Feet Don't Fail Me Now

I apologize in advance for the lengthiness of my spiel.

Rum Punch had my mind churning all weekend long after reading her post last Friday. She served that thang real nice- shaken well, a lil strong, and with just enough ice. I know many women who have an opinion about dating similar to the one Rum Punch shared with us. Please believe me when I tell you that I feel their pain. But I find it equally painful to hear my sistren tell the woes of dating, searching for the ONE, and the limited options with which they have to do so. What bothers me more than the obvious crisis at hand is the way in which we choose to manage it.

To my girl Rummy and other sistas who feel the way she does, I pose to you the following:

1) What happened to dating? Just dating.

You know when that thing where you go out with somebody and have fun. Get to know each other, experience something new… enjoying life in other words. Life is short. I’m not saying don’t plan for the future, but maybe enjoy some of today while you build for tomorrow. Make new friends. Switch up that boring ass routine of yours and create opportunities for yourself instead of waiting for someone else to present them to you.

I checked out dictionary.com for a couple of definitions.

Dating: an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.

Mating: to match or marry.

Not quite the same meaning. While one can lead to the other, it doesn’t always happen in that order. Dating is like trying on twenty pairs of shoes in DSW and only coming out with two. You never would’ve seen those brown Stuart Weitzman boots on clearance if the red Calvin Klein pumps didn’t pinch your toes. When you get home and realize the boots don’t match the new dress in your closet, take them back. Get a refund or exchange them for another pair. Would you really keep a pair of shoes just because you couldn’t find a better pair? ‘Nuff said.

1) If you think your options are limited now, take into consideration that you’re looking for a husband and watch that narrow slice get split into slithers.

Don’t forget that it takes two so for every one of you ladies out there looking for a husband, not a date, there must be a man looking too for the match to occur. More than likely, that is not the case. There are many do-right brothas out there who are broom jumping material but not quite ready to jump at this moment. All the home cooking and good luvin’ in the world won’t change this until that man is ready. Period.

For the few desperate dudes who do fit into that ready right now category, don’t be scared when homie tells you about a chapel he’s had his eye on and how it must be fate that your size 7 finger fits his grandmother’s ring perfectly. You laugh, huh? Don’t act like you haven’t already picked out that Vera Wang bridal gown that matches your mama’s pearls.

2) Which husband would you prefer: the bus driver who comes home at a decent hour every day or the accountant who works 50+ hour weeks, travels 70% of the time, but makes 3x the bus driver’s salary?

I don’t know when dating/mating with the bus driver became bottom of the barrel (I kid, I kid), but I’m using this example because Rum Punch did. I work for a professional firm. The senior management staff practically lives, eats, and sleeps work. Raking in the dough. Their kids are well taken care of. Their wives are living the good life. Yet they are rarely home or spending time with their families.

Last year, a bus driver asked me out (true story, I swear). I rode his bus home every evening and we would engage in very stimulating conversation with topics ranging from the latest movies to government & politics. He’s a very nice man and we still kick it from time to time, I just wasn’t feeling him romantically. But he’s a perfect example of how you can limit your options by judging the book by its uniform. This man drives the bus part-time and teaches at a local college part-time. He is comfortable with both occupations. His reasons for driving the bus are that the transit department’s benefits are great & the pay is damn good. He started working at the college because he gave in after a dean tried continouously to recruit him for over two years. He also truly enjoys teaching. Last time I spoke with him, he was looking to enroll into a state university to earn a Master’s Degree in Education.

Not bad if you ask me. But I understand his profession is not image-worthy. It doesn’t garner the same status in society as a profession that requires you to wear a suit and necktie Monday thru Friday. It won't have your parents bragging to their buddies over a game of bid whist. Not quite enough to make your sorors jealous. And that's what truly matters, right?

3) Where did this notion come from that the majority of white people are earning big salaries?

It is true that people of color still don’t earn a dollar for every dollar earned by a white person in the same position. However, there are just as many white men who are plumbers, customer service reps, baristas, etc. as there are black men. Even if a white woman has more options, they’re not quite as lucrative as we like to assume. Remember Roseanne Connor and Peggy Bundy? Women like that really do exist. They outnumber the Carrie Bradshaws and Samantha Coopers in the world.

The Census Bureau reported the 2004 U.S. median household income was $44,334. People of color are still a minority in this country; therefore this median income is comprised mostly of the incomes of white folks. Keep that in mind the next time you [subconsciously] hate on white women and their “options”.

4) Would you accept a job offer for a position that you are overqualified for and that offered a lesser salary then what you are asked for?

Rum Punch mentioned our playing field not being level when it comes to dating. So true. As a black woman, most playing fields in my life are not even. Jobs and earning potential, shopping for credit lenders and decent interest rates, portrayal in the media, misogyny in hip-hop, oh I could go on all day! When it comes to equal opportunity, I am S.O.L. But why should I let that stop me?

I am a queen who deserves nothing less than a king. Every king's crown ain't blinged out with diamonds and platinum though. And nobody, no one, and not a damn soul can dictate who's fit to be my king but me. What I can tell you is my king will not be Mr. Right or Mr Right Enough. He will be Mr. Right for Me. Nothing less.

When I do find him (and damnit I will), I shall cherish him forever. 'Cause Rum Punch wasn't lying when she said it's hard out here for a pimp.

Tumultuously Yours,

Dark & Stormy

Wanted: Mr. Right! (But Will Consider Mr. Right Enough)

So my Caucasian co-worker came back from her honeymoon and announced, “I’s married now.” Ok. She didn’t. But she did come back from her honeymoon after marrying a corporate lawyer who whisks her off to London or the Caribbean for romantic four day weekends; and this got me thinking about dating, race and options…yes, this is how my mind works. Crazy ain’t it?

So, in my days of unemployment and underemployment which can be described as when I was working night jobs, I watched a lot of television. One of my favorite shows was Dr. Phil. Oh how I loved the drama. Anyway. Sometimes a white woman would come on Dr. Phil talking about how she couldn’t find a husband, she was looking everywhere, blah, blah, but she just couldn’t find Mr. Right. So of course Dr. Phil would ask what kind of man she wanted and she would have some crazy stipulation like “he can’t have back hair…” That’s not crazy, you say, who wants someone with back hair? Ok, no one. But here’s the thing, when you can go past the basics of what kind of man you want to be with, you know general physical appearance, character, personality, values, etc., and get that specific about what you want in a mate, well then you have options. You can dream big, scour the earth for that ‘perfect man’ and have fun whilst doing it. And you will probably find him.

Meanwhile across the railroad tracks, on the Black side of town, Black women just want a man who has a job, ain’t living with his mama and doesn’t have more than one baby mama. And sometimes we’re just hoping for one out of the three. We wish we could worry about something as trivial as back hair. Is this fair? No. But as Earth, Wind & Fire sang, That's the Way of the World. So as Black women we are often times left lacking the same dating options. And it’s starting to piss me off.

As a professional, college educated woman, I am looking for someone of that same caliber but am continually coming up empty handed. And as a means to ease my pain, Essence & Co. publish those infamous “The Man You Never Thought You Would Date”, or “Have You Considered Dating A Blue Collar Worker?” articles. What? I don’t wanna. Is that elitist? Yes, just a little but I don’t hear anyone tell White college educated women, “oh you can’t find someone on par with you, have you thought about dating the bus driver? You know they make good money too girl and they have job security.” Oh yeah that’s right, they don’t have to. Cause they have options.

Case in point, I love watching Sex and the City but do you realize how many men those women ran through? And they still complained that they couldn’t find the ‘one.’ Oh he was slightly effeminate and had a fear of mice, Charlotte kept it moving; oh he liked to watch porn whilst they were having sex, Miranda kept it moving; oh he loved her so much and asked her to marry her but Carrie just didn’t feel the same way, so she kept it moving. Why? Because they had options. It’s a television show, you say. Yes, but it was written by white folk and mirrors the dating experiences of white women who learned early on that if they don’t like the lawyer, then a doctor is right around the corner and if that doesn’t work out then mama’s going to find her a stock broker. They keep it moving because they can. And it’s just not fair. *Sigh* But it’s the way of the world.

When I was in undergrad, I took a class called African American Political Thought Since 1865, or Black Thought as my friend and I called it. One day we discussed feminism vs. womanism and how womanism came out of Black women’s rejection of feminism. Why’s that? Well professor explained that the basis of feminism was that white women wanted to be more than their husband, children and job. To which I replied, “Shoot, that’s all a Black woman wants.” Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me a Black woman ain’t happiest when she has a huzband, some kids and that good government job. Well and Jesus, but let’s stay focused…It seems that often times as Black women we want what may seem to be the bare minimum because we are lacking the options to have something better.

Often times it seems that professional Black women, shoot Black women in general are scraping and fighting for the same man. Believe me I’ve watched enough Judge Mathis, Joe Brown and Divorce Court to know that it’s all kinds of Black women fightin over a man who ain’t hardly no good. This is mainly because they don’t see any other viable options. And I’ve gone to enough Black bougie functions to see 10 women to every man, with women clawing to find the few straight men out of the bunch. Because we don’t see any other viable options. I suppose logic tells us to expand our horizons, to date outside of our economic and educational class and dare I say even our own race. But sometimes I wish it weren't so hard. I wish there were a level playing field when it comes to dating. But there isn't. And unfortunately, that's the way of the world.