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-The Five Spot

Thursday, September 3, 2009

she and your man

they say men cheat because there are always women out there who will cheat with them. of course we know and understand that men also cheat because they can, because they think they won't get caught or just because it's Friday night. but the other woman remains a necessary and indispensable component of any man's cheating endeavors.

the other woman leaves a bad taste in every one's mouth. when there are women who are willing and able to cross that line, there is little that can be added to the picture to make it better in our minds. they separated; they don't sleep together no more; she don't give him none; he filed for divorce; he just there for the kids; they aint lived together for years; and on and on. at the end of the day it always returns to the same sentiment: don't fuck wit other people shit.

on the other side of this thang, i know what it's like to meet someone who you really click with, who are attracted to, got that fiyah for and discover that he is married (or separated). some women know this information upfront. but still want to (and do) proceed to gettin it in. women complicate things when they begin to think "what if this is the man of my dreams?" unfortunately boo boo, right now he's still the man of someone else's dreams or at least he used to be.

most women feel some kinda way about the other woman. you will get that deadly side eye if you tell your best homegirl that your boo's divorce will be final any day now. you might get ex-communicated from the family if they know you f'in wit another woman's husband. it just aint right. ever. ever?

why does it become right when the man got a lil' change in his pocket?

photo courtesy of essence.com

essence magazine, the black woman's affirmation to all that is right and good in our world, features a reputed husband stealer on this month's cover. in the article, she goes hard against the "hateful" bloggers who paint her as the other woman and even filed a lawsuit against a woman who wrote an anonymous letter to several bloggers putting gabby on blast for messing with her husband. gabby claimed that the woman's claims were downright lies but at the article's end admits that she's off to miami to see her still married boo.

why is it less blast worthy when it's alicia keys?

photo courtesy of theybf.com

she took swizz beats right from under mishonda's nose. and denied it still to this day. claiming that she was dating her manager instead. yet alicia doesn't recieve the full brunt of the celebrity bloggers wrath the way that gabrielle does. what's up wit that?

if alicia and gabby were regular "other" women sneaking around with the average married black man, wifey and her homegirls would be rolling up to their doors to give them a few choice words (slaps and slashes too!) but these women are lauded as our sheroes. is the message that these women and men are different because they are rich? or that it's okay because the men are separated from their wives? is it ever okay to date a married/separated man? or should one wait until the ink dries on the divorce decree?

what say ya'll?


Courvoisier said...

I was talking about this with a friend the other day so it is really interesting that you blog about this.

I have two points that I don't seem to understand...

1. Why do we all assume to know the nature of these guys marriages? If you ask me, we know nothing about the arrangements of any of these marriages to speak on it. SO with that said... it doesn't matter if they are celebrities or not. I know a couple with an open marriage and they seem to do just fine. Not my cup of tea but to each it's own.

2. Secondly, if it was any of our business which it isn't, but since they public celebrities let's speak on it, (chuckle) I am rather upset with how the media focuses on the women. Could we talk about the men and the commitment that they made? I have yet to read anything that addresses the gentlemen at hand. Essence mentions that a letter that was circulating defaming Gabbi and I am like "Are you SERIOUS!?!?! We should be hitting these guys with it!" I am sorry how does it go again? He asked me to marry him!!!

If there is ONE thing that seems evident about all the stories of folks splitting up this year... WE KNOW NOTHING.

I personally believe these men were already seeing other people that their wives knew about and was ok with until it became a public celebrity that they were interested in. Then sits in the issue of pride and the smoke fades from the mirror for them. SO to save face they act like this is NEW... that the last happy public image we saw of them years ago is still the case.

Speaking as an again single, once married young lady... I can tell you now... NO ONE knows the entire and TRUE deal... behind the scenes with me and my ex except me and him. Divorces are unique situations and there are no definitive answers that work from person to person. Maybe I will post on that whole-separation-are we-working-this-out-or-not-let's-see-other-people-for-a-while-in- hopes-that-distance makes-the-heart-grow-fonder-but-we-are-really-good-friends-and-can-still-hang-divorce situation. (chuckle)

My life experiences in the last 2 years has taught me the decisions I make are the ones I must live with.

Dang Mint! Are you satisfied?

Did you have fun on the 700 rocks? Wish I knew were going there,could have asked my friends to show you guys a good time.

Courvoisier said...

P.S. My husband and I dated other people while we were separated. Everyone I dated was fully aware of my situation.

Amaretto said...

This is interesting because I feel like I would never(learning never to say never) date a separated person because of the drama factor. Do they still want to be with the spouse? Am I just a place filler? Who knows? But then the same could be said about anyone you date.

There was a point in time when I thought separated people should chill out until if/when their their divorce was finalized...but now I think it depends if the separated are still living together or have kids. When those factors are present I think they become unDATEable until the ink dries or they move out or the kids get grown.

I say that because I think it was good that Courvoisier met other people during the separation time. But again no kids were involved and they weren't still playing house with each other.

ladyinred said...

It is definitely hard to judge these kind of situations if you are an outsider. Courvoisier makes a good point about that.

I once dated a man who was separated. I was fine with doing such because he and wife had already been legally separated for over a year, divorce papers filed, and wifey moved over 300 miles away. Also, the man had moved to a new residence, which I think is key. I don't wanna be chillin up in your used-to-be homestead, laying in the same bed your wife did.

Now I've also encountered the type of man who says he's "getting a divorce" but claims he's staying in the basement right now 'til he finds a new crib. I run fast from those types. That aint nothin but BS and trouble. You not fuggin up my karma!

I doubt I'd ever date a married (but separated) man again. But once again, each situation is VERY different. A lot of marriages are over waaaayyyy before anyone even mentions the D word.

Rum Punch said...

Hmmm... I agree with Courvoisier that no one knows the intricacies of somoene's marriage, but the 2 people in it. But I also think there's a clear difference in being separated (and I'm talking about legally - not I'm staying at my mamas house for a few weeks) and married. In the instances w/ the celebrity couples you mentioned, I got the impression (and of course we don't know for sure) that they were still very much married while this was all going down. Like hadn't Mishonda just popped out a baby and ish? Like even if the wives may have known that their man was bein unfaithful from time to time, I don't think they expected to see another chick just blatantly pose for the camera now click with they man. I mean that's a slap on the face if you see it on YBF or your homegirl's facebook page.

Now if y'all as a couple are legally separated - and have made your own arrangements on how y'all are going to spend your time apart - then do your thing whodie. But often times it seems that only one person, i.e., the man knows he's separated. Lol.

Anonymous said...

Preoccupation with society's inequitable treatment of adulterers (who said that?) is really beside the point and probably not worth trying to comprehend when establishing your own standards and conduct. Legal separation, to me, is not merely administrative. Rather, it is a transient and very personal stage of a couple's relationship - much like engagement - during which I would not recommend the intentional introduction of a third party. A commitment as significant as marriage is worth an exercise in patience and self-control for all currently and prospectively involved.

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