WE ARE: 5 women navigating our twenties in search of peace, happiness and love (or not). WE WRITE: about everything and nothing. From the insane to the mundane- you will find different paths taken, lessons learned and lives lived. WE THINK: you’ll enjoy it...Warning: Consumption of these views may leave you enlightened while intoxicated.


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-The Five Spot

Thursday, April 30, 2009

one mo'gin

photo courtesy of Karen Cunningham for the nytimes

i'm a big fan of the "come back around love". i don't know if that's what other people call it but in my head that's the perfect name for it. you know when two people meet, they click and everything just seems so right. but for whatever reason (timing, other loves, career commitments, fear) they can't make it work. and they part, looking longingly back down the road at one another.

but later down that road, maybe many years , marriages and kids later, they pass each other on the street, some things have changed, some's good, some for the bad, but seeing you reminds me of the precious times we had. she's unhappy and she miss the shit they used to do. he miss her smile, her mouth, her laughter, he never bumped into her kind before or after... that's the "come back around love." i think it's so romantic and i seem to find examples of it all the time.

enter michelle and david, this week's
featured couple on the nytimes vows page:

these two met at 23 while taking a class together. she "just knew I was going to marry him.” he thought “[t]he passion was going at warp speed...[t]here was nothing more I could have wanted.”
despite all the butterflies they didn't stay together.

Even so, he felt he was too young to settle down and suggested that they see other people.

A pained look appeared on her face. He said, “I remember walking away thinking: ‘You’re an idiot. This isn’t what you really want.’ But at that age you just keep walking.”

over the next few years after their initial meeting, they fell into an on-again, off-again pattern that ended in 1992 when she announced her engagement to someone else.

*cue jill scott*

"you know what this is, you knew what it was..."

or did he? sadness...

there in lies the risk of the "come back around love." as with michelle and david, either party can (and will) move on to someone else. she went on to flourish professionally as a marketing director and flounder personally through two failed marriages. he did the same
, marrying once and having two sons. luckily for them, these relationships didn't work out and they found their way back to each other.

but reading their story made me think about all the drama that may be attached to the "come back around love." how much "back around" is too much? michelle ran through two marriages before they reconnected. it seems like they both had hard lives while they were away from each other. think about all the money spent on weddings, alimony, and such. what about all these young kids, the drama of blended families, the stress of being a stepparent. would they have been better off just trying to make it work when they first met? would they still be together if they hadn't taken the time to grow in between away from each other?

these are the questions, the questions, that's what it's all about...

in my heart i still like the idea of the "come back around love" although it clearly presents a world of problems. i'm a right now kinda girl so i don't think i'd have the patience to wait for a man to decide whether he wants to be with me. but it's still sweet. i'll still go awwww when a friend tells me about how she ran into him at homecoming last year and they fell right back into each other, like they did when they first met at market friday in '01. it makes for a good story, just like michelle and david. but at what cost?

what say you?

think on it as d'angelo sings...


Rum Punch said...

Hmmm... I guess the beauty and magic of the come around love is that you're not supposed to wait/hope/expect for it to come around. I mean look at Sheila Johnson (Bob Johnson's ex). Could she have predicted that her second husband would be the judge who heard her divorce case, who just happened to be an actor w/ her in an all Negro ensemble in the 60s? Nope.

I feel that w/ these people in the ny times story - they were always hanging onto each other because they wanted to be together. But fear, playing games, etc., stopped them. And even when they were living their "lives", there was still that force pulling them towards each other. And how fair was that to their spouses? Were they really giving it their all? I wonder... But I guess it'll be a cute story to tell their grandkids...

Courvoisier said...

I hear you Rum Punch! I always think these stories are one in a million. They are nice but there is no way I could imagine getting married again and Mr. Ex decides to interrupt. If I am getting married you better believe Mr. Ex you should take your feelings to the grave or share them at the risk of hearing "That's nice."

Besides, if there was is really a connection. Shouldn't we at least still be friends? But then again that brings up the whole can you really be friends with the ex?

Anonymous said...

Maybe David needed more time to realize how special Michelle was to him. As stated in the article, he was only 23. Like Little Brother says," A woman's life is love, a man's love is life."

Intrepidblackman said...

I got married to a come around love. We dated for a year, would see each other from time to time--occasionally "hook up." Then a few years later we got married. It lasted 11 months.

mint julep said...

@ rum punch, you always break it down a lil further. you true, these two were wanting each other while they were with other people so it wasn't really come back around like sheila nem. maybe that's why their marriages didn't work out cause they loved each other all along.

@ courvoisier, i agree. if guy (or girl) doesn't jump at the opportunity when its in front of them than they risk losing out to a better (wo)man. and if they do lose out, that's they bad and they can't come back sniffing around. but if in the interim they truly don't talk/see each other and move on and then later are both single and meet again, then i think that's sweet.

@anon, it seems to me that david already knew how special michelle was but he just kept walking (maybe outta fear). when they first met, i'm sure michelle wasn't like let's get married tomorrow but she prolly just didn't want him to be talkin to other girls if he thot she was so special. Little Brother also says "you should know by now that all n*ggas is dogs" and that's not true, now is it?

@intrepidblackman, there's always an exception to my rose colored rule. thanks for sharing.

Bellini said...

@minty: girl, do you know i keep Voodoo in the cd changer of my car? when the morning rush hour drive stations fake on playin' my music, i let Voodoo rip and get in the zone with one mo'gin,'feel like makin' love', 'Africa'-- girl the hits just keep on keepin' on

per your post, i have mixed feelings about the topic which means i need to type my own da$$ post to elaborate...stay tuned