I Miss You Much?

The problem with people is that they can get used to anything.
-Patrick Swayze, On his show The Beast

So, I’ve never actually seen this new Swayze show, but they kept playing this one scene in the previews. And every time he said it, I would think to myself, that is soo daggone true. I mean I for one have always wondered how come slaves in South Carolina for instance didn’t have a mass revolt when they made up 80% of the population. But as usual I digress.

But the statement is truth -you can get used to anything. Excellence, beauty, good, indifference, subpar, bad, ugly, real ugly. Being held in chains. Drinking out of different water fountains. Fried fish in the caf every Friday. Sitting at the back of the bus. Living from check to check. Getting your ass beat just because it’s Tuesday. Or to take it to an even simpler, more basic level, just being around someone.

There is something about a person coming into our lives and taking up space and making us feel all good and stuff. It gets nice. And comfortable. And easy, breezy, beautiful Cover girl. But then like everyone’s favorite prophet, Erkyah Badussy say, “one day, he gon’ say, you crowding my space.” And as often happens, they will politely escort you out of his (or her for you male readers out there) life. And you'll be out in the cold, standing on the sidewalk like, DAYUM! But I liked you. Or at least you thought you liked them. Or maybe you just liked that they filled a void of loneliness. Emptiness. Horniness. Whateverness that you needed filled at that particular time in yo’ life.

Of course you don’t get this, ‘maybe they really weren’t that good for me anyway’ moment of clarity until much, much later. Cause when they are first saying ‘thanks for playing, but I have decided to go in another direction with my life or (even worse) with someone else’, you are done, son. Upset! On some, ‘oh no they di’nt!’ I know they’re not trying to get rid of me! Don’t they know how fine I am? How fly I am? How good I am? I am the shyt. And they must know. When you’re in this part of the grieving process, all types of wrong, ignant, things can happen. But we shan’t go there today…

And then come the questions: what am I going to do now? Now that they’re not here? How will I make it through? Who will I talk to now for hours on end about absolutely nothing? Who can I go to these shows and movies and dinners and outings with? Or better yet, who is going to pay for me to go to these shows and movies and dinners and outings? Who can I call now when I need some late night lovin? And on...

And then the urges. Cause now you sittin’ in the house bored as hell. The urge to call and just see what they’re up to. To send a nice lil’, friendly, how you doin’, maybe we should link up sometime email. To invite them to a show you know they would love to see. To send that late, late night text, inviting them over for one last, last, last time, for uh, some milk and cookies. To sit outside their house and see what time they come into the house and who they wit. Ok, I’m kidding with that last one. Or am I? No, I am.

It’s a devastating occurrence. Or at least it feels that way when you’re in the midst. Because as human beings we can/do/will get attached. Some quicker than others. But for most of us, when we didn’t even realize we were. Thinking we putting up brick walls. That it’s just sex. That you can just shake ‘em off. Oh what fools us mortals be. In truth when you have spent an ample amount of time with someone, gotten to know them on some level, given up a part of yourself to another person - whether it was on a physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual level, when that person is gone, when that feeling they brought you when they were around is gone, there is a void. You can’t deny it. Well you can, but you ain’t foolin nobody.

Cause the truth is you will miss them. You will miss it. You will miss whatever it is you thought it was at the time. You will mourn it. You will be angry about it. You will try to get it back. You will be frustrated. And it will suck. And you will wonder how you’ll make it through when they’re not around to give you [fill in your own blank here]. How will you move on? But then somewhere in there, in between actin a fool and backslidin, you put one foot in front of the other and get to walking, and start looking past that person and towards greater possibilities. And you learn you can live without them. You can get used to a life without them. That’s the thing about people…

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

holding back tears

when i became a public defender i figured it would be really emotional. dealing with people who are locked away from their families on a daily basis can wear on you. back in my law school clinical course, we imagined what it would be like to be a public defender and pontificated about the caring side of the work. how you might get emotionally attached to your clients. how there would be days when you would want to cry. and i always thought that if this job did make me want to cry, that urge wouldn't come until i got home, under the covers, in the dark, with donny hathaway singing "young gifted and black". then i'd cry. about how helpless i felt. the revolving jail house doors. the feeling of treading water and never getting anywhere, never making any headway with my clients or changing their lives.

i didn't think that i would want to cry in the middle of a crowded courtroom as i stood before the judge with my client as he was found guilty of loving his children too much. in spite of the law. but last night that's just what i felt. i had to bite my lip to keep the tears from spilling out.

my client was charged with violating a protective order, a minor offense that carries up to 6 months in jail. under the letter of the law, he had violated the order which provided that he not contact his wife or 2 young daughters by phone or mail without the court's permission (although he was allowed to have supervised visits with the children 3 times per week). but by the spirit of the law what he had done was understandable and arguably justifiable. while incarcerated in an immigration facility awaiting deportation, he had written one last letter, a goodbye to his oldest daughter. he had gotten word that his daughter was doing poorly in school during his five month incarceration and wanted to encourage her to do better in school despite his absence. he wanted his child to know that he loved her.

so he sent a letter to her at her church school, care of his pastor. and that letter violated the protective order. so as we stood there, the judge pronounced him guilty, noting that he was "forced to do so" given that my client had written the letter, a clear violation. the judge offered a few pacifying words about understanding why my client wrote the letter but that the court had to enforce the order. the judge then looked to my client and asked him if he wanted to say anything.

my client talked about his love for his children and how he didn't know when he would see them again. how close he and the daughter were and how he wanted her not to make a bad turn in her life because of him, his absence. so he considered his interests against his child's interests and decided that he had to write the letter in order to let her know that he loved her and wanted the best for her.

and that's when i wanted to cry. who wouldn't shed a tear at that? no matter what this man had done to his wife, if her allegations of abuse hold true, his love for his kids is genuine.

in the end, my client didn't get the 6 months and instead got 30 days which he had already served. he was happy with what i had done for him. but who knows what will happen to him. he could very well be right back in an immigration facility based on this new conviction. i just hope his daughters know what he went through for them.

history in the making....

Tuesday mid-day during the rainy day, as I munched on corn on the cob for lunch --
I found myself moved by this...

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In Good Times and Bad Times

When I was a little girl I had a certain vision for my life...

• I was going to go to and graduate from college
• I was going to start my career and be awesome
• I was going to marry the man I loved
• I was going to have a least 1 of my 2.5 kids

And I was going to do all of this by the time I was 30 and in that order! Ladies and lone gentleman please hold your applause...

Because by the time I was 20, the first step in my master plan pretty much when up in smoke, through a series of random events beyond my control...and I was therefore left looking at a life that I never expected and was unsure how I was going to live it!

Are you thinking So What Amaretto? Well here's the what...

From the time I was 20 and definitely all up and through the worst year of my life that was 2005 (check my April 14th post), there has been a seismic shift in how I view myself and this one life that I am allowed to live. I feel that everyone is going to experience some sort of setback (or setbacks) that will force us to reassess who we is and who we ain't. Looking back on my journals (aka diaries) I am shocked at the person that I twas. I really defined myself by material things. That if somehow I had da house, car, degree and money in the bank that I was someone successful, blessed and highly favored. Ha ha ha...what a foolish young lady Amaretto was.

And I can only call myself a fool because now I have gone through some stuff. I have gone through changes that had me wondering why these no good rotten things seemed to happen to me and me alone! The changes that had me crying at night or sometimes in the bathroom at work. The changes that had me drinking glasses of haterade because someone I knew was living their life like it was golden accomplishing great things while I felt stuck.


But throughout all these changes and turnarounds...it wasn't all bad. I truly was blessed to have people in my life who were constants my equation while I attempted to solve for the Y's in my life. I know, why so mushy, but I tend to get reflective when it's my birthday time and I realize another year has passed and I can see how so much has changed for from a mere 365 days ago. And while it hasn't all been good, just knowing that my friends have been cheering, supporting, praying for and encouraging my success is a blessing beyond anything I could have ever imagined for myself as a child.

I know there are many folks out here struggling in these days and times. Or wondering WTF happened to their life? Or how come they ain't got this or that... and believe me I wish I knew the answer or the reason. But I can say that it won't be that way forever. Even though my life is not what I envisioned or expected it's still been pretty freakin' awesome thanks to the peoples I've been blessed to call friends. When things get tough, we don't need legions of people to cry too. In the good times and in the bad times, that's what friends are for. Everyone has been blessed with one.

See You In Seven

Courvoisier and the Grapes

H-A-P-P-Y B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y A-M-A-R-E-T-T-O!!!!

HAPPY MEMORIAL EVERYBODY ELSE, I hope that you are as fortunate as me to spend my holiday weekend with three VERY cool women (Amaretto, Bellini and Rum Punch to be specific).

Anyway, I was wondering if you could help me solve a problem. Usually Courvoisier, has some idea what the correct response to every difficult scenario but this one I am not so sure...

Okay so where do I start, long story or short... I will tell the short, heck it is memorial day. Long story short, I'm chillin at a cookout and I notice people are snacking on some grapes.

No biggy you say?

Well, it is a biggy if you paid $10 for these grapes in anticipation of eating them next morning for breakfast. So what do you do? Okay, step one, no assumptions. I am not going to assume that those are my grapes. Let's find my grapes. Ut oh, I can't find MY grapes. IT IS MY GRAPES! (chuckle) What do I do?

I mean could I really be mad, that everybody is munching on my super sweet seedless grapes that I didn't even get to taste? I mean it is free for all if you rest something in the kitchen at a cookout. (sigh)

But why do I feel like the fox in the Fox and the Grapes Aesops fable? (chuckle) I know it is not exactly the same thing... but dang it, I want to scream to the top of my lungs, "Those grapes weren't sweet anyway!"

Much luv and sweet grapes until next week... peace :)