volunteer for this, please cook something and bring it to the potluck, teach Sunday School, chair this committee, read this essay for your cousin applying to college, help mama with this, the dishes need doing, your husband or man needs loving, the kids noses need wiping…what if we just said fuck it all and lived for us?

This subject has been on my mind since I saw Keyshia Cole’s reality show The Way It Is on BET. Her sister Neffe went to a medical facility to be tested for STD’s because she found out that her last partner was a drug user. What she found out instead was that she was 6 weeks pregnant. Now this is a woman who already has 3 children, who is separated from her husband and has had a lifetime of hardships and strife. When she found out she was pregnant, her face fell, her whole body language just screamed defeated and you could tell that she was not prepared to have another baby.

Now, I could have gotten on my high horse and criticized her decision making skills, but the following scene with her riding in the car from the clinic shook me to my core. She started yelling and screaming (can’t remember about what) but it was clear that it was misplaced anger about finding out she was pregnant. And then it hit me. She is the face of depression. She is so many Black women who mask their depression by putting on that Angry Black Woman and/or Strong Black Woman façade…you know the two can be interchangeable right? And sometimes they happen at the same time, when we get to sucking our teeth, rolling our necks, cussing and kicking that man out, talking bout we don’t need him, whilst making our kids a sandwich. Like so many Black women, Neffe had shoved her sadness into a deep, dark place and what we saw was merely a manifestation of that depression.

Luckily Neffe was getting therapy. But so many of us are not. We are carrying that tired, old, heavy mantra that we “can do it all by our damn selves.” Um, we can’t. We shouldn’t have to. We have to shift some of the weight (easier said than done, I know, I know). Alright then, we’ve got to drop some of the load. Admit that some things and everything just can’t get done. Admit that you need help. Cause you know what happens when you don’t. Depression reveals itself in: anger, overeating, low self esteem, substance abuse, sex, anything to numb the pain. Don’t believe me? I’ll kick it Dark & Stormy style and provide you with an article that provides some statistics. It seems true what they say, everyone but a Black woman, is entitled to a nervous breakdown.

When I look back at my childhood, one thing I admire about my mother (a mental health professional-go figure) was that she always took time out for herself. She always made time to get her nails done, her hair done, to hang out with her sisters and be away from work, husband and kids. Sometimes she would close her bedroom door and tell me and my brother that she needed to be alone and not to bother her unless we were bleeding. And we did as we were told and left her alone.

Sometimes when I tell this story, people (women in particular) can’t comprehend that my mother made time for herself. The fact that she took a few hours to herself seems so selfish. But I think that she understood the importance of being with herself, in stillness, peace and silence. I think this kept her sane, grounded and strong. Really strong. Now sometimes she took on more than she could handle, the Church Lady was more than just a nickname as she was Church School Director, Vacation Bible School Director, Board member, Girl Scout leader the list was endless. But when she became ill, she cut back. If she can’t or doesn’t want to do something, she says no. And she holds her ground.

As I get older, I find myself taking on a lot of responsibilities. And sometimes it becomes overwhelming: working, side hustling, volunteering, trying to fulfill my personal dreams and have a social life. And I wonder, who can I turn to if I’m always the one who is called on? When do I get to crack? Sometimes I fear that maybe I say “yes” to too many things, so that I don’t have to time to be sad. And that’s not the way to go either. Balance is necessary. Listening to my body and accepting my emotions are necessary. I am reminded of lyrics from Jill Scott’s song, I Keep : I keep smiling when I come through, and I cry when I need to…So, I am learning to find joy in all aspects of my life. I am learning to stop worrying about what I don’t have yet and just keep moving towards my goals. I’m learning to take care of myself first because it’s the most that I can do. I am beginning to accept that I can’t do it all. And I’m not even going to try. So let me get that Strong Black Woman guest pass.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday! Author’s Note: Tomorrow is World Aids Day. Please check Dark & Stormy’s post from Monday. The statistics are real. If you haven’t been tested, please do so. Know your status and be safe out there!