O Brother, Where Art Thou?

My little younger (because he is over 6 feet tall) brother and I got into an argument the other night. Like a for real, voices raised argument. This is kind of a big deal because we rarely argue and were taught as youngsters not to yell at each other. This, I realized is why when other people argue all loud – I get really uncomfortable and just want to disappear, but that is not the point of this post.

The point is that I just wanted one simple thing – for my brother to take me to the airport next week. And he said no. And I don’t be taking the word ‘no’ so well. (Yes, I'ma take this single, carefree, girl, do you' time and work on that. Maybe. Heh.) Especially not from family who I lean and depend on lots. So then he went into this whole, “you need to ask other people to help you do things because I may not always be here (like in the area here - not, not alive here) and then what you gon’ do?” But what he really meant was: you need to call one of those nigs you tell me be taking you to dinner and such and make them put their money where their mouth is. And other clichés.And then I was like, “well you bet not ask me for nuffin.” And then he said, “what do I ever ask you for?”

Which shut my mouth. Cause ummm…he doesn’t really ask me for anything. And then I got to thinking what do men ask women for? To do for them? I mean beside the obvious. Huzzah!

I mean no man is going to ask me to come put this couch together (which I asked one to do), or help me clean my basement and take this heavy stuff to the trash can (which I have also done), oh and can you go ahead and change these light bulbs that are allll the way up there and maybe wash my car real quick?

Honestly, I have a very hard time asking for help. From anyone. Period. I really don’t like for other people who are not family to go out of their “way” to do things for me. Yes, it is somewhat cray cray when you think about how long I have known the people in my life and I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. And people who I’m only quasi-cool with ask me to do seemingly random things for them and I usually comply if I can – so yeah it’s probably something else I should work on. But…That said, I really try to minimize my asking of men folk to do things, because…

Well because like Courvoisier brought up on Monday, once we get grown, men and women are never really just “friends” - so knowing this, and because I try to be a decent human being, I feel some typa way about inviting a nig over just so he can mow my lawn or spackle my wall or help me paint the living room. Cause I know, I just know that he ain’t coming over just out the goodness of his heart. And here he is probably thinking he’s building up credit, waiting for the right moment to strike and meanwhile I’m just glad someone else is doing the work I don't wanna do. At all.

Cause let's keep it real and funky, I am only an I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T woman by default. In the other life that I live in my head, I strongly believe in the separation of labor. Men do the heavy lifting and take out the trash. When they are around – I mean I do take out my own trash - hence the real life default setting. But no man wants to be used just for his muscles. I’m guessing of course. But I would liken it to the way I wouldn’t want to be used just for what I got ‘tween my legs.

But I think the reason, the real reason I went off on my brother, was because he hit me where it hurts. Made me think about the what ifs? What if there ain’t neva no other nig who loves me enough that I can call on him? And ask him if he could come over and _______? Put together this table. Or take me to the airport. Or kill the spider up above my head. Or pump the gas – all the time. And do most of the driving. Or unclog the toilet. Or shovel this snow. Or rub my feet cause it's Tuesday. What if it’s just me, always depending on my brother, then he gets married and has kids, and they [reluctantly] move me in the house and I’m like the crazy auntie they keep upstairs and slide meals to like in Soul Food?

Yes, the mind is a terrible thing to let run free. But I’m just saying. Right now my younger brother is all I got. And even that gravy train might be pulling away from the station. Especially if keep coming with all these mashed potatoes, smothered chicken, and Thanksgiving sized turkey requests. (Sidenote why did I recently ask my granny why white people's gravy is always white. She was like, "I'ont know. I don't think they use no drippins. Heh.) Sigh. Oh well. Guess if push comes to shove, there's always this place.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

This song is giving me life right now! I love me some Bilal! I love that this is in black and white! I love that he's singing w/ no mic and his voice fills the room and is so clear and crisp! And I really love that there is absolutely nooo, nothing from the audience. Not a whisper. Not a giggle. Not a 'that boy is sangin' good' moan. Nuffin. It's like everyone is mesmerized. Captivated. In awe. Like literally holding they breath, taking it in, enjoying the beauty, and thinking it over.

keep it on the down low?

i've been having these debates about relationships that lead to the questions, the questions cause that's what it's all about. (plus i can't muster a "real" post to save my life.)  this week's question:

would you say something to your homegirl if the man she was dating seemed gay to you?

and now for the twists:

would it matter if he was flaming or just suspect?
would it matter if she introduced him to you before the first date or after she had made him her boo?
would it matter how close you were to her?
would it matter if you just suspected he was gay or would you have to have "proof" of his sexuality?

would you want our friends to tell you if they thought the man you were dating was gay?

The Kind Friends I Like...

I know I usually drop a line or two on Monday but I just couldn't resist the urge to post about some happenings this morning. Why at 29 I am actually experiencing the words of my mother be clearful you choose to be friends with... (smh) Over the years, I have learned that is all about your exposure and experiences. These two things tend to effect your outlook, perspective and mindset. Somehow I have managed to straddle in between two worlds and now I am about to jump heavily into the next... this is craziness!

This morning, one of my facebook friends received the following comment on his photo:

(Beep) what did you do to show yourself sum love. I heard u got sum oooowwweee.lol your daughter is cute and got big. I hope (Beep) out again,thats my nigger. they aint have no f_king evidence fars i was concern. I feel bad for (Beep) but he needed a job. And thats my man anyway I always liked (Beep) as a friend. And besides he cool is sh!t. Whats good though? u been to your mom crib lately? And scens my girlfriend? I been hearing some stories,but havent ran into her yet...

WOW! Is all I could say to myself. Dude? Don't get me wrong, my facebook friend tries to do the right thing and is respectable dude but really? What is up with your boy? (sigh) Is this everyday conversation? According to my friend it is. Well chil' pleaze... not mine. (smh)

Rewind to last night, chilling with my studio mates, one of which is a chef. YUMMY! And I am telling her about how GREAT it is to have my sister staying with me because she throws down the meals and it is like having your own personal chef. Now I know she does personal chef services so I ask her how does her service work. She says well, "I send out a menu of 8 full course dishes..." (I am talking about 1 protein and two sides.) "You choose 5 meals and I cook and deliver them to you on Monday evening." Is that right personal chef? Hmm... let me see that menu. OMG !!! The MENU... I was like and when is this distributed. She says every Friday. I am officially a client yall! I am going to start next month. Besides the fact that she supports the same farmers and butchers that I do. Her clients similar to myself always traveling have experienced tremendous health benefits. It will be nice to expand my palette.

She works Sunday preparing and Monday cooking and when I did the math for 10 customers (10 servings) I was like that is not bad for two days work. No wonder you can stay home all the time with the new baby. NOW that is the type of friend I want in my circle. SMART ones whose everyday life seeks to make a good living off of doing the simple things.

Rewind it back a bit more. A lady that I work with who is a bit older than myself has been taking weekend trips for almost 8 years. SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Every weekend, Wednesday or Thursday she decides where she is going. Packs a bag and is OUT! Say what?! Teach me new friend teach me how to do this? Forget about the Dougie! (chuckle) She said "I am going to take you when I go to London in a few weeks, I am in need of underwear and music. We can use my frequent flyer miles." Who me? are you serious?!? Say what?! She speaks six languages and last weekend was in San Fran for a friend exhibit opening. I could do that... (chuckle) So I do the math... hmmm. I could work my way up to this in a year or two. Her motto is... life is TOO short!

WOW! These are the kind people I want in my circle. Expose me to the finer things... Teach me how you do it. I want my Facebook comments to be like, "I loved the Edamame Succotash last week!" or "How was San Fran?" A full life. I am on it.

These women aren't much older than I am. It is definitely something to think about and my lifestyle could stand to learn a thing or two from them. I probably won't adopt theirs but maybe I will learn how they bought their vacation home (deep sigh) or quit their jobs to go live in Italy for a year or two. (sigh) I am truly fascinated.


P.S. Race is not a factor here people... so don't go assuming they are all of a certain race. And none of these women are ballers... they will tell you themselves. Or maybe we have two different definitions... who knows. (chuckle)

Much luv until next week.... peace :)





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Friending on Facebook

Like with any online activity, idividual users determine rules of conduct on the way they will behave. That is no different with Facebook.

I personally have one rule, I don't friend people I don't know. Some people I swear just go through their friend's friend list and befriend whoever is cute. I get this... but people, you can't really get to know someone on Facebook. But if you catch me on the right day, I might accept just to check out your pics then unfriend you without you even knowing. (chuckle)

This simple rule stops me from befriending people I met online or some person that saw me at a happy hour and would rather say wassup under the cover of the internet. URGH! (chuckle) It also stops me from befriending dudes I met during a brief time on an online dating site who I have yet to meet in person. (chuckle)

Anyway just recently, I had to get a little more specific with my general rule. I mean you tell me what you would do under these circumstances?

Do you friend your mom or her friends? I say "Yes to my mom and yes to her friends, especially if I consider them close or if I am friends with their kids" I am a grown-a$$ woman... I live a respectable life. (chuckle)

Which leads me to the next scenario, should I friend my friend's mom, if I never met her? Um... sorry, I defer to rule number 1. If I don't know you. No access.

Access, yes. Do you grant this to your ex-husband? I would like to say "Hell-to-the nah!" But you are friends with his friends... good point. Let's leave it at if he don't ask I won't. (chuckle) I am not trying to increase my friend count.

What about married couples you know, are you friends with both of them? Not in all cases. So to my married friends, if I only know your parnter in the context of you and met them once or twice under couple event circumstances... chances are we are not going to be FB best buds.

And how does your rule treat co-workers? Touchy one. I try to keep it to ones whose cell phone numbers are in my phone and we hang outside of work. However, I did have someone from work request friendship and when I didn't reply in what he would deem enough time approach me about it. Are you serious? I had to let him know to his face, if you have to ask me about it like it is a big deal maybe we shouldn't be friends. Be eas-Z, wee-Z! (chuckle)

Of course this ALL my opinion, so in the same token you can lay with whomever you please... I can friend who I choose ;)

Much luv and nothing but art in 2010... peace:)

Studio track throwback... "It ain't hard to tell, I excel, then prevail..."

words of wisdom for road weary women

over the weekend, i got into one of my bi-monthly funks.  you know how you just get annoyed with everything and everybody.  on saturday i was kinda feelin that way.  i was a lil sick and tired of living the single life.  f' what you heard. sometimes a woman needs the comfort of a man.  not sporadically but every day of the week.  to come home to.  to build with.  to pour all your love into.  or at least to accompany you to the late night spot to dance to ?uestlove on the turntables until the sun comes up.  i'm just sayin...

i see you over there giving me the side eye like, isn't this the same chick who a few weeks ago was talking that "single women ought to stop focusing on the ring, the dress, the flowers, the chapel, the status, the "married" box on applications, age, mamanem, being the last one, a house full of cats, dying alone, and all those other foolish images that spring into their heads when they get all worked up about not being married....and DO YOU!"

yes that was me.  and i still believe that women shouldn't be hunting marriage for marriage's sake.  marriage aint all its cracked up to be.  and what snapped me outta my funk this weekend was a call from a male friend of mine.  he got married this past june and is now feeling like his marriage is falling apart.  as i listened to him vent i had a couple of thoughts:

what that got to do wit me?

damn gina....you aint made it 6 months!!

ima need people to stop, look, pray, & discuss before they leap into marriage 

after talking to him, i let out a long sigh of relief.  despite all the challenges of being single, at least i don't have the headache of being legally tied to someone who i'm having second thoughts about sharing the rest of my life with.

and then, as i  usually do when i need to vent, i talked to rum punch about it and she made me feel soo much better.

me: yeah, ima just gon head and be single for [insert indefinite time period here] 
rum punch: lmao, that really made me laugh

me: craziness all around

rum punch: well you'll be single, until you’re not single cause someone worth your time will make u not wanna be single :-)

words to live by!

What Happened to the Art of Communication?

Last week, I got a FB friend request from a handsome guy in Florida whose name I didn't recognize. This happened right after giving my friend a speech about requesting friendships of strangers that she thought was attractive, just because they were a friend of a friend. Well, here I am considering accepting this friendship request because he is kind of cute. What if I just accept to see his pictures and read his FB status diary... "No" she said.

Oops too late, I already did. (chuckle) Now, usually I don't accept stranger requests but I was super curious about this one and after looking at the pictures. It couldn't hurt if he was a friend. (chuckle)

Never been a fan of meeting strangers online or online dating, this was bound to be interesting. So I took the first initiative and sent him an email with the subject line "Do I know you?"

He replies "sorry no resaon to be on kine. hope you have a nice weekend be safe"

What?!? Is that English? Little pet peeve here, maybe he is sending this message from a phone but even still... so I respond with proper English in hopes that he does the same.

" OH... okay. Just asking.
Same to you... enjoy your weekend :)"

He replies, "i just feel a bit shame the way you said it. but its kool because am always kool are a nice person wear are you from?"

I am done. This person has been de-friended. Are you kidding me? We don't know each other and you want the only impression of you to be someone who can't type a sentence. I was done... 'wear' instead of 'where' took me there. (chuckle)

Much luv until next week... peace :)

P.S. This is definitely a good time for NY... go hard Brooklyn, smooches to Harlem and it's all good Queens.

In Good Times and Bad Times

When I was a little girl I had a certain vision for my life...

• I was going to go to and graduate from college
• I was going to start my career and be awesome
• I was going to marry the man I loved
• I was going to have a least 1 of my 2.5 kids

And I was going to do all of this by the time I was 30 and in that order! Ladies and lone gentleman please hold your applause...

Because by the time I was 20, the first step in my master plan pretty much when up in smoke, through a series of random events beyond my control...and I was therefore left looking at a life that I never expected and was unsure how I was going to live it!

Are you thinking So What Amaretto? Well here's the what...

From the time I was 20 and definitely all up and through the worst year of my life that was 2005 (check my April 14th post), there has been a seismic shift in how I view myself and this one life that I am allowed to live. I feel that everyone is going to experience some sort of setback (or setbacks) that will force us to reassess who we is and who we ain't. Looking back on my journals (aka diaries) I am shocked at the person that I twas. I really defined myself by material things. That if somehow I had da house, car, degree and money in the bank that I was someone successful, blessed and highly favored. Ha ha ha...what a foolish young lady Amaretto was.

And I can only call myself a fool because now I have gone through some stuff. I have gone through changes that had me wondering why these no good rotten things seemed to happen to me and me alone! The changes that had me crying at night or sometimes in the bathroom at work. The changes that had me drinking glasses of haterade because someone I knew was living their life like it was golden accomplishing great things while I felt stuck.


But throughout all these changes and turnarounds...it wasn't all bad. I truly was blessed to have people in my life who were constants my equation while I attempted to solve for the Y's in my life. I know, why so mushy, but I tend to get reflective when it's my birthday time and I realize another year has passed and I can see how so much has changed for from a mere 365 days ago. And while it hasn't all been good, just knowing that my friends have been cheering, supporting, praying for and encouraging my success is a blessing beyond anything I could have ever imagined for myself as a child.

I know there are many folks out here struggling in these days and times. Or wondering WTF happened to their life? Or how come they ain't got this or that... and believe me I wish I knew the answer or the reason. But I can say that it won't be that way forever. Even though my life is not what I envisioned or expected it's still been pretty freakin' awesome thanks to the peoples I've been blessed to call friends. When things get tough, we don't need legions of people to cry too. In the good times and in the bad times, that's what friends are for. Everyone has been blessed with one.

See You In Seven

the buddy and the booty

brown sugar is one of my all-time fav movies. once you get pass the corny and oft-repeated metaphor that hip-hop = syd & dre's love for each other, it's a great romantic comedy for the ybf crowd. i love watching the tension between syd and dre as they each try to find love with someone else when they know that they are meant for each other. i never understood how a man and a woman who are such good friends decide that for the sake of their friendship they can't be together romantically. i personally feel that the best love relationships are built on great friendships because when things start to sag and your physical desires for each other wane, you need the friendship and mutual respect to keep you goin.

i happened upon a psuedo syd and dreover at the cosbykids blog the other day. two of the bloggers on the site also happen to be platonic male and female friends. they recently made their cases about how men and women can be platonic friends, why they are "just friends" and how they could never be together.

he said:

For those who do not know, Denise is my best friend in real life. We have been best friends since around 2005…Denise is my source of mental encouragement, support, and rejuvenation…Denise can always tell me how a woman feels, and I can use this when dating. Also, when I am sick, Denise always babies me to make me feel better. Denise can tell me what I look nice in and what I don’t, help me pick out cologne, and when my homeboy does not want to hear it, be the shoulder that I can whine and complain too …I expect a lifelong friendship with Denise, and I am not willing to jeopardize that. I am totally different as a boyfriend than I am as a friend…

she said

After this conversation, we were inseperable. It’s almost an indescribable relationship/friendship. To try to explain our friendship would not do it justice. Like Bud stated, we finish each other’s sentences, Bud’s shoulder is my hankie. There is very little that we don’t know about each other. In addition, on average Bud and I converse at least four times a day…With all of this being said, and now that you have a complete picture of our friendship, I can now address Bud’s frivolous article from yesterday. Sorry to play devils advocate – but Bud, cut the crap! For Bud to say that he has never thought about us as more than friends would be an omission of truth. Men naturally suppress their feelings….As Bud will be the Best Man at my wedding, and I, the flower girl at his. ... I can only hope that the person God places in my life, my better half, is as equally great as Bud.…I can only hope that the person God places in my life, my better half, is as equally great as Bud.

these are just snippets from their general arguments. and who am i to argue with folks expressing they feelings. but as i have said time and again, it's nearly impossible for men and women to be platonic friends. one of the two is gonna have more feelings than the other. one is gonna wish and hope that one day they could be more than friends and they are just biding their time until it happens or they are horribly and unbelievably devastated by the other when they marry someone else, like Reese or fine ass Kelby Dawson.

it may take a while but if you're such good a friends as alladat (c) rum punch, if you're each other's go to person in a crisis (spouse or significant other be damned) then y'all should at least take a stab at makin it work. syd and dre did. i love it when he's standing in the booth lookin at her longingly and he says "i don't wanna be friends no more" drops the phone and comes over for the embrace....

me thinks that these male/female best friends things usually up the same way. what say you?

let it all go

I’ve never been one to hold a grudge (for too long). In part because my memory tends to be a bit shaky and I’m liable to forget what the heck you did six months from now. Partly because I like to think happy thoughts, floating along in a semi-comatose dream-like state. Reminiscing on the past, the beautiful rainbow-colored memories of happier times. Or fantasizing about the future and what joyous things lay in store around the next bend. Somewhere in there I try to come back down to earth just long enough to function and carry out my mundane tasks with a semblance of normalcy.

Oh yes, grudges were what I was talking about. Like I said, I don’t too much care for them. They get in the way of me being my idealistic happy-go-lucky self. Cause there is so much work in schlepping that grudge around from day to day. Not only do you have to remember the wrongs done, but you have to paint a sour face and disposition over an otherwise rosy demeanor, you have to rehash the sins of said friends and family against whom you're holding that grudge to anyone who will listen and declare how wrong the person was for doin’ you dirt.

You have to actively forget all the good times that went down. The countless occasions ya’ll laughed till you cried, waited 5 minutes and laughed again about the same silliness. All the times ya’ll rode bikes around the neighborhood and explored new cul-de-sacs, the houses that you picked out as yours when you got grown enough to be buy it for yourself. You have to think the worst of someone, when thinking the best may come so naturally. You have to believe that people are out to get you instead of understanding that everyone has a slip in judgment every now and again.

I can readily call to mind the times and ways I felt I’ve been wronged, had an “oh no that be-yotch didn’t!” moment and thought to myself why even bother, I mean really why even have friends if they will disappoint you and destroy the faith that you had in the goodness of them. If they will wash away years of trust, as if they have no idea about your character such that they would think the worst of you or do the suckiest stuff to you. Why get close to people if they won’t allow you to do you in a way that doesn’t harm them, instead silently judging you or doing things that "force" you to judge them?

Why indeed?

Cause sometimes your friends can be worse than your enemies, straight hatin’ ass, not worth a damn mofos, making you just want to cut a sucker from ear to ear. They know all your secrets and all your business. So when your friends f’ you over, it is especially hurtful. But like I said, I don’t hold a grudge. I let it marinate for a day or two but I get over it cause I know I’ve done some not so nice things in my life and I would hope that others would forgive my transgressions as well. Of course I don’t forget either, keeping things stored in my memory bank and be quick to send a "bitch please" with a side of "hell naw" your way the next time you step outta line.

But if you don’t let it go, at least releasing that deathly chokehold you have on that grudge, then you’ll soon find yourself with no friends since everyone will make a mistake at some point in time. You will be one lonely bastard with no one who loves you and a grudge the size of the Grand Canyon preventing you from loving others. Life would suck for you because you’d have no one there to tell you that dress is not a good look for your body type. No one to travel across the country or across the world with, just you, yourself and you in a five star hotel cause you couldn’t pay a friend to travel with you since you'd have none. No one to escape the plantation with when the time came for freedom cause no one woulda clued you in to the revolution.

We reach out to others in friendship, in love, as an attempt to be connected to some thing in this world other than ourselves. –mint julep

We love as soon as we learn to distinguish a separate you and me. Love is our attempt to assuage the terror and isolation of that separateness. –Judith Viorst

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. –1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Show some love today and let go of that grudge!

The Young and Restless Impatiently Waiting As The World Turns

Here I am waiting.

Just waiting.

Anticipating a chance to run into you.

I sit here for hours.

I'd be content to just sit here and talk to you.

In my dreams you love me and me only.

The way you kiss me and hold me.

Love is what I search and search to find.

But until then I'll just dream for the meantime.

- Outside Your Door, Me'shell Ndegeocello

My homegirl who lives in Atlanta came to visit this weekend. She and I met while living in the same dorm during our freshman year of college and have been cool ever since. I had a ball reminiscing about old times and swapping stories about new ones with her. We stayed up 'til the wee hours of the morning sipping, smoking, eating, chilling, kicking it...

And male bashing.

Ouuuuuccccchhhhhh! Those words are painful to my eyes and ears! I am also ashamed for engaging in such behavior. It's so not my style. There are specific brothers [and sisters] who I may speak about in a not so nice manner depending on their individual stories. But I am not the kind of chick to sit around singing the woe-is-me-good-men-are-hard-to-find song. However, this weekend my homegirl and one of her male suitors got the best of me.

My homegirl, let's call her Mary, didn't come all the way to DC just to see me. The primary cause of her visit was to come see a friend of hers preach. Her friend, who we'll refer to as Joseph, was a guest speaker at church in my neck of the woods and Mary came to show her boo some support. Yes I called him her boo... A spade is a spade. You'll understand in a minute.

Joseph attended college in the same town as Mary and I; we met him during freshman year while attending a gym jam at his school. They dated for a bit during those undergrad years and went their separate ways after graduation, but have always kept in touch. Fast forward a lil' bit... Mary was engaged to be married but she and her fiance broke it off January of this year. The fiance was on some bullshit [we can explore some other time]; luckily Mary didn't marry the sucker before finding out he was not the one.

Joseph also lives in Georgia, but he's a couple of hours away from Atlanta. On many occasions recently, Mary has traveled to see ole' boy speak. Now she has mentioned him to me in conversation, but I didn't realize until this weekend that they were seeing each other. This past Saturday was Joseph's birthday and Mary told him she was coming to DC to celebrate with him. I think her plan was to spend one day with me and the next with him.

Mary and I spoke Saturday morning to confirm her travel info. I was going to scoop her from the airport that evening; we would chill and she was spending the night at my crib. I asked about the location of the church where Joseph was speaking at on Sunday and told her I didn't mind accompanying her there. I figured they'd probably spend the rest of the day together so we'd split at the church. Well she didn't know the name or location of the church but said she would contact Joseph to find out. By the time I picked her up from the airport, she still had not spoken to brotherman and he had not called. She told me she texted him upon her arrival but he had not responded.

Sunday morning, we still had not heard from Joseph. We decided to sleep in because we went to bed very late the night before. By the time we finished brunch ('round 3PM), still no word from her boo. I could see the anguish on her face and even I was questioning what the hell was wrong with this fool. The weather was beautiful and the sun was shining, so Mary and I partook of a pitcher full of margaritas as we people watched while sitting at a sidewalk cafe. A couple of hours and mild tequila haze later, Joseph still had not called her. I told Mary to call him but she refused. She felt like why should she call him when he knew that she arrived the night before. He also knew that she wanted to go see him preach and she was obviously not present at the worship services. Mary said "my man should be checking on me, not the other way around."

We kept it moving to another bar and had yet another round of margaritas. Around 7:30 PM, Joseph texts Mary asking her where is she. She asked me how should she reply. I said to tell him "ditto motherf**ker", but she didn't like my suggestion. We end up leaving a nice table overlooking the waterfront to drive across town to meet this negro and his friends at a cigar bar. Do you know what this man said when we asked him why in the hell we hadn't heard from him? He said he didn't receive Mary's text Saturday night. And then asked her why she never called.

Didn't I tell her to call the man?! Either he answers and you get the info necessary or he doesn't answer and you can blame him for not providing the necessary info. But what is your defense if you never dialed his number?

Mary felt like he should have called looking for her, especially when he knew she was flying in for the weekend. She said that his ex-girlfriend lives here in DC and she had a feeling he would try to see her and probably invited the ex to see him preach. Mary even went as far as to speculate that Joseph purposely withheld the location of the church because he didn't want Mary's presence to throw salt in his game. She said the men in the pulpit get more panties thrown at them than a rock star. In the next breath, she tells me that he swears he ain't sleeping with nobody else.

At the end of the day, was it even worth it? We had a couple of drinks and cigars with Joesph and his buddies and they went on their merry way. Of course he wanted Mary to come back to his hotel room but she was too pissed at that point, so she spent the second night back at my crib. She showed me the sexy lace nightie that she purchased for the weekend as she balled it up and stuffed it into the side pocket of her suitcase, disgusted with herself for expecting love and happiness. It was truly hard to watch this weekend's events unfold.

This morning, as we rode to the airport, Mary asked me if I were her what would I do. I wasn't sure how to answer. My initial reaction is to give Joseph the finger and keep it moving. I'm mad and we ain't even knockin boots! See, I've been the one waiting. Sometimes, waiting in vain. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. Why should Mary wait either? Why do we wait on what can or what may be? Does the waiting ever pay off?

If you were Mary, what would you do?

Tumultuously Yours,

Dark & Stormy

A Night to Remember

Everybody's got a bomb, we could all die any day
But before I let it happen, I will dance my life away
Oh they say 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time!
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999!
- Prince, 1999


Happy Monday family! 'Tis the season for strutting across the stage in caps & gowns and shopping for the perfect dress or tux for the prom. Over the weekend, I ran into one of my neighbors who is getting ready for her senior prom. We started chatting about limos, after-parties, and everything in between. Before I knew it, I was two-steppin' down memory lane...

I wasn't crazy about the idea of going to prom. I didn't really give a damn about getting dressed up and paying for an overpriced ticket to party with folks that I could barely stand sitting in a classroom with. I just wanted to hurry up and be done with it all and was counting down the days I could give Anytown USA H.S. the finger and be out. But my lovely friends and my mother reminded me that if nothing else, I would enjoy the memory years later and it would make for a wonderful story to tell my kids. Boy were they right.

At prom time, I had boyfriend. He was a few years my senior and I had no intentions of bringing him as my date. The theme was "Party Like It's 1999", because the year was 1999 and we had the most creative prom committee ever. My dumbass high school would only sell couples' tickets, so Bellini and I went half on a ticket. I remember going from mall to mall searching for a dress but all I could find was yards and yards of gaudy fluffiness that you could not pay me to put on my body. Already not a dress chick, finding something I felt comfortable wearing was a hard task. I decided to go the non-traditional route and bought a short dress that, as my mom described, looked like a slip with flowers. I liked it, so who cares.

The evening of the prom, I was actually looking forward to having a fun night out with my friends. We rented a stretch limo. We had dinner reservations at B. Smith's Restaurant. And being the resourceful young folks that we were, we booked two hotel rooms at the Omni Shoreham where our prom was being held. I gotta give it to us... Even as youngins, we had it goin' on!

When the limo arrived at my house, I remember thinking it looked a little full. We rented a 14 passenger vehicle and there were already seven upon arrival to my crib. We still had to pick up Rum Punch & her date, and this other chick (didn't like her or invite her) and her date. The plan was to have a total of 12 in limo. Another friend (we'll call him T) and his date were riding together in a Mercedes-Benz (borrowed for the occasion). Well by the time we picked up the last couple, the limo was mighty tight. I ended up hopping in the Benz with T. Wasn't too happy about that...

Dinner was a nightmare. Upon arrival, our table was not ready. I still cannot understand why not given the many weeks' notice that the restaurant was given. So we were seated late. And then it took an eternity for our food to arrive. Dinner itself is a blur to me. However, I clearly remember how folks came up short when it was time to pay the bill. This is what happens when you invite extra people, who ain't really your friends, in the name of saving money. It was a good idea at the time but unfortunately we got stuck with a couple of trifling broke asses.

We were extremely late leaving the restaurant. I think we arrived a lil' after 11 PM. The prom was over at 1 AM. The prom itself was ok. There isn't much the actual party that sticks out in my memory. Big ballroom, loud music, everybody snappin' pictures... the usual stuff. And I was still salty over the dinner fiasco. The plans for after the prom were to go back to our high school for the PTA's "safe, parent-approved" after prom party. They had free food and a few fun activities. Then we'd return to our hotel rooms and get the real after party started.

My friend T's date decided she wanted to go home, so I couldn't ride with them back to school. Instead I rode up front with the limo driver. If my memory serves me correctly, the limo dropped us off at the school and we took our own cars to the hotel.

Our hotel after party was quite interesting. The two rooms we reserved were connected by a door in the middle. The fellas brought up many bottles of liquor in a big duffel bag. I think we had music playing but not quite sure. I kissed some dude who I didn't even like... but it didn't go any further than that. And not too long afterward, I passed out on top of the bed. The funny thing was there was about five of us stretched out on top of the bed. A couple of more folks out on the floor. And one dude made his bed in the bathtub.

Definitely a night to remember. Or should I say a night I kinda remember. Do you remember your prom night?

Forgetfully Yours,
Dark & Stormy

stop in the name of celibacy

A while back Rum Punch blogged about celibacy by happenstance and celibacy by choice. At the time, I wasn't sure which one I was going through but since then I've been working to convert happenstance to choice for my own "get yo self togetha gurl and yo man will come" reasons. ummmm yeah that was a lie. More like I am celibate just because I want some quality time alone with my tanky (as my mama calls it) and haven't found anyone with whom I'd like to share.

But my celibacy by choice has been my own personal decision, one which I have not divulged with others, except my Ace and Duece Boon Coons. Because usually with this type of goal you don't really want to shout it from the rooftops, "I'm celibate, hear me roar!" Kinda in the same way that you don't go telling everybody that you're on a diet. Cause as soon as some hater or even a well-meaning family member asks you how much you've lost this week when they see you stuffing a piece of star.bucks lemon loaf into your mouth, you start to feel all guilty and stuff. Or you just keep eating that star.buck's lemon loaf like whatevs, at least i'm not as fat as...

Such is the way of things with celibacy. If you slip up and backslide into the land of gettin it in (i love that phrase for absolutely no reason) and somebody finds out about it (like that hater ass girlfriend of yours) you feel all guilty and slutty or all disappointed in your inability to commit to no relations. So I've kept it to myself (well until 1.4 minutes ago when ya'll started reading this), working through my daily struggle to stay on the sex free path with dedication and meditation. I can't speak for men but as a woman, staying celibate is pretty easy for me and should be for most women. Granted we get approached by men at least twice daily and if we wanted to partake of certain activities, we could easily find a willing male participant. But you just have to remove all temptations from your life. Stop taking calls from your old stand-by call in case of emergency brotha and take lots of showers under that really really forceful showerhead. Get involved in civic activities and do things to occupy your mind and you're straight.

Until...

You get presented with some goodies you always wanted! Or maybe I'm the only one with a list of men who I find *uckable and would seriously consider if given the chance? Last week, I just happened to be presented with the possibility of the chance at maybe getting a little closer to a "platonic" friend of mine. I've known this friend for a minute and I've always found him sexy, especially his body, his muscles, his...., yeah but we've been just friends. And for most of the time that I've known him, he's had a girl or I had a guy. ...

I won't go into the details here (a girl should have some secrets) but let's just say there was alcohol involved, words spoken, lusty looks given and I pretty much walked away from the possibility when I realized where things might be headed. And it wasn't because I didn't want to ruin the friendship, cause I feel like friends can make the best lovers. I think it's especially crazy when women hold back from pursuing something with a good male friend because they don't want to ruin the friendship. wtf? So you'd rather be alone or out here dating these fools who aint bout nothing when you have a perfectly good male friend who knows you and likes you and wants to see if ya'll can build a relationship. And I didn't walk away because of my celibacy commitment, at least not at the moment when I called a cab to take me home. At that moment, it was more because my head was spinning and I was pretty sure that if I stayed things might get ugly, in a head-over-toilet-bowl way.

In retrospect I'm alternatively kicking myself for passing up the chance and thanking God that I didn't go through with it. With a clearer head, I remember the months I've put into this celibacy thing and I've been wondering would it worth it to wash away all that time built up. But since I'm mint julep, I've also been imagining what it would be like and how much I'd really really really like to! And I mean really, have you seen this guy, hot sex on a platter ya'll!...

For sure, that moment when I almost stepped over the line from friends to friends who have kissed, touched, etc. has passed and who knows if it can be recreated. I want to but do I, should I?

Love changes and Best Friends become strangers...

My friend, who has been like a sister to me, flew in from LA to visit family and friends during the holidays. Her arrival got me thinking about our friendship and I concluded that if I met this girl today there is no way we would be friends. I think back to that March day in 1996 when I was the new girl in school and how easy it was for us to bond over our mutual love of General Hospital, Big Macs and boys. But time has changed a lot about us and we don’t have many common interest. I can say I love her dearly-but I’m definitely not liking her too much these days. This friendship makes me wonder what folks do at the point where they just want to let people go...

So around this time last year ‘Dis Friend (how she’ll be referred to from here on out) was getting serious talking to a boy in Los Angeles she met on, of all places, MySpace. This boy was crazy, and I told her so…in that supportive friend way of course. This boy went to jail for some crazy counterfeit money making scheme and ‘Dis Friend faithfully wrote him weekly, sent additional care packages, would wait up in the wee hours of the morning for a Collect Call from crazy jail boy #126579. Now in ‘Dis Friend’s defense, when she met him (left a message on his page) he wasn’t in jail…so I guess we can take a half point off her crazy card.

But it’s about history right? Understand there were good times, but who wants to read about those? I have lent ‘Dis Friend money, stood as a witness to her marriage to an illegal, listened to her tales of cocaine use, random sexual conquests and pregnancy scare. I’ve lived through her drunken episodes, fights between her parents (the physical kind were one ends up in the hospital), her atheism, her hatred of Christianity, her sudden weight loss plan-where there were life threatening complications, her suicide attempt our freshmen year in college. And really there is more, so much more I could tell, I’m just thankful she was diagnosed as bi-polar and can take pills to help regulate some of this craziness…

But there isn’t a pill for love. So while we lived together, within a two week period she decided to move out LA to make it work with newly released crazy jail boy. This fool told her that she should stop taking her meds because of the evilness that is the pharmaceutical companies and in the same breath he also told her that they could never have a future together. Um. Yeah. So why was she packing her bags? Why did she tell all our friends of this decision to move and not me-friend and roommate? Why was I the one who was left nearly homeless? Because that’s how ‘Dis Friend rolls. No consideration for others, completely selfish and when her mind is made up…ain’t no changing it.

After me actively avoiding her, we finally hung out this Saturday. We ended up going to a Catholic high school basketball game that her friend from her old job coached. While sitting in the bleachers, she told me that LA wasn’t working out (had a big falling out with crazy jail boy and he kicked her out), that she wasn’t sure how she was going to pay this month’s rent and car note (so broke as hell), how she missed home and she was moving back (it hasn’t even been a year yet). So I played it cool, listened and was feeling myself slipping back in my old SistaGirl friend role when she decided to drop a bomb on me.

‘Dis Friend asks if I remember when she had a crush on her coach friend over across the court. To which I replied: “Yes, didn’t he and his wife just have a baby?” To which she said: “Yes…”and goes on to reveal that she got him.

She grins from ear to ear

In shock, I asked her if the sex was everything she imagined, she giggled and said “Yes, all six times!” I asked her if she felt bad about being and an adulterer, and she flatly said “No. But it’s hard being the mistress.” Is it? Becuase I think it sucks to be the wife.

Oh, at that point I was so disgusted ya'll! I would have walked away if she hadn’t driven me there! Damnit! ‘Dis Friend is always amid drama…and quite frankly I’ve gotten so use to not having to hear, deal and care about it that I don’t want her to move back. And though I just want to walk away I wonder who will help pick up the pieces when things fall apart for her again. I feel guilty because I don't want it to be me.


See You In Seven

Doin' Me

So there is a song out on the radio by someone named Rocko (yeah not really sure who he is) titled Imma do me. Well actually when I googled the song (because I am getting old and out of touch), I found out that it was titled: Umma do me. Lawd! Please save the babies...

So the chorus to the song is as follows: you just do you and Imma do me…Never mind that the rest of the song is filled with the usual boasting and braggadocio of having money, platinum and other things us regular folk can never have… let’s just focus on: you just do you and Imma do me. Not too profound is it?

Well I am reading renowned theologian Howard Thurman’s book The Search for Common Ground and he writes: I have always wanted to be me without making it difficult for you to be you. Profound and insightful is it not? And dare I say the complex, philosophical version of: you just do you and Imma do me…And if I may add, way easier said than done...

When I first read Thurman’s line it gave me pause because I thought about how difficult it is to let someone be who they are or who they want to be without bringing all your own shit to their table. Parents place extraordinary expectations onto their children, friends have unrealistic demands of friends, spouses project their uncertainties onto spouses, etc, etc. At one point or another we have felt the need to tell somebody about themselves, about how they were living, about what they need to do: go back to school, leave that man alone, take that job, don’t take a risk and move to a different city… And if we haven’t said it to their faces, we’ve thought about it or gossiped with our other friends about it. We have brought our own fears and trepidation about our lives into someone else’s life and tried to stop them from being who they are and who they want to be.

Recently, a friend and I had tête à tête. I told her all about herself and what I thought about a certain situation she had been in, not in a mean way per se, but in a matter of fact, I think I’m being helpful and being a friend kinda way…And she retorted by telling me all about herself, her real self...Who she was at the time and who she is now. What she believed then and how she has grown from that situation. She revealed parts of psyche that I never knew (and I mean was I really entitled to knowing the inner workings of her mind) that left me like “oh is that what you been thinking all along? Well I ain't know all that…”

It was days after our exchange that I read Thurman’s line and I had one of those ‘doh’, I coulda had a V8 moments. I realized that I had brought how I would live my life into my friend’s life. And how many of y’all know that doesn’t work? I mean like ever. I had to really accept that just because we're friends, just because we share a lot of the same values, hopes and wants in life, doesn't mean that we approach situations the same way. I had put a brought a little too much of me into her life...

As 2008 approaches I have been thinking about ways that I want to improve, not resolutions that can be broken in a few weeks or a few months, but slight alterations or improvements that might take years of work to see results. And I have decided that I’m committed to doing me. I am ready to examine parts of me that may make it difficult for others to be themselves: my nosiness, my judgmental ways, my refusal to let some things go, my 'I know what's best for you' attitude... I’m committed to living my life and my life only, committed to emitting my inner fabulousness for all the world to enjoy, committed to being the best daughter, sister, niece, friend that I can be without purposefully encroaching on the lives of others.

Now this isn’t to say that I won’t provide sage advice to those who ask (tee hee, tee hee), but it does mean that I’m going to resist telling people (or spend a huge amount of time worrying about) what they need to do to get themselves together. As we get older, I see some friends growing up and getting themselves together, some remaining seemingly stagnant, some making decisions that I question and wonder how that’s going to work out later on, but I am really accepting that we all have our own path to take. And while we need all the support and encouragement as we walk down that road, when it's all said and done, no one can do it for us or make us do anything differently. So you just do you and Imma do me. For real this time.


That's my time y'all! Happy Rum Punch Friday! Wishing everyone a safe and Happy New Year!

when planning a trip with friends goes horribly wrong...

I always end up being friends with people who make me go hmmmm why am I friends with you again? Cause see a lot of extra people tend to befriend me. Extra boughetto, extra crazy bout splitting the food bill, extra dramafull to the top and over flowing, extra self centered so that it's always all about them when nobody wasn't even thinkin bout yo ass. I mean I am a friendly person-kinda. Inside I may be thinking grrr go away leave me alone I don't want to be bothered but i guess it's this baby face all round and young looking these huge welcoming eyes that just draw people in like oh let me be her friend. The problem is that I'm so easy-going and laid back. I usually let others take the lead not because I can't lead but more because I usually dont care, could give a f' either way. Unless it's about spending my money..

So me and some friends are supposed to be going on a little trippy trip in a few months. And these friends fit in the extra sometimes want to ball outta control when they travel category. But one friend got us the opportunity to buy tickets for this event and being as I loves a weekend trip to just about anywhere I was like sure. However, I had to invite my girl rum punch cause she's like my sista from another mother and we are >< on a lot of things. If I call/text/email her and say homie do you want to go... she's down before I even finish that sentence. Gotta love easy-going down ass people. These are the variety of friends I should be cultivating. And I figured she could help equalize some of the extraness because I prolly wouldn't be going otherwise.

But it's always hectic when you're trying to plan the logistics around the schedules of a few working professionals, especially working professional black women. Who all have opinions. About travel. And where to stay. And how to book. And what hotel star class to book. And what name hotel to book. You see where I'm going with this. And generally I'm cool with such things cause usually I don't care unless somebody's tryin to make me spend more of my money i want to or than is necessary. So now we're having a difference of opinion basically about every detail of the trip because the friends want to the less cost conscious route (read: pay way too much for hotel) while me and rum, being the seasoned travelers that we are, don't want to take that road.

Cause really, this is only a weekend trip, granted to the other coast but dammit man let's not spend over $1000 on it. As my co-worker said when I relayed the situation to her, "that's a passport trip!" Exactly. And we still gotta get the event ticket (I said it was an opportunity hookup, not a free ticket hookup) + flight + car + multiple outfits + shopping money + eating money. Why would I spend over $400 on the hotel alone just so I can say I stayed at XYZ hotel. If we doin it right, we won't be spending that much time at the hotel anyway.

So this morning I woke up with my mind staid on....errr I woke up a bit hazily actually cause the office christmas party was last nigt and a sista got tore down on those pomegrante martinis and I said to myself, mint julep, you a grown ass woman dog! Why is you letting these chics punk you? You not gon let him punk you, son. Why would you pay double or even $50 more per night for a hotel room when you found a less expensive one on your trusted discount website. Just cause they don't believe in the bargains, just cause they turn their noses up at the process booo to them. I'm booking my hotel.