keep it on the down low?

i've been having these debates about relationships that lead to the questions, the questions cause that's what it's all about. (plus i can't muster a "real" post to save my life.)  this week's question:

would you say something to your homegirl if the man she was dating seemed gay to you?

and now for the twists:

would it matter if he was flaming or just suspect?
would it matter if she introduced him to you before the first date or after she had made him her boo?
would it matter how close you were to her?
would it matter if you just suspected he was gay or would you have to have "proof" of his sexuality?

would you want our friends to tell you if they thought the man you were dating was gay?

question of the day: "dating" someone at "work"?

so a co-worker and i had a debate about whether you should "date" someone at your "work."  as a generic and abstract principle the overwhelming majority of people (myself included) would say no.  but there are exceptions to every unwritten rule and in this particular situation the terms "date" and "work" aren't quite so clear.

here's the deal:

i work in a legal office.  attorneys in my office are in court every day.  we interact with people at court like judges, district attorneys, sheriffs deputies, file clerks, court staff and random defendants.  some of these folks we see once and never again.  others we see on a daily basis and in my head i call the regulars the court characters (or "cc").  a co-worker, we'll call her newbie, was recently approached by one of the court character's and asked "to go out sometime."  this cc was very respectful in his approach.  newbie turned him down.politely but then came to my other co-worker, ms. goody, for advice about whether she should have accepted the cc's date offer.

ms. goody told newbie she did the right thing.  Her reasons were two-fold: that newbie shouldn't date someone she works with and that if she said yes to this cc, all the other cc's would try to holla at newbie on the regular.

when ms. goody told me about what happened, i told her i saw the situation differently.  first off, we don't really work with the cc's.  although we see the cc's on regularly, to date one of them is a little different than dating someone who works in-house at our organization.  second, i said that going out with someone one time isn't necessarily dating and if them other cc's try to step to her she can say no just like she did before she went out with this one cc.

then i went in with the "we are single black women in our mid to late 20's" argument.  i told ms. goody that this particular cc was kinda hot and was very respectful and professional.  plus we go from home to work and back again so where else is newbie, or either one of us, going to meet eligible men if not on the job?

then i circled back to newbie and told her that she should accept the cc's offer if she was actually interested in him.  i suggested that once they had a date she could discuss with him the need to be professional and discrete while on the job, reasonable requests that most grown folks can get with.

was i right or was i right?

what say ya'll?  what advice would you give newbie?

running cross my mind

it's that time of night.  when the sun has gone home to rest. the moon has come out to play.  you've been working all day.  perhaps out for a night with the girls.  but now you're inside.  home.  alone.  stripped down to your t-shirt and your panties.  crawled into bed.  pulled the covers way up over your head.  and waited for sleep to come. over take your body.  quiet your  thoughts.

of him.

you place the phone on the nightstand.  slide it as far away from your itching fingers as it will possibly go.  you could just turn it off.  or put it in the front room.  but what if someone tries to reach you?  what if someone dies in the middle of the night?  or has the irrepressible urge to hear your voice at 3 am?

like you long to hear his.

that's when the feeling comes on the strongest.

to grab it back.  scroll through the phone book.  select his name and start typing.

hey. how u? what ya doin?
i miss you.
u up?

and then you stare at the screen.  the words.  going over in your mind all the reasons why this is such a bad idea.  or all the ways that this might be just the thing to open up the lines of communication.

but "you know if you pick up that phone, write that letter, send that two way, you gon say some things" that you might regret.  and he might say somethings.  do somethings. plan somethings that you don't really really want to happen.  aren't trying to do.  but something is better than nothing right?  you just want to hear from him. talk to him.  see him. 

or he might not respond at all.  and then you're worse off than you were before you caved to your weaker inner woman.

cause you had said you wasn't gonna text/call/blackberry messenger/gchat/facebook his ass no mo.  and you meant that.  you promised yourself, your 3 best girfriends and baby Jesus himself that you were done.  that it wasn't worth it.  that it wasn't goin nowhere.  that it had been over for weeks, months, years. that you wasn't really feelin him like that to begin with.  so why pass the time or fill the space with something less than? 

and you can't go back on your word.

even if it's that time of the night.  and you're lonely.  and you want to so so badly.  and you could blame it on the alcohol and the hour.

but you can't
you won't
you don't

cause that would be too desparate.  a lil thirsty.  bold and brazen.  un-lady like.  out of order.  and against everything you promised yourself you wouldn't do.

so you reach out, place the phone back on the nightstand. breathe deeply.  close your eyes.  and let common sense quiet that voice inside your head.  let sleep overrule that part of you that wants to give in.

stay strong.  until tomorrow night.

keeping legs closed

i've always like teyanna taylor.  for no real definable reason other than she's cutie patootie.  and she does her own thang. and did you see her on mtv's super sweet 16 in 2007?  the life style doll!  say word! and while get my daily dose of celebrity gossip this morning i ran across this over at theybf.com that made me like her even more.  i really like teyanna taylor.   and then this made me like her even more.

Q: Wait Wait Wait…your still a virgin?? I’m really happy to hear that.

A: Yes. The one thing people can never say is that I’m a hoe. I have a purity ring. The only time you get in trouble is if you attempt to do something. If your laying up on a boy then something is going to happen. So I just keep my legs closed until I am ready for that. I can’t have a boyfriend because the only thing they want to do is have sex. I don’t want no fingers up there, no penis, nothing!!! Uh uh (shaking her head no).

Q: You know many young girls think that virginity is lame and promiscuity is cool. They succumb to peer pressure and then find themselves in grown folks situations that they aren’t equipped to handle. So I’m pleasantly surprised to hear that you have your head on straight.

A: Egypt I even try to teach these girls. I hold bible study class at St. Lukes church in Harlem when I’m home. I actually teach the class because I want them to know its okay to praise God and keep your legs closed. I’m just trying to be a good example right now.

source: theybf.com and egypt.

during a recent sit down with egypt she talked about her virginity and how she's a motivation for young girls.  i think it's cool that she's not shy about her virginity and that she's a "cool" role model that other young girls can look up to. 

she also got me to thinking....if i could go back to when i was 18 (and still a virgin) would i do things differently?  would i have a purity ring? would i keep my legs closed?  cause you know they say once you dip your toe in the pool, it's all down hill from there.

what say ya'll?

she and your man

they say men cheat because there are always women out there who will cheat with them. of course we know and understand that men also cheat because they can, because they think they won't get caught or just because it's Friday night. but the other woman remains a necessary and indispensable component of any man's cheating endeavors.

the other woman leaves a bad taste in every one's mouth. when there are women who are willing and able to cross that line, there is little that can be added to the picture to make it better in our minds. they separated; they don't sleep together no more; she don't give him none; he filed for divorce; he just there for the kids; they aint lived together for years; and on and on. at the end of the day it always returns to the same sentiment: don't fuck wit other people shit.

on the other side of this thang, i know what it's like to meet someone who you really click with, who are attracted to, got that fiyah for and discover that he is married (or separated). some women know this information upfront. but still want to (and do) proceed to gettin it in. women complicate things when they begin to think "what if this is the man of my dreams?" unfortunately boo boo, right now he's still the man of someone else's dreams or at least he used to be.

most women feel some kinda way about the other woman. you will get that deadly side eye if you tell your best homegirl that your boo's divorce will be final any day now. you might get ex-communicated from the family if they know you f'in wit another woman's husband. it just aint right. ever. ever?

why does it become right when the man got a lil' change in his pocket?

photo courtesy of essence.com

essence magazine, the black woman's affirmation to all that is right and good in our world, features a reputed husband stealer on this month's cover. in the article, she goes hard against the "hateful" bloggers who paint her as the other woman and even filed a lawsuit against a woman who wrote an anonymous letter to several bloggers putting gabby on blast for messing with her husband. gabby claimed that the woman's claims were downright lies but at the article's end admits that she's off to miami to see her still married boo.

why is it less blast worthy when it's alicia keys?

photo courtesy of theybf.com

she took swizz beats right from under mishonda's nose. and denied it still to this day. claiming that she was dating her manager instead. yet alicia doesn't recieve the full brunt of the celebrity bloggers wrath the way that gabrielle does. what's up wit that?

if alicia and gabby were regular "other" women sneaking around with the average married black man, wifey and her homegirls would be rolling up to their doors to give them a few choice words (slaps and slashes too!) but these women are lauded as our sheroes. is the message that these women and men are different because they are rich? or that it's okay because the men are separated from their wives? is it ever okay to date a married/separated man? or should one wait until the ink dries on the divorce decree?

what say ya'll?

on submission

so recently i've become addicted to twitter. not sure how it happened although i think that rum punch's persistent nudging had something to do with it. now i've got something called twitterberry on my phone and i check that thang like every 5 minutes. one of my fav twitter's is @lilduval. dude is a true comedian. his tweets (i always chuckle at that word) have me literally laughing out loud while i'm sitting in the middle of a crowded courtroom waiting for my case to get called.

the other day he got on the subject of submission and amidst all the tweets for shits and giggles, he dropped some gems like:

people kill me talking bout i dont never wanna get married. thats a damn lie u just dont wanna marry who wanna marry u

yall better stop listening 2 neyo cuz we only want our sidechicks 2 "have her own" yo main yall have 2gether

and just cuz u got more than yo man doesnt mean u cant be submissive to him he is still the man.

every woman that thinks im trippin give yo self bout 2 more years of that single shit i bet u everything i just said pop back up in yo head.

this idea of submission is an interesting one. clearly lil duval has strong opinions about this submission thing. like many men he feels a woman should submit to a man and that a woman's ability to submit may depend on her material status and earning capacity vis a vis her man's. yet he doesn't really define what it means to submit although he implies it may have something to do with having "less than" the man or at least creating the appearance of "less than."

submission is something every woman thinks about at some point as she considers herself in a relationship with a man. this is especially true for black women and I say that only because I am a black woman and that's the only existence I know. cause ya'll know we black women are too independent, too bossy, make too much money and can't be bothered to listen to no man tell us what to do. or so i've been told.

but dear readers at the 5 spot, what do ya'll think. what does it mean for a woman to submit to her man/husband? should women be submitting to her man/husband?

what say ya'll?

young fun

as i get older, wiser and more beautiful, i find that my life is becoming kinda like the title of that pearl cleage joint, some things i never thought i'd do. you see until recently, i had always kicked it with dudes who were about my age, maybe a year younger or older but no more of an age difference than that.

until recently...

on the one hand older dudes who approach kinda gross me out. yes, i'm "twelve". but i couldn't imagine datin and/or gettin it in with a guy 10-20 years my senior. he prolly be on his first or second divorce with a few kids under his belt. tryin to act like my daddy and boss a sista around. i'll pass.

and on the other hand, since i'm only 28, the dudes 5-10 years my junior a) aren't even legal in most states or b) would be tryin to take me to a soulja boy concert. again, i'll pass.

until recently...

i never thought that i would be getting my pretty pink, baby blue on. at least not at the ripe old age of 28. maybe when i got to be 45 and the man who i thought was the love of my life left me for his skanky secretary. maybe then i'd be seducing the junior associate at my firm during late night work sessions. but i never thought that i'd have anything in common with someone just outta college. i never thought i'd be attracted to someone who was in the 8th grade when i was a senior in high school, as he likes to remind me. but i do and i am (even tho he's a red bone).

he's 23 and it's kinda undercover. yet it's sorta nice. very nice actually. so i've added him to my team. and we'll see what happens. let's just hope he doesn't catch rabies and i have to shot him wit my pistol in self defense.

i guess if i was doin the choosing, and since it's mint julep's world i am, i'd rather go young than old. ladies, what say you?

hook a sista up

In love and life, there are universal truths. Mantras. Standard operating procedures, if you will. Certain things that everybody just knows. Rules that aren't written down anywhere but that everybody is just expected to live by.


For women, it’s THE CODE.


Now depending on where you come from, THE CODE could involve any number of situations but generally when women speak of THE CODE they are referring to that unspoken universal truth that if your sistafriend has dated, slept with, liked, or potentially liked a guy...



he is OFF LIMITS to you!



As a general principle most women can get down with this but in practice the slope gets a little slippery. As with any law, it’s all in the application.



How long you known this sistafriend? Is she really yo sistafriend, homegirl, best buddy, acquaintance or your co-worker on your part-time night job who you sometimes go to chipotle with for burritos? Did you and ole' boy ever date? How long ago did you date said guy? How did it end? Did he ever get it in and if so how often and how good was the gettin it in? Are you still drunk off the D? Did you just stalk . . . errr like him from afar or did you let that brotha know you was feelin’ him? Was he feelin’ you and you just didn’t reciprocate (yet)? Most importantly, what does sistafriend know about any of this? Or is he FINE enough to let THE CODE slide just this once cause a man is a man is a man and every woman betta speak up or not get fed? The permutations are endless.



Perhaps a “hypothetical” is in order to illustrate the contours of THE CODE.



Say you meet a guy, we shall call him Bryan. Bryan is nice, friendly, intelligent, educated and willing to take you out and show you the city. On paper, Bryan is any SBW’s dream: no kids, owns his own home, stable job. So what's the problem right? Well, despite the fun ya'll have together, you don’t like him “like that.” Yeah, yeah I know beggars can't be choosers but you don't feel a strong attraction to him. And you prefer to keep the relationship strictly friendly, although you’re pretty sure that Bryan likes you.



You tell your friend Leslie about Bryan and how you like hanging with him but that you’re not feeling him beyond the friendship level although he stay trying to push up. You’ve known Leslie for several years and consider her to be one of your best friends. Leslie comes to visit you for some weekend debauchery and on Friday night you, Leslie, Bryan and some other irrelevant characters to this hypothetical hang out. During the night, you notice a little extra something between Bryan & Leslie but you chalk it up to harmless flirting, after all you yourself have been on the receiving end of Bryan’s advances. The next evening you end up on the town again, tearing it down with Bryan & Leslie plus the irrelevants. Once t'again your spidey sense alerts you to the vibe between Bryan & Leslie. By the night’s end, Bryan & Leslie ride off to kick it while you head back to the crib to crash in a drunken haze. By weekend's end, it's clear that Bryan & Leslie have just embarked on a "new relationship."



WWABWD?



What would the Average Black Woman Do? Stab a bitch in her baby toe for fucking with your possible, back pocket dude? Not give a fuck, cause Bryan wasn't that cute (to her) and she wasn't feelin him anyway? Silently sulk for 1.5 years until Bryan & Leslie announce they gettin' married and then blow them both away in a rage of unspoken envy? Or stand up at their wedding and give a toast reminiscing about how she brought the happy couple together...black love ya'll black love!



To some THE CODE, under art. 6.9, strictly prohibits Leslie's poach. To others, the advisory notes of the Committee on Black Womanhood to art. 6.9 allow Leslie's behavior as long as she runs it by her girl first. Under what circumstances is this situation kosher (if ever)? And must one check with her girl first before crossing that line?



You ask 10 different women and you might get 10 different answers or 8 servings of hell naw with 2 sides of gurl stop, I will cut a bitch if she even tries!



What say you?