WE ARE: 5 women navigating our twenties in search of peace, happiness and love (or not). WE WRITE: about everything and nothing. From the insane to the mundane- you will find different paths taken, lessons learned and lives lived. WE THINK: you’ll enjoy it...Warning: Consumption of these views may leave you enlightened while intoxicated.


The View From Here will conclude on Friday, October 1, our third year anniversary. We would like to spend this month thanking all of our readers, followers, haters, visitors, family, friends, and fans for your continued support, encouragement, and comments over these past few years. Thanks y'all!
-The Five Spot

Monday, April 14, 2008

Brother Do-Right

He is my King, He is my one
Yes he's my father, Yes he's my son
I can talk to him, cuz he understands
Everything I go through and everything I am
He's my support system, I can't live without him
The best thing since sliced bread,
Is his kiss, his hugs, his lips, his touch
And I just want the whole world to know, about my..

- Brotha, Angie Stone

Last weekend, my homegirl's car stopped while she was sitting at a stoplight. She was on her way to meet me and some other friends to attend a comedy show. The guy whom she invited to the show [luckily] happens to be the manager of an auto shop. He and his brother were also on their way and were not far behind. They met my homegirl, pushed her car into a parking space, and made it to the show just in time to see the first act come onto the stage. The following day, dude had the car towed to his shop and someone was working on the car by the time they opened for business Monday morning.

Later that Monday afternoon, my homegirl called me full of joy. She was literally in tears as she expressed how grateful she was for the way in which everyone rallied together to help her in a time of need. She was especially surprised by the generosity exhibited by old dude. I remember her saying something like "It's not that I think I don't deserve it, but I am not used to a man being so responsive and attentive."

I thought to myself, you need to greatly expand that pool you're fishing from.

My homegirl may be reading this. I am sure she knows that I love her and want only the best for her because she deserves nothing less. The same goes for the rest of my sistas out there. This is why it is imperative that we stop giving men gold stars for being decent human beings.

If a man has his own crib (whether he rents or owns it), earns legal income, has a bank account, dresses neatly, has manners, speaks proper English, can hold an intelligent conversation, and washes behind his ears, he ain't special.

If a man calls you to see how your day is going, sends you flowers on a day that is not pimped by Hallmark, opens the door for you, helps you put on your coat, and holds the umbrella when it rains, he's considerate. But he ain't special.

I understand that we feel shortchanged and flimflammed when it comes to the quality [and quantity] of brothas we have to pick from. However it is mad dangerous to lower expectations to a point where we start subconsciously applauding men for doing shit they are supposed to do.

I wanted to point out to my homegirl that while it was very nice of auto shop dude to help her the way he did, she still had to pay for the work being done to her car. Even if it was at a discounted price. And as my mama would say, any real man would've done the same. Just because. That's what real men do. But I couldn't find the proper words...

I am worried that my friend has already given him a "pass" or stamp of approval just because he did what he was supposed to do. All the while not giving herself a chance to evaluate necessary shit... Like how he spends his money, the characteristics of the people he surrounds himself with, his relationship with his mother, his relationship with his child's mother, his personal goals for next 1-5 years, inability to work the middle 'cause his thing too little (c) Lil' Kim, and on and on and on...

This chapter of our lives is full of exploration and experimentation. We try, then try a little bit harder, and then try once again. We will lose some to win some. We will kiss many a frog and already have. How about wearing 3-D glasses instead of the rose-colored ones?

Let the real men show 'em how to do it.

Let the suckas take notes.

Let us not make excuses for any of them.

Tumultuously Yours,
Dark & Stormy


Rum Punch said...

I just came in here to say: But I take care of my kids!!!

Anonymous said...

I agree 1000%.......its sad that alot of us women folk are so used to being mistreated that when folk are only decent it seems like gold. SMH. Lauryn said back in her L'Boogie days "respect is just the minimum"......we have got to raise our standards and know its ok to have standards and high expectations, we need those and the resolve to stand behind them in order to get that level of treatment from someone we call our significant other/lover/man etc..far too many males don;t know what it is to be a decent upstanding integrity filled human being of strong character, let alone what it really means to be a man.

Anonymous said...

No. I don't agree with this. I think that he doesn't owe her anything. Are they in a relationship, dating, doing tha nasty, casual, buddies etc. As a woman who had her fair share of relationships and hook-ups. What she got was the "good friend hook-up". Ole dude - as we are calling him - doesn't own his own shop he works at one. Sh*t she is lucky she got that much a free tow and a discount. He reports to someone who don't care about his relationships he wants that $$$$$.

She should look for someone who appreciates her as much as she does them. He could have left her car there and told her to call her insurance company.

Once women begin to appreciate their self-worth they will find the right person for them. No man owes you anything.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the commentor who said he doesn't owe her sh*t, especially if he isn't her boyfriend. It was nice of him to do that, and she should be appreciative of it. People sometimes have a tendency to think others OWE them, when they don't, and act ungrateful when it doesn't happen.

Respect and paying for car repairs are two different things. And you assume he has the finances to pay for the repairs (granted I don't know how much they were), but nonetheless how do you know what his finances were at the moment.

I agree that respect is the minimum but, you can respect someone without breaking open your wallet.....expecting a man to pay (car repairs) is kind of gold diggerish. First the car, next the rent/mortgage.......

Are you sure that she hasn't/isn't evaluating him and other characteristics??? Or did you peep something about his character that she didn't notice; sometimes when you're on the outside looking in, you see things that he/she cant see due to their love fogged glasses.

Anonymous said...

Sorry meant to say people have a tendency to act ungrateful when someone DOES help someone out.

Rum Punch said...

Um I don't want to interpet Dark & Stormy's post for her, but I'm wondering if some of y'all were reading the same post...I don't think that she's saying that he owed her anything, had to pay for her car repairs, etc, etc. I think the line that's being misinterpreted is: I wanted to point out to my homegirl that while it was very nice of auto shop dude to help her the way he did, she still had to pay for the work being done to her car. Even if it was at a discounted price. And as my mama would say, any real man would've done the same. I think that she's saying that any "real man" would have done the basics of moving the car off the side of the road, (I mean that was her date, and so I'm assuming they had been chatting it up for a period of time) but he also took it a step farther by having the car towed for her to his shop for free. And now the friend's nose is wide open. When maybe she should see what he did as the "norm", not as something that you drop the panties for...Sometimes when men do "nice" things for us, we forget to look at that person as a whole. Women can get so caught up in the one or two kind acts, and ignore the rest-as she pointed out-wearing rose colored glasses...

Gangsta D said...

Interesting discussion. I don't think cats are looking for a medal for just being a good guy, but it's nice when you know the woman is truly appreciative. A genuine "thanks" is better than a "Ah, ni**a that's what you supposed to do." I guess it's a thin line. At the very least, lie and make him feel good about it. Women are good at that. I kid! lol

lov said...

How about wearing 3-D glasses instead of the rose-colored ones?
~Love that!

Dark & Stormy said...

Thank you Rum Punch for the clarification- you hit the nail right on the head. And amen 'bout the kids girl. How could I forget that one!

Anomymous 2 & 3: The point I attempted to make was that any decent man would've done the same. But some of us are so used to Mr. Mediocrity or Mr. Inconsiderate that we are in awe when in the presence of a gentleman.

For the record, I would not expect anyone to pay for anything that is my responsibility. I made no indication that the man owed my friend a damn thing. He does not. I just don't want her to be all gully about one act of kindness... Be grateful? Absolutely. Shit, I would even buy him lunch or dinner as a way of saying thanks. But I wouldn't be so quick to crown him king before dessert hit the table...

Gangsta D: You are absolutely right. A genuine thanks goes a long way... Any relationship, romantic or not, is doomed when those involved feel unappreciated.

Lov: Thanks for the lov... Lol. Glad someone understood.

Anonymous said...

This can go on forever. What is special about treating your parent's correctly? Having plans for your future? Using your money wisely? Being considerate to people? Taking care of yourself and others?

In an ideal world, nothing. In the real world. . .those things, as "common" or expected as we'd like them to be, they are not.