Through the Looking Glass

If one day time were to stop
and the past and present
Collided
And I could see me
the younger me
through the mirror
Looking weary
and worried
and uncertain
about the future
What’s to come?
I would reach my hand through the looking glass
then take my younger me's hand

and say
- Girl, what’s wrong?
You looking for advice

from me?

Sigh.

Pause.

Silence.

And then finally a response

-Fine. Let me tell you

You sure you're ready?

Cause here it go
You don’t know shit
about shit
Nothing
at
all
Not.a.damn.thing.
And everything you think you know
is wrong
Off base
Will prove otherwise
Will make you question everything:
Your God
Your family
Your friends
Your values
Your decisions
Your mistakes
Your wants
Your needs
Your feelings
Your purpose
Your life
Yourself
So
Stop fcuking worrying about it
And while we’re on the subject of fcuking
Don’t fcuk him
Or him
And definitely, for sure don’t waste your time with
that one over there
But most of all
Stop trying to figure it all out

at once
Give it time
S p a c e
Breathing Room
And then wait
'Cause it’s just got to play itself out

But time does not stand still
Continuum
No magic tricks
No time machines
Or looking glasses
Just me staring in the mirror
Full of:
Visible scars
Invisible hurt
Secrets
Contradictions
Questions
Joy
Faith
Love
With a past that can’t be changed
and
an unknown future
Living in present tense

That's my time y'all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

if I could turn back the hands of time....

My life has been good. I’ve seen some good days and I’ve seen some not so good days. I’m sure I sound like an old granny sitting in my rocker remembering my heyday but when contemplating what I would tell my younger self if I could go back in time, I slipped into a sentimental mood. My first thought was to create a little tape that would constantly play in my head of only the most important things I'd need to know...

Don’t slouch. Stand up straight.

Speak strongly. Walk confidently.

Don’t doubt yourself. Love others unconditionally.

Quit studdin’ him. He will never change.

Love your face. It is beautiful.

I wouldn’t steer her/me down a different path. Every choice, for better or worse, has led me to this point. Then I scratched that plan because I know her/me and you can show her/me better than you can tell her/me. I have bumped my head on the same low ceiling fiftyleven times before changing my ways.

But I'd have to say something, just one thing that might sink in. So I would scream this:

The mistake of optimistic people is not in expecting too much of the future but in expecting too little from the present. --Tyler

And that would sum it up. For I’ve been known to speed through life. To be so excited about the next step that I missed the one in front of me. As I drift off to sleep, I often nightdream about some plan I have for the next month or year. When things aren’t going so well, I comfort myself with thoughts of shiny pretty new things. This has served me well, making me a generally agreeable and pleasant person. But I have gotten lost in that sometimes, to the detriment of present day living. The savoring of each moment.

So I'd tell her/me to do that. every second of every minute of every day. That's what I'd tell younger me.

live your life...

After New Year, I played phone tag with a friend (Kenny) who was attempting to exchange niceties. I caught up with him on Friday, and as our conversation evolved he shared a story about a friend (Ronald) who as of today should have relocated 3000 miles away (west coast). And Kenny informed me that besides himself, folks ain't too happy about him leaving. As six degrees of separation would have it, I know Ronald's best friend (Tony).

Apparently, Tony is being selfish. He doesn't want his road dog gone and have to settle for phone calls. Now Tony and Ronald are both parents, so I must add that Tony is worried about the welfare of Ronald's child. Last time I checked Ronald is a grown man. But apparently for Tony that's not enough, he is downright pissy.

Now, there is a lil' more to the story.

Ronald didn't relocate because of his job, it's because of a women. A young one I might add but age ain't nothin' but a number?, so with no family or friends on the west coast...Ronald put up his deuces sought a transfer with his job and said peace to the homies!
And men, think only women are emotional?!? Ha!
I also must add, that Ronald has never really ventured out of his home turf until he met Tony. Traveling and such is a new phenomenon for him. I reminded Kenny to inform Tony, that if it doesn't work out he'll come back east. And in the meantime,they can purchase plane tickets to vacation in a place where the sun and palm tress are plentiful. I really don't see the problem with Ronald living a little.

Even if Ronald living a little, may be initially perceived as stupid, naive, etc... He's living and in my book that's all that counts. You only live once, so you must live life to the fullest. Try as hard you can, not to have regrets! cue Rihanna...

"so live your life..."

cheers,

Bellini

If I Knew Then...

Every now and then I wonder how different my life would be today if I had known all the things that I know now…then. Then sometimes being yesterday, last year or many years ago. Not saying that I have regrets in my life, because I am a firm believer in que sera sera, so whatever will be will be… but let’s just say that things weren’t; and I had the chance and maybe a time machine to school the younger and at times dumber versions of myself…what would I say?

Hmmmm.

Well I think the first order of business would be to tell 10-year old me to get my parents hip to the words Microsoft and the Internet. I’m sure they would have looked at me sideways, but I was pretty convincing as a child, especially when our fortune, well let me rephrase that, especially if we had the opportunity to amass a fortune. I’m sure once I knew what was at stake I could have easily explained super highways with computers talking to each other through an intricate network of phone lines.

With fortune amassed I don’t think I would have to tell myself anything else…because I would be rich b*tch! Okay I’m kidding.

But seriously, I would have to tell myself that life ain’t no crystal stair. That in this life I am going to have some setbacks even though a lot of things came easy to me with little effort on my part. I will have to learn that most things worth having require effort. I just can’t say f-it and let things be because I feel like being lazy.

Then, I would have to tell myself to never ever EVER let mama Amaretto cut my hair. I had a jacked up hair cut in middle school that no amount of hot curling or slicking back could conceal the ugliness that was my coif. I’d have to get her a baby doll to see what things she had in her scissor happy mind first!

I would also have to tell myself to ask more questions. Not to the point of being like an annoying 2-year old and on some why is the sky blue sh*t. But maybe if I had asked certain people who I gave my heart to what their intentions were, maybe I would have cried a lot less. Maybe I wouldn’t have tiptoed into the world of depression. Maybe not gone through a period of wondering if I was good enough to be loved… Maybe if I had known to ask questions instead of going with the flow…then maybe something would have been different.

And then on some index cards that I could carry around, I would tell myself to:
save my money. laugh as much and as loud as possible.
Remember credit is worse than cash while in college. not to rush to get older. cherish the time spent with older relatives. Stop wearing jeans that are too small-its stupid, even if they are cute try something before I say I don’t like it. I would tell myself to stop being afraid of failing, of hurting or being wrong. I would tell myself to live my life to the fullest, and have fun determining what fullest means to me.

But most importantly, I would tell myself to really reiterate the words Microsoft and the Internet to my parents! Gates, Gore and Amaretto Jenkins! *sigh* If only I had known...

See You In Seven

Tea Party Discussion

It is that time again when everyone starts reflecting on the past year and looking forward to the New Year. And although I am not one for making resolutions, I do think of the New Year as a time to start fresh and a new. With my birthday right around the corner, I tend to always look back my younger selves and what made me so happy then.

Years ago someone told me that a part of being youthful was keeping the aspects of your life that truly made you happy as child alive as you get older. I try to implement this everyday but at the beginning of the year, especially around my birthday, I start to look back and see if there is anything that I might have neglected over the past year. Because even though you want to hold on to your youthful nature, you are suppose to wiser as you get older. (Warning not always the case for everyone…chuckle)

Anyway if I could have it my way, I would have a tea party the first Sunday of every year and invite my younger selves. This year the attendees would be me @ 17, me @ 22 and me now. Kind of like what probably goes on in Tara’s (from United States of Tara) head, when Tara is asleep. We all would nibble on different tea sandwiches while we chat about men, life, love, music, art and fashion.

Me @ 22, would talk about how life is about sacrifice and try to justify the career decisions she was making. She would go on and on about love and how fulfilling it is. And Me @ 17 and Me Now would be baffled by this talk and question where the real me went. Unlike Me Now, Me @ 17 would challenge this mentality. Me @ 17 is somewhat narrow-minded but she sure would remind both Me @ 22 and Me Now what is means to be true to myself.

I would like to think Me Now would be the leader of the tea party discussion but the truth is Me Now would have so much more to learn from Me @ 17 and Me @ 22. I honestly don’t think Me Now is old enough to pass on that much knowledge to the adult Mes of the past. Try me in ten more years. (chuckle)

With that said, what would we say to each other? Me @ 17 would voice disappointment. She would encourage Me Now to live life, do things that I enjoy; paint more at all costs. Me @ 22 would urge me to love again, put the past behind me like before and move forward. And Me Now would thank Me @ 17 and Me @ 22. Tell them that a lot of little compromises could put me completely off track so stay focused. We all would agree that too much alcohol is never good, at least one guilty pleasure is a must and to love everyone for who they are and not what they do for you.

It will be interesting to see what Me @ 30 and Me @40 would have to say...I can't wait.

Much luv until next week…peace :)