My Audacity to Hope

I know it’s January but Dizzzzzzaum it’s cold! Layering is the word of the season when the high temperatures are less than freezing and hot coffee purchased from the shop is lukewarm by the time it’s sipped at your desk. I was seriously contemplating using sick leave today just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the frigid temperatures. Ahhhh, just to stay warm under the covers of my bed, safe and secure from all alarms! Because you know sometimes you just don’t want to deal with stuff...cold things in particular, like the weather, people or even the chilling business of office politics. Ah yes, no matter how much we just try to be gosh darn individuals and just do our job we all become candidates subjected to approval ratings determined by our coworkers…

In 2005 I got me a good government job. Woo hoo! The benefits! The stability! The good times that I was sure to have! Ha! I was surprised to see how many non black folks held higher level positions. So when I noticed that that the mailroom crew, the folks in our plants, facilities and the administrative support staff were mostly held by folks that looked like me, I realized that Masta and his plantation hadn’t disappeared just because folks had marched to get in the doors. And so through a series of events that I’m sure I’ll write about later on in life, I was part of the admin staff, promised that it was a position were I could blossom and grow, a position where I could keep on stepping up the rings of the ladder so that one day I could be all that I could be…

But then I started talking to some of my Sistagirls in the same position. You know how we like to talk whilst we work, just to learn what exactly we have gotten ourselves into. Wow. If ever there were a bitter and sometimes brazen cast of characters in this bunch. These women were quick to tell me of all the glass ceilings that they had hit in their careers. All the managers who had promised them opportunities to grow, just as soon as they finished typing that business letter or made copies for the conference. No one really had a hopeful story to tell except in the one or two who were able to ascend after 10 or 15 years of trying! They basically were telling me I had been a victim of a classic bait and switch.

So I started thinking about what I wanted for me, but I’ll tell you you’d be surprised, but other folks have plans for you too. One manager pulled me in her office and outlined her plan for my life that included five more years of admin support and then maybe a higher level job in her group, because she could recognize my potential. So if I have potential and you see that now, why do I have to wait? (Yes, Bracky O- I understand brother). Ya’ll know I thanked her graciously for having a plan for me and tapped danced right on out of her office. And then I decided to run! I was getting off this plantation; but before I quit I was going to first try to break through the glass.

There were so many tear filled phone calls to my mama who’s down south. Every story about the craziness on my job was met with a warm platitude of hope, or a statement that my situation could be different from the others…”You never know, baby” she said. Arrrgh! I wasn’t trying to hear that mess! I wanted her to get hyped and pissed that her one and only baby was being treated as a second class employee. I wanted her to agree that system was built to keep me down because that’s what happened to the Sistagirls...so surely that’s what was gonna happen to me if I let it! Mommas are wise ya’ll. And eventually my mother stopped saying anything, other than “Okay, Amaretto”.


Well after months of applying for new jobs, interviewing, being told “No, but don’t take it personally.” After months of wondering if I was crazy for thinking I could do more with my life then what I was currently doing. After months of acting how I must and leaving my Sistagirl attitude at home. After months of just being depressed because it seemed like I wasn’t going anywhere and everything on the outside conflicted with what I knew on the inside. After months campaigning and trying to show others that I had what it takes, even though I felt they should have already known about me. After months of getting everyone on the prayer line…I got word that I had been promoted, 7 levels higher thousands of dollars more in my salary! I’m still shocked that I have been able to breakthrough that glass ceiling and to do it in 3 years!

So today is my first day in my new position. Sad that I was going to call out sick right?! I know. It is just amazing to me ya’ll that despite the odds and what usually happens to employees like me, my story gets to have a different ending. My momma was right. That despite what people say or think there is always the possibility. That small chance. That hope in spite of…







Even in my own life I’ve seen the power of a maybe.




See You in Seven

so is it A or B, do you know the answer?

I have a problem. If I wanted to be dramatic, I could call it a disease.

Recently, I can't make up my mind for shit! I'm encapable of picking a lane, deciding on a course, choosing which way to go.

Ok. so doesn't sound so bad does it? but in practice it is the worst.

The past few months I been struggling trying to figure out how I got here... indecisionville, usa. Cause I've been making decisions all my life (and well might I add).

Deciding that I wanted to go to a magnet high school way outside of my neighborhood with a whole new set of (ghetto) kids because i just knew i wanted to be a lawyer. Disappointing my parents and defying my stepdad's challenge ("if you go to that school I wash my hands of you"...i know, tre dramatic) and going to the school I felt was home (one of the best decisions of my life). Even my grad school choice was a cliff hanger for a minute there.... would it be the state school or the ultra expensive but very glamourous top 5 in the city. And I stepped off that particular cliff with confidence (again great move girl!).

Each time i made a turn, I knew that it was the right choice. I had a feeling in my gut that this was the right school, the right profession. I was walking in my destiny even if I was slightly off the target telling myself "jesus would make it allright please make it allright I don't know what this is all about but I'm goin up this ..... " errr

ok you get it. And it was alright. until now...

since I've actually entered the profession a lil over a year ago, all the clear choices have evaporated. i've lost the ability to trust my gut. everything is open and available to me. And nothing feels quite right. So I flounder....I flip and then I wonder if it's a flop.

eeeekkkk....

i constantly second guess myself and each time i'm ready to make a turn, crafted a new plan, a new shiny choice pops it's head up and says hey have you considered me? and i'ma gone on and tell ya'll....i love shiny new choices! i love entering a new experience soaking it up and then jumping onto the next thing. it's like i want to have the new car smell in my life forever.

why you ask? that's the heart of the matter, isn't it? i think it's because i have a fear of commitment, of permenancy, complacency, the norm.

anybody know of a job where i can travel every 6 months, work with kids and splash in some law...holla!

i'm also taking suggestions on life in the comments as well

sometimes...

so....this week i've been feelin' kinda blah, annoyed with everyone, myself included. and when i get in a funk, music is my solace. and one of the neo-soul anthems that is oh so appropriate is bilal's "sometimes."

ever been to one of his concerts and you know what i'm talkin bout. everybody, including the folks tryin to act cute in the back, sings along to this joint.

this week i felt like remixin' it, to reflect how i'm feelin....check the video below and sing along to my new lyrics posted below...
enjoy!

*in a barely comprehensible whisper*
from inside the head of a girl who can be called a dreamer
these are her wishes and dreams [REPEAT in the background]

This is a song that makes me spill out all my brains sometimes

Sometimes

I wish I was a better me sometimes
I wish I was annoying-people free sometimes
I wish I saw the bullshit first sometimes
I wish I knew which way to go without searchin’ sometimes
I wish I could go where I never been
See what I never saw, do what I never did
Or walk before I could crawl, every day of my life

I wish I went with my heart not my head sometimes
I wish I had a man in my bed sometimes
I mean I’m worth it
Since I did all that work at the gym yesterday
But then he ain't good to me
As I am good to him
And he don't pay my attention the way that I do sometimes

But ya’ll, I should be nicer than I am sometimes
I take this changin’ my mind shit waaaay too far
I mean, it was kinda adventurous in the beginning but now
I think I only do it cuz I can’t commit sometimes
It’s got people thinkin’ I don't have a clue sometimes
But I guess it wouldn't be so bad
If I knew what was goin’ on in my own head
Then it wouldn't hurt me so bad
When I picture my life with no meaning sometimes

I wish I knew life with loads of money, yeah
Wish I held the keys to that house sometimes
I pretend cuz I'm afraid to be, afraid to choose sometimes
I hope I get married by twenty-nine sometimes
I wish I could be like Eva in Paris
Round up my bridesmaids, move down the aisle
And live a better life sometimes
I wish I didn't try so hard sometimes
Who knows how he’s comin’ any way
They don't know nothing, who needs their approval

The world is in your hands sista
Move at your own pace, listen to your own mind
Do your own thing, yeah yeah
I gotta tell my self this every day
And I gotta grow more, yeah yeah
But I wanna run back in the other direction
Nope, I got to stay on this path until I win
I win, I win, I win
I wanna win, I wanna win, I wanna win, I wanna win

Aaahh sometimes, sing it with me I wish
(I wish true love) And I wish, oh I wish
(I wish self-peace) Oh sometimes
(I wish hope) I wish hope
(I wish true love) I wish true
(I dream clearly) Hey I dream so clearly sometimes
(Wish with no fear) I wish with no fear
(I have no fear) I have no fear
(Have no doubt) I have no doubt
(I don't doubt) I don't doubt
(Have no doubt) No, I don't doubt
(Have no doubt, I wish true love)

I wish true love, hey hey

I's Tired Boss

I know that it’s something that we all have to do, especially for the little things like food, clothing and shelter. But I woke up sad this morning ya’ll. Work sucks! I know we all have our burdens to bare, so I’m not ‘specting someone to come along and console me by making me a pot of tea, handing me a box of tissues, while writing a check payable to Amaretto Jenkins-for living expenses, travel, and whatever else-for the rest of her life (Oprah, this doesn’t apply to you girlfriend-feel free!) For five days a week I feel like I’m the monkey at the bottom of a pole. The top monkeys are looking down, seeing a bunch of smiling faces (including mine) but when I look up…well I’m seeing a whole lot of ass holes! I just don’t understand how somewhere between the carefree days of childhood and now, I got strapped down with adulthood. Words like responsibility, duty and commitment are part of my vernacular and work ethic. I know-work ethic-it’s scary right? But I’ve got a lot of unused sick days to show that I have one. At times, I feel like a stupid hamster running on a wheel to nowhere…but I keeps running because of the small little treat I get at the end of 80 hours-minus go ole Uncle Sammy’s cut of course. Work, like any relationship, gets frightening when the thrill is gone, and for me it’s gone so far away.

I don’t want you guys to get it twisted, I’m not anti work. I know some highly esteemed folks out there think people of color are difficult to work with, because we’re lazy and all. But since I know my history and can look back at my ancestors who labored daily-I know the truth. So please believe I don’t desire to sit back monthly and collect a check of unearned wages….

But sometimes, as I’m waking up for the day, pretty much knowing what to expect at the office, I want to party like a rock star. Or a rap star. Or basically like a person who hasn’t deserved one ounce of the media attention that she’s be given. That’s right, just take a day in the life of Ms. Paris Hilton!
Now she has on black face, but I’d be the real thing! Paris Noire Hilton. "That's hot" right?

Of course I don’t want her sex tape, IQ, 23 day jail stint or child-like body. But to be an heiress? Well, I can’t deny that would be nice. Aside from traveling the world and being G-L-A-M-O-R-ous it would also give me options to do things like quit my job. Because seriously I would do it now, throw up my deuces and cha-cha slide right on outta of here-if it weren’t for pesky things like the bills I had to pay, or my fondness for eating and wiping my butt with toilet paper instead of the phone book.

On top of it all, I work with a lot Babyboomers. These people are cool, care about what is going on in my world, but seriously, they would be better associates for my parents. These folks have 30 to 40 years in with this organization and are a few years away from retirement. They care and share about all the things they are going to do when they're gone (that’s why they are assholes ya’ll-rubbing it in my face) and express how they can’t believe they’ve been here for as long as they have; as they scratch their lotto tickets and laugh about the good ole days and the days to come. Most have recognized my talent, genius, and all around good person-ness and have told me they expect me to go far in the company…but I am more convinced that I don’t want to be like them and be here for that long. I have so much inside of me that I don’t believe my current organization will allow me to give...EVER!

From 8am to 5pm it’s like I’m locked up and I’m serving this sentence until I’m 67. Honestly at the rate things are going I might not be able to retire at that age and get everything they said I’m due. After nearly three years I don’t see how what I’m doing daily is showing people that they can be more than what haters expect of them. I’m not proving to folks that even in their bleakest moment and against all odds that there is still hope and something they can believe in. When will I get a chance to help those hopeless children realize that they can do anything they dream? You know, doing these things for which I think I am purposed...

I don't know, to defer my dreams for 4 more decades, to be here, complacent, smiling when I’m really screaming…well that’s scarier than any costume I’m going to see tomorrow night.

See You in Seven