The Mistress and I

So I have a friend who is a mistress and I still like her as a person. This is worth stating because as Courvoisier’s mom pointed out yesterday women folk are programmed to hate the other woman. But I guess we hate the other woman when it's our own situations. I don’t know why women give men folks a pass in these three way triangles. Maybe because we expect boys to be boys and men to have roaming eyes and feet. Which is sad, because I feel like men deserve to have us give them greater expectations. I think we here at the 5 spot have written many a post about men and their “sly” ways…and I think we’ve touched on the importance of sisters strengthen sisters even when they are in the most f***ed up predictament.

For example, this morning my mistress friend tells me that her "man" called his wife the other day (for what I don't know) and before he could get his salutation out she hung up on him. Now since we live in a world of caller id-this answering and hanging up was definitely a passive aggressive way to let her husband know that she was mad. Now amid plans to purchase a house with my friend he is suddenly thinking he shouldn’t since he’s not sure what head space the wifey is in these days. Will she slash his tires? Put out a hit? Put something special is his spaghetti? He's decided to cow-tow until his wife makes her move.

But so you can share in my joy let me set the table for you…

The man is almost twenty years older than my friend. Has two grown children. Hasn’t lived with is wife for two years-and this is the third time he has separated from his wife in their 28 year marriage-but has not filed for a legal separation.

My friend has a six year old daughter and has just gotten a legally binding divorce last month.

The two met at work about 4 years ago, and so began their affair. When they started out they were both married, yet 4 years later she has left her husband, gotten a divorce and he hasn’t so much as gotten a legal separation! This man and my friend seem to think that wifey spotted my girl in her husband’s car and this is why she’s upset, but they really aren't sure of the wife's ire because she refuses to answer the phone when her husband calls.

This is where I pour you a cool glass of lemonade and tell you that my friend is a natural blonde, and in this situation is totally living up to the stereotype. I had many questions upon hearing this latest story. Like, if he and his wife are separated and on the road to divorce why would she be mad at him if she saw him with another woman? Or why all of a sudden do his plans to buy a house with you have to come to a screeching halt because wifey saw you riding with her husband? Amaretto is of the opinion that this man left his wife under the guise of relocating for work and that there are no plans for divorcing. After 4 years together my friend has only met his friends from work-no family. And I've learned that after they find a house that meets their needs he always finds an excuse not to bid on it-be it a fear of mold or of the Mexicans living next door. It just doesn’t make sense from where I sit. If I were a magic 8 ball I would tell her that the outlook of her relationship is not positive.

The facts are that this man will have to give up half of his retirement if he divorces his wife. HALF! Half is a whole lotta money especially when you ain't got much. Yet my friend believes that when this man retires in two years he’s going to make an honest woman out of her. But for why? According to her they are having good times and great sex! What’s his incentive to give up HALF of his check each month to his wife and take on a life that includes raising a 6 year old?

With each insight into her relationship I just want her to shut up, stop and wake up. If she ever asked for my opinion I wonder if I could tell her that I honesty don't think he plans to marry her? Sometime I wonder if I should just tell her that even though she's never asked what I thought. But how do you go about telling someone you think the person they love is worthless? Especially after she talks about the house they just found. Or she says how excited she is about their sailing trip over the weekend? What should I say to this mistress who has given up everything and has become a friend who I know isn’t strong enough to handle the truth? For now I'll just remain silent and hopeful that I am wrong.


See You In Seven

running cross my mind

it's that time of night.  when the sun has gone home to rest. the moon has come out to play.  you've been working all day.  perhaps out for a night with the girls.  but now you're inside.  home.  alone.  stripped down to your t-shirt and your panties.  crawled into bed.  pulled the covers way up over your head.  and waited for sleep to come. over take your body.  quiet your  thoughts.

of him.

you place the phone on the nightstand.  slide it as far away from your itching fingers as it will possibly go.  you could just turn it off.  or put it in the front room.  but what if someone tries to reach you?  what if someone dies in the middle of the night?  or has the irrepressible urge to hear your voice at 3 am?

like you long to hear his.

that's when the feeling comes on the strongest.

to grab it back.  scroll through the phone book.  select his name and start typing.

hey. how u? what ya doin?
i miss you.
u up?

and then you stare at the screen.  the words.  going over in your mind all the reasons why this is such a bad idea.  or all the ways that this might be just the thing to open up the lines of communication.

but "you know if you pick up that phone, write that letter, send that two way, you gon say some things" that you might regret.  and he might say somethings.  do somethings. plan somethings that you don't really really want to happen.  aren't trying to do.  but something is better than nothing right?  you just want to hear from him. talk to him.  see him. 

or he might not respond at all.  and then you're worse off than you were before you caved to your weaker inner woman.

cause you had said you wasn't gonna text/call/blackberry messenger/gchat/facebook his ass no mo.  and you meant that.  you promised yourself, your 3 best girfriends and baby Jesus himself that you were done.  that it wasn't worth it.  that it wasn't goin nowhere.  that it had been over for weeks, months, years. that you wasn't really feelin him like that to begin with.  so why pass the time or fill the space with something less than? 

and you can't go back on your word.

even if it's that time of the night.  and you're lonely.  and you want to so so badly.  and you could blame it on the alcohol and the hour.

but you can't
you won't
you don't

cause that would be too desparate.  a lil thirsty.  bold and brazen.  un-lady like.  out of order.  and against everything you promised yourself you wouldn't do.

so you reach out, place the phone back on the nightstand. breathe deeply.  close your eyes.  and let common sense quiet that voice inside your head.  let sleep overrule that part of you that wants to give in.

stay strong.  until tomorrow night.

in a box

it's always amusing to hear a man's perspective on life, paticularly marriage. And a few weeks ago, I got an earful per an all male play. What was so intriguing was this guy's recount about "finding the one". And in his mind, he and his former squeeze were experiencing the closest thing to marriage in his mind. They were in sync, in love, etc... And yet after his girlfriend demanded a laundry list of actions to occur prior to their BIG DAY, he just felt like he was stuck in a box. And I reckon, many men share his sentiments.

Basically, he stated a litany of offenses that were a death sentence for a married man and likened that too having to fit in a box. And visually, he draws with his fingers the outline of a box. And the brother (@ least 6 feet tall) demonstrates the difficulty he'll have fitting comfortably into box. the visual was hilarious. And women, I swear had you seen this play -- you would have to concede the fact to the fellas and acknowledge the veracity of the statement 'cuz he was right. And it made me wonder, who is this brotha with all this wisdom, and more importantly why are women presenting marriage like a death sentence to a man. There's nothing fun about that portrayal. I am firm believer men need stimulation on multiple levels. I believe men are bored creatures and to ensure that your man "toes the line" he has got to be engaged, enlightened, and enthralled with you all at the same time. Yes ladies, depending on how you look at it, it can be a tall order or a piece of cake. perspective is a mutha And once you add the fact that most brothas don't have a semblance of a functional marriage, a father, a husband, and the outlook can get a lil' bleak; however most men I've encountered desire a marriage that will last -- want to be in it for the long haul irrespective of upbringing.

Well, we know one thing for sure change is constant. So, thinking outside of the box, just must might be the edge you need to be two steps of ahead of the rest.

cheers,

Bellini

some things i thought i'd never do

for the last few days, black women have been buzzing about jill scott's latest revelation: she's a single mom. jill and drummer boy have called it quits.

some folks wonder was it all just a show? was the good love, the engagement, and the matching tatts just a smokescreen for the baby. let the comments on essence.com tell it, some women are mad as hell. how could she do it? didn't she say, "I can even raise the child we'll make, make sure he's loved and knows what God gave us, I can teach him how to walk and stand but he needs you to help him be a man, we need you."

or did she?

wasn't that just in a song she wrote? for our entertainment and encouragement. was it the real real truth? did jill scott deep down in her soul tell herself that she'd never be somebody's baby's mama? or did folks just see jill, all natural and glowing, luxuriously voluptuous, empowered and independent, all mother earthish and assume that "she knew better." that a woman who could write lyrics that seemed to express exactly how a woman was feeling would never get caught out there thinking she loved somebody, wanted to be with him for the rest of her life and then end up raising his child alone.

just look to e. badu for guidance. 3 babies from 3 baby's daddies. "i dont take nothin that [chic] say to heart, not like im better, just that we all full of contradictions." (c) rum punch.

contradictions indeed...

as women age and divorce and have desires for babies, we _________ [fill in some word that doesn't have compromise's negative connotations].

we mellow
we grow
we change what we want and desire.
hell, we compromise.
cause we probably started off from some unrealistic black knight in shining armor place.
we make mistakes.
we realize that love is complex as hell and that relationships take work
and we decide whether we will or will not be bothered
or if we'd just rather have the baby, please and thanks...

how far away from your "I'd never do...'s" have you gotten? for the good or for the bad?

back in the day....

last night i was feeling sorta nostalgic so i went back and read some things that i had written almost ten years ago. way back in 2000, i befriended (and later dated) this guy who lived an entire state away. at the beginning of our friendship we stayed in touch via email, corresponding back and forth almost everyday for about a year or so. we talked about everything and nothing and seemed to never run out of topics to discuss. as i was reading through the emails i had a few ahhhh yessss moments:

1. writing is such a great way to communicate with someone you like/love...i should write more.
2. a lot of the things i thought about, believed in, and held dear at 19/20, still remain at 28 and lastly, me and old dude were really sweet on each other because we got to know each other first.

now the point of this post isn't to say that i'm going go seek out my old boyfriend and rekindle the flame. we're not together anymore for a reason and he's married now. actually i really don't know what the point of this post is. do you?

i guess sometimes it's good to gain some perspective. sometimes you can get so caught up in the latest relationship drama you're going through or the difficult times you're having in your professional climb that you forget where you came from, what you've been through and who you are.

reading how i was feeling over 7 years ago reminds me of why i like me. why he loved me. sometimes you just need that. bop-bop, bop-bop, bop-ba-domp. well, well, well...

one mo'gin

photo courtesy of Karen Cunningham for the nytimes

i'm a big fan of the "come back around love". i don't know if that's what other people call it but in my head that's the perfect name for it. you know when two people meet, they click and everything just seems so right. but for whatever reason (timing, other loves, career commitments, fear) they can't make it work. and they part, looking longingly back down the road at one another.

but later down that road, maybe many years , marriages and kids later, they pass each other on the street, some things have changed, some's good, some for the bad, but seeing you reminds me of the precious times we had. she's unhappy and she miss the shit they used to do. he miss her smile, her mouth, her laughter, he never bumped into her kind before or after... that's the "come back around love." i think it's so romantic and i seem to find examples of it all the time.

enter michelle and david, this week's featured couple on the nytimes vows page:

these two met at 23 while taking a class together. she "just knew I was going to marry him.” he thought “[t]he passion was going at warp speed...[t]here was nothing more I could have wanted.” despite all the butterflies they didn't stay together.

Even so, he felt he was too young to settle down and suggested that they see other people.

A pained look appeared on her face. He said, “I remember walking away thinking: ‘You’re an idiot. This isn’t what you really want.’ But at that age you just keep walking.”

over the next few years after their initial meeting, they fell into an on-again, off-again pattern that ended in 1992 when she announced her engagement to someone else.

*cue jill scott*


"you know what this is, you knew what it was..."

or did he? sadness...

there in lies the risk of the "come back around love." as with michelle and david, either party can (and will) move on to someone else. she went on to flourish professionally as a marketing director and flounder personally through two failed marriages. he did the same, marrying once and having two sons. luckily for them, these relationships didn't work out and they found their way back to each other.

but reading their story made me think about all the drama that may be attached to the "come back around love." how much "back around" is too much? michelle ran through two marriages before they reconnected. it seems like they both had hard lives while they were away from each other. think about all the money spent on weddings, alimony, and such. what about all these young kids, the drama of blended families, the stress of being a stepparent. would they have been better off just trying to make it work when they first met? would they still be together if they hadn't taken the time to grow in between away from each other?

these are the questions, the questions, that's what it's all about...

in my heart i still like the idea of the "come back around love" although it clearly presents a world of problems. i'm a right now kinda girl so i don't think i'd have the patience to wait for a man to decide whether he wants to be with me. but it's still sweet. i'll still go awwww when a friend tells me about how she ran into him at homecoming last year and they fell right back into each other, like they did when they first met at market friday in '01. it makes for a good story, just like michelle and david. but at what cost?

what say you?

think on it as d'angelo sings...

the buddy and the booty

brown sugar is one of my all-time fav movies. once you get pass the corny and oft-repeated metaphor that hip-hop = syd & dre's love for each other, it's a great romantic comedy for the ybf crowd. i love watching the tension between syd and dre as they each try to find love with someone else when they know that they are meant for each other. i never understood how a man and a woman who are such good friends decide that for the sake of their friendship they can't be together romantically. i personally feel that the best love relationships are built on great friendships because when things start to sag and your physical desires for each other wane, you need the friendship and mutual respect to keep you goin.

i happened upon a psuedo syd and dreover at the cosbykids blog the other day. two of the bloggers on the site also happen to be platonic male and female friends. they recently made their cases about how men and women can be platonic friends, why they are "just friends" and how they could never be together.

he said:

For those who do not know, Denise is my best friend in real life. We have been best friends since around 2005…Denise is my source of mental encouragement, support, and rejuvenation…Denise can always tell me how a woman feels, and I can use this when dating. Also, when I am sick, Denise always babies me to make me feel better. Denise can tell me what I look nice in and what I don’t, help me pick out cologne, and when my homeboy does not want to hear it, be the shoulder that I can whine and complain too …I expect a lifelong friendship with Denise, and I am not willing to jeopardize that. I am totally different as a boyfriend than I am as a friend…

she said

After this conversation, we were inseperable. It’s almost an indescribable relationship/friendship. To try to explain our friendship would not do it justice. Like Bud stated, we finish each other’s sentences, Bud’s shoulder is my hankie. There is very little that we don’t know about each other. In addition, on average Bud and I converse at least four times a day…With all of this being said, and now that you have a complete picture of our friendship, I can now address Bud’s frivolous article from yesterday. Sorry to play devils advocate – but Bud, cut the crap! For Bud to say that he has never thought about us as more than friends would be an omission of truth. Men naturally suppress their feelings….As Bud will be the Best Man at my wedding, and I, the flower girl at his. ... I can only hope that the person God places in my life, my better half, is as equally great as Bud.…I can only hope that the person God places in my life, my better half, is as equally great as Bud.

these are just snippets from their general arguments. and who am i to argue with folks expressing they feelings. but as i have said time and again, it's nearly impossible for men and women to be platonic friends. one of the two is gonna have more feelings than the other. one is gonna wish and hope that one day they could be more than friends and they are just biding their time until it happens or they are horribly and unbelievably devastated by the other when they marry someone else, like Reese or fine ass Kelby Dawson.

it may take a while but if you're such good a friends as alladat (c) rum punch, if you're each other's go to person in a crisis (spouse or significant other be damned) then y'all should at least take a stab at makin it work. syd and dre did. i love it when he's standing in the booth lookin at her longingly and he says "i don't wanna be friends no more" drops the phone and comes over for the embrace....

me thinks that these male/female best friends things usually up the same way. what say you?

What do you say, Courvoisier? (Part 3)

"I didn't have sex until I was married."

"Really, how long did you date before you got married?"

"For about 3 years."

"Hmm, that is a commitment I take it your husband was down, that is what's up!"

"Well it is not like we didn't fool around..."

"Oh?"

"I mean we did do oral and we would do it using the back entrance"

"Excuse me. Umm... what is your definition of no sex? 'Cause if you ask me the word sex could follow the description of all of those activities you described."

"Well, if he doesn't vaginally penetrate then I can't get pregnant... and I don't consider any of those acts sexual."

Now those of you who know me, my crazy chic loves to take advantage of these moments to push even further.

"So tell me this... if your husband decided to engage in the same activities that you and him had prior to marriage with someone else, he would NOT be having sex? Just a thought."

Never in a million years, did I think I would hear these words from a woman three years my senior. I am just speechless and therefore, I conclude my post... maybe you could add some words to this for me?

Much luv until next week... peace :)

Mamas Don't Let Your Daughters Grow Up to be Fools

What’s up party people? Let’s have some fun today, shall we? We shall! So, below I have text messages exchanged between a married man and a married woman – with some Rum Punch commentary sprinkled in. And here we gooo…

Woman: Do you love me? Is she really serious with this? Yes, she is. Let's remember that they're both married. M'mkay? M''mkay!
Man: Yes. You want me to count the ways? Oh, I love you 5 ways. Just counted. Hmmm… That’s it?

Woman: LOLOL! THAT’S ALL?! My question, exactly. LOL. What are they, maybe they cover the whole thing. Because I have at least 10 ways. Ok, she’s pressed…

Man: THANX FOR BEING MY GIRL! I WISH I COULD ARTICULATE WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME. GOODNIGHT SOULMATE! Oh ok. So y’all are soul mates now? What about your respective spouses?
Woman: ALLLL. I know you know it, but I’ll always be your girl, whatever it means to you! Yes, what does that mean, seeing as how y’all are both, must I really repeat it again, married!

Man: What did you think I mean when I say G doesn’t fit anymore?
Woman: I thought you meant that we are wayyy past the girlfriend stage and that I mean way more to you than a girlfriend. Was I wrong? How can you be way past a girlfriend stage? I’m not understanding! Are there levels or stages to an affair - just fcuking, mistress, girlfriend, I promise you will one day be wifey?
Man: NOPE! 2 MUCH FOR 2WAY THOUGH. Hmmm... You think?
Woman: NO QUESTION. I thought about writing you a letter last night, but it would have been way too long and I figured a bit much. Write a letter? How old are you? 16 years old? What could you possibly say in a letter? How much you love him? How much you wanna be with him someday? You've said it. Many times. I think he gets it. Does he care though?

Woman: Do I make you uncomfortable when I talk about you in the future sense? I mean about thinking about if we will ever really be together? Yes, I would think that this kind of talk would make any man who is clearly not trying to leave his wife, very uncomfortable.
Man: NOT AT ALL! I just don’t want you to be “miserable” at home because of future expectations. I just don’t want you to make a Bad Decision, whatever it is, because of me. Well, she's already having an affair. So what other bad decisions could she make? Oh many more, we will soon find out...
Woman: Ok, just wanted to ask. I'm real sure of the look in your eyes when you hear me talk about that. I’m trying to figure out if you’re looking at me like I’m right or you haven’t quite figured it out yet. Can I ask one more question, what does it do? Do you think about that seriously ever?
Man: Yes. I think about it seriously a lot. Talk Wednesday! (high voice) Talk Wednesday?!? Yeah right. I'm sooo sure, y'all are going to have a real conversation on Wednesday and you're not gonna just "string" her along some more...

Man: 2012 IS REAL FAR AWAY! You Are SOOOO WORTH THE WAIT! Ok, so the year of these messages is 2003. Are you trying to say that you are really going to leave your wife in 9 years for her? So, she's supposed to what – just hang around and wait?
Woman: LOLOL. Thanks! So are you! I just have to figure out what to do with myself in the meantime to not go crazy thinking about you! LOL. Oh this is what she's s going to do in the meantime! I see now!
Man: DITTO! Yes, I'm sure you're just going INSANE thinking about her!

Woman: Will you marry me? Is this chick crazy? Isn’t she already married? And why is she asking him? I mean I'm just saying - I know this is all kinds of wrong - but shouldn't the man be the one to make the first move to leave the spouse? I'm just saying, that seems like proper 'adultery' etiquette.

Man: YES. When? Ok. Stop your lies. You ain’t marrying her!
Woman: I don’t know when, all I know is that I want to be your wife! I want you to be my husband. So whenever our lives permit, just say you’ll marry me. Um ok. Delusion is a mothfcuka.
Man: YES. YES. YES. I REALLY KNEW I WOULD Be WITH You SINCE 12TH GRADE.JUST A MATTER OF TIME. And yet, 15+ years later, after high school, college and graduate school, y'all married other people and had kids. So... When are y'all getting married? In the nursing home perhaps?
Woman: I will wait on it! Love you. Ok this is making my head hurt. Really hurt.

Woman: I just feel something from you. Do you need me to and want me to really commit to being your “friend?” Do you feel troubled at the thought of our physical relationship resuming? Are you keeping yourself from being emotionally involved? Tee hee. Tee hee. Oh Lordy...
Man: I DO BELIEVE WE MUST STOP THE PHYSICAL. BUT WE MUST KEEP, SOMEHOW, OUR CONNECTION. I MEAN THIS, I NEED THIS! I Don’t KNOW HOW. You KNOW ME VERY WELL. I can’t be YOUR FRIEND! IT’S IMPOSSIBLE. I can’t be YOUR HUSBAND. WHAT CAN I BE? That's what I've been asking this whole time! Clearly not a damn thing!

Woman: Your life force makes me whole and I know that without it, I am incomplete! Now, the problem is how much of each other that takes away from our SO’s. I don’t know what to do about that and stay whole! Say whaat?
Man: Well Ditto! It’s so damn hard and so damn good. It’s the absolute best and sometimes the worst. What is always constant is the fact that ILYSM! (I love you Soul mate) Again with this soul mate business, eh?
Woman: So what do we DO? I struggle with what’s fair to you and yours and me and mines everyday. I thought I knew what I should be doing until I caught a glimpse of you not being FULLY in my life and I panicked! I don’t know to let you be anything less than everything!
Man: Don’t know! You GOT to be who you are in my life. What the hell? Clearly, you are her life. So, what do you want from her? What do you want? Oh I know what you want...
Woman: Can I ask you a question? What do you get from your wife that you don’t get from me? Oh shyt. Here it comes.
Man: The tremendous bond of parenthood. My kids’ mama. The birth experiences and the dreams for our children.
Woman: Is that it? Isn't that enough? Oh you want more? Ok here it go...
Man: That’s it. I was thinking real hard. It’s ALL the Family thing. Structure and comfort And there it is ladies. That is the reason his ass ain’t going nowhere. And yet…

Woman: I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!
Man: Miss you too! You are truly my Lady! Forever! Can’t get you out and don’t want you out of my system. You COMPLETE ME! Oh my goodness! I can't take it anymore! It's like a vicious cycle of craziness! I love you! I can't be with you! We must end this! But we're soul mates! But we can't be together! So what shall we do? Oh the fun! The drama! The danger of it all! Saracasm included...

So, in case you couldn't tell, these are the two way exchanges between the one and only, former mayor of Detorit, Kwame Kilpatrick and his "soul mate" Christine Beatty. Recently, over 6,000 messages have been released to the public and I spent the last couple days of my life reading several. Yes, it got to the point that I came upstairs, asking my dad, "Who taught me how to read?" I mean really, who taught me how to read? Because this was too much!

When the messages were first released, we (the public) got a lot of the nasty messages - the I want to give you head, blah, blah, blah. But after reading these other ones I realized it was so much more than just the physical. It was a combination of two people who had a history together (they dated in high school), holding on to that puppy love feeling, getting off on the sneaking around, him talking what I think is a bunch of shyt, and her being simple for believing everything he said.

Yes, in my mind she was simple. Not saying that he was any better. But I am saying, at some point, she should have stepped back and seen the reality of the situation. And I want to slap her a million times over. And then him. And I want to look her in the eye and be like, "um how crazy are you? Why were you even wasting your time? Couldn't you see?"

But I guess all she saw was love. I mean he kept saying it. Was "showing" it - taking her on trips, buying her gifts, telling her that someday the mayoral mansion might be hers (as if). Seemed conflicted by it. And they had all that history. And as someone who wrote this, I know that first love is hard to shake. But damn, sometimes you just gotta let some shyt go. Both of y'all. Live off the memories, please don't try to recreate. Because y'all is grown now - like real grown, with your own lives, families, responsibilities (mayor of Detroit anyone), mortgages and shyt. But maybe that was too normal. Too regular. Too boring. Too everyday. And so how about "rekindling" our love and affection? Doesn't that sound like a great plan?

To me, this situation is a perfect blend of Bellini and Mint Julep's posts from this week - the selfishness of being in "love" with two people and refusing to choose, the fact that technology is a mothafkuca and can come back to bite you in the ass, the reality that relationships are a difficult thing, that trust is a four letter word.... And that men ain't shyt but hoes and tricks. Ok, like Mint Julep, I kid. Sort of. But I think that most of us know that a man will take advantage of a situation if we allow it. And so women must know their power. Apply common sense when necessary. Take an obviously undesirable situation at face value instead of analyzing it, picking it apart, re-writing it to fit into a fantasy. Stop being foolish and be wise enough to know what really is, what ain't and what will never be.

That's my time y'all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

Love is Never Straight Forward, Pt. Duex

Everybody has a type...I like the older-ambitious-well-groomed-lovely-smile type but this isn't about me is it? (chuckle) Back to Shauna and John....

Separated or recently divorced, seeking male attention, ready to move on, wanting to prove ones worth, looking to have someone legitimize their significance in a relationship. Not necessarily looking for a relationship so the normal rules of courtship don't apply. However, the emotions still come into play. The I-love-yous and the Do-you-love-mes help to keep this charade going. This is John's type.

Shauna's name is not really important because one, it is insignificant and two, she like the others are all interchangeable. OOoo-ouch! Now that might seem harsh but it is true. John might have a type but the Shaunas need him. He provides the confidence needed to get back on the street without even knowing it. The problem is getting the Shaunas to realize "Baby-girl you are ready! You owe John nothing but a simple thank you and a smile. It was fun while it lasted but you got a new pair of shoes now!"

The Shaunas tell me "But what if this is true love? What if it is more than a charade?"

You won't know that until you move on Shauna. You won't know if it is really true love or late night fvcking until you move on. I am still a believer that real love is in true friendship and true friendship is timeless. And as we all know relationships sometimes come to an end. If John is a true friend he isn't going anywhere.

Trust me...I know and I never had to tell him I love him. (chuckle) And yes, we're not doing the late night tango anymore either. We are just friends. Friends that hopefully can talk about every and anything one day.

Hold my hand Shauna, let's take a step back, everyone thinks you are fabulous, including John. And this is why he doesn't play by the normal rules of courtship. You thought you understood but you should have a better understanding now that I have introduced you to the others.

John is not a bad guy...he is just a John...oops I mean a man. (sorry John it was just too easy...chuckle) But seriously, John has his own wants and needs that I can't really speak for but I am sure they are valid.

Accept John for who he is...if he is hesitant to give you what you ask for or need and can't articulate why (as you mentioned in Pt. 1)...continue to make decisions on my your own accord (i.e that divorce) and continue to move at your own speed, as will John.

You got to respect the heart, much luv until next week...peace :)

I Am Not Scared of Lions, Tigers And Bears

Hear ye! Hear ye!
I am about to get up on my own personal soap box y'all!

Recently, I offered my heart and soul up on a platter in return for true friendship comprised of honesty, trust and emotional support. The scariest thing that I have done in a while. What I received for this gesture was the following:

1. The Classic Lie
Are you seeing anyone right now? No, I am not.
It is like you need a follow-up question like "Does this person you are not seeing know that you guys are not seeing each other?" Just curious!?!

2. The Ultimate Sign of Mistrust
Why are you in pictures with other men on facebook?
I think the questions go, who, what, where and why? If you ask the first one or two there would be no need for the third and fourth.

3. Lack of Emotional Support
Why are you angry?
I can't tell you how often my sadness or disappointment is mistaken for anger. Did I say was angry? I believe I said disappointed and/or sad. You ask why are you angry when you should be asking, why are you upset.

So there you go...you see what I asked for, you promised to deliver but fell short. So explain to me why I shouldn't be scared of loving you? When I think I should keep my heart to myself.






Stepping down with much luv until next week...peace:)

Is You Is, Or Is You Ain't My Baby?

Nestled in between Gossip Girl and any paternity episode of Maury lies my guilty pleasure show-CHEATERS. I love this show! And admitting it makes me feel like I kind of suck as a person… but I can’t deny that there is something fascinating when watching a person who suspects their significant other is stepping out on them, and them enlisting the help of Cheaters’ detectives to procure evidence. And for rating’s sake the host shows the jilted lover video of their love one in the arms of another over and over and over, with added commentary like “This was the day they told you they couldn’t meet because they were taking granny to the doctor!” This of course leads to bestest part of the show…the confrontation! The cheater never sees it coming, but when the cameras show up with the person that they were suppose to remain faithful to the censors go to work…You ain’t *beep* you limp *beep* *beep* *beeeeeeeeeep*! It, in a word is, awesome.

But more often than not Cheaters is a show for women. Most female folk today are carrying around the notion that even a good man can have some no good in him, which is a fallacy until it’s true. But there are times when there are men on Cheaters suspecting that their lady is messing around, which makes the show a bit more interesting. And I say this because while I am aware that women are also human, and can therefore cheat, society has taught me that its not as common and that boys will be boys. And so seeing a man cry because his heart is broken still has a train wreck affect on me...I must look, I must watch!

So in sharing my love for the show Cheaters with my Y-chromosome friend, he gave me some perspective on cheating between the sexes-his view from there, if you will. He had recently participated in a pow-wow session with some of his boys, probably after a football game, and these men got to talking about how when a woman cheats it’s often worse than when a man cheats. No one denied that cheating was generally horrible in a committed relationship, but while men often cheat because they see something loverly before them…women cheat because they are emotionally tied to their new lover, so while the man’s moment was fleeting a woman remains emotionally connected.

Hmmmmm. Interesting eh?

I thought so, because I could see his point. Of course there are exceptions to every rule-I know there are some bold and brazen, Samantha Jones type women out there who can view sex as just a biological fluid exchange. But for the most part women emote and are looking for a connection before they grant a man entry. And because of this fact, my friend stated that it’s usually something that their man is or isn’t doing that allows for another man to enter her heart with compliments, candy and conversation. And it’s the conversation that causes the heart to flutter and the feelings to grow intense, to the point that a cheating woman can find herself bound within a relationship, while a cheating man-after two pumps and a squirt-can keep it moving.

I think we can all agree that relationships with folks can be difficult and trying, but is it worse when a woman strays away from home? Even if she’s driven to do so by her man, because she often assumes the role of a nurturer in a relationship does her infidelity have a greater detriment to all involved? And in a world of imbalance and double standards, its it wrong to say that the same wrong committed by two sexes is somehow different?

Why aren't there any songs about men busting windows out of cars?


See You In Seven

What do you say, Courvoisier? (Part 2)

Dear Courvoisier,
Remember that friend I was telling you about? Well, she has offered to help me out with this project I am working on. I am not quite sure if I should accept this offer. I could really do with the help and she is willing to help me in every which way she can. She has proven this several times but this relationship is rather tricky. We have slept with each other a couple times, nothing steady or regular, and I am afraid that this may be ploy to get closer even though she already has a man. Like I said I could do with the help but I can’t…well you know how women are! What should I do?
Tyrone

Tyrone,
Although I am a woman, I can’t really speak for every woman. However, I do believe that neither pussy nor dick should hinder you from achieving your goals. If anything it should help the process or make it more enjoyable! (chuckle)

So, has this said friend exhibited a crazy-lady mentality? In other words do you think this chic will bust the windows out your car? If you two have been casual friends for a while, sleeping with each other on and off, it is highly unlikely that she will all of a sudden start wil’in out, break into your house and lay naked in bed waiting for you to come home. (chuckle)

Let’s do some math…you see each other a couple times a week, communicate everyday and have slept with each other 7 times over the past year and a half. I am guessing (no offense) if your little sporadic rendezvous were mutually all-that, potentially crazy lady might have already had a manic episode. (chuckle) People don’t all of a sudden become crazy!

Listen, it is understandable that you are hesitant about this situation, it is almost the same as screwing someone that you work with (ah-ha…another topic we might want to discuss later). My advice to you is, if you NEED the help…go for it. Successful ventures are fostered by a great team, not one man. Let potentially crazy-lady, whom you yourself said has delivered, know your expectations for the new dynamic of the relationship. Make sure YOU adhere to that and check yourself every time it goes too far. This may turnout to be a mutually beneficial relationship. If you know what I mean! (chuckle)

And if all else fails, assist potentially crazy-lady in finding a boyfriend.
Oh, I forgot…she has one already! (chuckle)

Seems like a no-brainer to me but let’s hear what everyone else has to say…

Much luv until next week…peace :)
Courvoisier

*Of course, like always the names have been changed to protect the misguided.

Best Friends Forever?

Y'all Show Your Love as 5 and a Possible Present: Raspberry Martini

Raspberry Martini: A classic with a feminine twist. Strong, sweet, and to the point. I am a 20 something teacher who is known for her Type-A personality and humor. Read my entries and you will find musings on my adventures in education (or lack thereof), dating (or lack thereof), and weight loss (or lack thereof).

**Ring Ring** You have reached the Sprint voice mail of..."

THREE DAYS LATER

Friend: "Hey, Raspberry Martini, I saw that you called…What's up?"
Raspberry Martini: "Yea, I just haven't heard from you in a while. Just wanted to see what was going on. What have you been up to all summer?"
Friend: "Nothing much, just working…"

***Awkward Pause***

Friend: "You know, we should hang out some time."
RM: "Sure! what are you doing this weekend?"
Friend: "Well…um, let me get back to you, I think My Baaaaby may have something planned."

Situation sound familiar?

You call your friend, she doesn't return your call for days. You ask her to hang out, and she never seems to have the time. Your sporadic phone conversations usually come back to one topic. Sometimes you don't even know if you are talking to the same person anymore, and wonder if her personality has been hijacked by some unknown force. Is this friend on drugs you ask? No. Decided to practice Scientology? Nope. Is she mad at you, you ask? No.

She's been dickmatized!!

Perhaps I am being a bit dramatic (all a part of my charm), because most have been there at one point or another: a budding new relationship, a delightfully consuming new beau. Everything he says is incredibly sweet, intelligent, unique, or hilarious. Not to mention, he makes your body tingle like Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap. Suddenly, weeks have passed and you have been conspicuously absent from every social outing with your girls. And you can't understand why, lately, your friends seem to be annoyed with your conversation. Could it be that for the past six months every sentence starts with, "Well *insert mushy boyfriend pet name here* says/thinks/does/feels/ …" Let's face it, while we may be happy for you, and we may want to hear about your happiness (to a point), not everybody is going to think your new man shits diamonds.

My female friends tend to fall into one of two categories concerning new relationships: either they pull a temporary disappearing act (natural when building a new relationship) and return to normal, or they permanently distance themselves because their life becomes a constant orbit around their new Prince Charming. I always feel awkward when his happens because I understand the tempting time warp that your new man can become. However, when you are on the opposite side, you can't help but feel some sort of resentment and hurt that your friend has indefinitely placed you on the back burner.

Do I sound bitter? If so, it's because I am going through this situation with someone I considered a very close friend. We used to talk / text several times a week about any and everything, share secrets and inside jokes, confide in each other about major life decisions, and hang out regularly. We were girls. Now we rarely speak because she returns calls days later and rarely initiates phone calls. She always states, "We should hang out sometime…" like we are schmoozing at some C-Class networking event, but somehow plans never seem to materialize. I chose to keep mum with my feelings and gave her her space in hopes that she would come around at some point. However, when she moved in with her new man without telling me, I knew that our relationship had taken a detour, and I had no idea where we stood anymore. I felt completely left out.

When I finally spoke to her about my feelings, she said: "Well, I don't have a car, so I go where ever My Baaaaby goes." Let us all pause for the lameness of that excuse. At this point, I don't know what to do aside from mourn a formerly close friendship. Her boyfriend is a nice guy and a great catch, but why does that equal disappearing into his world? I am at a loss about what to do, or perhaps, more accurately, frustrated that I can't really do anything about the situation. Do I bring it up again at the risk of alienating her even more? Or do I disappear as well, and if our friendship ever goes off pause mode, hope I can let go of the resentment that has festered.

Internet Diva facade aside, I am a tad bit jealous. Not only because she spends all her time with him, but as I said, he is a great catch. In my present singleness, I would love to have someone to cuddle up with and perhaps build a future. I am still waiting for my catch. Damn, sometimes I'm still waiting for a decent bite or nibble (literally and figuratively). However, mostly, I just miss my homey.

This situation taught me that all relationships take work and dedication. As we grow older, acquiring more responsibilities and commitments, time and energy become increasingly scarce and therefore sacred. I guess as my friends start to pair off, get married, and procreate, our relationships will change and shift. Is this all a part of growing up? Unfortunately, it is. How you and your friend decide to navigate the new terrain of your friendship will help you decide if they are there for a reason, season, or a lifetime. What I've learned from being on the other side is that through life's changes it is important to continue to nurture all of your relationships---romantic or otherwise. You never know, three days can easily become three years – and life doesn't have a pause button.

Keep it Shaken,

Raspberry Martini

on love

All I am a heart for you

All I am available to you

All I am desperate for you

All I am in love with you

~ "All I Am" KiKi Sheard

This past weekend I went to a wedding. And for all my tendencies toward hateration concerning this union, it was a lovely event. You'd have to have a true heart of stone, be the coldest bitch on earth, ice cold, to not feel a glimmer of something, a tingle of joy perhaps at two people committing themselves fully to each other for life in front of so many witnesses.

Considering all the "drama" that has taken place, all the breakups and makeups, disappointments and betrayals that can (and did) occur behind the scenes of the blessed nuptials, one often wonders how could she pledge her life to him after all he's done, how could he knowingly lock himself in to one woman for life?

More simply put… What is love? Is that really love? and if so, is it possible to have the good love without the "bad"?

From the outside looking in, it's sooo easy to judge, to say yay or nay. To discuss ad nauseum with other non-married, non-boo'd up, non-in-love women whether what two people share is or isn't love. To speculate about what one would and would not take, about what one wouldn't tolerate. You know you've asked yourself, how could he/she possibly love the object of their affection when they do such f'ed up things to the other person or take such gutter treatment in the name of love.

I've even been guilty of going so far as to say...if that is love, I want no parts of "that" kind of love. But I recently had to rethink that statement. For who am I to say, sitting safely in my "not-in-love" courtside seats, getting a bird's eye view of what I don't have, that I wouldn't take the good with the bad in order to experience such deep soul-tingling love, or whatever you want to call it.

Granted, there have and will continue to be some caveats to (it just wouldn't be mint julep without the caveats and the common sense). Some things, some very bad things, we can as a community objectively say are not worth the love. i.e. public beatdowns, death threats, incurable and infectious diseases transmitted without the others knowledge. but then you get closer to the edge of that slippery slope of infidelity, unavailability and brokeassness.

So what pushes a person over the edge, to become and remain so in love that they take treatment that objectively doesn't reflect LOVE? Me no know. I'd imagine love to be, what it means to truly be in love with someone, is to give yourself so fully and completely trusting that the other person will hold you down. But do we have a choice in the matter? Some say love is a choice. Others say that you can't chose who you fall in love with. I'm not sure where I fall in the debate. Cause at this moment I have a few automatic love forfeiture clauses that I can't see myself doing away with.

Yet, like the chicken-egg circular debate, I'm not in love, at least not like the couple I saw get married, so how can I say what is and is not worth the love? Can you?

asleep in Sunday School

One of my favorite movies (at the moment) is Kno.cked Up. Me loves it! It’s funny and full of moments that are so true to life. And while I was watching it over the weekend for the 50-eleventh time (cause I’m a loser with no cable), I had an ah-ha moment.

Eureka….eu—freakin-reka! © Seth Cohen. This whole movie is like last week’s post come to live. Made possible by white movie actors, of course. For those of y’all who haven’t seen it, slacker Ben meets on-the-come-up Alison randomly one night at the club. They head to her place for a little naked goodness but right before the deed is done, their wires get crossed such that Ben goes it raw dog, and Alison ends up preggers. The scene where Alison breaks the news to Ben that she is with child is classic. Missed sex education much, kids?

Alison: I'm pregnant.
Ben: Fuck off!
Alison: What?
Ben: What?
Alison: I'm pregnant.
Ben: Pregnant... with emotion?
Alison: Pregnant with a baby.
[Then they talk about how Alison thought Ben had on a condom and he tells her that in fact he did not, leading him to ask her how come she didn’t realize he didn’t use protection.]
Alison: I was drunk!
Ben: Was your vagina drunk? You think I'm an inventor? "He created a dick-skin condom, He hollowed out a penis and put it on", what the fuck?

I die laughing every time I watch that scene. Alison and Ben try to make a go of the relationship since they will be tied together by this baby for the next 18+ years. Despite some rough (and wildly hilarious) patches, they end up happily ever after since it is a movie and they are white.

Folks I know who find themselves in this same predicament -- guy meets girl at club, they f*ck once or often like it’s goin out of style, somebody forgets their sex education 101 and girl ends up pregnant. That shit usually ends on a sour note. Because the two people are probably totally incompatible and just haven’t had enough time to figure that out because instead of getting to know each other they were just f*cking. NOTE: taint nothing wrong with sexual relations between two grown folks but when you slip up and create a life, shit gets complicated. Or even if they kinda sorta could possibly have been feeling each other, the stress and strain of an unwanted pregnancy can, I’d imagine, drive any normal person insane. In the movie, Ben hints at the shame of Alison's being an unwed mother but in real life I often wonder, WHERE WENT THE SHAME?

Cause young unwed women coming up pregnant happens a whole lot more amongst the young black crowd or more among folks that I know (which is the young black crowd). I remember the days when folks, especially church deacons and deaconesses looked at you crazy when you came strutting into the church with a bump under your shirt. Like oh hell no little Ms. Hot in the Pants did not walk up in my sanctuary pregnant and we know she aint been married by Pastornem. And you shore couldn’t come back to church till that baby was out. If ever. We’d whisper about them and speculate during Sunday School what the future held for them now that they had been ruined. Notwithstanding the inherent sexism in these judgments, I honestly believe that the shaming which these girls had to endure among their church community impacted not only that girl's future sexual behavior but also the behavior of younger onlooking girls. It engrained in me the idea that I should keep my legs together and if I so happened to open them, I should make sure not to come back with some visible evidence that I had opened them.

Nowadays, young unwed mothers get way too many congratulations. Of course, I’m not saying that we should bring out the scarlet "BM"and "BD" and brand folks foreheads so we all know that there is a baby running round which they created outside the bounds of marriage but I think that we have gotten way too comfortable with this situation to the community's detriment. Folks are so brazen and bold that not onlydo they have that one but then they continue to pop out another and another and another, as if to say MARRIAGE BE DAMNED.

And being a young unwed mother with a sometimes in the picture baby daddy is difficult and not ideal, especially if that becomes your norm. How does that affect your kids and their ideas about what a healthy love relationship should look like when it's time for them to get into one?

I know this may make some folks upset, in part because we ALL know someone who had a baby outside of marriage and therefore it is personal to us and we don’t want to judge people we know and love. But on a macro-level…ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

“This isn't funny. This guy's got twelve kids, that's not funny. That's a lot of responsibility to just be... laughing about. This is sick.” –Ben

A Declaration of Independence

I never thought that I would be one of those women who, through hail and high water stuck around and hung on because one day, some day it was all going get better. I never pictured myself as that woman who would hope in despair that a change was gonna come, maybe not today, or even tomorrow…but soon. Yet here I am, eight years later realizing that I am more house than field because it’s easier to put up and shut up than it is to get up and walk out.

I stay because I can’t afford my own freedom. It’s like just as soon as I get enough together, be it money or might, there’s always another requirement that I’m being informed of. Or as Nas said it, “its like they playing with 54 and all I got is 52”

*Sigh* At this point, it will take an act of God-
“I’ve been ‘buked and I’ve been scorned…”

So maybe I’m being a tad dramatic. I’m not a slave and I’m not a woman trapped in a loveless relationship; but damn Sprint! Free me from my contract! They are getting all Bally’s Totally Fitness on a girl, like I have to die in order to not be in breach and be free from these people. And don’t try to get all bold and brazen like I did in my youth and not pay ‘em... What?! It like’s like a boyfriend on the dow low, the next thing you know you (or in my case, my credit) is diseased!

But like I said I’ve been with Sprint for eight years, meaning that there were at least 3 times I could have walked away. But they kept enticing me with discounts on new shiny phones with the latest and greatest bells and whistles. And so a couple weeks ago I fell again, for a sleek little phone with a camera, television and music player-all upgrades from what I previously had. Once I held the phone in my hand I was in love instantly. I didn’t mind committing the next two years of my life and a couple hundred dollars to a company that I have been with for so long. I was happy. I was content. I was gooey inside.

Until Sprint started acting like it’s usual ‘ole conniving self. I swore they had changed, and had new hope for our relationship. But when I tried to watch television on my new and improved phone, all I saw was black; and my reflected WTF face in the LCD. Oh yes! Sprint wants me to give them 70 bucks a month just to use my own damn phone if I want to do more than calling people. The nerve! Fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice…well at this point I am covered in shame. Are they serious? 70 bucks a month in a recession? Please! I bet Verizon wouldn’t do me like this!

Hell no I ain’t payin’! Hell no I ain’t… Hell no… Damnit Sprint! I’m just giving you two more years and I’m out! You hear me?! I’m packing my bags and going to my momma’s. Imma pay your 70 dollars, but I ain’t going through this with you again! I’d get a Trak phone first!

See You In Seven