better late than never

for the past few months it's been damn near impossible for me to post here.  not for a lack of thoughts and feelings swirling through my head.  not because there hasn't been plenty work dramer to editorialize.  but mostly because i didn't have time.  or i didn't make the time.  seemed like most thursdays of late i had something better to do or somewhere better to be.  and now that we've come to the last post, i regret not having posted on those thursdays past.  because now there won't be anymore thursdays here.

as i looked over the 200 pages or so of what i've written here, i'm amazed at the things that i've shared.  at the secrets i've let slip.  at the raw emotions that i've expressed.  and i am forever grateful for the opportunity to have written here.  to have opened myself up to you, our anonymous 10 to 20 regular readers.  shouts out to mrs. meany for always reading and commenting and to that other girl from jersey for never commenting but always reading!

when we started out, i thought i'd write about legal things since that's what i do for a living.  but actually law related topics took up only a small portion of what i've contributed here.  it wasn't until amaretto shouted me out on wednesday  "for always defending love in all it’s forms!" that i thought ahhh yes, love is the thing!

it's the thing i struggle with expressing some times with friends and family.  it's the thing i hold on to so tight for fear that if i let it show, i will lose it, lose myself.  it's the thing i so often wish i'd said in that moment when i felt most angry or sad or overjoyed.  but that i held inside and thought about over and over again after i walked away.


the beauty of the 5spot is that it has allowed me to show it. even on my perpetually delayed timing.  whatever i have been through, if it stuck with me, kept me up at nights, made me want to tell somebody about it, i could do it here.  i could sit down, think it over, read it back to myself and realize what my true feelings were about it.  and then hit post.

so thank you 5spot.  thank you dark&stormy, couvoisier, amaretto, bellini and rum punch.   thank you for putting up with my quirky inability to capitalize properly.  thank you for reading even when i wasn't quite on schedule, but always on time.

i love ya'll!

The Advent Season

Time stops for no one.

Life will always go on...

Even though I know these clichéd truths I feel as I write this post that the close of this year brings a season finale in my life. You remember what it was like to watch your favorite show all year. To get to know the characters and their storylines for months for it all to be concluded in an extra special hour long presentation episode? In this episode things were resolved, folks where happy and in the last few moments a cliffhanger storyline began. As the viewer I just couldn’t wait to watch what the new season would have in store come fall. And it is with similar expectancy that I wonder what is going to happen next…

Before this year began I said that I would be getting mine in oh-nine! I proclaimed this mantra half believing it, but mostly from the frustration about where I was in life. And without ecking out the details or borderline getting my brag on I will state that I feel like this mantra set the stage for me to truly get mine this year. My life is in a total different place now than when everyone was running around worried about Y2K. (Ha ha ha! Computers are like cockroaches!) And I know that we all have been through some thangs, made it over, were tested and tried since 1999 ended-but aren’t we better, stronger, wiser, freer and growner for it? I am just going to speak for ya’ll right here and say Yes we is! Yes we is!

I feel like I have moved beyond several of the challenges that I was faced with in 2000, 2001, 2002, oh heck every year had its share of challenges! But I wonder about the Amaretto I would have become if I didn’t have to move 9 times, didn’t work as a part time teller, didn’t get the diagnosis, never had crippling debt, never had my heart ache or break, never screamed out Fcuk the world don’t ask me for…

But I thank God from the depths of my soul for his infinite wisdom and constant provision. I couldn’t have made it otherwise. I wouldn’t have learned any other way. I couldn’t be able to cope with this thing called life with out knowing, praying and expecting change. And not that Obama kind of change-the real deal! And I will take off my saved and sanctified hat to confess that there were many “Why me, Lord and not them?” moments. If Amaretto Jenkins was allowed to run things I would have chosen an easier breezier course with lots of money and no pain…but I’d probably be a horrible jerky biznat of a person with no friends to keep it real and check me when necessary! I wouldn’t be the woman I am today or the woman I am destined to be in the next decade, and I am not trying to miss out on that!

So during this season of advent I eagerly and not fearfully await what will happen next.

Until next season…Merry Christmas Ya’ll!

See You in the New Year!

525,600 Minutes

So this is my third post Thanksgiving post. Two years ago I wrote about Big Mamas. Or the lack thereof. Last year, my post was cut short, because someone had broken into my car. And that leads me to the point of this year’s post. Dang really – have two years really gone by?!? I don’t even know what I was thinking about two years ago – unless I read my old posts. And my car being broken into a year ago seemed like such a HUGE deal – if only I had known that months later it would actually get stolen. Lol. And when I think of these things it causes me to wanna break out into song and start singing, “525,600 minutes. How do you measure, measure a year?”

"525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?" Seasons of Love, Rent the Musical

Last November I was unemployed, living with my mama, knee deep in like with this man. A year later – I work a job that I love, I have bought a house, and I am now waist deep in dislike with that nygga. Trying to get it down to the knees though. Lol. And so how does one measure a year like that? One can’t count the joy and ignore the pain. One can’t focus solely on the many tears that were shed and forget that there was lots of laughter there too. And one must be grateful for the good, bad and the that sho’ll was ugly – cause it’s all there for a reason.

And so I measure this year in the ordinary. In the everyday. Not in the extremes, but in the things that kept me sane and grounded. The simple things, the lovely, simple things. My grandmama’s Thursday fried chicken and biscuit dinners; weekly Bible Study with my old folk; my daily gmail chats with Mint Julep full of rants, philosophies, and gripes on men folk; great trips with 5 spot; dozens of little girls from the hood telling me how much they love the program I provide thus making me love my job even more; this here blog; my mama’s smile; my parents empty bed that I climb into when I’m feeling blue to watch TV or nap; lazy Saturday afternoons with marathons of The Game; my three aunties whose houses always serve as refuge and whose ears are always open; my daddy calling me beautiful; my brother and I sharing a laugh at anything, everything and nothing in particular; my drive to and from work that serves as me-time where I sing loudly and dance to my favorite songs - regardless of if white people are lookin at me; free drinks from my bartender boos; dinners with the girls where things start with a giggle, then become a laugh, then guffaws; my mama and granny seeing me off every morning like it’s my first day of school telling me to have a great day; my afternoon tea; evening TV watching; annual family gatherings and regular church services. And in all of that ordinary, in all of that everyday, there were unexpected lessons. But even better there was love. Lots of love. And for that I am thankful.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

Throwback Tuesday part I

My apologies ya'll, its another crazy day in la officina and I am trying to fight off the cold my coworker brought up in here-why don't people just stay home when they are sick? I think me myself personally will be leaving working early myself! So I am going to have to give ya'll another Amaretto throwback. I wrote this over two years ago and I think the sentiment still rings true, where is the time going?

See You In Seven
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Holding Back the Years

I can’t believe that it’s already November. What happened to those seemingly endless summer days of childhood? Seriously, what happened to this past summer? As the calendar keeps advancing I keep pushing deadlines for personal goals farther back. As Stormy said, 30 is the new 20 right? So having it all together which includes-career, doting husband, 2.5 kids, house (maybe in a gated community) and all around fabulousness-can wait until I’m forty, because I don’t think I’ll have it all within the next four years. And while I don’t want, nor plan to wait that long, I do wish I could hold time back a bit.

A couple weeks ago I ran into a dude I went to high school with. He was neither friend nor foe so I was going to act like I didn’t see him. But he decided to say hello and so we got to talking, well gossiping about our former classmates. He told me about so and so who lost their mind in college drinking and “experimenting.” And about such and such who quit her job because she’s engaged to some rich guy. And he, himself was expecting his first child with a girlfriend. So many changes have occurred for some people yet sometimes I feel like I’m in the exact same place I was nearly ten years ago.

These type of conversations get one to being introspective and I began to think about young Amaretto and the person she was. Back in the day, it was so important to get my crush to notice me. So I would plan to accidentally bump into him in the hallway. There was always a plan to smoke and drink at someone’s house when their parents were away. And Friday and Saturday nights were spent cruising the streets in a friend’s broke down car-sanging along with the radio. Good times! But along with the trivial there were plans for what my adult self would do…

I guess this is what getting older is like. Planning, living, revising, reminiscing, wondering, and letting go. This song has been speaking to me lately. It was hot when I was like four and the video’s fashions are quite hilarious. But this British group, Simply Red must have known that folks would be able to relate to the feeling and fear of wasting our limited time…

Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to my future and keeping my past where it belongs- behind me. It’s just sometimes I think about young Amaretto who really thought I would have it all together by thirty. Such a lofty, and maybe slight crazy, goal-but even still, I don’t want to fail us. Occasionally I wish time would slow up, but since that’s not going to happen I’ll keep striving during these years to make young Amaretto’s dreams my reality.

Looking Back

It's been one of those days at the office where you just want to throw up the deuces and walk out! I think me taking a "slick"day yesterday has not helped my workload! But alas alack you can't just tell everyone to kiss your grits and walk out when you are a grown up girl in the grown up world of working. I got bills to pay and other responsibilities...so let me put on a happy face, tap dance and just deal with these folks....

But before I do, let me procrastinate for a minute (or an hour)...

One of the things I enjoy about blogging and other forms of chronicling life is the ability to look back. I recently stumbled across some diary entries from 2001 and wondered what the heck was a thinking?! And even though I knew it was me who penned those entries it didn't sound like me at all! There was as stark contrast between me just entering my twenties from me today, and thank God for that! I was a fool! And there is something to be said about time, growth and development, and what should be said is that its freaking awesome if people fall back and just let it naturally progress! And there is something to be said about having the ability to look back over your life and see just have far you have come, so that the journey-with all it's bumps can be appreciated.

So hopefully you are seeing this a a clever way for me to not write a brand spanking fresh and new post this week and offer this throwback post! http://5andapossible.blogspot.com/2008/01/audacity-to-hope.html

Oh when I was excited and thankful for my job. Ha ha ha! Those where the days. It helps to see Amaretto from back then, though the excitement about my job has long since waned, I am still truly thankful to be in the land of both the living and the working!


See You In Seven

Sky Blue?

So when you are a single 20 something going through life a lot of time is spent assessing your relationships with people. Well let me not speak for all 20 something kind, let me just speak for myself. I think I spend a lot of time thinking about my relationships with people. My friends, my parents and the men folk that I know. And it can be a confusing thing to say the least. I mean for most of my life I knew the was sky plain old blue, but now with age, experience, enlightenment and the changes and turnarounds I’ve gone through in life…I wonder is the sky just plain old blue? Is it maybe cyan, azure or cerulean? I’m finding that it’s the subtle differences that change everything!

So my philosophy on love and men folks got further messed up this weekend after Rum Punch and I saw 500 Days of Summer. It's was a cute quirky movie in which Boy meets Girl, and though the movie forewarns you that it is not a love story, I was still shocked when the plot twisted and turned to devastation. In the flick the Boy is all about love. He ascribed to the school that when you find that person, the ONE, then it will be clear and obvious and you’ll just know that this is the person for you. Rum Punch said that it was clear that he was smitten-smitten is such a nice word isn’t it? Anyways, the Girl, not so smitten. She wasn’t drinking the boy’s Kool-Aid. She wasn’t a believer in that mystic must be fate, love brought us together stuff…until. Until, through a series of events she becomes a believer because she finally knew what the boy was talking about-that when you meet that person, the ONE you just know.

Well ladies, and lone gentlemen this is where the confusion sets in, because as this movie imitated life the Boy truly felt that the girl was the one. He just knew it. But the girl was not immediately convinced. So what gives? How many of us have met a person and thought this could be it They could be the one? And so how are any of us supposed to know when the connection has been made or hasn’t been made? Which is part of the reason why my philosophy on love and men folks did not include these here today gone tomorrow type of feelings of love. In my mind it was all about partnership with a person who brought something to the table but could also make me laugh, but we’d mutually work towards the goal of making it in life. But this movie and people that I have recently let into my life all believe there should be feelings and a sort of knowing that This.Is.It! And I wonder Really?

And so begins the rocking of Ameretto’s little boat under a blue sky on blue water. Because I’ve heard the stories where the woman knew before the man spoke that he was the one and was willing to wait until he got the clue. Or that they both knew instantly. I’ve heard the stories about two friends getting together after years of just being friends. Two strangers, just strangers staring at each other from across the crowded room, and at the 50th Anniversary their single grandkids look on in awe and amazement, because things like that just don’t happen anymore. So how does the story of the one go? How should it go?

And it would be nice if this feeling of knowing really existed. And who am I to say that it doesn’t. If you could know before you put in the work that a relationship requires. I just have never felt that sense of knowing with anyone. And maybe foolishly or wisely I just thought knowing this person you just told things you never told anyone else was enough because certain love doesn’t exist. But maybe it does. And because it does, that’s the reason why I am single. As I sit here in my slowly rocking boat, I think maybe the sky is more cerulean than just blue, and love it just waiting for the right moment for me to get to know it.

See You In Seven

A Paper Torn

Just like the BET awards, its now my turn to share my Michael Jackson moment! Watch out for the bandwagon!

I first learned about Michael in front of a giant floor model television (you know the ones that took most of the living room and held everything from family pictures, to a newer television on top) at my grandparents’ house. My cousin, who is a couple months older loved her some Thriller, for me, it was all about Billy Jean. Before knowing anything about paternity tests or baby momma dramas, I knew I loved walking on the title floor squares-wishing they would light up. And because adult folks love getting free entertainment from the antics of their kids, I was totally encouraged to sing, throw my pretend hat and spin around until I fell. There was laughter, there was clapping and most importantly there were some good times! And that’s what Michael’s music conjurers up for me, good times at the party, good times at the cookout, good times dancing in the car at a red light while a cop looks over, smiles and shakes his head (that was just Friday night).

Mike’s music was great but his life definitely had its ups and downs. As I listened to the media folks a lot of outlets in mainstream America could not resist bringing up old shyt- the child molestation case, his changing appearance, the fact that he may or may not be broke. Meanwhile, back in the Black community there was nothing but love. Sure, during Mike’s life we all cracked jokes, talked about how weird he was, wondered how unhuman he was going to make himself look after it was all said and done. But in my community, in death there was nothing but respect for a man who gave us good times. Even my pastor was moonwalking in the pulpit on Sunday…of course he tied it all together with Jesus and our salvation…but still, some Amens were shouted and everyone got up on their feet.

One of the things that I have been thinking about for the past few days was Mike’s reputation. While we all loved Michael Jackson the entertainer, we knew something wasn’t quite right with the man. It’s interesting to me that even in his death the downs he experienced in his life are eclipsing his philanthropy, the conscious messages in his music or even his humanitarian work. There is an Asian (can’t recall if its Chinese or Japanese) saying that addresses speaking badly about people. In the beginning, it’s like Michael Jackson was a whole piece of paper. And over years pieces of him were torn up and scattered around by lawsuits, leeches, loneliness and low self esteem. And as the saying goes, no matter how long you search for these torn scattered little pieces you cannot put the paper back whole again. Why? Because some pieces are taken by others or destroyed in their environment. Some pieces you just can’t recover…no matter how hard you try. And I think that maybe in the end Mike was just tired of trying to get back the pieces that were lost. But me no know, I’m a 20 something in DC who only knew Michael Jackson through his music. But I hope that he has peace and is finally whole now.

See You In Seven

free yourself

i’m a firm believer that when a man wants you, he wants you. until he doesn’t want you no more. and then you, my dear, are just out in the cold, tossed to the side like a $2 hoe. now this change in the wind can happen over many years time or within a matter of seconds. the change could be due to something you let slip out your mouth when your guard was down, thinking that ya’ll was cool like that and you could share with him some of your deepest thoughts and insecurities. or it coulda been when he met someone who was almost as good as you but maybe a little shorter (or taller) and lighter (or darker) depending on the man. could be because he's a punk ass bitch ass punk! doesn't really matter the reason.

he. just. don't. want. you. no. more.

now as a free thinking individual, i can’t hate on this, in principle. a person has the right to love/like who that person wants, when and where they want until they don't want to no more.

but as a woman, as a pisces, who when she loves she tends to cling, this shit irks me!
makes me want to slap a mf'er dead in his mouth.
makes me want to gather all the intelligence i can about the other and then call up rum punch and tell her how much better i am than that other in each and every way.
makes me want to go home, get in the bed with a pint of ice cream and cry.
makes me want to say muthafucka, i'm the shit, and it was a privilege for you to rock with me, so fuck you!

but after you get alladat out, you take a deep breath, count to 10 and look for the lesson. reflect on YOU and what you can learn from the situation, how you can become a better woman. and keep it movin, cause he damn sure has.

so ladies remember this: when a man really wants a woman he will lock her down. he will make it so that no other man sniffs around. he will let it be known that he’s interested in her and only her. he won't have time for anyone else. his focus will be on you and only you. a good friend of mine said this: “you deserve someone that loves you for you. and misses you when you leave just to go to the store and wants you to be the mother of their children." if at any time you get a hint that he not waiting by that door for you to come back from walmart, it's time for you to start asking questions. breaking dishes. kicking ass and taking names. so you can know. so you can tell him to stop the car and let you out before he slows down to 5 mph, reaches over, opens the door and shoves your ass out.

so you can not want him no more, too!

In Good Times and Bad Times

When I was a little girl I had a certain vision for my life...

• I was going to go to and graduate from college
• I was going to start my career and be awesome
• I was going to marry the man I loved
• I was going to have a least 1 of my 2.5 kids

And I was going to do all of this by the time I was 30 and in that order! Ladies and lone gentleman please hold your applause...

Because by the time I was 20, the first step in my master plan pretty much when up in smoke, through a series of random events beyond my control...and I was therefore left looking at a life that I never expected and was unsure how I was going to live it!

Are you thinking So What Amaretto? Well here's the what...

From the time I was 20 and definitely all up and through the worst year of my life that was 2005 (check my April 14th post), there has been a seismic shift in how I view myself and this one life that I am allowed to live. I feel that everyone is going to experience some sort of setback (or setbacks) that will force us to reassess who we is and who we ain't. Looking back on my journals (aka diaries) I am shocked at the person that I twas. I really defined myself by material things. That if somehow I had da house, car, degree and money in the bank that I was someone successful, blessed and highly favored. Ha ha ha...what a foolish young lady Amaretto was.

And I can only call myself a fool because now I have gone through some stuff. I have gone through changes that had me wondering why these no good rotten things seemed to happen to me and me alone! The changes that had me crying at night or sometimes in the bathroom at work. The changes that had me drinking glasses of haterade because someone I knew was living their life like it was golden accomplishing great things while I felt stuck.


But throughout all these changes and turnarounds...it wasn't all bad. I truly was blessed to have people in my life who were constants my equation while I attempted to solve for the Y's in my life. I know, why so mushy, but I tend to get reflective when it's my birthday time and I realize another year has passed and I can see how so much has changed for from a mere 365 days ago. And while it hasn't all been good, just knowing that my friends have been cheering, supporting, praying for and encouraging my success is a blessing beyond anything I could have ever imagined for myself as a child.

I know there are many folks out here struggling in these days and times. Or wondering WTF happened to their life? Or how come they ain't got this or that... and believe me I wish I knew the answer or the reason. But I can say that it won't be that way forever. Even though my life is not what I envisioned or expected it's still been pretty freakin' awesome thanks to the peoples I've been blessed to call friends. When things get tough, we don't need legions of people to cry too. In the good times and in the bad times, that's what friends are for. Everyone has been blessed with one.

See You In Seven

The Worst of the Worse

Have you ever had one of those horrible, rotten, no-good, just awful years? The kind when month after month there seems to be another pound added to the amount you have to carry? It’s the type of year where you are tormented emotionally, financially and physically? And you just get to the point of wondering what did you do to deserve this?! Why is this happening to me and not them? 2005 was that year for me. A couple weeks ago I was talking to Rum Punch and something she said caused me to remember all the terribleness that was my 2005.

It started off pretty well-I got the good government job in January. Was told that my entry level position would be a gateway to bigger and better things… But then I met those who occupied the position…they had almost convinced me that my fate would be the same as theirs and I would be stuck where I was…for years!

Then in June I got into a car accident. Because I was operating on CP time I was running late for work, it was raining, I was speeding, hadn’t checked my tired pressure…and well coming off an exit I hit a puddle and hydroplaned into the guardrail. No one else was hit. As you can see I am alive to tell the tale. But my car was jacked up, I didn’t have money to get it fixed. Had to get familar with a life with a bus pass! : (

In October my grandfather died. He had been sick since June. Had a stoke. In and out of the hospital and rehabilitation centers. Since I had no car I took the train from DC to Newport News at least twice a month. I watched him get better, come home, get worse, go to the hospital. I watched my worried mother and grandmother do the best they could but they were helpless. He passed the day after I boarded the train back to DC.

In November, my college started filing paperwork to sue me for unpaid tuition. In 2000 my father wasn’t able to afford the price tag. I had to stop my education to join the working world. But my college wasn’t going to release my transcripts until I paid them the 25K I owed them…and they weren’t really trying to hear that “I ain’t got it dawg” excuse. Damn.

And really ya’ll there is a whole lot more that happened to me that year. I had a broken heart, almost had no place to live, continuously tried to make a dollar out of 15 cents… but I’m not trying to depress the masses. I’m just saying that while living my life now, I rarely think about the year that was 2005. Not saying that it was a blur, or I had forgotten, but I kind of chuckled while recalling those events, because they seem so distant to me now.

And today I was just thinking about the folks I know who are going through some really difficult times right now. Be it that they are not having the best year, or haven’t had the best years lately. They are wondering why this happening to them. Why they got to be broke, or sick, or divorced, or unemployed. Why their momma had to die, why they got to be the one getting sued...and I wish I knew the answer. But as they say, trouble don’t last always…and it’s true, it don’t. Now if someone told me that in 2005, I would have smiled politely and then turned around and rolled my eyes. But in 2009 I can say that things do get better. And I say that because I know from experience.

See You In Seven

Proud Family

When I was a young Amaretto, it used to annoy me when upon seeing family-n-friends back home they would comment on how much I had grown. As if that were not the natural order of things, most folks I know don’t have a Benjamin Button approach to life. But as a 12 year-old with big red plastic glasses and a brace face (no Invisalign back then-we’re talking about the shiny silver) I wasn’t trying to hear how much different I looked from the last time they saw me… But what I understand now, and totally didn’t get then, is that it is truly amazing to watch babies become people, complete with personalities, accomplishments and a new view on the ways of this here world.

Now that I am all up in this adulthood thing I have had to check myself a lot because that gosh darn individual I thought I was all those years ago is beginning to sound more and more like a momma. And not just any momma…but my momma, who is proud of anything I do. I guess there is nothing new under the sun. This weekend I bore witness to my 16 year old cousin presenting her award winning speech on the viability of the NAACP in front of an entire church congregation. Several of the people who heard the words that my cousin wrote recalled a time with the NAACP was the only organization speaking on behalf of the souls of black folks in this country. And it wasn’t what my cousin said that made my heart swell with pride and caused a tear to fall, it was the fact that I was there when she was born. I remember when she was the funny looking beady bead and bald head baby-and now she models. It’s hard to understand when all this growing up occurred, driving, looking at colleges, having a broken heart, but it’s what happens…and even though its commonplace it’s still amazing to me.

So yeah, just like how my mom reports every little thing I do to her friends…because every little thing I do is magic, I’m sending my friends updates on what’s going on in the life of my little cousins. And I am sure they could care less. Sorry ya’ll. But what I get now is that, unlike my cousins, I can remember way back when they were nothing (so to speak). And I can’t help but feel proud that the world can marvel at a finished product that I have watched grow up.

See You In Seven

A Season of Sacrificial Hearts

Turkey has been eaten. Lights have been hung on houses. Parties are being planned. I’d say it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Which also means it’s giving time! No matter the motivator, be it compassion, traditional obligation or tax write offs ‘tis the season to give, and give abundantly. It’s just a given that November and December are earmarked as our opportunities to volunteer in soup kitchens, give a dollar to the homeless man that we’ve ignored all year, and stroke out checks to our favorite charities. And at my good ole gov’ment job we have the annual combined federal campaign that takes giving to another level complete with contribution goals and participation quotas. And when the campaign is over-a big official can proudly profess that his organization cares about the community because we donated X million dollars.

So much for the warm and fuzzy feelings of giving right?

It’s hard not to feel some type of way about this office giving campaign when the coordinator is demanding contributions thinly veiled as opportunities to give. I know, I know it doesn’t really matter how the money got got as long as people are being helped. But as I look at the goal thermometer that shows my office is only at 36 percent of our financial goal, but nearly 80 percent have participated…I wonder what good is giving if it’s done grudgingly?

One of the biggest fights I had with my best friend in high school was about giving money to the street homeless. Yeah, we were progressive that way. Anyways, I asked her what was the point of giving her dollar when tomorrow he’d be there again, asking her again. She didn’t know if he was going to use it for beer or if he was really a well to do person just panhandling in the daytime. She acknowledged my position but she wasn’t going to use my logic to find an excuse not to have compassion. She said it in a less eloquent way of course-we were 16 at the time-but it was still a “Damn, don’t I suck as a human” moment!

…And it got me to thinking about my own attitude towards giving then, and I still wonder about it today.

I give regularly to church, but outside of that there is no consistency. A Tsunami Fund here, a Hurricane relief drive there, a Save the Children payroll deduction when the mood strikes. But on the daily basis am I using my resources to help someone other than myself, friends or someone I’m related to? If its April 23rd am I down with fixing sandwiches? And if I do go, will I go back on April 30th or the following week? My inner Scrooge already knows the answer to that one.

And it was that same Scrooge who was mumbling when the coordinator was asking me to participate in the campaign. As I was shaking my head at what the others in my office were willing to contribute, the folks that make a lot more money than I do, I realized that it doesn’t matter what they are moved to give, it’s about me and my heart. Even in this season of giving I’ve been keeping my fist closed. And throughout the year I haven’t been willing to make a grave financial sacrifice either. And that’s a sad revelation to have about oneself, especially when they’re supposed to be a Christian...

...To whom much is given, much is required. No matter the season.

See You in Seven