Looking Back

It's been one of those days at the office where you just want to throw up the deuces and walk out! I think me taking a "slick"day yesterday has not helped my workload! But alas alack you can't just tell everyone to kiss your grits and walk out when you are a grown up girl in the grown up world of working. I got bills to pay and other responsibilities...so let me put on a happy face, tap dance and just deal with these folks....

But before I do, let me procrastinate for a minute (or an hour)...

One of the things I enjoy about blogging and other forms of chronicling life is the ability to look back. I recently stumbled across some diary entries from 2001 and wondered what the heck was a thinking?! And even though I knew it was me who penned those entries it didn't sound like me at all! There was as stark contrast between me just entering my twenties from me today, and thank God for that! I was a fool! And there is something to be said about time, growth and development, and what should be said is that its freaking awesome if people fall back and just let it naturally progress! And there is something to be said about having the ability to look back over your life and see just have far you have come, so that the journey-with all it's bumps can be appreciated.

So hopefully you are seeing this a a clever way for me to not write a brand spanking fresh and new post this week and offer this throwback post! http://5andapossible.blogspot.com/2008/01/audacity-to-hope.html

Oh when I was excited and thankful for my job. Ha ha ha! Those where the days. It helps to see Amaretto from back then, though the excitement about my job has long since waned, I am still truly thankful to be in the land of both the living and the working!


See You In Seven

Dam, dam, dam James

So last week Dark & Stormy, y’all remember her right? Riight. Anyway. Last week she sent me this blog post. So basically the writer starts off talking about how beavers "pair up for life and take on the world, with its harsh environment and lurking predators, together." You know building dams and such.

The writer goes on to discuss how her grandparents were married at 20 years old, lived in a room in one of their parents’ home, had kids, saved enough money to buy some land that they leased out and then, "they basically went all beaverish in a rural outpost in the southwest corner of Georgia. They 'dammed up' some land and made a living for generations to come. " And then she wonders if in a day and age when everyone has to have their ish together before they take that big step – will our generation see our golden anniversaries? I mean let’s keep it real, will we see silver anniversaries?

Now anyone who knows me in real life, knows that in an ideal world, I’m all about building dams. So when I expressed my glee over this post, Dark & Stormy said, “but aren’t you doing the exact opposite?” Which is true – I have an undergrad degree, a grad degree, a real ‘job’, bout to be homeowner, etc., etc. And I said, “sure by design. Cause I have to eat. And I’m tired of living at my mama’s house. But if someone I really wanted to marry was like ‘yo let’s get this money TOGETHER,' I’d be all over it.” And I would. But that's not my reality right now.

Now usually when I lament the single life on this here blog, I tend to get a tad overly“bitter” and sorrowful. This is mainly done for effect. I mean it’s like I do be feeling this way, but I don’t stay feeling this way. It’s usually a passing feeling cause something seemingly dramatic has happened in my life to trigger that emotion. And I'm operating on a heightened level and y'all get to hear all about it on Friday! But…

As I get closer to being a homeowner and have been the roller coaster ride that is the home buying process, I realize there’s a reason why people wait til they’re a two to buy a home. There’s a reason why it’s just couples on the HGTV show House Hunters – notice the plural. And why the other HGTV show Property Virgins usually features newlyweds looking for their “dream” home. This house hunting/buying/owning mess is hard. No, it’s arduous. It’s annoying. Frustrating. Oh how I wish I could say, “honey. I have to work. Could you meet the home inspector?” Or, “honey. I’ma need your half of the money for that down payment.” Or, "honey. Can you believe the ish the seller is putting us through? Let's cry on each other's shoulders..."

And when I am going through, all up in, with what has got to be the biggest moment in my life thus far, when I must press on as a one, it makes me feel so conflicted. I’m proud of myself for taking this huge step, but at the same time, I’m like um should I really be taking this huge step alone? Like for real. Do I really need to own a home by myself at the ripe old age of 28? It’s not like I have kids who need a back yard to play. My parents aren’t kicking me out the house. But it feels like, if not now, (when interest rates are low and Obama is handing out 8 stacks) then when? When someone comes to sweep me off my feet and take me away from all this? Ha. These aren't the good ol’ days when people go courtin’ on they porches.

And then I get a little sad cause this is the reality for so many single, childless Black women, who unlike our white counterparts who think them being unmarried is a fluke and the one is still out there – we stop thinking there is a one all together.* And move on accordingly. Climb that corporate ladder. Be that church lady who stay going to everythang. Dress up wayy too fancy to be going out to Friday night dinners with just the girls. Travel the world with our sorors. Become some lil' child's play auntie.** We press on, heads held high, refusing to settle. Still holding out to be wives first, then mothers. Find ourselves dealing with silly nigs on the daily who aren’t ready to build dams together. And yet when we complain about the loneliness/fearfulness/wtf of our situation for two seconds, two seconds, we hear the same, “girl, live yo' life” refrain.

And so we go and do just that. Live our lives. And try to build our own dams alone. The best we can. But sometimes on the hard days, when there's no one to turn to. No one's shoulder to cry on -and daddies don't count. Mamas don't count. Best friends don't count. No one to bring you some wood to contribute to the dam. When you take inventory of your life - and like a never been married 50ish year old woman at Bible Study said the other night, "you go to your empty home on a Friday night and you ain't got no man, no kids, and you working a job you hate. Well..."

Well it's enough to make you want to give up the ghost, put down your wood, walk away, throw up both your hands and scream, damn, damn, damn James! I can't do this no mo'! And then you regroup. Take a deep breath. Return to your senses. And go back to building your life. And take comfort in knowing that you can hire some people to come help you move some of this wood.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

*My homegirl just told me, "I wonder if I can get used to this, being lonely forever."
** This might be its own post, but I think it's all downhill for single, Black women when we start to be someone's play auntie. Next thing you know 18 years have passed and we're still sending them birthday cards and putting their school pictures on our mantle.

Just cause it's Friday!

Growing Pains

So how do you determine adulthood? Like being all the way grown? I know according to the law, 18 years old = grown. But we all know that’s a lie, that’s a lie, that’s a lie. Sometimes I think I’m only quasi grown. This is mainly due to the fact that I’m not a home owner. For some reason, I think that once you got your own shyt, yo’ name on a deed, a piece of something that you gotta pay on every month so you can keep it, well then you grown. Like for real. And even though I work 40 hours, contribute to a retirement fund, pay my own bills, gotta fix my own car when it breaks down, I wonder if I’m really grown…

That is until I got on facebook tonight before I started writing this post and saw that our department’s intern (a Howard University student) is at an open mic in Hampton, Virginia. A four hour drive – for those of you who don’t know… And I’m wondering is her ass gon’ make it to work tomorrow morning? Cause we need her there. She has shyt to do. And that’s when I realized...

Damn it, I’m grown. Cause I wish I could hop in a car, with a devil may care attitude, and head down the highway, somewhere, anywhere, and not worry that I have sooo much work on my desk. And not have to weigh the pros and cons of if this is a good enough reason to use my leave. Cause you know that leave is sacred. Can’t go wasting it on some bullshyt. And even as I sit here with a cold, desperately wanting to call out sick, the grown woman in me is all, “Nah girl, you can’t let the ‘team’ down. You know y’all have a HUGE project coming up.” Dang this grownness! When did I start caring about a “team?” Who am I?

I mean here I am seriously planning a vacation in July. Eagerly anticipating those few glorious days of foolishness and debauchery. Like for real looking forward to it, crossing off the days on the wall like I'm in prison and shyt... And while I definitely don’t want to go backwards, it’s fun to remember a life with little responsibility.

When you could just call your supervisor and be like, “I ain’t coming in today.” And not have to give a for real explanation. Shyt. Sometimes you didn’t even bother calling cause you didn’t even need that damn job anyway. Or having someone call you and say, “What you doing?” And you say, “Nothing.” And they say, “Let’s ride.” And y’all get in a car (or for y’all ballers with a trust fund– a plane) and go. And you don't have to answer to anybody. Don't have to worry that you need to go to work, so you can make money to pay for x,y, and z. Haven't started worrying about saving money for: when you're old, or for a down payment on a car or a house or a new laptop cause your 'e' and 'r' kys ae missing... Tee hee. Just living in the moment, like it's gonna be this way forever. Ahhh the foolishness of youth...

I know a woman who always says, “you know sometimes you can grow old and not grow up. And that’s a shame.” Ain’t that the right. And so as I make better decisions in the present because I know they will directly affect my future, I recognize that I'm growing up. But there’s a little, tiny, part of me that’s slightly envious of my intern. But I know she better show up to work tomorrow or her ass is grass. But if she doesn’t. I’ll totally understand. And smile a little on the inside.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

live your life...

After New Year, I played phone tag with a friend (Kenny) who was attempting to exchange niceties. I caught up with him on Friday, and as our conversation evolved he shared a story about a friend (Ronald) who as of today should have relocated 3000 miles away (west coast). And Kenny informed me that besides himself, folks ain't too happy about him leaving. As six degrees of separation would have it, I know Ronald's best friend (Tony).

Apparently, Tony is being selfish. He doesn't want his road dog gone and have to settle for phone calls. Now Tony and Ronald are both parents, so I must add that Tony is worried about the welfare of Ronald's child. Last time I checked Ronald is a grown man. But apparently for Tony that's not enough, he is downright pissy.

Now, there is a lil' more to the story.

Ronald didn't relocate because of his job, it's because of a women. A young one I might add but age ain't nothin' but a number?, so with no family or friends on the west coast...Ronald put up his deuces sought a transfer with his job and said peace to the homies!
And men, think only women are emotional?!? Ha!
I also must add, that Ronald has never really ventured out of his home turf until he met Tony. Traveling and such is a new phenomenon for him. I reminded Kenny to inform Tony, that if it doesn't work out he'll come back east. And in the meantime,they can purchase plane tickets to vacation in a place where the sun and palm tress are plentiful. I really don't see the problem with Ronald living a little.

Even if Ronald living a little, may be initially perceived as stupid, naive, etc... He's living and in my book that's all that counts. You only live once, so you must live life to the fullest. Try as hard you can, not to have regrets! cue Rihanna...

"so live your life..."

cheers,

Bellini

still w/ age somethings don’t change?...

Over the weekend, I attended a birthday shindig for some women in their 30’s (let’s just say north of 35). There was a Dj spinnin’ but it didn’t matter, ‘cuz folks weren’t dancing. Now granted the space was a lil’ tight, so I reckon folks weren’t trying to do to much. Except you always have folks breakin’ out into a line dance—why must we do that all the damn time? And women why are you so cliquish – it was ridiculous. Women say hi/hello. It goes a long way! I had seen some of these women over the summer, perhaps the weather makes folks a lil’ more friendlier, these heffas were icy bitches. The shindig was a week before the Christmas holiday--you can be jolly for a minute. Now I could understand if the fellas didn’t want to fool with their asses.

So, after we popped champagne, I thought folks would get down… I was utterly wrong. Now the ratio of women to men was surprise 1:1. As far as I could see, everybody was single, yet no one was willin’ to mingle? I had invited my waxologist, who is hella fun! She was on the prowl—identifyin’ the brothas she liked to get to know better. Get him girl! As, I retrieve my phone to check for Rum Punch and company, a guy finds hisself all in my bizness. “Why you textin’ him, leave him at home.” Really! First of all men, if you’re gonna talk to a women – introduce yourself. For one, tell me your name. I was instantly turned off—that shit was so lame. Finally, when Rum Punch and company arrive, I share that the party is wack – time to venture to the next spot…

The party was moved 2 buildings over, different atmosphere, more open space, etc. The change in scenery, didn’t change a damn thing. You would have thought folks would have have been merry and jolly – the lounge was decorated in festive holiday colors-- but nope-- folks were oblivious to the subtelties of change! Women were sittin’ on the couches chattin’ with their girlfriends as if she hadn’t talked to her all week. And the fellas, they were just standin’ holdin’ a cup of whateva. Maybe I’m off on the one to one ratio, some brothas were gay or maybe even on the DL...

I’ve never been to a party where men were so disengaged and the women were content not minglin’? It was weird. Did Bellini really come out to this? It had rained all day, and I convinced myself to attend. Since the champagne gave me an instant buzz, I reckoned that I needed to eat ‘cuz the last time I ate was in the afternoon. Thank goodness the food was tasty. Then the Dj plays “Milkshake” courtesy of Kelis – I’m eating and groovin’ all the same. A sista girl had to come give me a hi-five for givin’ it up while I was eatin’. I’m assumin’ this guy had been observin’ me from afar… So he motions for me to come his way like he’s a puppeteer while I was eating. Really?!? So, when I tell him to come and have a seat, he was a bit perplexed. Come conversate with Bellini, let me see what you’re about while I eat. He wanted to dance, but lil’ did he know, Bellini made her mind up to go home. Now that you witnessed that I could do more than a 2 step, it was too late—I was ready to go home. I was willing to conversate, but that was about it. And I’d be remissed if I didn’t mention his hands were rough! The night was over for me. Dammit, I know it’s the winter, but you should take extra precautions with your skin. Lawd, a grown ass man and he didn’t have a clue. So has it come to this... with age-- men and women are just that damn boring and don't have a clue? I wish I snapped some photos to share with folks—the scene was pitiful. I betta bring in the New Year right and go to a real party, be’cuz 2009 can’t start like 2008!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE!!!

cheers,

Bellini