the twos

amaretto got me to thinking about "how does the story of the one go? how should it go?"...


as i said in my comment, "it has to be a mutual 'thinkin he/she the one' or 'the twos' perhaps is what ima start calling it. the two of you have to click together, mutually, at the same time." and as i thought more about it, the story of a friend of mine who seemingly has found "the one" came to mind.

about a year ago, my friend tom* graduated school and moved to a new city to start a new job. on this new job he met an australian woman, nicole* who had come from her homeland to do an internship with his office. they became fast friends but unfortunately for tom, nicole had a boy back home. from the start, things clicked for tom. he knew he liked her but because of nicole's situation he played the friend role, unsure of whether nicole felt the same way he did. and so tom and nicole got to know each other very well and bonded over their mutual commitment to and passion for their work.

tom held his feelings inside while being the best friend he could be. and so it came to pass that nicole's time in the states drew to a close. over dinner during her last night in town tom and nicole reminisced on the joys of their friendship, saying their mutual goodbyes, not knowing if they'd ever see each other again. afterward, tom went home and cried (yes, cried) at the loss of his good friend (and the woman who might have been the one).

nicole went back to her boy in australia but she and tom stayed in touch regularly. then out of the blue one day nicole told tom, "listen, i have some things going on here, and i need to not talk to you for a spell." tom's heart sank at the thought but he occupied his time with the demands of work and the fellowship of friends. and for three weeks he heard nothing from nicole. and then while on a week's vacation in hawaii tom heard a word. nicole reached out and after the small talk nicole suggested, "come on over to australia." and so he did.

it was during tom's time in australia that the click really happened. simultaneously. nicole confessed that when she first met tom she really liked him as well. that things had clicked for her when they first met but because of her relationship back home she didn't jump in. nicole shared that she and the boyfriend had trouble before she left for the states but that she wanted to make sure that she gave that relationship one last try. and that the reason for the breakup wasn't tom. and she confessed that after that last dinner she cried too!

and so, tom said to me over drinks one night, that was how he met "the one." that when he clicked with nicole it wasn't hard in the sense of how they related to each other, just difficult because didn't know if she felt the same although he kinda suspected but didn't know for sure how he felt. it was easy. like home. kinda like jill scott's easy conversation...

I like that I can talk to you

And you seem to adore it

I like that I can tell you

Exactly how I feel

I like that you don’t

Look at me in that confused kind of way when

The thoughts are running through my mind

And I can’t seem to find

The right thing to say

Ohh this feels nice

Our easy conversation

Ohhh this feels so right

Our easy conversation

Ohh ohh ahhhh

This feels nice

I really like when you speak to me

You never front

You always tell me straight up

*names changed to protect the lovers

some things i thought i'd never do

for the last few days, black women have been buzzing about jill scott's latest revelation: she's a single mom. jill and drummer boy have called it quits.

some folks wonder was it all just a show? was the good love, the engagement, and the matching tatts just a smokescreen for the baby. let the comments on essence.com tell it, some women are mad as hell. how could she do it? didn't she say, "I can even raise the child we'll make, make sure he's loved and knows what God gave us, I can teach him how to walk and stand but he needs you to help him be a man, we need you."

or did she?

wasn't that just in a song she wrote? for our entertainment and encouragement. was it the real real truth? did jill scott deep down in her soul tell herself that she'd never be somebody's baby's mama? or did folks just see jill, all natural and glowing, luxuriously voluptuous, empowered and independent, all mother earthish and assume that "she knew better." that a woman who could write lyrics that seemed to express exactly how a woman was feeling would never get caught out there thinking she loved somebody, wanted to be with him for the rest of her life and then end up raising his child alone.

just look to e. badu for guidance. 3 babies from 3 baby's daddies. "i dont take nothin that [chic] say to heart, not like im better, just that we all full of contradictions." (c) rum punch.

contradictions indeed...

as women age and divorce and have desires for babies, we _________ [fill in some word that doesn't have compromise's negative connotations].

we mellow
we grow
we change what we want and desire.
hell, we compromise.
cause we probably started off from some unrealistic black knight in shining armor place.
we make mistakes.
we realize that love is complex as hell and that relationships take work
and we decide whether we will or will not be bothered
or if we'd just rather have the baby, please and thanks...

how far away from your "I'd never do...'s" have you gotten? for the good or for the bad?

one mo'gin

photo courtesy of Karen Cunningham for the nytimes

i'm a big fan of the "come back around love". i don't know if that's what other people call it but in my head that's the perfect name for it. you know when two people meet, they click and everything just seems so right. but for whatever reason (timing, other loves, career commitments, fear) they can't make it work. and they part, looking longingly back down the road at one another.

but later down that road, maybe many years , marriages and kids later, they pass each other on the street, some things have changed, some's good, some for the bad, but seeing you reminds me of the precious times we had. she's unhappy and she miss the shit they used to do. he miss her smile, her mouth, her laughter, he never bumped into her kind before or after... that's the "come back around love." i think it's so romantic and i seem to find examples of it all the time.

enter michelle and david, this week's featured couple on the nytimes vows page:

these two met at 23 while taking a class together. she "just knew I was going to marry him.” he thought “[t]he passion was going at warp speed...[t]here was nothing more I could have wanted.” despite all the butterflies they didn't stay together.

Even so, he felt he was too young to settle down and suggested that they see other people.

A pained look appeared on her face. He said, “I remember walking away thinking: ‘You’re an idiot. This isn’t what you really want.’ But at that age you just keep walking.”

over the next few years after their initial meeting, they fell into an on-again, off-again pattern that ended in 1992 when she announced her engagement to someone else.

*cue jill scott*


"you know what this is, you knew what it was..."

or did he? sadness...

there in lies the risk of the "come back around love." as with michelle and david, either party can (and will) move on to someone else. she went on to flourish professionally as a marketing director and flounder personally through two failed marriages. he did the same, marrying once and having two sons. luckily for them, these relationships didn't work out and they found their way back to each other.

but reading their story made me think about all the drama that may be attached to the "come back around love." how much "back around" is too much? michelle ran through two marriages before they reconnected. it seems like they both had hard lives while they were away from each other. think about all the money spent on weddings, alimony, and such. what about all these young kids, the drama of blended families, the stress of being a stepparent. would they have been better off just trying to make it work when they first met? would they still be together if they hadn't taken the time to grow in between away from each other?

these are the questions, the questions, that's what it's all about...

in my heart i still like the idea of the "come back around love" although it clearly presents a world of problems. i'm a right now kinda girl so i don't think i'd have the patience to wait for a man to decide whether he wants to be with me. but it's still sweet. i'll still go awwww when a friend tells me about how she ran into him at homecoming last year and they fell right back into each other, like they did when they first met at market friday in '01. it makes for a good story, just like michelle and david. but at what cost?

what say you?

think on it as d'angelo sings...