So originally I was gonna write a post titled, “sometimes I wish I were a whore”, and discuss my frustration with this thing called ain’t getting none (by choice). That was gonna be the whole point of the post. But then I thought that might offend any part time whores who do read this here blog. And it might be overshare. So then I decided to write about my relationship fears/phobias/I don't know if I could handle the following:
You Told Me This Already – So in case you couldn’t tell, I’m a storyteller. And when I tell a story, I have to polish the silver, get out the china, set the table with the fine linen and napkins, make the sweet tea, pour the ice water, before I can serve you the meal. And sometimes I forget what I say. And I end up telling the same story over again. Or being like, "wait. Did I tell you this already?" And that’s a pain for the listener. But can you imagine years and years of that? I was in Bible Study last night and this couple who has been married for 57 years (57 YEARS?!?!) was in there. So the husband tells this story that even I had heard before. And there was his wife, eyes half closed, just nodding along, and I was sitting there like, “I wonder if she’s thinking, ‘If I hear this story one more daggone time.’” I halfway wanted her to jump up on the chair and be like STOP TELLING THIS STORY! IT HAPPENED TO YOU 52 YEARS AGO! WHO CARES ANYMORE? But then it was her turn and she told a story that I’m sure he had heard over and over and over. And he sat. And "listened.." And I sat in awe and amazement.
Other Couples – I love my friends. But more importantly I like my friends. Enjoy talking to them. Hanging out with them. Going on trips with them. I know all their likes, dislikes and idiosyncracies. We got this friendship thing down to a tee. But what if I don’t love or even like your friends? And yet he continues to insist that we do things with them. Dinners. Vacations. Play dates and birthday parties with their kids. One time my ex went out with his friend and left me in the house with the friend’s girl. OMG. She was one of those people who talked and talked and talked. And talked some more. And I sat there wanting to hit her in the head with a frying pan. Not to kill her or anything. Just stun her into silence. But all I had were those cheap Walmart skillets, so that was a no go. And then we started going on double dates. I could not imagine years and years of that. And yet it's kinda rude to be like, "I don't really like hanging with them," no? Cause I mean he might not like all my friends. And there I am on the phone, making plans, asking him if Friday night is good for him for a Bid Whist and fish fry night...
Other People’s Family – You know how other people think their families are the mostest? And that totally makes sense cause it’s they family. But one day my homegirl and I were at this graduation party for these two guys’ and it was mostly their family – hanging, talking, laughing and she said, “I hate other people’s families.” And I totally got it. Cause you know they have their own quirks, and inside jokes and they be lookin’ at you all up and down when you come into a room. Or taking notes on if you lack any home training. Or asking you to help peel the potatoes or clear the table. And since I’m the most unthoughtful person, I can’t imagine having to do woman’s work in the kitchen. Or trying to impress someone’s mama by doing the dishes – as I witnessed with one couple. Sometimes I secretly wish that my future husband/boyfriend/whatever be an orphan who was like raised by very, very polite wolves. And so now he’s out in the world all alone, looking for someone to love him like his mama wolf who is sadly now dead (so I don't even have to go into the woods to visit her) because they had to get rid of the wolves cause they were eating all the deer and small children and throwing nature off balance.
And because I’m the type of person who even takes the time to think of these kind of things, when it’s not even my reality – which apparently is not a good thing, one should focus on the present and not the whatifs, or the maybes, or the Lord please don't send me thats – I’m sure that God is gonna have some fun with me when he does send me someone. It’ll probably be a man with like 12 brothers and sisters, with two big mommas who are 98 and 101 respectively, who was on line with 125 other guys and is friends with all of em, who has just as many stories as I do and forgets what he tells me.
Or not. Cause I know that whatever I get, however it comes, will be exactly what I need while it might simultaneously push me outta my comfort zone. Cause the other thing the couple from Bible Study shared is how they had seen Precious the other day, in the middle of the afternoon, and how he had fallen asleep and she woke him up cause it cost $8.75 a piece ya hear, only for him to fall asleep again, and yet he still had lots of commentary about a less than 2 hour movie it sounds like he missed half of. And I found that, well - precious. And so it made all my fears and worries about my imaginary relationship seem futile. Cause from what I've observed when you get the person you're supposed to get. And you like them. Like really like them. Well you can deal with the rest. Somehow. But I'm still kinda hoping for that raised by wolves thing...
That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!
That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!
