Mother-Daughter, Daughter-Girlfriend

When there are two strong personalities in a room… it is really hard for them not to clash. Someone has to take a back seat. Ever since, I was a child my mother always made it known that she IS the Queen B so that was my cue to take the backseat. Well when tall glass C is in the room, little C takes a back seat.

On this recent visit, my mother comments that I don’t seem like I am happy to see her. I am sitting here thinking and “what would that look like?” Not to be facetious but serious, “what would that look like?” Before every visit, I make plans (that you are aware of) to do something… GREAT plans… Mother-daughter bonding, new experiences plans but they never come to fruition because you intercept my first attempt. And determined as I am to try again, you always seem to shut it down. Can’t you see I am just trying to avoid answering the same exact question when you leave “How come we don’t do those things when I come to visit?”

There is no room for me to be me. The room is only but so big.

My friends and I, act as equals… we consult. Some personalities might be larger than others but we never over power. I don’t know what to tell you mother, other than I treasure the times we have together the best that I can. I apologize if you don’t see the same smiles on my face in person that you see in photos but after twenty plus odd years of training me to be the way that I am in your presence, I am NOT sure I even know how to be different around you. This is the same smile you saw when I was 6, 12 and 18.

For those of you who don’t know, I have two personas… no Sasha and b, but C and daughter A. Neither one of them is fake or unreal but daughter A is who my mother knows, who tall C is used to. C is not one to be ashamed of but believe me tall C could never handle C. So when tall C goes off on a tangent talking adult type conversations, i.e. divorce, baby making, etc. daughter A lets her rant and says nothing. Why? Because daughter A hardly EVER agrees but is respectful enough to not voice it. Tall C seems to think that because I come from her, that to disagree is to be disrespectful and we should on the same level. You can’t look for me to be your girlfriend now mother that was never nurtured from the beginning.

Now do I try and explain this to Tall C? Hell to the NO! What would be the point, so I smile and I say, of course I had a good time and it was great to see you; which is true. I treasure this relationship for what it is… I don’t expect to be anything else than what it is. Embrace the good aspects that we do share, the grass always looks greener on the other side. It is okay to hear a little something new about me when you talk to others that interact with me in a different setting. I am sure I would hear the same of you.

Much luv until next week… peace :)

What do you say, Courvoisier? (Part 3)

Yo Courvoisier,

What would you call a ho?

Better yet would be considered ho-like activities?

Hmm... those are very good questions. Since I was little, my BFF and I have been trying to nail down one solid detailed definition that would last through out the years. One that we could apply to ourselves or any other female we see acting out of sorts. And let me start by saying that as the years went by our definitions got more and more specific, as we got other. Shall I elaborate?

Chilling in the garden and my dad says “Could you pass me the hoe, please?” That was the first time I heard the word hoe and for the longest time that is what I knew it to mean. It wasn’t until I had a little… ok, big crush on a man who calls himself Snoop Doggy Dog that I realized hoe is a little bit more than a garden tool. (chuckle) And that is when the quest to define for myself what a ho’ really is began. Because say what? I wasn’t trying to be nobody’s silly ho.

So check it, my friends and I weren’t sexually active at the time which meant to us any chick having sex was a ho’. Done deal, no questions asked, she is a ho’. This included, giving BJs and french kissing, etc, more than one dude within a 6 month period. It was going to be a year but you know… some so-called boyfriends didn’t make it through the summer. (chuckle) In fact at this point, sex before marriage was a cardinal sin that none of us wanted to mention at penance.

As the years went by this held true as the ultimate definition of a ho’ until someone in the group, not calling any names, gave it up to her boyfriend of 2 years. What you going to do now? Could you really call your best friend a ho’? We tried. Just kidding we didn’t. (chuckle) So here we were, back to the drawing board trying to decide… What is a ho’? Ok, we got it. A ho’ is a chick who has sex with someone who is not her boyfriend of more than a year.

Awww man, we thought we could stop there. Well you know what happened, someone else broke those conditions and we had to get a little more specific. Next it was, a ho’ is someone who has sex with a guy who is not her boyfriend. URGH, that one went out the window pretty fast in college. Then it was a ho’ was a chick who had sex with a guy who wasn’t her boyfriend, may or may not have a girlfriend and had a boyfriend. I really thought this one would last through college but oh no… it didn’t. (chuckle) So what now?

Here’s what we got… a ho’ is a chick who knowingly has sex with a married or involved guy, whether she is in a relationship or not. Okay that is it. We are done, this isn’t going to get no worst than this.

Oops but it does and we are back to the drawing board again. At this point, I bring up ladies, “What has happen to us? Remember when we would never be caught dead, doing such craziness?” But oh yea, there is always that one brother, maybe two that convinces us to do something you know is wrong. Besides some of these scenarios, were so exciting. Could you really call these chicks ho’s when all they were doing was looking for love? (chuckle – chuckle) I am going to go ahead and say yes!  I am not going to say they are ho’s out right but I will say this was serious ho’ing activity. (chuckle) Can you say that without calling her a ho’? (chuckle)

Anyway, the next thing you know we are now calling ho’s, chicks who sleeps with more than one man in the same night or at the same time. Yup, that is it. That is what you call a ho’. Lights on, game over! (chuckle)

Oh wait hold on a minute… I need not tell you what happened next. (chuckle) So am I at a lost of words? Not at all. No more sugar coating, no more making new definitions. To this day and it shall never change, we agreed, “a ho’ is a person (keyword, men can be ho’s too... chuckle) who behaves sexually reckless, with disregard for safety and/or the consequence of their actions.”

I also must say, through all of these revisions of our definition, not once did we say once, a ho’ always a ho’. It is really difficult to label a person with one (or maybe a few acts… chuckle) but by gawd, we sure did acknowledge that up until this last definition all of these violations could be considered ho’ like activity.

And on that note, I leave you with a throw-back...

Much luv until next week... peace :)

ho sit down

last week i gave it to the guys and now ladies, it's your turn.
now this is not directed at all the ladies, just the ones who exhibit the following behavior. while the title of this post may suggest otherwise, every woman who exhibits said behavior is not a ho per se. i just like foolish and ridiculous southern rap songs that provide an extra special exclamation point to my posts.

let the truthtelling commence.

as i've said before i love love. i fully support being boo'ed up, for whatever reason said parties wish to be boo'ed up. i will support my homegirl when she decides to get a little closer to a guy who may or may not be good enough for her. i will listen when my sister shares with me how much she likes her new man friend and i will be that shoulder when he dun dun her wrong.

but ladies, sisters and gentlewomen, what's not fina happen is you invoking your boo's name every 5 seconds in otherwise unrelated conversations just for the sake of sending your man's name into the atmosphere.

i can not and will not.

here's how you tell if ya homegirl has exceeded the limits of sisterly relationship support and overdosed on the D:

1. when you're with your chica at some generic place, say a backyard bbq, an afterwork cocktail party, or chillin at the crib, where it's not just you and her having a heart to heart about something serious, look at your watch. note the time. and then count how many times she says her man's name in a 10 minute time period without you first inquiring about his ass or even talking about love, relationships or making babies. if that number exceeds 5, HO SIT DOWN.

2. if you haven't yet met her new dude but you know his favorite colors, his favorite foods and his favorite hip hop song of all time and they only been datin 2 days, please, HO SIT DOWN.

3. if your conversations with her go something like this:
mj: girl did you hear how kanye west broke up with that stripper chic amber rose. he so extra aint it? hasn't been right since his mama died.
her: i know right, my boo told me that last night. kanye need to deal with them demons. my boo say that's why he made 808's and heartbreak, cause his mama died. my boo be knowin girl.
mj: look, the sky is blue.
ho: my boo's favorite color is blue.
mj: oh snap, my mama just died.
ho: ohh no, i'm so sorry to hear that, you know my boo mama died last year so he know how you feel.

HO SIT DOWN!

and SHUT UP BOUT YO BOO.

enough. we get it. you boo'd up. congratulations! i don't need to hear about him and his predilections every 5 minutes. me and you are cool but i really don't need to know what he thinks about the global environmental crisis. you're dating him, i am not . keep some thangs to yourself.

the problem iswomen who are like this rarely ever realize they annoy the shit out of everyone around them. i overstand the excitement of dating someone new or being overjoyed about the (new) love of your life. i might shoulda been told to sit the hell down a few times or two in the past. but lately i've run across a few ladies that needed to be sat down and realized just how sickening it is from the outside lookin in.

you shouldn't surrender all your thoughts and opinions for those of your SO's. and you certainly shouldn't drop his name every five seconds like he invented the spanx. like he ghost-wrote death of auto-tune. just don't. HO SIT DOWN.

please and thank you.

What's Your Girlfriend Got to Do With Me?

So, sometimes as a single person, you have to hear about the love lives of others. Sometimes, no make that most times, against your will. And sometimes, no make that often times these conversations make you want to kill yourself. Or if that’s too drastic, search for the nearest emergency exit you can rush through. Or start to fake stomach cramps so you can leave. Or just have the testicular fortitude to say, “no thank you to where this conversation is going” And then get up and walk away.

Now I’m not talking about when you and your friends get together to discuss current relationships, prospects, or lack of love, sex or anything in between. I’m talking about people, men in particular, who feel the need to flaunt their girlfriend in front of your face. For example…

I went to this cookout and I see this guy I used to date. We exchange that ‘what are you doing now’ banter. And for real, for real, we could have parted ways right there. Thrown up the deuces to one another and said, “see ya when I see ya.” But nooo… He hits me with, “so are you seeing anyone?” But it wasn't in that I’m interested kinda way. Let’s do this one mo’gin type of way. It was more in the way a little kid has a huge secret about somebody that they just HAVE to share with the first person they see. They just can’t hold it any longer. But they wanna make you guess what it is. And you just don’t want to play that game.

“Noooo. Not seeing anyone right now,” I drag out. And then. Long pause. We stand there looking at each other for a few seconds. And then inevitably, I feel/think that to be polite, I should probably ask him this question back. Because sometimes I'm ignorant and I don't reciprocate a question. And people be gettin all mad and stuff. On some, 'don't you wanna know about me?' Sigh. I guess...
“So. Are you dating anyone?”
“Why yes. I have a girlfriend.”
“Really? That’s nice.” Inner monologue: Ok. I should ask him a question about her. Shouldn’t I? But what should I ask? Why do I care? Wait a minute. Is he talking right now? About her? What is he saying? I should probably pay attention, so I can ask follow up questions. There may be a pop quiz. She may be here later tonight and he'll introduce us. And I can't ask her questions if he's already told me stuff about her... Oh shyt. He’s still talking. About her. I should focus. Oh who is that guy? He looks kinda cute. Hmmm... My drink is geting low. I need another. But he's still talking. Why are all these bugs around me? They are gonna tear me up. I should focus. Focus. Focus. Right now...

“Yeah she’s ………….. etc., etc., etc. And she's also. ........ And she's from.... And we met ..... And we've been dating since ....” And I sat and sipped my vodka and pineapple and cried on the inside.

Have you ever seen that Sex and the City when Sarah Jessica Parker aka Carrie first meets Jack Berger. And they have instant “chemistry.” And then when she asks him to escort her to her book signing, he says, “sorry my girlfriend’s parents are coming into town.” Shock and awe. So when she gathers with her friends, she’s like “how come he didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend? I hate when guys don’t tell you right away!” And Samantha says, “yeah but you don’t wanna find out too soon. I hate when they’re all, ‘I have a girlfriend.’ Calm down I just asked if that seat was taken!”

Church, synagogue! Check it. True story. I went to my cousin’s 30th birthday party. I saw this guy from high school. I said, “what’s up, Wesley?* How’s life of a grown up?” We commiserate briefly. And then silence. Which is totally cool with me cause I'm only still standing here cause I’m waiting for the bartender to bring me my drank.** And then he says, “Yeah. My girlfriend couldn’t come tonight because she had to do something for school.” Yes it really went like that. Yes there really was no segue. Yes I really just stood there and was like, “uh ok. Good to see you.” Inner monologue: Where the hell is my stoli and sprite? Ahh here it is. Now, don't say anything else to him. Don't even look him in the eye. Don't smile or nod. Just walk away. Right. Now.

I am perplexed. I don’t mind people wanting to talk about their love. I mean maybe if I were in a relationship, I too would shout it from the mountaintops. At this point, if and when I get a man, I will probably stop people on the street and be like, “yo. Let me tell you about my man. He is the absolute greatest. No, don't walk away. I have to tell you abot the cutest thing he did last night!!" And then follow them until they pull out their cell phones to call the police.

But a la Carrie Bradshaw, I wonder, are men rapidly telling me (and other women) about their girlfriends because they don’t trust themselves or because they don’t want me/us to push up on them? Is it like let me put this out in the atmosphere so all parties involved are clear about what can and cannot happen, before she seduces me, gives me a lap dance, offers to suck my dyck, tells me she wants to marry me, have my babies and run my bath every night, and then it’ll be way too late to tell her I have girlfriend… Or maybe they are really telling themselves, cause they see something they might could like, and they gotta remind themselves, "oh yeah I got a girlfriend." And they just happen to say it aloud.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I know that I have no interest in these guys, so I’m like ‘you ain’t got to worry bout me trying to get with you.' I do remember this guy I was crushing on hoard told me (seemingly) way too late that he had a girlfriend. And I was slightly devastated at the time. But now I rather appreciate it. I mean we had good conversations and it wasn’t until I showed my hand that he let me know what he was holding.

If he had told me off the break, I probably wouldn’t have even really conversed with him. I mean if he's off limits, why waste my time? Yes, that's how I get down. I mean we can make small talk, but there's no sense in putting on my Rum Punch ballet, tap and jazz show if you're not going to fully appreciate it. But this guy and I had great convo. He made me laugh. And when he told me he was with somebody, I thought, "of course. That woman ain't no fool. You're a great catch!" And then I kept it moving. But maybe too many women don't do that. And mayhap that's the problem...

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

*Name has been changed to protect the foolish

** I really don't drink as much as this post implies... Or do I?

April, "This is jump-off..."

Sometimes I am not sure where the hours in the day disappear to but before I know it, I’m doing the whole get-it-together-it’s-Monday routine. Anyway before I kick this week off, I wanted to let you know that by Tuesday I had had enough of my non-functioning cell phone. It was no longer refreshing. It was making it rather difficult to keep up with my social calendar.

Okay, so last week I was drowning a few of my work sorrows away with a friend during happy hour when I ran into my cousin’s boyfriend. Of course, I spoke and attempted to introduce him to my friend but as I opened my mouth to say his name I realized, I was about to introduce him by some other name that his mother didn’t give him. Ut-oh! Not only was I about to do that but I couldn’t remember this man's name for the life of me. WOW! This man has been dating my cousin for almost a year and I don’t know his name. I had to think on that for minute.

Then it all made sense (and ladies don’t kill me I just thought this discussion would be rather entertaining) for the last eight months, we called and referred to this dude as jump-off. Now of course he doesn’t know this but dang we must have used it a lot for me to almost introduce the man as jump-off!

At this point, I am thinking when the girls get together do we ever use real names? I know guys have their little code names but we rarely hear those unless they tell us. But my girls and I have used these codes names sometimes in the presence of the man in which we are referring. Tsk-tsk. (chuckle) Sometimes the names switch…you can go from being a "jump-off" to a "mister" without even knowing. Your woman might have even had a slip of the tongue and you never even realized it. (chuckle)

Well this morning, I am going to shout out a few of them. They all hold special places in our hearts. (chuckle)

To:

Jump-Off: One minute you chilling and the next there is more than just the lights off.

Coach: You keep a sister on her toes giving her the little extra encouragement that she needs and not necessarily what she wants.

Father: Not to be confused with the pimp and I think this one is self explanatory.

WH: Ahh, everyone has one of these…work husband. (Well not everyone.)

West Coast: The long distance brother. Time stops and the relationship pauses when you are not in town, but picks right back up from where it left off when you are.

Mister: Ooo, “if you think hard work been doggin’ you before get ready for the big dog!”

Old head: I think is one is pretty common but chivalry is not dead here!

Wing MAN: Not the initial score but proves that first impressions might be deceiving.

Hooptie: a.k.a The overambitious, loves to make promises but just can’t seem to follow through...but we love him still, his intentions are good.

The Avatar: Whether he knows it or not, he IS the chosen one and has mystical healing powers.

Mr. Sandy Nipples: Last but not least, my favorite. Always knows how to show a sista a good time. Doesn’t matter who is there…Mr. Sandy Nipples puts a smile on you and your girlfriends’ faces.

We love you all & have a wonderful day! :)

Take a minute to shout out your favorites by code name. (chuckle)

Until next week…peace :)

hook a sista up

In love and life, there are universal truths. Mantras. Standard operating procedures, if you will. Certain things that everybody just knows. Rules that aren't written down anywhere but that everybody is just expected to live by.


For women, it’s THE CODE.


Now depending on where you come from, THE CODE could involve any number of situations but generally when women speak of THE CODE they are referring to that unspoken universal truth that if your sistafriend has dated, slept with, liked, or potentially liked a guy...



he is OFF LIMITS to you!



As a general principle most women can get down with this but in practice the slope gets a little slippery. As with any law, it’s all in the application.



How long you known this sistafriend? Is she really yo sistafriend, homegirl, best buddy, acquaintance or your co-worker on your part-time night job who you sometimes go to chipotle with for burritos? Did you and ole' boy ever date? How long ago did you date said guy? How did it end? Did he ever get it in and if so how often and how good was the gettin it in? Are you still drunk off the D? Did you just stalk . . . errr like him from afar or did you let that brotha know you was feelin’ him? Was he feelin’ you and you just didn’t reciprocate (yet)? Most importantly, what does sistafriend know about any of this? Or is he FINE enough to let THE CODE slide just this once cause a man is a man is a man and every woman betta speak up or not get fed? The permutations are endless.



Perhaps a “hypothetical” is in order to illustrate the contours of THE CODE.



Say you meet a guy, we shall call him Bryan. Bryan is nice, friendly, intelligent, educated and willing to take you out and show you the city. On paper, Bryan is any SBW’s dream: no kids, owns his own home, stable job. So what's the problem right? Well, despite the fun ya'll have together, you don’t like him “like that.” Yeah, yeah I know beggars can't be choosers but you don't feel a strong attraction to him. And you prefer to keep the relationship strictly friendly, although you’re pretty sure that Bryan likes you.



You tell your friend Leslie about Bryan and how you like hanging with him but that you’re not feeling him beyond the friendship level although he stay trying to push up. You’ve known Leslie for several years and consider her to be one of your best friends. Leslie comes to visit you for some weekend debauchery and on Friday night you, Leslie, Bryan and some other irrelevant characters to this hypothetical hang out. During the night, you notice a little extra something between Bryan & Leslie but you chalk it up to harmless flirting, after all you yourself have been on the receiving end of Bryan’s advances. The next evening you end up on the town again, tearing it down with Bryan & Leslie plus the irrelevants. Once t'again your spidey sense alerts you to the vibe between Bryan & Leslie. By the night’s end, Bryan & Leslie ride off to kick it while you head back to the crib to crash in a drunken haze. By weekend's end, it's clear that Bryan & Leslie have just embarked on a "new relationship."



WWABWD?



What would the Average Black Woman Do? Stab a bitch in her baby toe for fucking with your possible, back pocket dude? Not give a fuck, cause Bryan wasn't that cute (to her) and she wasn't feelin him anyway? Silently sulk for 1.5 years until Bryan & Leslie announce they gettin' married and then blow them both away in a rage of unspoken envy? Or stand up at their wedding and give a toast reminiscing about how she brought the happy couple together...black love ya'll black love!



To some THE CODE, under art. 6.9, strictly prohibits Leslie's poach. To others, the advisory notes of the Committee on Black Womanhood to art. 6.9 allow Leslie's behavior as long as she runs it by her girl first. Under what circumstances is this situation kosher (if ever)? And must one check with her girl first before crossing that line?



You ask 10 different women and you might get 10 different answers or 8 servings of hell naw with 2 sides of gurl stop, I will cut a bitch if she even tries!



What say you?