Stand By Your Man?

So we had a church meeting last Sunday to discuss buying a house adjacent to the church property. If we bought the house, the church would to put it in simple terms, own the entire block. Now, for a majority of the church members, this seemed like an easy decision – at least buy the house, so you can have the land – cause like Oprah say, “land is the one thing God’s not making any more of.” But because we’re colored and humans beings who come in different shapes and sizes (heh), there were your naysayers.

So this one man, a major naysayer, takes the mic and goes on this crazy rant about how he has a problem with us wanting to "control the block” and then pretty much calls us racist (the reason why is a whole ‘nother story). Yeah the entire room was like huh? Excuse? Oh no he didn’t – we may be in church now, but wait till we get outside.

So anyway. Because we’re church folk dealing with money, there was more discussion than there ever needed to be. And then we finally voted by standing up. The yays went first. And then the nays. So of course major naysayer man stands up to vote no. And then in another pew, I see his wife standing. And I’m like, WORD?!? And I’m sitting there wondering, do you really agree with him lady or you just standing cause you don’t want him to look foolish on his own? Cause for real, only a handful of other folk voted no. And by handful, I mean 2 other people.

When I discussed this later on with my, been married for 36 years mama, she was all, “the wife had to stand. Cause she had to go home with that man. And so to keep the peace, sometimes you have to stand.” And then she continued with, “but please believe the whole church was thinking just what you were thinking.” Oh hell naw shawty, I say. Well not really, cause I don’t talk to my mama like that. But I did say, “Oh no. Ain’t no way I coulda stood in agreement on that mess. I woulda had to take him outside and we woulda had to have a come to Jesus moment in the bathroom." “No,” my mama said, “it don’t work like that.”

Say whaat?!? So much to learn! And I don’t even have any prospects to practice on. Tee hee. I told my mom and everyone else in the room, “Well then I ain’t ready.” Cause are you seriously telling me that I would have to put away some of my tongue clucking, neck rolling and ‘nygga you musta lost your mind if you think we gon…', just so we could look like a team? From the view from here, that don’t look right. From the view from here, this looks like a muzzle being put on my opinions and true feelings about a situation. Like I don't have a brain. Or an education. Or the right to vote. Lol. And from my single girl perspective I’m on some ain’t no way that I could ignore reason and common sense, just to boost my man’s ego. Just to support his point of view. Just to keep peace at home.

I mean of course there’s the possibility that she actually did agree with him. But something in my spirit tells me that she was trying to save face for him. That even if she thought that he was dead wrong, that at the end of the day, him means them. And them is a team. So if he's going down with the ship, she's going to have to at least throw him a life vest, so he doesn't drown –in public. But I wonder what happened on the ride home. Did she tell him, “ok you made your point, now you gon’ have to let this go?” Did she rub his back and say baby it'll be ok? Did she put it on him when they got home to take his mind off things? Heh. We see where my mind goes.

How do you navigate these choppy marital waters, knowing that making the "wrong", seemingly unsupportive decision could send y'all in a completely different difection? And when is it support and when is it looking like a fool? I guess the obvious answer is that you don't know what to do until you're in it for real. Until you're part of a team - and know the value of your team and don't want to have to make any trades. And so I guess there comes a time when every woman realizes to make it work, you betta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, when to walk away and when to run.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

she and your man pt 2 (or link of the week)

so a few weeks ago, i wrote about cheating with married men. and double standards. and alicia keys.

i wondered where was the outrage for ms. keys for her goings on wit swizz beats. and wouldn't you know it a few days later, mashonda came wit the "truth." like mmmmmmhmmmm, told i knew there was more to this story!

but before i could write a brilliant post about it, the champ over at verysmartbrothas.com beat me to the punch. i must admit he did a much better job than i would have and managed to incorporate the title of one of the greatest romantic comedies ever made.

r&b antistar mashonda put alicia keys on twast (twitter blast) for pursuing a relationship with mashonda’s husband, swizz beatz.

inspired by a note on keys’ twitter account asking “in love, is it better to go for the choice that is smart or the choice that has spark?”, mashonda fired back, accusing the poor man’s beyonce of (paraphrasing) “extreme and blatant selfishiness for openly pursuing a man that’s married with children”. she also implied that keys’ music makes her a hypocrite and a fraud, since theres nothing empowering or pro-woman about boning another woman’s husband.

source: vsb.com

basically mashonda told alicia bout her self in the sweetest sugar honey iced tea way. but also acknowledged that every adult in the triangle had a role to play. including alicia keys. i don't know her personally but from my point of view, the outsider of the marriage needs to fall back. way back. no matter how strong the attraction. how unlike anything you've ever felt before it feels. if it's meant to be then taking a moment to breath and let the married party get their ducks and divorces in a row won't make it not so. it might just take a little longer.

an anonymous commenter to my last post said it best:

Preoccupation with society's inequitable treatment of adulterers (who said that?) is really beside the point and probably not worth trying to comprehend when establishing your own standards and conduct. Legal separation, to me, is not merely administrative. Rather, it is a transient and very personal stage of a couple's relationship - much like engagement - during which I would not recommend the intentional introduction of a third party. A commitment as significant as marriage is worth an exercise in patience and self-control for all currently and prospectively involved.

listen up alicia. and now, according to missjia.com, alicia has the nerve to launch a new blog to "uplift women and increase positivity" titled IAmSuperwoman.com. *blank stare*

i'm gon go a head and tell ya'll i was never feelin' alicia keys anyway. i'm a bit of a hater.
but what say ya'll?

cause vs. cure

Recently, I’ve ventured to chuville and acquired services from my waxologist – Kimmichu. Now Kimmi has a wall of inspiration in her studio. This wall captures photos depicting moments in time that motivate her. On this wall, are a few celebrities. So, the topic centers around Diddy for a moment… Then Kimmi raises the question, “ Would you be the rebound?”

“Um, no”.

So, immediately my mind flashes back to the early ‘90s when I fell in love with my favorite movie of all time…. drumroll please….. Boomerang ….. ta da! Do ya remember how Halle damn forgot her screen name had to cure Marcus remembered Eddie’s screen name of Jacqueline (Robin Givens). Now, I share this with Kimmi and she highlights that being the cure has its advantages. But, I’m quick to remind her that being the cure only works if the timing is right in the man’s life to appreciate the goodness of you. It wasn’t that Halle was extraordinary special, rather Marcus was outsmarted at his own game. And being the loser at the game you think you’ve conceived is no fun. Literally, the world is flipped upside down. Marcus had had enough women prior to Jacqueline that his voracious appetite was satisfied at his ripe old age.

I have to remind Kimmi, the movie could have veered in a different direction.
Also, being the rebound is the equivalent of playing second fiddle to me. It ain't happening. To be somebody's anything other than #1 ain't working for me. Essentially, to be the rebound you have to acknowledge the fact that the man is hurting over his #1. Ain't no pity partner for you to party with over here shorty. Additionally, I go on to inform Kimmi I’m nice, but not that nice. And being the rebound is indication to me that you’re too nice or a damn fool. Well, Kimmi counters my response. She informs me that being the rebound allows the woman to repair the damaged goods, essentially be the cure. Hmmmm… semi-intriguing.

Since, I am not the cause for a man’s woes, I don’t want to be a pity partner. Bellini wants no part in that. Kimmi also suggests that she likes to be exposed to a man’s emotional side and when he’s down and out everything is on display. I really don’t see what’s intriguing about a man being emotional at the cause of another women. Bellini is not buying it. Homie go on and be sappy by yourself.

And here’s the thing that Kimmi and I didn’t have a chance to discuss. Why are woman attracted to a man when he’s damaged goods. Why can’t he already be in mint condition? There's nothing intriguing about expending energy to “cure” a man, especially when you ain’t the cause. You feel me? or not I don’t know, perhaps I have to mull over this topic some more and contemplate the ways. But I’m gonna need a few bellinis in the process.


cheers,

Bellini

P.S. Kimmi is real and so is chuville.
P.P.S. Thanks Kimmi for allowing me share our convo!

Reality Bites

Somewhere between the Real World Boston circa 1997 and today, most of what I watch on television is “reality” television. Does anyone else remember crazy Kameelah Phillips and her 100 plus requirements her man would need to possess? In my Google searching to see if she ever found that special someone, I found out that she’s a doctor now! Which I was amazed by because she’s moved on in her life, trying to find cures for diseases and whatnot, but here I am only remembering her for that list she wrote 12 years ago! It’s weird, this world we live in now where we can take bites from people’s lives and pretty much act like we know them, when in reality we don’t.

With that said I love watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta! And genuinely I was shocked to hear that Kandi Burruss’s ex-fiance A.J. passed away over the weekend. While I logically know the episode I just watched on Thursday night was taped months ago, it just feels like I’m watching them live their lives with no delay. And it’s weird that while watching this show I have been calling Kandi all sorts of stupid for linking up with a man who seemingly didn’t bring anything to the table and had all sorts of children by all sorts of women. I just couldn’t understand why she would entertain marrying someone after 6 months of meeting and knowing each other! And as one friend joked, did she buy that engagement ring herself? Because we know how we strong Black, independent sisters can be doing things for ourselves and our men folk! And then when Rum sent me the Essence.com article where Kandi said they had called off the engagement (yay) but she was the guardian of his two 12 year old daughters (saaaaaaaaay what) I had more fodder to talk about!

But for real for real, I don’t know Kandi or AJ beyond what I see. A few moments of their lives edited down to tell a story for my viewing entertainment and pleasure. But there is no denying that this sucks! His death of course, but the fact that this is now NEWS! Blog fodder. Something to Google search while at work. How many folks die on a regular basis? Ooodles! But if Ashely Jewell never met Kandi Burruss, who happened to be in a group called Xscape. And if GE never bought NBC who bought Bravo who discovered this delicious Real Housewives franchise. We never would have heard about the beating death of a Black man in a strip club who initiated the brawl in the first place. Is this reality? I’m thinking no-its too sensational-and we (myself included) can’t seem to get enough.

See You In Seven

What do you say, Courvoisier? (Part 5)

Dear Courvoisier,
I am sleeping with a guy who in the heat of the moment, says things like “I want you to have my baby.” “You want to have my baby right?” “Little boys just like me… like their daddy” “There’s no aborting this!” And I have to tell you this type of talk during the act scares me. I am not interested in having your babies. We talked about this! Remember, “I ain’t the baby mamma type!” This type of bed talk really upsets me because when everybody is cool, we both agree… no babies. He already has one baby mama. URGH! What should I do because I can’t take this non-sense and frankly it is the quickest way to turn off the action.
Potential Baby-Mama

Well chica, I don’t have to tell YOU... make sure you keep up on your depo shots or pills. This dude sounds like the crazy type to forget how to put a condom on in the heat of the moment. I won’t lie to you this one took me by surprise. How is this type of talk remotely a turn on. (chuckle) I had to call for back up. A friend of mine says that some men consider this type of dirty talk a come-on and it is like a fetish. WHAT?!? (chuckle) I just had to blog this one for the brothers… does the idea of impregnating a woman make it extra steaming in the bedroom? Does it matter if she is your girlfriend or wife?

Obviously potential baby mama isn’t married to dude, so what the heck? Does he like the idea of racking up baby mamas? Is that the new trend?

School Courvoisier…

Much luv and no unexpected babies until next week… peace :)