The Boy Is Yours

When all the John Edwards baby mama ish hit the fan I actually read Ms. Hunter’s interview in GQ magazine. Even though Dark and Stormy was on some, “girl you crazy, I ain’t readin’ that trash.” But uh yeah it was a slow news day. Or I had work to do and didn’t feel like it. Can’t really remember.

But I do remember deciding to see what this heffa had to say. And in between her ‘being is free’ business cards and her boundless love for Johnny, she basically had a laissez faire, devil may care, I don’t owe Lizzy nuffin type attitude. You see she was just doing her own thang. And Johnny, even though he was married, chose to step to her. And she received him. Cause she is free. And is just passing through this thing called life, like a star or a comet. Ya dig? But under the surface, beyond the craziness, when you got past all the hippy dippy B.S., peeled back the layers and tried to find a reason for their “affair.” What she was basically saying, (to use one of Mint Julep’s favorite quotes) was don't be surprised that it went down like this cause…

“Nyggas ain’t shyt, but hoes and tricks.”

And I agree. Now that’s not fair Rum Punch, all nyggas ain’t shyt, but...OK. That’s true. So, to quote another wordsmith, I’ll say, the world is filled with pimps and hoes, we’ll just talk about those I know. And so as a single woman I have dated men who have left and chose another. They got into deep, deeeep relationships almost immediately. Found the one and got engaged. Almost immediately. And that’s cool. Ain't no thang. This is of course after the tears and the curse words. Then it's all do you man. Until….

Until they came back like what you doin? How you been? What’s up with you? Maybe we should… And you be like oh you single now? Nope. Not at all. Not even a little bit. Still with that other chick. Oh. Oh? Ohhhhhhh.

Admittedly I can be a tad naïve or eyes wide shut when I get a, ‘wanna go to dinner’ text (as I did this past weekend) from a former beau. And I have asked aloud, “why does he want to meet with me?” And I have gotten the virtual and physical O_o from Minty, my brother, and other comrades. But you see for me – because I have moved on I assume they have as well.

And so there were times in the past when I have accepted the invitation. Only to feel a foot against my leg or a well misplaced hand on my back. And it feels good. For a minute. Like a literal ego stroke. And it’s like YESSS!!! Vengeance is mine, chick! (Yeah you just forget that you totally moved on) You start dancing on the inside, talmbout if that’s your boyfriend, if that’s your boyfriend, if that’s your boyfriend, he wasn’t last night. In yo' face bi-ya! In yo' face!!! Cabbage patch. Running man. Roger Rabbit. And do the snake - you lose, I win, you lose! These are the things that have gone through my mind.

But then you know I come to my senses. I refuse the advances. But I also wonder about the other woman who is in actuality his woman. His ride or die. Who thinks he's the best, the minfin best. Who she just knows can't do no wrong. Whom she trusts. Lots. And I know she don’t know about this. She don’t know about me. And that makes me sad. Lose hope. In these nigs. In all of humanity. Heh.

Ms. Hunter, Alicia Keys, Gabby Union, all the other no name, mistresses/side pieces/jump offs often get blamed, get good tongue lashings on the blogs, in the media, and are continually chastised for “taking” someone else’s man/husband. The other woman's retort comes right on cue – I didn’t take him. He came willingly. Yada.

Having been placed in potential compromising situations – I understand where these chicks are coming from. Sure I never made him come to me. Sure he chose to be an a*hole in the dark and live an 'I'm getting fitted for my angel wings' life in the light. But I don’t have to go to dinner. I can plainly ask, “does your fiancé know you want to come over to my house?” Does your girlfriend know you picking me up in her car? And decline invitations when it seems, that something in that milk ain't clean.

Cause as I get older (even though I do get so lonely), I choose to do right, regardless of if they want to do wrong. And it's not always for altruistic reasons. Or cause I feel sorry for the other woman. And think that we are bonded by sisterhood. Or cause my moral compass is always pointing North. Or cause I believe karma is a bi-ya. It's mainly because I've done the math, the cost analysis as it were, and decided these nyggas' tricks, their shyt, just aint worth it.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

Taking it even farther back cause it's Friday and I'm iganant like that! He's mine you may'a had him once, but I got him all the time. You can't sleep at night. BWAAAHH!

she and your man pt 2 (or link of the week)

so a few weeks ago, i wrote about cheating with married men. and double standards. and alicia keys.

i wondered where was the outrage for ms. keys for her goings on wit swizz beats. and wouldn't you know it a few days later, mashonda came wit the "truth." like mmmmmmhmmmm, told i knew there was more to this story!

but before i could write a brilliant post about it, the champ over at verysmartbrothas.com beat me to the punch. i must admit he did a much better job than i would have and managed to incorporate the title of one of the greatest romantic comedies ever made.

r&b antistar mashonda put alicia keys on twast (twitter blast) for pursuing a relationship with mashonda’s husband, swizz beatz.

inspired by a note on keys’ twitter account asking “in love, is it better to go for the choice that is smart or the choice that has spark?”, mashonda fired back, accusing the poor man’s beyonce of (paraphrasing) “extreme and blatant selfishiness for openly pursuing a man that’s married with children”. she also implied that keys’ music makes her a hypocrite and a fraud, since theres nothing empowering or pro-woman about boning another woman’s husband.

source: vsb.com

basically mashonda told alicia bout her self in the sweetest sugar honey iced tea way. but also acknowledged that every adult in the triangle had a role to play. including alicia keys. i don't know her personally but from my point of view, the outsider of the marriage needs to fall back. way back. no matter how strong the attraction. how unlike anything you've ever felt before it feels. if it's meant to be then taking a moment to breath and let the married party get their ducks and divorces in a row won't make it not so. it might just take a little longer.

an anonymous commenter to my last post said it best:

Preoccupation with society's inequitable treatment of adulterers (who said that?) is really beside the point and probably not worth trying to comprehend when establishing your own standards and conduct. Legal separation, to me, is not merely administrative. Rather, it is a transient and very personal stage of a couple's relationship - much like engagement - during which I would not recommend the intentional introduction of a third party. A commitment as significant as marriage is worth an exercise in patience and self-control for all currently and prospectively involved.

listen up alicia. and now, according to missjia.com, alicia has the nerve to launch a new blog to "uplift women and increase positivity" titled IAmSuperwoman.com. *blank stare*

i'm gon go a head and tell ya'll i was never feelin' alicia keys anyway. i'm a bit of a hater.
but what say ya'll?

she and your man

they say men cheat because there are always women out there who will cheat with them. of course we know and understand that men also cheat because they can, because they think they won't get caught or just because it's Friday night. but the other woman remains a necessary and indispensable component of any man's cheating endeavors.

the other woman leaves a bad taste in every one's mouth. when there are women who are willing and able to cross that line, there is little that can be added to the picture to make it better in our minds. they separated; they don't sleep together no more; she don't give him none; he filed for divorce; he just there for the kids; they aint lived together for years; and on and on. at the end of the day it always returns to the same sentiment: don't fuck wit other people shit.

on the other side of this thang, i know what it's like to meet someone who you really click with, who are attracted to, got that fiyah for and discover that he is married (or separated). some women know this information upfront. but still want to (and do) proceed to gettin it in. women complicate things when they begin to think "what if this is the man of my dreams?" unfortunately boo boo, right now he's still the man of someone else's dreams or at least he used to be.

most women feel some kinda way about the other woman. you will get that deadly side eye if you tell your best homegirl that your boo's divorce will be final any day now. you might get ex-communicated from the family if they know you f'in wit another woman's husband. it just aint right. ever. ever?

why does it become right when the man got a lil' change in his pocket?

photo courtesy of essence.com

essence magazine, the black woman's affirmation to all that is right and good in our world, features a reputed husband stealer on this month's cover. in the article, she goes hard against the "hateful" bloggers who paint her as the other woman and even filed a lawsuit against a woman who wrote an anonymous letter to several bloggers putting gabby on blast for messing with her husband. gabby claimed that the woman's claims were downright lies but at the article's end admits that she's off to miami to see her still married boo.

why is it less blast worthy when it's alicia keys?

photo courtesy of theybf.com

she took swizz beats right from under mishonda's nose. and denied it still to this day. claiming that she was dating her manager instead. yet alicia doesn't recieve the full brunt of the celebrity bloggers wrath the way that gabrielle does. what's up wit that?

if alicia and gabby were regular "other" women sneaking around with the average married black man, wifey and her homegirls would be rolling up to their doors to give them a few choice words (slaps and slashes too!) but these women are lauded as our sheroes. is the message that these women and men are different because they are rich? or that it's okay because the men are separated from their wives? is it ever okay to date a married/separated man? or should one wait until the ink dries on the divorce decree?

what say ya'll?

let this be a lesson

we all knew it was coming but when the official word came from the NPD, it was still a shock.

murder-suicide.

from cnn.com -- "The girlfriend of former NFL star Steve McNair first shot him in his right temple, then fired three more shots at close range, most likely as he slept, police said Wednesday. She then sat on the couch next to his body, and killed herself so that she would fall into his lap, they said."

mississippi gotdamn! chick was not playin. you have to be pretty touched in the head to shoot a man while he's sleepin'. then shoot him again in the head. then two times in the chest. and then kill yo damn self!

the whole situation is sad and i feel most for his wife and sons who will now live with the last memory of their husband and father as a cheater. but because of the way he went out they can direct all of their anger at the mistress and not at him. despite all the dippin' and divin' mcnair was doin in the last few months of his life, he didn't deserve to die that way. no one does. how was he supposed to know that when he made a 19 year old dave & buster's waitress his jumpoff she'd flip SO HARD.

granted i guess that's the risk you take when you step outside your marriage but if i remember one thing from torts class, the risk that you would be killed by your side piece while you slept was totally unforeseeable and way beyond the realm of possible outcomes that could have been planned for. one of the "bright spots," if their can be any gleaned from mcnair's death, is that for years to come, his fateful demise will be the exclamation point on many an admonition against infidelity. as married men (or women) gather round the bar on a friday night for an innocent drink before heading home and consider making a pass at some pretty young thing across the room, the wise one among them will lean in close and say, "slow yo roll playa, don't get kazemied!" and maybe each one of them will think twice before they step outside the lines.

what say you?

when flirting with white boys goes horribly wrong

way back in the day when the 5 spot was a wee lil blog, i pondered love across the color line. and after all the laughs and the backlash, i started thinking why not keep my eye out for a white guy who i could even think about entertaining the possibility of actually flirting with in hopes that we might go out on a date. baby steps, my friends, baby steps

so while i didn't start hanging out at any frat parties or sign up for web based love connections, i did become less discriminating, departing from my personal brown paper bag test. i eased into it with a few light skinneded brothas. but as with all new things, there have been a few bumps in the road.

*enter wildly amusing story about my weekend shenanigans*

on saturday night i was out and about with some friends playin my role as the token black girl. if i'm painting a picture of the bar scene, it'd be something like where's waldo with me as waldo and everyone else as white folks. but no biggie, i was "trying different things...sipping whiskey out the bottle not thinkin' bout tomorrow, singin' sweet home alabama all night long."

while giggling and laughing with the girls, we are approached by a group of guys who strike up a convo. and one of them seemed to be particularly interested in ms. julep. since i'm generally clueless whenever ANY man approaches me, it wasn't till he started leanin in and touchin a sista's arm that the needle slid off the record player in my mind....scrreeeeeech.

lookie here. white boy got the feva! i started really listening to what he was saying and took a better look at him. he had all my white boy requirements:

pure-d white boy- check
smelled good- check
smooth chest (discovered in our convo on how he was stabbed in the back by a rouge mexican) - check
owned a successful business - check
really wanted a piece of chocolate covered mint julep - check
pretty close to brody-grade looks - check

thinking back i don't even remember his name. but we talked for a good lil while and i ended the evening my giving him my business card. i left feeling proud of myself for doing my part to heal the racial wounds of yesteryear.

fast forward to monday morning when i find the following gem of an email in my inbox:

Hello. I'm really sorry to email you. I didn't want to call. I've never had to do this before and I will keep this short but please be honest with me.

I found your business card in my fiance's pants yesterday doing laundry. He told me he was in Cleveland for the weekend but I see your from [city nowhere near Cleveland].
So could you tell me where you met him?, was he in [city nowhere near Cleveland]?

and did anything happen or did you guys have sex?

Sorry to ask, I just need to know.

Thanks so much.
[name changed to protect crazy stalker fiance]

*blank stare*

damn crazy stalker fiance damn

*blank stare*

what to do, what to do? something in her desperate semi-pathetic email tugged at my sisterly heartstrings. crazy stalker fiance definitely needs a dose of reality. clearly mr. man has stepped out on her before if the first thing her mind goes to when she finds my business card in his pocket is sex. twasn't like i wrote "thanks for the nice ride cowboy" on the back. not to mention that mr. man wasnt' no where near cleveland this weekend. and i don't buy for one minute that you've never had to do this before crazy stalker fiance. but the lies that you tell yourself are your business.

i ended up sending her a short and sweet "aint-shit-happen-but-you-need-to-check-your-lying-ass-not-in-cleveland-man" email. i did my duty without sliding too deep into their jacked-up sitchy-achun (c) mrs. meany. and crazy stalker fiance was "grateful".

Thanks you so much. I feel better. I figured it was innocent but I've had problems with him before and didn't feel good about it. Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it!!

[crazy stalker fiance]

i had a good laugh about the whole thing but it kinda made me sad. men "aint shit but hoes and tricks." ok not REALLY but really! spending the weekend in a whole nother city than what you told your fiance is foul.

and women are crazy as hell. ok not REALLY but really! who sends an email confronting another woman over a business card. not used condoms or steamy text messages. but a business card. crazy doesn't even describe it.

what say you?

Is You Is, Or Is You Ain't My Baby?

Nestled in between Gossip Girl and any paternity episode of Maury lies my guilty pleasure show-CHEATERS. I love this show! And admitting it makes me feel like I kind of suck as a person… but I can’t deny that there is something fascinating when watching a person who suspects their significant other is stepping out on them, and them enlisting the help of Cheaters’ detectives to procure evidence. And for rating’s sake the host shows the jilted lover video of their love one in the arms of another over and over and over, with added commentary like “This was the day they told you they couldn’t meet because they were taking granny to the doctor!” This of course leads to bestest part of the show…the confrontation! The cheater never sees it coming, but when the cameras show up with the person that they were suppose to remain faithful to the censors go to work…You ain’t *beep* you limp *beep* *beep* *beeeeeeeeeep*! It, in a word is, awesome.

But more often than not Cheaters is a show for women. Most female folk today are carrying around the notion that even a good man can have some no good in him, which is a fallacy until it’s true. But there are times when there are men on Cheaters suspecting that their lady is messing around, which makes the show a bit more interesting. And I say this because while I am aware that women are also human, and can therefore cheat, society has taught me that its not as common and that boys will be boys. And so seeing a man cry because his heart is broken still has a train wreck affect on me...I must look, I must watch!

So in sharing my love for the show Cheaters with my Y-chromosome friend, he gave me some perspective on cheating between the sexes-his view from there, if you will. He had recently participated in a pow-wow session with some of his boys, probably after a football game, and these men got to talking about how when a woman cheats it’s often worse than when a man cheats. No one denied that cheating was generally horrible in a committed relationship, but while men often cheat because they see something loverly before them…women cheat because they are emotionally tied to their new lover, so while the man’s moment was fleeting a woman remains emotionally connected.

Hmmmmm. Interesting eh?

I thought so, because I could see his point. Of course there are exceptions to every rule-I know there are some bold and brazen, Samantha Jones type women out there who can view sex as just a biological fluid exchange. But for the most part women emote and are looking for a connection before they grant a man entry. And because of this fact, my friend stated that it’s usually something that their man is or isn’t doing that allows for another man to enter her heart with compliments, candy and conversation. And it’s the conversation that causes the heart to flutter and the feelings to grow intense, to the point that a cheating woman can find herself bound within a relationship, while a cheating man-after two pumps and a squirt-can keep it moving.

I think we can all agree that relationships with folks can be difficult and trying, but is it worse when a woman strays away from home? Even if she’s driven to do so by her man, because she often assumes the role of a nurturer in a relationship does her infidelity have a greater detriment to all involved? And in a world of imbalance and double standards, its it wrong to say that the same wrong committed by two sexes is somehow different?

Why aren't there any songs about men busting windows out of cars?


See You In Seven

Okay Girlfriend...

You are daydreaming about the latest and greatest man in your life. This dude has a great personality, can make you laugh until your stomach aches, loves his momma, listens and actually hears what you have to say, and is a sexy motha--I'm shutting my mouth! Long walks have turned into movies and plays on Saturdays, cruising to the Roots and eating passion fruit...well ya'll know Jill's song. As you allow yourself to think about having a future together your cell phone rings and it's his name on display! You guys must be on some ESP, truly meant to be, soulmate type thing because you were just thinking about him! And so you answer with all the excitement that a coincidence like this incites: "Hey Boo! I was just thinking about you!" but then you hear someone, who ain't Boo, ask you "Who's this? And why are you in my man's phone?" Ummmm. Whatcha mean your man?"

And so begins the Woman to Woman conversation...

While she tells her tale of how they have been together for a minute, have plans to buy a house, have a baby on the way and just went halfsies on an ice cream sundae-you start to feel OH SO FOOLISH! She explains that she just was going through his phone, because she just had to see-and you get to thinking about all those restrictions on his time. You couldn't have dinner because he had to help his cousin Ray-Ray move. Ya'll couldn't go to New York for the weekend because he had to drop moms off at the airport on Friday and pick her up on Saturday. You couldn't share your own freakin' ice cream sundae because he was busy finding a cure for cancer. And how about all your calls between 8pm and midnight that went straight to voicemail, and when he finally did call you back didn't it sound like he was speaking in hushed tones...in the bathroom? Naaaaaaw, you told yourself-he's just sounds like that when he's tired. And as the girlfriend continues about the life they have built together anger is growing inside of you because this "man" had you in some compromising positions. Maybe one that required knee pads, others that you ain't never done for nobody else! And had you known...well, far too many females have been here.

For me, when I was younger and dumber, it was Chris's girlfriend of several years who heralded the story of them to me. So I told her everything! Who I was, how we met, and what we did, and clearly how he lied to us both. She said thanks. There were no death threats, hair pulling or plans to come up to my job so we could settle this in a good ole cat fight. I got lucky, no drama. He, on the other hand had the nerve to call me and ask me why I told her anything (insert your favorite series of expletives here). Excuuuuuuuuuse me? Is there some manual for when you find out that you're the side piece?! I've got one friend getting text messages from a wife on Sunday morning, to which my friend could only text "Sorry, I didn't know." And I've got another friend who opted not to tell the girlfriend the truth. And then foolishly invites the girlfriend to coffee and expressed her "sincere" desire that the two could become friends. Clearly when one realizes they're not supposed to exist responses will vary. And as for me, there were a few more chapters in the Chris and Amaretto book even after this point...but like I said I was dumb then.

As the conversation concludes the girlfriend and I both wonder what the hell just happened. She's been checking his phone, email, and waking up at ungodly hours to drive by his house just to see if some other chick has slept over. Girlfriend has been digging for weeks and has finally found me. She's been trying to save a relationship while losing her sanity. And after hearing all of this I'm feeling more sorry for her than for me.

Okay girlfriend...I feel you. I'm sorry he ain't no good!

But then I wonder why she didn't talk to him before calling me...

See You in Seven