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-The Five Spot

Thursday, April 17, 2008

in my mind

There’s this game I like to play with myself when I first meet a man. I ask myself, Is he *uckable or un-*uckable (with an f)?

Did you think I was gonna say is he marriage material? Yeah ummm no, this is just how me and my perverted, secretly freaky-deaky mind works. It's good to get a lil silly on our View every now and then.

And I know I’m not the only one, am I ladies? *waits for comments from my female readers*

You know, you do the not-so-obvious-but-oh-so-necessary vertical check of the man’s anatomy. Shoulders, chest, pants, shoes! Wipe me down! (c) lil boosie. Generally, a guy gets on my un-*uckable list for one of the following:

1. A belly that’s bigger than mine. This one really needs no explanation. Tubsters need not apply.

2. Unbecoming body odor (or a general aura of uncleanliness). Just like men like sweet smelling women, I like a good-smelling man who looks like he’s seen the inside of a shower/tub within the last 24 hours.

3. Under 5-10 and a half. I’m exactly 5-10 and a half and I need a man that is at least my height in order for me to feel like a grown-up. I like short men…as friends. Yeah it sucks, I know.

Once I’ve done my evaluation, then it’s back to booghetto professional mode. Hi! how are you, my name is mint julep? Blah blah.

The problem with this little game is that the man remains clueless about the impossibility of anything going down. The way I’ve mentally killed his getting-it-in prospects before he’s even had a chance to try out his A-game.

But I’ve been thinking that maybe I oughta do away with this highly unscientific, totally frivolous and what some might call prejudicial little game/test.

Or not.

What do you think? Ladies, are there any physical attributes that would put a guy on your un-*uckable list (if you had one ;-)?

11 comments:

Gangsta D said...

Can't wait to read the comments on this one! lol

Anonymous said...

I like a good-smelling man who looks like he’s seen the inside of a shower/tub within the last 24 hours.
Say it again sista. I love a man who smells good. Why would I want to be up under a man who makes me gag because he's funky???

I need a man that is at least my height in order for me to feel like a grown-up.
I'm 5'8 and guys shorter than me approach me. I prefer taller guys but I try not to discriminate, but there's nothing like looking UP.

Another thing I like is a man who can put a sentence together and who can discuss something more than what's going on with Pookey Nem.

Rum Punch said...

Ok, so you are talking about strictly superficial, what would make me think in my head, (but never say out loud of course) ooo I wanna fuck him. Well, 3 these things:

1. A nice voice that will have me imagining him authoritatively telling me to turn over.
2. Swagger. Can't describe it. But you know it. Not in a Kanyeze, why is he wearing that big ass scarf and sun glasses in the club type of way. But a more quiet confidence/presence that just pulsates through the room.
3. Ok this is silly. But if it's summertime. And he has on some shorts, that's showing some nice calf muscles. (Even if he has on some damn white socks and tims- holla DC!) Ooooo yes! Mind flashes back to two foine men on the basketball team. And then if I see as I'm moving up from the legs that he's built in other places...And then if he turns around and has a cute face and smile. Come on to my house, my house... in my mind of course...

Bellini said...

i like clean fingernails (proper hygiene in general)and don't be all tatted up -- puhleeeze; good conversation is always intriguing + confidence; as for height Bellini is 5 feet 1 1/2 inches so i can be an equal opportunist about height -- although i will will rock a stiletto
or two so if you can @ least be 5 foot 8 it helps!

@ Rum Punch -- girl shut up, 'cuz you know i know who you're referring too-- i'm reminiscin' -- men we likes that body,body!
oooohh yes.

here's something on a sexy tip if a man has facial hair in his nook the space between his bottom lip and chin (bellini loses her mind) 'tis all!

Gangsta D said...

@Bellini: It's called a "soul patch." I've never heard of someone loosing it over a soul patch. Learn something every day:)

AroundHarlem.com said...

Does he look strong. I'm a big girl and can't really get with physically weak guys.....LOL.

Are his hands and nails clean. I hate guys with icky looking hands. I get repulsed by the thought of them touching me.

The first sentence is really, really, really important. The opening line can be a deal breaker....LOL.

Rum Punch said...

Ok um, maybe my celibacy is making me both illiterate and horny, cause I put up my *uckable list...so um for the un-*uckable list, just reverse mine please. That's right, so it would be:

1. No bass in his voice
2. Cockiness a la Kanyeze w/ the big ass scarf and the shades in the club...and please add like around harlem said, if he says some dumb shit, you will not pass go, or collect anything from Rum Punch...
3. scranwy, chicken legs...Yeah it ain't right, I know...

Bellini said...

@gangsta d: thanx -- didn't know what to call it, but knew that i liked it when i see it. Learn something everyday too:)

Eb the Celeb said...

I so feeling you so NO you are not the only one!

I know this is weird but on the unf*ckable list... there hands cant be smaller than mine... I have done the feel thing and has failed me on several occasions... I have big hands for a girl... and I have noticed that they have never steered me wrong..

of course odors, I cant do lox either... cant do the men that have more hair than me

too much cologne... if you walk in my hours and 2 days after you leave i still feel like your there... that is a prob.

shorter than me... cant do it

and you have to be at least 180... perfect size would be about 230 but i really cant do the skinny dudes.

Anonymous said...

At least it is refreshing to see women think the same way as men but how did I know this would come down to a question of the size of a man. Yes I am 5'7" and I have heard that argument before. Some women even claim that they don't want any short children as if it would be a detriment to the child's health to be short. Give me a break...

OUR VAGINAS ARE HAVING A QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS. said...

aw, other people use the term boughetto <3