Planned Parenthood

So there are two type of single Black women in this world – those with kids and those without. Now, when I’m talking about the ones with kids, I’m not talking about the women who had that baby in high school or first year of college and still did the damned thing and got their degree.

And I’m not talking about those women that when I say baby mama, your mind eases on down the road of stereotypes and sees a woman living in the ‘jects, has a several kids from different men and appears on Maury Povich looking for her baby daddy or Judge Mathis talking bout, “he need to take care of his responsibilities.”

I’m talking about those women who are in their mid to late twenties (and sometimes their thirties), have degrees, work “good” jobs, are climbing career ladders, buying houses, etc. It could be your homegirl, your office mate, the chick who sits next to you in church, who one day tells you, “yeah girl. I’m pregnant.” And you be like, in an offhanded kinda way, “really? I didn’t know you were seeing anyone serious.” And you learn that it’s from some random nig who work at Safeway or Kenny shoes or something.* Heh.

And while you sit there eating your sandwich, trying your best not to be judgmental to her face, you can’t help but wonder, has she not heard of these things called condoms? And does she really want to be attached to a random nig for the rest of her life? And then you wonder, if she has heard of condoms and other forms of birth control, was she just on f-it status? Did she just figure that since no one had put a ring on it, but she already had everything else in life, the next logical step was having a baby?

But you can’t say that to people cause that would hurt their feelings – but I wonder as I wander and observe this chasm of have and have nots (kids) widen - I think that maybe I should just go ahead and have a baby by a random nig. I mean everybody else is doing it. Riiight? Right. Maybe I should just throw caution to the wind, hit up a happy hour, chat up some dude, and say, “I want you to be my baby faver.” Not tonight. You can take me out a few times first. Maybe we can make a baby like 6 months into the relationship when we're just starting to dislike each other. Maybe that’s when I’ll drop those infamous words, that will change both our lives, “I’m pregnant. And it’s yours.” But see I don’t think I could ever do that. That’s not me. I have no desire to take up the armor that is single motherhood. I'm not into being a martyr. Or being someone's mama and daddy. Or having theme songs written sung by Fantasia. And so here I am single and childless.

But can I just get on my soap box for two seconds and say from this single with no kids perspective – I just don’t think it’s fair that you can pop out a baby by someone, not remain committed to that person, and then jump yo’ happy ass back into my dating pool. Now I gotta “compete” with you and I have to take your “used” goods who wants to show me pictures of his 2 year old daughter on his phone. No thank you, sir. But then reality sets in, and I have to accept the world we live in and the fact that I might one day be in some Melanie/Derwin/Janae situation (sorry they’ve been playing reruns of the Game these past few nights) and not be able to give my husband his first born child.

And maybe I’m being whiny. And maybe I’m being mean. Or judgmental. But the good pastor Amaretto quoted on Tuesday, also said in that same sermon that this type of behavior is bringing something permanent into what was supposed to be a temporary situation. And I wonder – do people really know what that means?

Do you know what it means to go to a back to school night in an inner city and see nothing but mamas? And just a handful of daddies. To hear too many Black children openly wish for their fathers in their lives? Do you know what it means to have a baby with someone you don’t know, or barely know, or kinda like but still not know anything about? Do you know what it’s like to have to answer your child's question of how their parents met? Or what did you like most about my mother? Or how come y’all married? Or what diseases run on the other side of my family? To not be totally sure if the person you laid down and made a baby with is crazy? And to not have a big mama who can look that nygga in the eye and be like, "who yo' people?"

And do you know what it’s like to be on the other side of it all? To feel like you’re one of the last few Black women without kids? To be a woman who wants with all her heart to be somebody’s mommy, who’s getting older, whose eggs are dropping and not being put to use cause she is still clinging to that notion of first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage? Do you know what it’s like to feel like you’re on a losing team? To feel like things are starting to look bleak - simply cause you're clinging to your respective beliefs, morals, values, etc., etc.

To wonder if you're still unmarried and without kids at 50- was all that clinging to principle worth it? Will it matter that you held firm to what you believed? Or will your heart just ache for a child of your own? Will you wish that you had just made a baby with that nig who was good enough? Will you wish that you had made other arrangements? Other plans?

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

*And if you didn't get the reference, you lose 10 Black points. Lol.

video of the week

so you think you can dance "discovers" nola bounce.



enjoy!

he's gotta big ego...

So a few weeks ago, I was at the hair salon and I came upon Essence magazine featuring Mary J on the cover. In these tight financial times, a recently laid off editor, producer, or some similar profession lamented about his dating woes. Not the fact that he couldn’t get a date, but rather the devaluation of his ego per his diminished assets.

Basically, when the brother had a job he had no qualms spending $300 a week on dinners, top shelf liquor, opera tix, etc. And now with a dwindling account, he feels obligated to treat his lady friends to those some pre- unemployment experiences. And yet he can’t fully afford the outings. Yet he expresses discomfort when his lady friends opt to subsidize a portion of the outing. he’s gotta big ego He even went so far to share that during a date (dinner & movie I think) he couldn’t afford the movie tix and was embarrassed when his lady friend purchased the movie tix, yet at ticket counter date passed the tix to him to present to the ticket counter and his ego was inflated again. This is thoroughly disturbing to me. I read the article, thinking is it that serious.

What happened to jaunts in Central Park? Showcases at the art gallery? Spoken word viewings? I mean everything doesn’t carry a price tag. And why is your manhood tied to money. I found his story to be a bit disturbing. Men is it that serious. Clearly Bellini is an outsider looking in? personally I like a man who’s more on the frugal side—I am telling my bizness? enough! Am I missing some underlying point? enlighten me fellas

I wonder if he was a husband and underwent the same dynamics with his wife would he still feel the same way considering that’s his partner and all. And should he feel the same way with his wife?

I just found out a lil’ unsettling that the guy appeared to tie too much value to the frequency he’s able to dispense his funds. After all it’s a recession, horde your funds!

cheers,

Bellini

Adults Only

So a funny thing happened when I asked my Dad to gift me some money for this piece of property I am trying to acquire with da bank. He asked if the young man he met at the property over the weekend would be moving in as well. Um seriously, daddy?! Hell no! There are no rings, and at less than 700 square feet I am essentially living in a closet. And beyond all that-he’s got his own and I don’t do stupid trash like that! But my dad simply stated that you never know and he as a father and me being his only child-just had to ask. And I guess so, because in these days and times women often suspend logic, reason, good and common sense all to make relationships work.

Rum’s post had me popping my neck saying all sorts of hell no’s I’ll never stand with a foolish man…when for real for real you never know what you are or aren’t going to do until you are in that situation, until you have become part of a we. But then again, there are some things that you just know about yourself. Just like if I am a well to do woman I think it will be hard for me not to see if Target has something on Sale. Even if I can support a 3rd world country with the money in my bank account it will be hard for me to pay full price for things…but we shall see right?

I’ve concluded that this relationship thing is more art than science, there are no if/then clauses when dealing with folks. But I just love watching the legal eagle judge shows in which a teary eyed young woman pleads her case against Mister Shiftless, Mister Baby I just thought it was a gift, Mister I’m going to live in your place but cheat in your bed because we never sign no papers. Girl what were you thinking? Was he worth the sacrifice? As a good Pastor said on Saturday night, folks should stop playing house after age 5! Preeeeach! Because when you live this life, work your job, try to make a dollar out of 15 cents you realize its hard out here for pimps and regular folk alike. While I don’t have a problem helping someone out if they catch me right after payday, I do have a problem with you showing up on my doorstep every other Friday cause that’s when we get paid.

We? Um nope, it’s just me.

While I am not building houses or saving lives for a living, it takes a lot for me to get up in the morning, get dressed and shuck and jive with the man and my coworkers to get my little check. It takes a lot for me to act how a must and not how I feel, and keep my internal monologue internal. To go along to get along in the world of working. It takes a lot when you realize that you do need to work to live and you just can’t quit because the job sucks like you did when you were 16. Cause that’s what this real adult thing is about- having responsibilities and not complaining about it because who doesn’t? And maturity often causes us to slay our whining and helps us to learn to deal with life responsibly.

I assured my dad that I stopped playing house a loooooong time ago. And then I thanked him for helping me get further into adulthood!

See You In Seven

The Booty Text

Dear Courvoisier,
Could you tell me whassup with the random “I miss u” text in the middle of the night?
No-Textin’ Betty

No-Textin’ Betty,

Ahhh! This is definitely an interesting one. I personally am not a fan of the stexting. In fact, I couldn’t take any dude seriously if the main form of our communication was text messaging. Are you serious? How impersonal.

But I can see how it makes playing the field easy. For example, those random “I miss you… I want see you tonight” text that comes out of nowhere, are booty calls without the call. If you don’t know, now you know… it is call a mass booty call. It don’t get no better than that for the player. Even I, who don’t have the time for games has pulled this trick, minus the I miss you… more like “Whachudoing?”

So how does this work?

Well the first to respond with the most interesting offer you entertain. It is like a secret auction where only the seller can see the offers. (chuckle) Don’t fall privy to these.

If you aren’t interested in playing the game, don’t respond to the text. The no response text is the strongest message you could ever send. Otherwise don’t be surprised if the next message you receive is on some send me a picture of it… I miss it! I am never surprised at how low the negro will go.

Texting sometimes is the easiest way to keep a chic hanging on. Get over that baby-boo-sweety. Like a friend of mine says “text my name… text my name...” (chuckle)

Much luv until next week… peace :)
P.S. I don’t know what it is but I get ask the most no-brainer questions sometimes.

P.S.S. WOW! B's stage presence has come a long way!

Stand By Your Man?

So we had a church meeting last Sunday to discuss buying a house adjacent to the church property. If we bought the house, the church would to put it in simple terms, own the entire block. Now, for a majority of the church members, this seemed like an easy decision – at least buy the house, so you can have the land – cause like Oprah say, “land is the one thing God’s not making any more of.” But because we’re colored and humans beings who come in different shapes and sizes (heh), there were your naysayers.

So this one man, a major naysayer, takes the mic and goes on this crazy rant about how he has a problem with us wanting to "control the block” and then pretty much calls us racist (the reason why is a whole ‘nother story). Yeah the entire room was like huh? Excuse? Oh no he didn’t – we may be in church now, but wait till we get outside.

So anyway. Because we’re church folk dealing with money, there was more discussion than there ever needed to be. And then we finally voted by standing up. The yays went first. And then the nays. So of course major naysayer man stands up to vote no. And then in another pew, I see his wife standing. And I’m like, WORD?!? And I’m sitting there wondering, do you really agree with him lady or you just standing cause you don’t want him to look foolish on his own? Cause for real, only a handful of other folk voted no. And by handful, I mean 2 other people.

When I discussed this later on with my, been married for 36 years mama, she was all, “the wife had to stand. Cause she had to go home with that man. And so to keep the peace, sometimes you have to stand.” And then she continued with, “but please believe the whole church was thinking just what you were thinking.” Oh hell naw shawty, I say. Well not really, cause I don’t talk to my mama like that. But I did say, “Oh no. Ain’t no way I coulda stood in agreement on that mess. I woulda had to take him outside and we woulda had to have a come to Jesus moment in the bathroom." “No,” my mama said, “it don’t work like that.”

Say whaat?!? So much to learn! And I don’t even have any prospects to practice on. Tee hee. I told my mom and everyone else in the room, “Well then I ain’t ready.” Cause are you seriously telling me that I would have to put away some of my tongue clucking, neck rolling and ‘nygga you musta lost your mind if you think we gon…', just so we could look like a team? From the view from here, that don’t look right. From the view from here, this looks like a muzzle being put on my opinions and true feelings about a situation. Like I don't have a brain. Or an education. Or the right to vote. Lol. And from my single girl perspective I’m on some ain’t no way that I could ignore reason and common sense, just to boost my man’s ego. Just to support his point of view. Just to keep peace at home.

I mean of course there’s the possibility that she actually did agree with him. But something in my spirit tells me that she was trying to save face for him. That even if she thought that he was dead wrong, that at the end of the day, him means them. And them is a team. So if he's going down with the ship, she's going to have to at least throw him a life vest, so he doesn't drown –in public. But I wonder what happened on the ride home. Did she tell him, “ok you made your point, now you gon’ have to let this go?” Did she rub his back and say baby it'll be ok? Did she put it on him when they got home to take his mind off things? Heh. We see where my mind goes.

How do you navigate these choppy marital waters, knowing that making the "wrong", seemingly unsupportive decision could send y'all in a completely different difection? And when is it support and when is it looking like a fool? I guess the obvious answer is that you don't know what to do until you're in it for real. Until you're part of a team - and know the value of your team and don't want to have to make any trades. And so I guess there comes a time when every woman realizes to make it work, you betta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, when to walk away and when to run.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

she and your man pt 2 (or link of the week)

so a few weeks ago, i wrote about cheating with married men. and double standards. and alicia keys.

i wondered where was the outrage for ms. keys for her goings on wit swizz beats. and wouldn't you know it a few days later, mashonda came wit the "truth." like mmmmmmhmmmm, told i knew there was more to this story!

but before i could write a brilliant post about it, the champ over at verysmartbrothas.com beat me to the punch. i must admit he did a much better job than i would have and managed to incorporate the title of one of the greatest romantic comedies ever made.

r&b antistar mashonda put alicia keys on twast (twitter blast) for pursuing a relationship with mashonda’s husband, swizz beatz.

inspired by a note on keys’ twitter account asking “in love, is it better to go for the choice that is smart or the choice that has spark?”, mashonda fired back, accusing the poor man’s beyonce of (paraphrasing) “extreme and blatant selfishiness for openly pursuing a man that’s married with children”. she also implied that keys’ music makes her a hypocrite and a fraud, since theres nothing empowering or pro-woman about boning another woman’s husband.

source: vsb.com

basically mashonda told alicia bout her self in the sweetest sugar honey iced tea way. but also acknowledged that every adult in the triangle had a role to play. including alicia keys. i don't know her personally but from my point of view, the outsider of the marriage needs to fall back. way back. no matter how strong the attraction. how unlike anything you've ever felt before it feels. if it's meant to be then taking a moment to breath and let the married party get their ducks and divorces in a row won't make it not so. it might just take a little longer.

an anonymous commenter to my last post said it best:

Preoccupation with society's inequitable treatment of adulterers (who said that?) is really beside the point and probably not worth trying to comprehend when establishing your own standards and conduct. Legal separation, to me, is not merely administrative. Rather, it is a transient and very personal stage of a couple's relationship - much like engagement - during which I would not recommend the intentional introduction of a third party. A commitment as significant as marriage is worth an exercise in patience and self-control for all currently and prospectively involved.

listen up alicia. and now, according to missjia.com, alicia has the nerve to launch a new blog to "uplift women and increase positivity" titled IAmSuperwoman.com. *blank stare*

i'm gon go a head and tell ya'll i was never feelin' alicia keys anyway. i'm a bit of a hater.
but what say ya'll?