catching (and releasing) feelings

Now, look, I ain't trying to get in your business... but, I mean I do know a little something about being pissed. I mean, it's all - You know, it's all just feelings, man. From females to friends to funerals... it's all about the feelings. I just want you to recognize the difference between what you feel and what's real. That way you don't look back on life with a bunch regret.

Uncle George from ATL

earlier this year i  randomly met this guy.  literally walked by him, said hello and smiled.  he liked what he saw and tracked me down through a friend of mine.  and then over a meal i learned more about him.  and i liked what i heard.  a lot.  and it seemed like he liked me too.  and the way i felt when i talked to him, when i saw him, when i was around him seemed to be like nothing i had ever experienced in my life. 

but very shortly thereafter things sort of sputtered out.  mainly because dude was married.  while he said he was "separated, but um, i need to see them papers.  papers.  papers." (c) rum punch/usher remix.  nothing happened between us and i didn't feel comfortable remaining in contact with him given that he wasn't truly making moves toward divorce.

but i really liked him.  felt a special kinda way about him. or so i thought.

i went on with my life.  but inside i wondered, what the hell was that? he was feelin me just as much as i was feelin him. right? right?!?

wrong.  it was all just feelings.  the heart flutters, the nervousness, the uncontrollable smiles at the thought of him.  all just feelings.  and as a pisces i love love, romance, and feelings.  unfortunately feelings can get you in a whole lot of trouble without a heaping side order of reality.

so often we get swept up in the moment.  in the feelings.  and then we find ourselves in too deep.  in relationships where in reality, it's all f'ed up.  dysfunctional.  not healthy.  you say he just gets frustrated some times, when really he's verbally and physically abusive when things don't go his way.  he's does chores around the house and fixes things in your place that are broken, when really he live with his mama so he's always over to your house cause he don't got a place of his own.  he says he's not ready for a serious relationship when he actually is just passing the time with you until he meets the real woman of his dreasms. 

so we always have to balance our feelings with reality.  usually through sisterfriends, mothers, fathers or through the voices in our own heads.  like the homie rum punch, "of course he was enthralled with you, he had nothing to lose, so that type of enthralled doesn't count."  exactly!

the real was i met a married guy who was nice.  end of story.
it had nowhere to go cause he wasn't moving.
how i felt about him didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.
just like i met him, i'll meet someone else.
just think a year ago, i didn't even know his name.
so just imagine the people i don't know now who i may know in a few days/weeks/months.
half of my closest friends now, i didn't even know in 2008 before moving to this new job, this new city.

that makes me smile.  that's my reality.