Mamas Don't Let Your Daughters Grow Up to be Fools

What’s up party people? Let’s have some fun today, shall we? We shall! So, below I have text messages exchanged between a married man and a married woman – with some Rum Punch commentary sprinkled in. And here we gooo…

Woman: Do you love me? Is she really serious with this? Yes, she is. Let's remember that they're both married. M'mkay? M''mkay!
Man: Yes. You want me to count the ways? Oh, I love you 5 ways. Just counted. Hmmm… That’s it?

Woman: LOLOL! THAT’S ALL?! My question, exactly. LOL. What are they, maybe they cover the whole thing. Because I have at least 10 ways. Ok, she’s pressed…

Man: THANX FOR BEING MY GIRL! I WISH I COULD ARTICULATE WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME. GOODNIGHT SOULMATE! Oh ok. So y’all are soul mates now? What about your respective spouses?
Woman: ALLLL. I know you know it, but I’ll always be your girl, whatever it means to you! Yes, what does that mean, seeing as how y’all are both, must I really repeat it again, married!

Man: What did you think I mean when I say G doesn’t fit anymore?
Woman: I thought you meant that we are wayyy past the girlfriend stage and that I mean way more to you than a girlfriend. Was I wrong? How can you be way past a girlfriend stage? I’m not understanding! Are there levels or stages to an affair - just fcuking, mistress, girlfriend, I promise you will one day be wifey?
Man: NOPE! 2 MUCH FOR 2WAY THOUGH. Hmmm... You think?
Woman: NO QUESTION. I thought about writing you a letter last night, but it would have been way too long and I figured a bit much. Write a letter? How old are you? 16 years old? What could you possibly say in a letter? How much you love him? How much you wanna be with him someday? You've said it. Many times. I think he gets it. Does he care though?

Woman: Do I make you uncomfortable when I talk about you in the future sense? I mean about thinking about if we will ever really be together? Yes, I would think that this kind of talk would make any man who is clearly not trying to leave his wife, very uncomfortable.
Man: NOT AT ALL! I just don’t want you to be “miserable” at home because of future expectations. I just don’t want you to make a Bad Decision, whatever it is, because of me. Well, she's already having an affair. So what other bad decisions could she make? Oh many more, we will soon find out...
Woman: Ok, just wanted to ask. I'm real sure of the look in your eyes when you hear me talk about that. I’m trying to figure out if you’re looking at me like I’m right or you haven’t quite figured it out yet. Can I ask one more question, what does it do? Do you think about that seriously ever?
Man: Yes. I think about it seriously a lot. Talk Wednesday! (high voice) Talk Wednesday?!? Yeah right. I'm sooo sure, y'all are going to have a real conversation on Wednesday and you're not gonna just "string" her along some more...

Man: 2012 IS REAL FAR AWAY! You Are SOOOO WORTH THE WAIT! Ok, so the year of these messages is 2003. Are you trying to say that you are really going to leave your wife in 9 years for her? So, she's supposed to what – just hang around and wait?
Woman: LOLOL. Thanks! So are you! I just have to figure out what to do with myself in the meantime to not go crazy thinking about you! LOL. Oh this is what she's s going to do in the meantime! I see now!
Man: DITTO! Yes, I'm sure you're just going INSANE thinking about her!

Woman: Will you marry me? Is this chick crazy? Isn’t she already married? And why is she asking him? I mean I'm just saying - I know this is all kinds of wrong - but shouldn't the man be the one to make the first move to leave the spouse? I'm just saying, that seems like proper 'adultery' etiquette.

Man: YES. When? Ok. Stop your lies. You ain’t marrying her!
Woman: I don’t know when, all I know is that I want to be your wife! I want you to be my husband. So whenever our lives permit, just say you’ll marry me. Um ok. Delusion is a mothfcuka.
Man: YES. YES. YES. I REALLY KNEW I WOULD Be WITH You SINCE 12TH GRADE.JUST A MATTER OF TIME. And yet, 15+ years later, after high school, college and graduate school, y'all married other people and had kids. So... When are y'all getting married? In the nursing home perhaps?
Woman: I will wait on it! Love you. Ok this is making my head hurt. Really hurt.

Woman: I just feel something from you. Do you need me to and want me to really commit to being your “friend?” Do you feel troubled at the thought of our physical relationship resuming? Are you keeping yourself from being emotionally involved? Tee hee. Tee hee. Oh Lordy...
Man: I DO BELIEVE WE MUST STOP THE PHYSICAL. BUT WE MUST KEEP, SOMEHOW, OUR CONNECTION. I MEAN THIS, I NEED THIS! I Don’t KNOW HOW. You KNOW ME VERY WELL. I can’t be YOUR FRIEND! IT’S IMPOSSIBLE. I can’t be YOUR HUSBAND. WHAT CAN I BE? That's what I've been asking this whole time! Clearly not a damn thing!

Woman: Your life force makes me whole and I know that without it, I am incomplete! Now, the problem is how much of each other that takes away from our SO’s. I don’t know what to do about that and stay whole! Say whaat?
Man: Well Ditto! It’s so damn hard and so damn good. It’s the absolute best and sometimes the worst. What is always constant is the fact that ILYSM! (I love you Soul mate) Again with this soul mate business, eh?
Woman: So what do we DO? I struggle with what’s fair to you and yours and me and mines everyday. I thought I knew what I should be doing until I caught a glimpse of you not being FULLY in my life and I panicked! I don’t know to let you be anything less than everything!
Man: Don’t know! You GOT to be who you are in my life. What the hell? Clearly, you are her life. So, what do you want from her? What do you want? Oh I know what you want...
Woman: Can I ask you a question? What do you get from your wife that you don’t get from me? Oh shyt. Here it comes.
Man: The tremendous bond of parenthood. My kids’ mama. The birth experiences and the dreams for our children.
Woman: Is that it? Isn't that enough? Oh you want more? Ok here it go...
Man: That’s it. I was thinking real hard. It’s ALL the Family thing. Structure and comfort And there it is ladies. That is the reason his ass ain’t going nowhere. And yet…

Woman: I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!
Man: Miss you too! You are truly my Lady! Forever! Can’t get you out and don’t want you out of my system. You COMPLETE ME! Oh my goodness! I can't take it anymore! It's like a vicious cycle of craziness! I love you! I can't be with you! We must end this! But we're soul mates! But we can't be together! So what shall we do? Oh the fun! The drama! The danger of it all! Saracasm included...

So, in case you couldn't tell, these are the two way exchanges between the one and only, former mayor of Detorit, Kwame Kilpatrick and his "soul mate" Christine Beatty. Recently, over 6,000 messages have been released to the public and I spent the last couple days of my life reading several. Yes, it got to the point that I came upstairs, asking my dad, "Who taught me how to read?" I mean really, who taught me how to read? Because this was too much!

When the messages were first released, we (the public) got a lot of the nasty messages - the I want to give you head, blah, blah, blah. But after reading these other ones I realized it was so much more than just the physical. It was a combination of two people who had a history together (they dated in high school), holding on to that puppy love feeling, getting off on the sneaking around, him talking what I think is a bunch of shyt, and her being simple for believing everything he said.

Yes, in my mind she was simple. Not saying that he was any better. But I am saying, at some point, she should have stepped back and seen the reality of the situation. And I want to slap her a million times over. And then him. And I want to look her in the eye and be like, "um how crazy are you? Why were you even wasting your time? Couldn't you see?"

But I guess all she saw was love. I mean he kept saying it. Was "showing" it - taking her on trips, buying her gifts, telling her that someday the mayoral mansion might be hers (as if). Seemed conflicted by it. And they had all that history. And as someone who wrote this, I know that first love is hard to shake. But damn, sometimes you just gotta let some shyt go. Both of y'all. Live off the memories, please don't try to recreate. Because y'all is grown now - like real grown, with your own lives, families, responsibilities (mayor of Detroit anyone), mortgages and shyt. But maybe that was too normal. Too regular. Too boring. Too everyday. And so how about "rekindling" our love and affection? Doesn't that sound like a great plan?

To me, this situation is a perfect blend of Bellini and Mint Julep's posts from this week - the selfishness of being in "love" with two people and refusing to choose, the fact that technology is a mothafkuca and can come back to bite you in the ass, the reality that relationships are a difficult thing, that trust is a four letter word.... And that men ain't shyt but hoes and tricks. Ok, like Mint Julep, I kid. Sort of. But I think that most of us know that a man will take advantage of a situation if we allow it. And so women must know their power. Apply common sense when necessary. Take an obviously undesirable situation at face value instead of analyzing it, picking it apart, re-writing it to fit into a fantasy. Stop being foolish and be wise enough to know what really is, what ain't and what will never be.

That's my time y'all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

when flirting with white boys goes horribly wrong

way back in the day when the 5 spot was a wee lil blog, i pondered love across the color line. and after all the laughs and the backlash, i started thinking why not keep my eye out for a white guy who i could even think about entertaining the possibility of actually flirting with in hopes that we might go out on a date. baby steps, my friends, baby steps

so while i didn't start hanging out at any frat parties or sign up for web based love connections, i did become less discriminating, departing from my personal brown paper bag test. i eased into it with a few light skinneded brothas. but as with all new things, there have been a few bumps in the road.

*enter wildly amusing story about my weekend shenanigans*

on saturday night i was out and about with some friends playin my role as the token black girl. if i'm painting a picture of the bar scene, it'd be something like where's waldo with me as waldo and everyone else as white folks. but no biggie, i was "trying different things...sipping whiskey out the bottle not thinkin' bout tomorrow, singin' sweet home alabama all night long."

while giggling and laughing with the girls, we are approached by a group of guys who strike up a convo. and one of them seemed to be particularly interested in ms. julep. since i'm generally clueless whenever ANY man approaches me, it wasn't till he started leanin in and touchin a sista's arm that the needle slid off the record player in my mind....scrreeeeeech.

lookie here. white boy got the feva! i started really listening to what he was saying and took a better look at him. he had all my white boy requirements:

pure-d white boy- check
smelled good- check
smooth chest (discovered in our convo on how he was stabbed in the back by a rouge mexican) - check
owned a successful business - check
really wanted a piece of chocolate covered mint julep - check
pretty close to brody-grade looks - check

thinking back i don't even remember his name. but we talked for a good lil while and i ended the evening my giving him my business card. i left feeling proud of myself for doing my part to heal the racial wounds of yesteryear.

fast forward to monday morning when i find the following gem of an email in my inbox:

Hello. I'm really sorry to email you. I didn't want to call. I've never had to do this before and I will keep this short but please be honest with me.

I found your business card in my fiance's pants yesterday doing laundry. He told me he was in Cleveland for the weekend but I see your from [city nowhere near Cleveland].
So could you tell me where you met him?, was he in [city nowhere near Cleveland]?

and did anything happen or did you guys have sex?

Sorry to ask, I just need to know.

Thanks so much.
[name changed to protect crazy stalker fiance]

*blank stare*

damn crazy stalker fiance damn

*blank stare*

what to do, what to do? something in her desperate semi-pathetic email tugged at my sisterly heartstrings. crazy stalker fiance definitely needs a dose of reality. clearly mr. man has stepped out on her before if the first thing her mind goes to when she finds my business card in his pocket is sex. twasn't like i wrote "thanks for the nice ride cowboy" on the back. not to mention that mr. man wasnt' no where near cleveland this weekend. and i don't buy for one minute that you've never had to do this before crazy stalker fiance. but the lies that you tell yourself are your business.

i ended up sending her a short and sweet "aint-shit-happen-but-you-need-to-check-your-lying-ass-not-in-cleveland-man" email. i did my duty without sliding too deep into their jacked-up sitchy-achun (c) mrs. meany. and crazy stalker fiance was "grateful".

Thanks you so much. I feel better. I figured it was innocent but I've had problems with him before and didn't feel good about it. Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it!!

[crazy stalker fiance]

i had a good laugh about the whole thing but it kinda made me sad. men "aint shit but hoes and tricks." ok not REALLY but really! spending the weekend in a whole nother city than what you told your fiance is foul.

and women are crazy as hell. ok not REALLY but really! who sends an email confronting another woman over a business card. not used condoms or steamy text messages. but a business card. crazy doesn't even describe it.

what say you?

love's triangle

I'm always intrigued by the notion that a person believes they can be in love with two people at the same time. WTF?

I don't think that's true. I think when it comes down to the wire and both people stand in front of you -- you will lean towards one. And really, if we want to get to the nitty-gritty of things I think there is something selfish about the indecisive member of the party. You know there mo-- probably want their cake and eat it too -- so to speak. And when the guilty member of the party gets fouled up and caught red-handed and the universe allows them to reap what they sow by having the two innocent parties walk out of their life, then we know the boomerang theory is in full effect.

However, some people are still convinced that you can be in love with two people. Particularly, when the scenario is you're in a committed relationship and perhaps you're missing your ex. Obviously, the guilty party doesn't need a relationship on their plate -- it's just adding to the confusion. So, I say all this to say, those who believe that you can be in love with two people, have not presented a firm argument that discredits my belief. But in the event you can, bring it on.

cheers,

Bellini

Did I Do That?

Have you ever done something that after the deed was done you felt totally and completely horrible? Maybe it made you question if you were a good person ? I’m not talking about promiscuous sexual encounters or not recycling…I’m talking about making fun of midgets and two-leg dogs just because it’s Tuesday. And then you learn that the midget has dedicated their life to make tall people with short arms feel good about climbing trees, or that the two-leg dog loves to snuggle sickly babies. I mean it’s horrible to make fun even if it is funny…or worse yet, true.

Okay, so come go with me to last Tuesday in the workplace. But before I continue, I just have to say that no amount of schooling really prepares a person for the world of work. I mean there is drama, politics, and green (St. Patty’s day shout out) eyed monsters everywhere you turn. And to give ya’ll some back story (also read as my justification)-before Obama was President my mentor who I had worked with for nine months, learning the ways of the budget world, left my department for greener pastures. And since mentor and I were a team of two, as nervous as I was about assuming the responsibility, it seemed that the natural order of things would be that I would get the promotion into mentor’s position. Like I said no amount of schooling can prepare you…my manager’s solution was to give the job to her good ole boy (GOB) buddy who had been in my department for only two months and did not have budget in his background. Say whaaaaaaat? Yes. What. What he did have was whiteness, older age, and a brown nose. And since he was hired for an entirely different job initially what role was I forced to assume? That of the magic Negro with all the answers, and he was very appreciative, yes siree!

Cut to now in the midst of a bad economy and a company mandate to restructure. My new boss says there is no “I” in team and thinks that GOB and I are working together because GOB should be passing information and workload down the pipe…but my desk is looking clean, while his looks like a tornado hit it. I mean I have to get paper from the printer and scribble on it just to make it look like I’m doing something… And if I wasn’t bored out my mind it would be a good look, but I feel like I’m wasting my time, I'm upset because I'm being underutilized and becoming an angry black woman inside.

Okay, so back to last Tuesday-Amaretto was at her desk, after back to back meetings, and since she had no real work to do she had to work on her post because we here at the 5 spot also have deadlines. So whilst I was typing away…GOB comes over to Amaretto’s cube, walks next to her, leans in, looks at her computer, and asks what are you working on? Ummmm. Excuse me? Technically we are at the same level, though he likes to think he’s my boss (and most likely will end up being my boss). But it was just so rude in my book! Who does that?So as you know straws break camels’ backs, well this was my straw!

In my ire I open my outlook and I write an email about GOB. Did I mention that he is fat? Yeah he is. And I said that several times in my email to my friend. That he’s all sorts of fat, and I can’t believe that he’s so bold and brazen to look at my computer screen, blah blah blah. SEND!Um, word to the wise and foolish alike, don’t ever write an email in your anger, because it wasn’t until time passed and I still hadn’t heard from my friend that I realized, in the most horrible-Greek tragedy type way that I had sent my scathing email to GOB himself! And though I never used his name, I did describe the situation perfectly and like I said I called him all sorts of Fatty Mcfaterson! I.Felt.Horrible.

And so the great dilemma, after certain expletives were expressed, was what do I do now? I couldn’t recall the message. I couldn’t say it wasn’t about him. Like the devil, GOB had made me do it, by not sharing the workload and looking at my computer-as if I was doing more work he could take from me...so it served his sneaky butt right! But those facts are beside the point, I made a big ole stankin’ my bad! Do I let it ride out or apologize? What would you have done if this were you?

See You In Seven

Yes, Women of Color Do Age Well

Excuse me ladies, I need visit the restroom.

Oh I'll come with...

Me too.

You know I don't like going to the restroom anymore,

can't stand looking in the mirror...

I hear you.

What?!

I can't see how old I am getting in my face.

You kidding me right?

Oh be quiet...you are going to look 45 when you are 90!

Never really thought about it before but yes, women of color do age well. Maybe now that I am approaching that age where I don't look like a teen anymore and my friends of other races are seeing the signs of age creep up on their faces...I starting to take notice.

While I was on vacation, a lady I swear was in her late forties turned out to be in her early seventies with grandkids older than me. Reading the latest issue of Essence article on Valerie Jarrett, she is 52...get out of here!

Then I am sorry, this last one took the cake for me...Michelle O pics at her highschool prom. WOW!

I hope to age like this!

Much luv until next week...peace:)