But back to the ONE. That ONE person you are supposed to click with, have a spark with, always get butterflies when they’re around, talk about any and everything with, realize y’all are soul mates, argue with but stay in love with, and then finally lock it down, on some foreva, foreva EVA, FOREVA EVA, till death do y’all part stuff… Or until someone decides they can’t do this no more. But you hope it’s the former. That ONE. That ONE mothafucka. In my travels across this land or just walking around my house in jammies, I wonder if such a person exists for me. And if he does then how will I know that he’s the ONE? Will the hair stand up on my arms? Will I just get some spidey this man right here, oh yeah he’s the ONE sense? Will it just be a natural, instantaneous type feeling? Or will it be gradual? And then the thought that it could be all of this, some of this or none of this. And of course there’s no telling if it will ever even happen. And so I was reading my girl Carolyn Hax one day (I like to say it like I know her personally) and I came across the following question about the ONE. Carolyn summed it up quite nicely. Still has me thinking. Read, enjoy and discuss.
How do I know if someone is "the one"? I've been with him five years, and the answer isn't coming to me. Marriage is obviously a huge step in life, and it's important to me not to make any missteps. It would be great news if there was a "The One" checklist.
1. If you're asking me, he's not it.
You're not marveling at your luck in finding this guy. He deserves that. You do, too.
End of discussion? Maybe. However, some people feel lucky just to have someone rich, or pretty, or breathing, so it's important to calibrate your concept of luck.
2. Do you love, not just like, each other?
3. Do you like, not just love, each other?
4. Do you talk to each other easily? Sit in silence easily?
5. Are you both past the point of comparing yourselves with or seeking approval from your parents? Peers?
7. Should you respect your opinions? Can you spot abuse and control? Have you outgrown any need to delude yourself, can you admit when you're being shallow, stubborn, immature? When you're scorekeeping, holding grudges, shifting blame, undermining, told-you-so-ing, abusing substances or otherwise making suspect decisions?
8. Do you refresh, not exhaust, each other?
9. Are there no major objections, recurring arguments, unhealed emotional wounds between you? Do you two handle conflict well enough not to fear it? Are you free to be yourselves, where others seem to walk on eggshells?
10. Everyone has insecurities. Does each of you respect how the other handles them?
11. Can you share anything, whether you actually do or not? Does your mate know you as well as or better than friends do? Are you free to confide in both?
12. Finish this sentence: "S/he's wonderful, but . . ."
13. Do you understand that the only person you can change is yourself? And even then, only to a limited degree? That "potential" is fiction, it's as-is or nothing?
14. Okay, s/he's wonderful. But is s/he wonderful for you?
15. Have you purged the excuse "All relationships are work" from your lexicon?
16. Is pleasing each other a pleasure? ("Compromise," good; "compromised," not.)
17. Are you confident that, if you broke up, s/he would take it like an adult?
19. Has time -- not months, but years -- confirmed what you're witnessing and feeling?
20. Honesty check: Brutal yet?
And finally: 21. Do you understand that you can get all of this "right," and get everything else "right," and be raised by parents who got this "right," and still have things go wrong? That cosmically, practically and mathematically, the whole concept of "the one" is ludicrous?
This is sounding like an argument for serial monogamy. But operating from a fear of missteps is itself a misstep. Have the guts to accept life without guarantees, and to let good fortune speak for itself. Oh, and if you're wondering where sex is, it's covered by 1-21.
And now some jump off discussion questions for the class: Have you found the ONE? Believe that there is or is no such thing as the ONE? Waiting patiently (cause you know you can’t go “looking”) for the ONE? Think you let the ONE get away? If you found the ONE, does the mean you have to get married? Living a fuck the ONE, I’m the ONE, so I'm doing me type lifestyle? Do tell then!