Love without Marriage

Good Morning ya’ll! I am really about to shake it up.

A while back I was telling Amaretto when you are wealthy, who needs marriage and she was in a state of surprise, like that was the craziest thing she ever heard come out of my mouth. (chuckle) And we all know this is not true. I have been known to think completely off the wall.
Com’on just because you have been brainwashed to believe love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage doesn’t mean it really does. I always said if I was wealthy, and in this particular convo Oprah was my point of reference, what would be the point of getting married? Oh yes… I said this while I was married, straight up and down! Mr heard and he tossed it away to my wifely ramblings because hey I wasn’t wealthy so it was irrelevant. But since it is my day and you guys like it when I talk crazy let me let CC commence her post.

First let’s put this into context… money opens up a lot of doors and alleviates many concerns. We try to imagine if money wasn’t an issue and we really can’t truly fathom it. It is like a goldfish comprehending to live in a huge fresh water lake with unlimited food. You just don’t have the capacity until you are there or have been exposed. The self restraint… please… foreign concept. I know how I am at work when they give me an inch so try and imagine if no one told me no ever!

So with that said I think about all the average day people concerns as far as marriage is concerned… let’s start with the non-financials.

1. We can co-habit
2. Sleep in the same bed every night
3. Shower together
4. Cook meals together
5. Attend events
6. Share our home
7. Throw parties
8. Raise kids in a two parent household…

I could go on but you get the point. Now, picture how you would do all of these things if you weren’t married. Come on do it… you know a bunch of people out there already doing this so keep it real… it is not even about the marriage.

Shall we examine the financials…

1. Combined income
2. Reduced health insurance
3. Reduced cost of living…

I am not even going to go any further with this one because we all know that at millionaire status this all irrelevant unless you are super frugal. The everyday average benefits of marriage don’t necessarily apply to the wealthy Jane. This is just a thought so when I hear stories about marriage behaving in a different fashion (ie. Signing bonuses, etc) I have to think something slightly different is going on there besides that regular, I love you-let’s get married and have some babies. Marriage must mean something different.

And this is true for everyone, rich or poor… marriage is different for everyone. For me it goes back to values. CC is done. (chuckle) Two people need to share the same values before they make life decisions or commitments.

Side note: Maybe that is why she went up side his head, Woods changed the value structure… he paid for her trust and 10 year-commitment at the beginning of the marriage in return for his lifestyle and loyalty and he broke the agreement. Who said this had anything to do with love? You never know.

Much luv until next week... peace :)

free yourself

i’m a firm believer that when a man wants you, he wants you. until he doesn’t want you no more. and then you, my dear, are just out in the cold, tossed to the side like a $2 hoe. now this change in the wind can happen over many years time or within a matter of seconds. the change could be due to something you let slip out your mouth when your guard was down, thinking that ya’ll was cool like that and you could share with him some of your deepest thoughts and insecurities. or it coulda been when he met someone who was almost as good as you but maybe a little shorter (or taller) and lighter (or darker) depending on the man. could be because he's a punk ass bitch ass punk! doesn't really matter the reason.

he. just. don't. want. you. no. more.

now as a free thinking individual, i can’t hate on this, in principle. a person has the right to love/like who that person wants, when and where they want until they don't want to no more.

but as a woman, as a pisces, who when she loves she tends to cling, this shit irks me!
makes me want to slap a mf'er dead in his mouth.
makes me want to gather all the intelligence i can about the other and then call up rum punch and tell her how much better i am than that other in each and every way.
makes me want to go home, get in the bed with a pint of ice cream and cry.
makes me want to say muthafucka, i'm the shit, and it was a privilege for you to rock with me, so fuck you!

but after you get alladat out, you take a deep breath, count to 10 and look for the lesson. reflect on YOU and what you can learn from the situation, how you can become a better woman. and keep it movin, cause he damn sure has.

so ladies remember this: when a man really wants a woman he will lock her down. he will make it so that no other man sniffs around. he will let it be known that he’s interested in her and only her. he won't have time for anyone else. his focus will be on you and only you. a good friend of mine said this: “you deserve someone that loves you for you. and misses you when you leave just to go to the store and wants you to be the mother of their children." if at any time you get a hint that he not waiting by that door for you to come back from walmart, it's time for you to start asking questions. breaking dishes. kicking ass and taking names. so you can know. so you can tell him to stop the car and let you out before he slows down to 5 mph, reaches over, opens the door and shoves your ass out.

so you can not want him no more, too!

goin to the chapel

the other day i was talkin to a co worker about marriage. and she said that when she hears that one of her college or grad school friends is gettin married, her first thought is usually "why not me, I'm just as _________ as she is..." We chuckled but homegirl was serious. I told her that I'm usually happy for the bride. Like my friend that's gettin married this weekend for example. During our time in law school together, my friend would always say that she never thot she'd get married and she was fine with that. More than fine, she was happy with her life. Then bam, one day she decides to sign up for match.com on a whim and meets her soon to be huzband on her first time out. So, I told co-worker, when I hear a friend of mine is engaged I'm usually happy. Cause love is all around us and so the feeling grows.... I think we as single ladies should not be salty and send bad karmic vibes into the atmosphere when we hear one of our own is leaving the field. Don't hate, celebrate.

So all the single ladies, all the single ladies, put your hands up! What do you say or think when your friends tell you that they just got engaged?

Living in the truth?

I found myself today contemplating What is the difference between the chick who sticks around knowing he is lying and the chick who believes the lies and sticks around?

Okay before I begin... let me paint the scene. This scenario involves two women...Jack-kay! and Jacquelyn. Both women are well educated, independent, and of course...single. Both understand the desire for a man in their life and both are involved in the same type relationship.

Each woman is seeing a guy who is sauve, smart, funny and charismatic...everybody loves them some of this golden boy. (Of course golden boy knows this too.) And did I mention golden boy is super busy cause he is forever getting invited somewhere.

Nonetheless, Jack-kay! and Jacquelyn are hard working chicks. Their calendars too are always booked. But each knows that GB (golden boy) is a smooth brother. Each believes that the ladies must be throwing the panties at him because they have each been tempted in the past to do so. Each knows deep down inside that he is not right for them and he doesn't want a relationship. But no matter how many dinners he cooks and sweet love letters he writes, he knows that GB loves them as a friend and would do whatever it takes to keep them as a friend, with or without benefits.

SO here is where the two differ...

Jack-kay! is quick to remind GB, "I know you don't want a relationship, which I am not even sure if that is something I want from you, so I will accept what you have to offer right now because it is fun." Whereas, Jacquelyn is like "Why won't you be with me? You say you love me..." and we know how that story goes. Jacquelyn pines for GB to wake-up-and-smell-the-coffee and demand to be her man. Jack-kay! stays on the grind dating but still allows GB to come and go as he pleases.

I know how most people feel about Jacquelyn--her scenario is somewhat sad. BUT Jack-kay! is she sad also?

Much luv until next week...peace :)

all things being (un)equal

The other night Rum Punch and I were sippin on some $2 cocktails and discussing love and relationships as we are often known to do. This fine night we landed on the subject of who should love who more in a relationship – the man or the woman? Our informal poll yielded the following results:

the MAN - 2

the WOMAN - nada

Now the EEOC love police would immediately cry foul. The love between a man and a woman should be equal. Not talkin' bout 60-40, not no 70-30 but 50-50 love. But reality bites!

Just like salaries, shoe sizes and body parts, men and women are not created equal. Mix in personality differences and varying life experiences and you will find that when two people get together in a relationship, one person is bound to be feeling the other person, be caught up in the rapture at least a teeny tiny bit more than the other person. Such is life.

And if I have a say in the matter, I want my husband to love me more. Tis the only way.

The man just has to the love the woman more. He has to adore her. In his heart and in his soul, he's got be thinking, Until the end of time I’ll be there for you, you own my heart and mind, I truly adore you. (c) Prince. If it’s about her, he has to be about it. Here's why:

Because men, by their nature, are prone to have a wandering eye. There might be some exceptionally diligent and thoughtful men out there but on the whole by their nature men like to look. They are physical visual creatures. If an attractive woman crosses their path they will look or at least think about looking. That’s why male rape is laughable. That’s why when they cheat they say it didn't mean anything. So to counteract this natural tendency toward cheating and unfaithfulness there has to be some countervailing force, some thing so strong that makes a man want to be faithful above all else. If he adores his girl/wife and he loves her with all his heart, he’ll be less likely to cheat. He’ll consider her feelings more often and more strongly before he lets his mind go too far down that path.

Contrastingly if the woman loves the man more then SHE will be more prone to that countervailing force, that faithfulness will act upon her in a cooresponding and oftentimes devastating way. Women by their nature love hard, love strong and love in the face of adversity, common sense and sometimes all reason. We love even when love didn’t bring his ass home last night. We love creeping down behind the bar watching from across the room when he said he was working late. We love over indiscretions and slights. And so if we love that man more (and he knows it), it’s a wrap! Because that greater love will translate to unfailing faithfulness.

So like I said if I had a choice he'd love me more.

what say you?

You Can't Lose Something You Never Had

Last week Sunday I attended my first MJB concert. If I say she gave an amazing performance I would be understating the FANTASTIC, FIERCE, FABOLOUS performance she gave. (I am officially an MJB fan for life...not that I don’t have all of her albums already.)

While waiting in line, my friend commenced a conversation with the couple in front of us about the subjects of Mary's songs. Not to my surprise, the guy says "she writes songs for the ladies...and that gets on my nerves sometimes."

Well that is right Mr. X!
She says the things that we don't want to hear but need to.
Thanks Mary.

For example, the lyrics from her song The Love I Never Had. When I tell you these lyrics hit home, I mean they rocked me to the core. She had a point. Sometimes we are so distracted by other emotions we don't even realize it...but you can't lose something you never had.

You know sometimes

There comes a time in your life

When you love something

You got to let it go

And even though

You might feel there's still something there

You have to wake up

Stop leaving in a dream

Cause it's over now

You got to think about you

I have always wondered why

Why I can't live without you babe

And I'm longing to be your lady

I understand that you are leaving

Please don't live here without me baby

Cause I think I might go insane

Cause everybody needs someone to love

And I know that it's true

And I know that it's you

I don't understand

Why you can't be my man

So I better wake up

Stop living in a dream

Yes I better wake up

Cause I can't lose the love I never had

Yeah I better wake up

As painful as it seems

Yes I better wake up

I can not lose the love I never had.

- Mary J Blige

Try to keep this in mind ladies!
Peace :)

The Fairest One of All

The other day I had brunch with a friend, and for the sake of story I’ll just call him Buddy. Buddy and I get together from time to time to catch up and reminisce about our past lives. Buddy is a friend I acquired a couple of years ago in adulthood through a series of random events that didn’t include a class project, a social networking event, or a church group. Buddy and I met in the trenches of a call center part time hustle, and while soliciting the opinions of good old Americans, we bonded over books and twenty-something brokeness.

So anyway, we are eating and having a time that’s good, when he updates me on the plight of his best friend who has recently experienced a devastating breakup. Her former dude has caused her to go all “Crazy Chick” because he essentially broke up with her without rhyme or reason. And in her breakup grief she has been on suicide watch. In anger has driven, with a female friend in tow, to his job…all without resolution to their three year relationship. Buddy then explained that now she is convinced that there is something wrong with her, and therefore there is something that she needs to change. And no, she isn’t thinking of the let this all go and let God variety… More like the “Doctor, more tits and ass please. And could you also throw in some lypo for good measure?”

Oh no! Hell Naw!

I said Buddy, did you tell her ain’t no nigga worth that?! He nodded, then shrugged. Because really what could he say, she’s already decided that is her solution. *Sigh* But the whole thing got me thinking about plastic surgery and how the idea has crossed my mind as a solution, but the outcome weighted against the needless risk I pretty have decided I'm not trying to undergo surgery just cause.

Looking back at childhood photographs I can say that I was one funny looking kid! I am so thankful for time and new gene expression because things weren’t looking so good for the home team! My older male cousin once told me that when comparing me to my other female cousins, he and my grandma (that mean old lady) had concluded that it was a good thing that I was at least smart. And that conversation led me down the rabbit hole of recollection where I don’t ever remember my parents fawning over my looks or even saying that I was beautiful. My father, and extremely intelligent man, told me that he believed that I was much smarter that he…and I remember being extremely pleased with that.

And so I don’t know what the lack of praise in my youth has done for my outlook on all things vain. It stands to reason that I should have a complex of some sort. But I will say that as my hair grew, and the braces came off, and the breasts grew bigger than my belly it was a pleasant shock as the old ladies started to say I was looking more and more like my mother, and less and less like my father. Thank the Lawd! For real ya'll!

But I’m aware that my outcome could have been different and my transition from a funny looking kid could have been to that of an ugly woman. And as a woman it’s difficult to exist in America if you don’t think you are beautiful. A few years ago I remember MTV had a show that allowed youngsters to undergo plastic surgery to look like their favorite pop culture idol. And I often wanted to know if they thought it was worth the pain and the risk, and how they feel about their decision today?

I think about what Buddy’s friend will do when ole boy still doesn’t want her or even to give her a reason to why they didn’t work out. What then? When I’m not looking in the mirror I feel like I’m pretty much the same smart little Amaretto who enjoys reading and puppies. And of course there is plenty of room for improvement but as cliché as it sounds, I am really of the thinking that it’s what folks got on the inside that's beautiful, and so therefore I am.

See You In Seven