running cross my mind

it's that time of night.  when the sun has gone home to rest. the moon has come out to play.  you've been working all day.  perhaps out for a night with the girls.  but now you're inside.  home.  alone.  stripped down to your t-shirt and your panties.  crawled into bed.  pulled the covers way up over your head.  and waited for sleep to come. over take your body.  quiet your  thoughts.

of him.

you place the phone on the nightstand.  slide it as far away from your itching fingers as it will possibly go.  you could just turn it off.  or put it in the front room.  but what if someone tries to reach you?  what if someone dies in the middle of the night?  or has the irrepressible urge to hear your voice at 3 am?

like you long to hear his.

that's when the feeling comes on the strongest.

to grab it back.  scroll through the phone book.  select his name and start typing.

hey. how u? what ya doin?
i miss you.
u up?

and then you stare at the screen.  the words.  going over in your mind all the reasons why this is such a bad idea.  or all the ways that this might be just the thing to open up the lines of communication.

but "you know if you pick up that phone, write that letter, send that two way, you gon say some things" that you might regret.  and he might say somethings.  do somethings. plan somethings that you don't really really want to happen.  aren't trying to do.  but something is better than nothing right?  you just want to hear from him. talk to him.  see him. 

or he might not respond at all.  and then you're worse off than you were before you caved to your weaker inner woman.

cause you had said you wasn't gonna text/call/blackberry messenger/gchat/facebook his ass no mo.  and you meant that.  you promised yourself, your 3 best girfriends and baby Jesus himself that you were done.  that it wasn't worth it.  that it wasn't goin nowhere.  that it had been over for weeks, months, years. that you wasn't really feelin him like that to begin with.  so why pass the time or fill the space with something less than? 

and you can't go back on your word.

even if it's that time of the night.  and you're lonely.  and you want to so so badly.  and you could blame it on the alcohol and the hour.

but you can't
you won't
you don't

cause that would be too desparate.  a lil thirsty.  bold and brazen.  un-lady like.  out of order.  and against everything you promised yourself you wouldn't do.

so you reach out, place the phone back on the nightstand. breathe deeply.  close your eyes.  and let common sense quiet that voice inside your head.  let sleep overrule that part of you that wants to give in.

stay strong.  until tomorrow night.

desperately seeking husband

one of my first posts on this here blog was about women and marriage. and the agnst that women feel when they get close to 30 and aren't married.  and the idealist view they have that marriage will solve all their problems.

Marriage....ahhhh

Marriage....when life begins (don’t steal my slogan people). When all her dreams come true. Here’s how some women think even though you will never ever (eva… eva… eva…eva) get a strong black woman to admit this: If I can just get married I’ll be ok. I’ll be complete. I’ll be able to buy my dream house (two wage earner household baby!) I can stop working and stay at home or at least change to the job that I really want. He’ll give me my beautiful brown babies, “boy for you and a girl for me.” My life will get better, I’ll be happier. The flowers will smell fresher, my butt will grow bigger and we’ll finally catch osama bin laden.

Uhhhhhh…..no. not gon happen (c) new new. Cause what if you never get claimed? Or worse still, what if you do get claimed errr...... married, and it doesn’t make you happier or sexier and your life isn’t richer or fuller? What then?

i wrote that shiz almost 2 years ago and it still rings true. probably now a little truer. harder. louder. stronger. seems like every other day i'm having a conversation with someone about wanting to be married and desiring to have a husband.  praying for God to send a man.  longing for what some other woman has...a man that wants to caved to the ultimatum has agreed to marry her.

but to all my single ladies out there be careful what you wish for.  you just might get it and a whole host of other problems. 

take suzy, a woman at my job.  she moved down to my city after her boyfriend, bobby, had been living here for a year.  she made him promise that if she moved down, there would be babies and marriage on the horizon since the two had been dating for about 2 years prior to the move.  after bout a year in new city, neither one of these things had materialized.

after some pestering she got an engagement ring. on the slick tho.  nobody really knew they were engaged.  there was no announcement or party.  and the ring was this pitiful looking gemstone.  not that i'm a diamond whore or anything but don't just throw any old ring at a sista like "you betta be happy you got this here."

so then the "engagement" lagged on for another six months.  then one day suzy started rubbing her belly like she had a bun in the oven.  and over the next few weeks the #1 topic of office gossip was whether suzy was preggers and if bobby was now gonna make her an honest woman.  then all of a sudden a wedding date was announced and suzy started looking happier.

meanwhile bobby is telling anyone that will listen that this baby was not expected and will probably be referred to as "hey you." last saturday night, bobby was throwing back booze at a work party while suzy sat at home alone.  and bobby was talkin much shit about suzy.  clearly bobby doesn't want to be married but suzy wants it with all her heart.  and she's gonna get it.  but what kind of marriage will it be?  and is being married for the sake of being able to say you not single really worth the lonely saturday nights, the disrespect and the heartache?

i think that single women ought to stop focusing on the ring, the dress, the flowers, the chapel, the status, the "married" box on applications, age, mamanem, being the last one, a house full of cats, dying alone, and all those other foolish images that spring into their heads when they get all worked up about not being married.

think about what marriage means.  what committment means.  what love means.  and whether you've got a clear picture of what you're wishing so hard for.

think about the hard work marriage involves.  the compromises that will have to be made.  the selfless acts that you will have to undertake. and get your head wrapped around whether you're ready for alladat.

and in the meantime, in between time, DO YOU!  not in that cliche sorta way. but for real for real.  make a concious effort to live your best life NOW! go on that trip NOW! buy that house NOW! make that career move NOW! take that leap NOW!

don't wait for a husband.

that's just my interpretation of the sitchyashun.  what say ya'll?