Just Passing It Along

Heeeeeeeeeey ya'll! Sorry for not posting last week, and sorry for not really posting this week; but it's just been crazy in my personal and work life here lately-and it would take many a blog-that I am too slouthful to write-to get all my feelings and obeservations out in a way that doesn't portray me as a ranting and raving lunatic. And I say all dat to say, Imma do better by ya'll next month!

So, my coworker sent me the following email today and I thought it was pretty interesting in the ha ha ha ho ho ho way-and that's probably because it was a welcomed distraction from work. Not that Mr. Tazz Daddy is wrong, I think women need more insights from non female or gay male friends on the inner workings of masculine mind-but it's like just when I thought all I needed to know was how to cook, save money, find a bargain, balance a checkbook, give back to my community, love the Lord and be a good sistergirl friend and a regular ole girlfriend-I get this. What he mean that I can no longer have Beyonce as my life coach? Say whaaaaaaaaaat?


15 Things All Black Women Should Know

1. We don’t think that every Black woman is a bitch, but we damn sure know the difference between a bitch and a lady. It would behoove you to conduct yourself in a positive manner. We don’t have time for a lot of slick talking, unnecessary debate.

2. Your job doesn’t mean anything to us and neither does your title. When we choose a mate, were more concerned with how they act, and if they’re able to carry on a stimulating intellectual conversation about various subjects. I’m not going to say that we don’t care what you look like physically, because that would be lying. Men definitely care about how you look; we’re just not as obsessed with it as you think we are.

3. We can’t stand your hair weaves! We can’t touch your hair, let alone pull it during sex. So many of you start off with such long beautiful hair, and then the very next week it brand-new hair sewn in. This totally baffles us; it makes us feel like you never satisfied with your image. When it comes to choosing a mate we don’t want an indecisive, self-conscious woman. And we all know you don’t want an indecisive self-conscious man!

4. We don’t want to hear about your ex-boyfriends/husbands and how horrible they were to you. We are not responsible for their mistakes, nor will we sit around and pay for them. If you have not given yourself enough time to get over your ex, do us a favor and seek psychological help before entering into a relationship with us.

5. No Black Man respects Steve Harvey’s opinion on women. This man is a professional comedian who is backed up by Oprah Winfrey. How can you believe advice from a woman who can’t commit to a man she’s been with for over 20 years? That’s as asinine as me giving diet tips!

6. We know the difference between a wife and a jumpoff. We don’t need to hear you tell us how much of a "good woman" you are. That will be evidenced by the way that you carry yourself.

7. Its true: All Men Are Dogs! What you fail to realize is that all dogs have different pedigrees! It’s up to you to determine the difference between the poodles, the mongrels, the German shepherds, and the rabid pit bull’s. Depending on the pedigree some dogs are loyal, and some dogs are wayward much that you should never touch because you could catch something: like rabies!

8. We want a woman who’s going to be willing to submit to us. Where women mess up, is by thinking that we mean that we want a slave, or a maid. A man who is bringing his A-game desires a cheerleader from the sidelines, who can double as an assistant coach. We also want someone who can play wide receiver as well as understand that there is only room for one quarterback. In layman’s terms, we don’t want you behind us, we want you beside us. We need women who are able to support our dreams and our vision without all of the nagging and jaw jacking that tends to come with some sistas.

9. Your girlfriends have absolutely no business in our relationship/marriage! Many of today’s modern women feel like they need someone to cosign every decision they make in their relationship/marriage. This annoys the living daylights out of every Black man I know including myself. And that goes double for your male "best friend". This guy either wants to sleep with you (and you’re unaware of it) or he already has in the past. Either way, he DAMN SURE doesn’t need to know what’s going on in our relationship/marriage!

10. Sex and children are not weapons! If you manipulate a man by using sex and children, you will eventually find yourself by yourself! Or there’s the alternative: you find yourself with a man who truly does not want to be with you but has no choice, because he wants to see his child. When it comes to sex, it can only hold a weak man hostage. Strong men who have their lives together understand that they have many options. Some of which, are better options than you are.

11. Mind games never work! Even if you manage to manipulate a man, sooner or later he’ll become aware of your manipulation and he will resent you for it. Thinking that you are slicker than a can of oil, can only lead you to slip up! Men respect women who can be open and honest with them! After all, isn’t that what you want in a man?

12. don’t go through our phones, our computers or through our cars without our permission. When you choose to become a private detective in your relationship/marriage, you’re telling us that you don’t have any trust in us at all! Once the trust is broken, you have nothing left to stand on in your relationship. You are not Sherlock Holmes, you are not Nancy Drew, and you damn sure are not Joey Greco from the TV show Cheaters. If you have questions and concerns, open your mouth and addressed him like an adult. If you can’t do this, and you feel the need to snoop, you might as well leave the relationship.

13. If you have one or more friends who is a slut, most men will tend to believe that you probably are a slut as well. While that sounds particularly harsh, it’s how man’s brains are wired. Even if you’re not a slut or a whore, why would you condone the behavior of your "friend" who acts like one? That makes as much sense as a man who has a friend who does not take care of his children. Or about as much sense as a man who has a friend who cheats on his wife. If your woman with even the smallest ounce of self-respect, you would question us the same way that we would question you if you had a friend who was as open as a Waffle House in the middle of Georgia.

14. Don’t Listen to the Media! As a broadcast professional of over 20 years, I can assure you that when information is put out of about Black men and Black women, it is done for one purpose and one purpose alone: Ratings! The media is in the business of Ratings, Revenue & Entertainment, not in the business of serving the Black community and Black women in a way that will uplift and empower them. Black men are not all gay or on the "Down Low"! Black men are not all in jail/prison! There are plenty of us who are educated, eligible, hard working and who are willing to love you unconditionally if given the chance. You have to be willing to come to the realization that your "Knight in shining armor" may come in the form of a plumber, mail carrier, or small business owner. If you spend your life waiting on the float with Mr. Universe on it, you’re going to miss the entire parade!

15. Stop using Beyoncé as a life coach! In recent years, Beyoncé, along with several other R&B artists have made these "Women’s Empowerment Anthems" that have led women to believe that they can throw us "to the left". Contrary to public opinion and prior belief, if you "bust the windows out of our cars", we’re going to press charges against you. If you spend your time looking for a "Sponsor", and Honestly Believe That "If We Liked It Then We Should’ve Put a Ring on it", then you truly don’t understand what we’re all about! to us what we hear one and say that she wants a "sponsor", we hear that she’s trying to use her vagina and good looks for money. Believe it or not, most men don’t want a prostitute. Also, when we Love you, we will "put a ring on it", and not a minute before where ready! Finally, Beyoncé may talk a good game on records and in videos, but what most of you are failing to realize is that she is a very Happily Married Woman! Beyoncé is also the woman who wrote the song "Cater to You", but for some strange reason you don’t go around quoting that one!

Ladies, these views are my personal take on things that my friends and I have always had issues with when it came to Black women. I hope you take this letter and the spirit of honesty, and not turn it into an attack on all Black Women.

Your love, honored, and respected, but like some Black men, some of you need to get it together.

Tazz Daddy is an Award Winning Cultural Specialist, Radio Personality, Lecturer and Author. His latest book: "Common Sense Ain’t Common", is available for pre-order at the "books" tab at http://TazzDaddy.com/

So is there anything that you just don't agree with? Do you have a #16 or a list of things all men should know about women? Care and share it here!

See You In Seven

Leaving An Impression

I don’t know about ya’ll, but when I get to heaven I have a few questions that Imma need to ask. Aside from the meaning of life, why is the sky blue and who shot JFK…I just really need to know why God made men and women so undeniably different! I know a billion books have been written on this subject, but I must know how the sexes are supposed to communicate with each other when we view and process this world so differently. If the question is what is a healthy side dish-I’m saying a tossed spinach salad with the dressing on the side and he’s saying doubled fried French fries. His qualifier-that vegetables are healthy and a potato is a vegetable. Is he wrong? No. But is he right? Still no. I wondered about this communication disconnect before, but since hanging out with a male on a regular basis I feel like there must be some inside joke that no one on this side of life has been privy to the punch line. Lord, you got to let me in on the joke, because I’m not understanding!

Picture this: Fight Party 2010. The couple hosting the party invited an assortment of friends. Folks from church, work and around the way all convening with the ghetto and the fabulous! The great equalizer food, drinks and half naked men hitting each other. For any single lady this was one of those golden opportunities to meet and greet a summer boo. So these chicks come in with their low cut shirts, thigh high dresses. They have on 3” heels and oodles of makeup. Just looking too fly…in someone’s townhouse!

So after the party I’m talking to my friend about the sights and sounds of the party. I’m giving him all sorts of back story about this woman named Nigeria who I feel doesn’t really like me for whatever reason and I finally had the chance to point her out to him. So I go Nigeria is the girl who had on the blue dress.

Him: Who’s Nigeria?
Me: The girl who had on the blue dress.
Him: I don’t know who you are talking about. When did she get there?
Me: Really? Cause she was there the whole time. You know that one who was dancing by herself to the music?
Him: *puzzled face*
Me: Nigeria! Blue dress!
Him: Oh the one with the big hips?
Me: Um, yes! Nigeria.
Him: Oh. I thought you were talking about the retarded looking girl.
Me: *internal dialog with self: was the retarded looking girl wearing a blue dress?! Heck no!*

I mean at that point I could have stabbed him with a plastic spoon! I understand that men are some times color blind…but a blue dress is a blue dress. And up until this conversation I thought men being visual included all things visual, but maybe it’s just the body parts that leave a mark on the minds of men folk. And in his defense Nigeria’s hips are usually one the first things people notice because they are enormous! But because folks are raised right and learn to speak through filters, I know not to comment on such things.

At any rate my friend went on to explain that men don’t really notice clothing. They notice how you carry yourself, if you are clean, etc and what you are working with. But who or what you got on-they careth not. So the light bulb came on and I was like basically women are just dressing for each other? And he was like, exactly. And maybe this is true across the board for men folk except for the Kanye’s and Fonzworth Bentleys of the world… Or maybe this is just for my friend. But I know now that if I want to point a chick out to him I better describe her face, butt or breast…otherwise he just didn’t notice, or at least has no idea what I am talking about. Ba-dump-ching.


See You In Seven

Kitchen Closed

So the other day my brother and I were driving along in our automobile when his phone went off with some song I had not heard of because I am not hip – meanwhile I knew the New Edition ringtone right away. Heh. So I’m like, “what is that?” And I hear, “Purple Kmumuble…” And I’m like, “whaaaa?!” And he says, “it’s by the Dream.” Is it the Dream? Or just Dream? Anyway. So now I’m sounding like somebody’s grandmomma talkin’ bout, “What you say bay-bay? Purple Kitchen?” And he’s like, “NO! You old ass lady! Purple Kisses. Purple Kitchen makes no sense.” And I’m all, “Don’t act like R. Kelly wouldn’t make a song called Purple Kitchen.”

Him right on cue: “Gonna beat it up, in your purple kitchen.”
Me: Throw some eggs and sugar in there, we gon’ make a cake in your purple kitchen.
Him: We gon’ cook all night…
In unison, to a typical R. Kelly beat: In your purple kitchen, purple kitchen.
Laughter. And then we decided to stop before R. Kelly’s ‘Negroes are engaging in some iganance that I must be a part of’ antennas went up and he got to “crafting” lyrics and making a beat. So then five minutes later.
Me: But for real though, why did this [new] guy who I haven’t heard from in forever call me up and invite himself over to my house talking bout I should cook something?
Him: Awww shucks. He tryna see your purple kitchen.

So yeah I haven’t lived alone in foreva. So I had totally forgotten the games these nigs play. I mean no one is inviting themselves over once you reveal that you live with yo’ momma, AND yo’ daddy (say what lil’ Black girl you got a daddy and you know him), AND yo’ 84 year old Big Momma. Yeah that ain’t happenin. Like at all.

But now that I’m on my own – all these people, i.e., men folk, think it’s cute to try to invite themselves over to my house. On some, Andre 3000, "We both goin' to where you livin..." No, you kiddin'. I’m sorry, did decorum just give up hope, get drunk, and jettison herself off a balcony in these last five years? As we get older, aren’t we supposed to start adhering to certain courtesy “rules,” like, ‘don’t call nobody after 10pm unless it’s a for real, serious emergency?’ And at the top of that list - don’t be inviting yourself ova to someone’s house all willy nilly. See I am getting older – I just said willy nilly. Especially if you don’t get down with that person like that! Pun intended.

And then to add insult to injury, you wanna invite yourself over to my house and then tell me to cook? Nygga please. I don’t even cook for myself. Right now. Tee hee. I’m definitely not cooking for some half stepping, make that quarter steppin’ man, who I only hear from every few weeks. But you’re more than welcome to take me on a proper date. Sigh. This type of behavior reminds me of that saying, “when I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it I’ll give it to you.” Remix - When I want you over to my house, I’ll invite you. Welllllll.

Cause you ain’t slick. Not so subtly hiding behind the wack ass line that is - we can get some Chinese and you can give me the tour, is - I’m really tryna see your bedroom. And then your purple kitchen. Nope. Nerp. Happen not gonna. I may not have lived alone in a long while. But I’m not 19 anymore. I was not born last night. Or at night. And you can’t come into my house or my purple kitchen tonight.

That's my time y'all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

Just cause this makes me laugh!

in a box

it's always amusing to hear a man's perspective on life, paticularly marriage. And a few weeks ago, I got an earful per an all male play. What was so intriguing was this guy's recount about "finding the one". And in his mind, he and his former squeeze were experiencing the closest thing to marriage in his mind. They were in sync, in love, etc... And yet after his girlfriend demanded a laundry list of actions to occur prior to their BIG DAY, he just felt like he was stuck in a box. And I reckon, many men share his sentiments.

Basically, he stated a litany of offenses that were a death sentence for a married man and likened that too having to fit in a box. And visually, he draws with his fingers the outline of a box. And the brother (@ least 6 feet tall) demonstrates the difficulty he'll have fitting comfortably into box. the visual was hilarious. And women, I swear had you seen this play -- you would have to concede the fact to the fellas and acknowledge the veracity of the statement 'cuz he was right. And it made me wonder, who is this brotha with all this wisdom, and more importantly why are women presenting marriage like a death sentence to a man. There's nothing fun about that portrayal. I am firm believer men need stimulation on multiple levels. I believe men are bored creatures and to ensure that your man "toes the line" he has got to be engaged, enlightened, and enthralled with you all at the same time. Yes ladies, depending on how you look at it, it can be a tall order or a piece of cake. perspective is a mutha And once you add the fact that most brothas don't have a semblance of a functional marriage, a father, a husband, and the outlook can get a lil' bleak; however most men I've encountered desire a marriage that will last -- want to be in it for the long haul irrespective of upbringing.

Well, we know one thing for sure change is constant. So, thinking outside of the box, just must might be the edge you need to be two steps of ahead of the rest.

cheers,

Bellini

so -- what's the point of it all?...

Earlier in the week, when I was enroute to work and stopped to purchase gas, a young boy with dishelved hair aka doodoo locks, untucked button-up, you get my drift asked if I was married. So, I ponder where is he going with this… “no.” “well, you know you look good in your professional attire…” “thank you.” “and so I would like to call you sometime.”

Oh what irony we have here… you like the way I look to work and yet you look like some shit and you’re a damn baby. Has it come down to this. So, what’s the point of it all. Be’cuz I have brothers your age and in a sisterly way I pitied you wonderin’ why come no woman in your life has told you lookin’ a fcukin’ mess and that is not the business when in a professional environment.

Now on Sunday, an acquaintance’s brother revealed to me that he should have pursued me 3 years ago. flattering perhaps; however he is a newlywed with a damn baby on the way.Why, was it relevant for him to tell me this?
So, what’s the point of it all.

Then I reminisce back to when Rummy expressed her feelings on a similar topic and i find myself asking so--what's the point of it all?

Only, if these fellas knew how I adore these lyrics and song from Anthony Hamilton. And if a brotha ain't got me feelin' like this:

I can't stay away from you too long
Even if I do I'll always call
Checkin' on you make sure you're ok
Be the one to brighten up your day

And the point of it all
Is I love you
You know I love you baby

My days seem long whenever we're apart
It's like someone had thrown away my heart
You're a major part of my life
And no matter what the storm may bring
I'm fine with you,

And the point of it all
Is I love you
And the reason for it all
Is I love you

O I love
O I love you
O my love

I can't stay away too long
I can't stay away from you baby
LyricsDon't wanna be without you
I need you
O why don't you stay around for awhile

And the point of it all
And the point of it all
And the point of it all
And the point of it all
Ohhohh, and the reason for it all
And the point of it all
Is that I love you
Yeah, I love you

Whenever we're apart
It damn near starves my heart
And I don't ever want to be apart

then truly what is the point of it all?


cheers,

Bellini

shakespearan love

Act I
"Wheneva i wanted to go out and do me -- I'd start an argument, just some stupid ass shyt. Then I'd go get her, buy her some shyt, take her out to eat... she'll be mad for a hot minute. Then we're good...until the following week when I gotta do it all over again."

I’m pushing it... push

17 years later, 2 kids later, begged and cried and convinced him to take her down the aisle – you was a girlfriend for 17 years?
seen him 2 months ago -- i don't recall a wedding band on the finger... and he always shared the fact that he told his wife "don't nothing change now that we're married" can't change a dog's spots!

Push it to the limit!
*************************************************************************************
Act II
"I'm not lookin' for a relationship right now. I just wanna do me! But I like you. So, if you wanna kick it we can." Fast forward a year later

After countless trips, love making sessions, and other exclusive moments together – I’m just a friend?

Oh, baby you – you got what I neeeeed
but you say I’m just a friend, you say I’m just a friend!
*************************************************************************************
Act III
So, brotherman life’s been good, but ya know I’m a pioneer. so I'm headin' west.
Brotherman retorts, “ Uh, out west!? I thought we were getting’ married?”’
Sistagirl replies, “Married? There’s no ring on my finger babe."

11 months later, brotherman and sistagirl were married.
32 years of marriage & 2 grown adults to prove it how ya like that for stats

I can’t leave you alone… you got me feenin’… got me goin’ crazy…
I can’t leave you alone… you got me feenin’… girl, I’m feenin’ for you

*************************************************************************************
Epilogue
Now, everything ain’t a happy ending as is portrayed in Act III. Act I and II are on some shaky, baky status. But, what I’m trying to convey is that menfolk will push it to the limit – IF YOU LET THEM, ladies. The guy in Act I would always tell me “women have so much power”. In Act II, homegirl is still trying to find her way and I have a feelin' she might end up a sourpuss or at the very least compromised her standards. But, homegirl is dismissing the fact that she has the power to change her sityachun. If this is the case, why are women always feeling powerless? Did you check Act III, sistagirl knew her power and exercised it accordingly. Ladies, usurp your power back, and for those of you who never gave it up – kudos. And I couldn’t end the quote without reference to a lyric – so ladies Fight the Power!

cheers,

Bellini

Oh Spare Me!

I think for the most part…at least if we boil all things down to biology, the role of the male in a species is to protect. Of course they are hunting and spreading their seed, but for the most part-looking at the wild animal kingdom-their responsibility is to protect what is theirs…their families.

The innate need to protect is also found in human men folk. But I think many men are confused about how to be protectors in the modern world. With the industrial revolution, feminism and television telling us what is and isn’t, I think many men don’t know what they should and shouldn’t do when dealing with women folk. The modern world is telling everyone to look out for themselves and “do you” how do men folk reconcile that with their instinctive responsibility to protect their women and children?

I imagine that life and relationships can be difficult for men. Now keep in mind I speak in generalizations and I am fully aware that I have not met every man in the world…though that would make for an interesting world record to set… But it annoys me that some men folk opt for delaying the truth and/or lying in an attempt (often a lame one) to protect feelings. Ugh! It’s humorous that in this modern world some men won’t open a door for a chick but will quickly opt for an archaic ideal of sparing a woman’s feelings by delaying a truth revelation. Saaaaaay what?

What. If my man drinks all the red Kool-Aid and I have been talking to him since noon about how I can’t wait to get me a nice cold glass when I get home. He should not wait until I have glass in hand and have pulled refrigerator ajar to tell me “Oh, by the way babe I drank all this Kool-Aid this morning.” Um. What? Imma gonna be pissed! Now he’ll probably claim that he forgot that he drank it all…which I personally would find hard to believe since we had conversation about it! But the end result is that I am madder than a Charlotte Hornet*, maybe even calling him a stupid simple simpleton, now that he allowed me to get to the point of almost tasting the Kool-Aid! Whereas If he told me at noon, I wouldn’t have spent the day building up how good that Kool-Aid was gonna taste!

But who cares about Kool-Aid it’s just Kool-Aid? And that’s true, who cares? But let’s just say that you’ve been in a relationship for a few years. Love has been professed. You are talking about chilluns, and houses, and how much of each paycheck will go into a savings account. Then, through the magic of Facebook man’s first lady love hits him up and from his heart flows all those old feelings. Because time has changed and matured them there might be a future for them now. He’s chatting with her from gmail at work and they are meeting for tea and crumpets every Tuesday. I believe at this point a man is conflicted. He of course is happy first lady love is back in his life, but also knows you are looking at houses in the best school districts…and because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings he doesn’t tell you right way that something has shifted and change is eminent.

This men, is Nucking Futs! No matter what, the fact that you want to be with first lady love is going to upset this woman. She will be hurt, angry and will probably hate you-either forever or for a period of time. She might cause a scene if you tell her in a public place…but who cares. That is far better than her continuing to think life is golden while you are making plans with first lady love. That’s life men folk, people get hurt no matter how well we try to protect them or spare feelings.

Honesty is the best way to protect those we care for and the sooner the better. Women folk can handle it! Believe me. Spare the drama and just tell us the truth.

See You In Seven

* I know they are New Orleans Hornets that’s why Charlotte is mad. Get it? Got it? Good.

Foot-N-Mouth Disease

I am one of the millions of people who suffer from Foot-N-Mouth disease, an illness that seems to afflict women more often than men. I first realized I had this problem while hanging out at Rum Punch’s church when we were in high school. A fellow male church member, who I felt was quite easy on the eyes, came over to talk to her about church bizzness. When he left I told Rum P. that I thought he was very attractive, but how difficult his life was going to be because he was soooo short. And no, I did not whisper…that would have been too much like right. So when Rum P. told me that this short sexy fella’s mother was sitting right next to us, I really couldn’t apologize for telling the truth. There was nothing else I could do aside from open my mouth and insert my foot.

Now over the years I think I have learned to control my disease using tact and politeness, at least I hope I have. To have my mom tell it, I have always been very opinionated. But I like to think that when I am dispensing my views to others I think they know I ain’t trying to be mean, just trying to be helpful not hurtful. And usually I prescribe my opinion pills will a spoonful of sugar (usually a smile or a back pat) to help them go down a little bit easier.

But on Sunday I had another flare up of my disease. My new, wise and older male friend has repeatedly expressed dissatisfaction with his job and life after comparing himself with other folks. It is his belief that he should be further along in life. Well ya’ll know how it is when someone you care about keeps talking about the same thing over and over and over again. I mean you care, but you also just want to tell them to poop or just get off the pot already! And since I am not a therapist, but tend to play one in my real life…I gave him a few suggestions on how he could be a better man. Yeah I know. Aside from giving him inspirational stories from the history of Black folks in America a la from slaves to CEOs, I gave my own tale of how I made it…and then I say things like: “Why don’t you…” “You need to…” “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting something different…” I wasn’t trying to emasculate…but he thought I was wielding a knife in my hand.

And while numerous times he said I was right, I don’t think he was ready to hear what I had to say…especially coming from me, a younger woman he is attracted to, and as a person who hasn’t know him from way back when. I don’t even know the things he’s had to endure or is enduring on a daily basis. And while I was coming from a helpful place, he could have seen me as being mean and critical.

But it wasn’t until my phone call rang twice and went straight to voicemail that I thought that maybe, just possibly my foot had snuck back into my mouth again. And as I wrote my apology text message, that progressively grew into a full fledge email, I realized that I wasn’t sorry for what I said…but moreso if he was hurt by what I said. I guess I’ll know for sure if or when he accepts my apology. So until then, Dr. Amaretto is out of business until her foot can be surgically removed from her mouth…

See You In Seven

The Stuff Movies are Made Of

Okay, so on Saturday three of my gal pals and I saw He’s Just Not That Into You. Um wow, can I just say if it weren’t for the fact that we were four black women who enjoy talking during a movie…you know adding our on commentary and whatnot…that movie would have totally sucked! Well not totally, it was long, and it was about four white women and their adventures in dating and loving-including a chick who put herself out there waaaaaaaaaaay too much for dudes. Another chick who was living her love life online. And yet another chick who’s been living with her boyfriend for 7 years because he doesn’t believe in marriage. Saaaaaaaay what? Doesn’t believe in marriage? So despite those crazy scenarios that I’m sure women of all races and creeds can find themselves in… the scene that brought it home for me was the opening scene. Picture this, a little girl playing in the sand, spies the boy she likes walking towards her, he pushes her down (a la Chris Brown style), calls her outside her name (a la any hip hop song de jour), and walks off. Little girl left in tears runs and tells her momma all that occurs and then her momma attempts to comfort by explaining this boy’s behavior. Her momma says: Do you know why he did that? It’s because he likes you. And that ladies and few gentlemen who read the 5 spot is the problem with women folks! Chicks giving other chicks advice on how men think. Um, would you ask a thousandaire how to be a billionaire? Uh no, because it’s stupid! But that’s what women do.

Come go with me back to the tenth grade. I had the biggest, nastiest, most unholy crush on a Mister S. Smith. S-dot was in 11th grade and because I am a genius we were in the same chemistry class. Man, just thinking about S-dot today takes me back to a place when I was so young and so foolish and soooooooo in high school. Anytime I would see S-dot I would smile…not that coy crap-we are talking full out Kool-aid grin! This was also when I learned of my vast stalker potential (a potential most chicks are born with). Like hanging out in the lobby of the building that he lived in…just in case I would see him. Learning his class schedule so I could adjust my walk to classes accordingly. Just making sure that he saw me, without it being obvious that I had made it so we would run into each other. Coming to his basketball games wearing a “I love S-dot” tee shirt. I mean I course I didn’t wear the T-shirt but I was at his games, watching him run up and down that court. Oh Yes! S-dot had some nice arms and calves. Dizzaum!

Okay, I’m sorry I’m back. But the moral of the story is that I started liking S-dot because he would make fun of me. That’s right…he made jokes about me and in my chick mind that meant he wanted to be my boo. He came up with this song implying that I gave blow jobs for 50 cents during my lunch break. I mean this dude totally objectified me. And I spent countless hours with my best friend trying to figure out why? Did he call me a ho because he liked me? Did he call my house and play on my phone because he wanted to take me to homecoming? Did he torment me because he thought I was all that and a bag of chips…even though some other chick was his girlfriend? Ugh! The craziness that women folk entertain in their minds!

Best friend and I concluded that he did in fact like me, I mean why else would he torment me so? But the problem with the S-dot situation and even the with little girl playing in the sandbox was that our collective women folk minds refused to accept the fact that maybe they are just jerks for asshole sake. Because it’s clear that if a man is into you he’s going to make it happen, and he’s going to do it in a way that doesn’t leave you to ponder your self worth. It’s not going to take a team of Mensa members to figure it out. If a man wants a woman, even if he’s the most shy of them all, he’s going to make it clear. I have realized with older age and being pursued by decent men; that they have no problem expressing themselves. It’s just that women folks have a problem waiting and truly listening to what they are saying. We are quick to make excuses for our fellas whilst we wait for that date or that ring. I mean even the Bible states that a man who finds a wife, finds a good thing, not the other way around. I mean chicks shouldn’t be doing this. Why? Because we have an uncanny way of a turning no good, rotten, asshole mofo man into our freaking Prince Charming.

Oh how many heart aches could have been avoided, and strategizing conversations not have been exhausted if only we women folk had realized sooner that the little boy in the sandbox or our S-dot was no good for us?

See You In Seven

Is You Is, Or Is You Ain't My Baby?

Nestled in between Gossip Girl and any paternity episode of Maury lies my guilty pleasure show-CHEATERS. I love this show! And admitting it makes me feel like I kind of suck as a person… but I can’t deny that there is something fascinating when watching a person who suspects their significant other is stepping out on them, and them enlisting the help of Cheaters’ detectives to procure evidence. And for rating’s sake the host shows the jilted lover video of their love one in the arms of another over and over and over, with added commentary like “This was the day they told you they couldn’t meet because they were taking granny to the doctor!” This of course leads to bestest part of the show…the confrontation! The cheater never sees it coming, but when the cameras show up with the person that they were suppose to remain faithful to the censors go to work…You ain’t *beep* you limp *beep* *beep* *beeeeeeeeeep*! It, in a word is, awesome.

But more often than not Cheaters is a show for women. Most female folk today are carrying around the notion that even a good man can have some no good in him, which is a fallacy until it’s true. But there are times when there are men on Cheaters suspecting that their lady is messing around, which makes the show a bit more interesting. And I say this because while I am aware that women are also human, and can therefore cheat, society has taught me that its not as common and that boys will be boys. And so seeing a man cry because his heart is broken still has a train wreck affect on me...I must look, I must watch!

So in sharing my love for the show Cheaters with my Y-chromosome friend, he gave me some perspective on cheating between the sexes-his view from there, if you will. He had recently participated in a pow-wow session with some of his boys, probably after a football game, and these men got to talking about how when a woman cheats it’s often worse than when a man cheats. No one denied that cheating was generally horrible in a committed relationship, but while men often cheat because they see something loverly before them…women cheat because they are emotionally tied to their new lover, so while the man’s moment was fleeting a woman remains emotionally connected.

Hmmmmm. Interesting eh?

I thought so, because I could see his point. Of course there are exceptions to every rule-I know there are some bold and brazen, Samantha Jones type women out there who can view sex as just a biological fluid exchange. But for the most part women emote and are looking for a connection before they grant a man entry. And because of this fact, my friend stated that it’s usually something that their man is or isn’t doing that allows for another man to enter her heart with compliments, candy and conversation. And it’s the conversation that causes the heart to flutter and the feelings to grow intense, to the point that a cheating woman can find herself bound within a relationship, while a cheating man-after two pumps and a squirt-can keep it moving.

I think we can all agree that relationships with folks can be difficult and trying, but is it worse when a woman strays away from home? Even if she’s driven to do so by her man, because she often assumes the role of a nurturer in a relationship does her infidelity have a greater detriment to all involved? And in a world of imbalance and double standards, its it wrong to say that the same wrong committed by two sexes is somehow different?

Why aren't there any songs about men busting windows out of cars?


See You In Seven

Just Friends...and Not Lovers?

A girl I know recently planned a weekend solo trip to Vegas in December. And while most of us single gals are willing to take on the world alone, we still ask a friend to tag along just in case. So this girl, let’s just call her Natalie asked the male friend she’s known since they were making mud pies in the sandbox to come along for a weekend of debauchery and Cirque de Soleil, to which he was more than willing to agree to. So I said to Natalie that this was beginning to sound like a storyboard for a “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” commercial-two longtime friends alone in Sin city! Blowing on each other’s dice! To which Natalie scoffed because for as long as I’ve known her she’s sworn that she and her friend are strictly friends and never once has she had the thought of taking it to the next level. And the thought quite honestly makes her sick to her stomach. So me being the fun person that I am, inquired that what if he’s been secretly in love with her all these years, and has been waiting in the wings for the chance to cross the line… I think Natalie was queasy at this point as she went on to say that she could never imagine herself walking down the aisle to her friend…but no one is talking about marriage, just fcuking a friend who has known you since you were brace faced and acne riddled.

You see folks, I find it very hard to believe that males and females can just be friends; so Natalie-n-friend just doesn’t make any sense to me. I guess because, for me myself personally I don’t have any male friends who have just been my friend. Not saying that every male I know wants to do me…but of the males who I have spent time with, let them get to see Amaretto with all the rights and privileges that that entails…there was always that one moment or one conversation when nerve was mustered and a proposition was made. Please don’t get me wrong, I have male friends now that I can hang out with and shoot the breeze with…but our relationship was formed after my shock wore off and I was like “Dude? Really? We’re just friends.” And into the friend zone we go…

And I’d totally be playing myself if I didn’t admit that there are several of these same fellas that I decide to spend my time with that I have thought about in more than the platonic way. Doesn’t the old adage state the friends make the best lovers? So who better to fantasize about than the guy who can make you laugh, helped you bury your skeletons, knows you are crazy and still sticks around? And so knowing of my own secretly lustful thoughts about some of the fellas I know, Natalie claiming that thinking of her friend in that way makes her sick is a fact that’s hard for me to believe, let alone buy.

I think I need to give Natalie a copy of When Harry Met Sally. Can men and women just be friends? It seems to be the question we all ask ourselves after we ponder why we are here on Earth. I think that there was always a moment when one person in a multi-gender friendship felt that Platonic was a four letter word that block them from possibly the best relationship they could have ever had.

I am of the thinking that everyone has thought about poking or being poked by their buddy of the opposite sex at least once…right?


See You In Seven

A Rite of Passage

This weekend I realized that my little 15 year old cousin has become a woman. Not in the had a period, can get pregnant from sex kind of way; but in exhibiting Typical Grown Woman Craziness Behavior because of the foolishness of a male type of way.

We were at our grandma’s house this weekend and I heard her on the phone asking her friend “Did you read it yet? What did you think?” Of course my curiosity was piqued, and so I asked her what was going on in her world. She explained that once again she and her boyfriend had broken up but this time she decided to write him a letter.

Oh lawd! Why oh why women do we get to scribing our feelings on paper? Especially in an age of textassness, email, and the KISS method. But from Aalyiah’s 4 page letter to the 18 page letter Rachel wrote to Ross (front and back), it seems that us women folk have a lot to say…and maybe its because we don’t feel our male counterparts hear us when we talk and so we hope against all hope that if we say it in writing they’ll get it.

Well, when sharing my letter writing philosophy with a male friend he essentially crapped all of my theory and told me that even in writing he gleans everything he needs from what is said in the first paragraph, so why bother reading the rest? Say what now? The first paragraph?! In my letters I haven’t even made my point yet in the first paragraph. Shooooot, I’m still talking about feelings and I haven’t let my inner lawyer come to the forefront to state my case. In the first paragraph I haven’t yet explained why I feel this way or that, or how I wish I knew your feelings, want you to share your feelings, stop talking to your momma so much, tell your boys you’ll get at them the next time, tell me I’m beautiful every morning, and…well ya’ll get the drift.

So I realized that my cousin had become grown when, in telling me about her letter she told me that she didn’t get all crazy with him. Had her best friend read it first to give her stamp of approval. But most importantly she had evidence to back up everything she was saying. That’s right EVIDENCE! When we women folk get pen to hand (or sit in front of computer), suddenly we remember Every.Single.Detail. of every single thing that’s happened since 1999. It’s something about letter writing in which we become determined to make the males in our lives Get It. Get why we are hurt, or disappointed, or angry. And get it to the point that they start caring enough to feel bad, or if they already feel bad to tell us.

But really, that’s a crazy expectation. Because what sane person really wants to have a conversation with a person who has thrown everything they’ve ever done wrong in life back in their face. Yet that’s what most women folk want. We want to talk it out, have a conversation and maybe an admission of something…like guilt. But it’s easier to just live with guilt, ignore and avoid…in hopes that thing will blow over eventually, than to deal with stuff head on.

So when I asked little cuz the other day if ole boy responded to her, she said no. And she doesn’t even care anymore. And well, I can't say I was surprised by any of it. All I could think was that my cousin was now aware of something that she wasn't before.

Welcome to womanhood!

See You In Seven