Stand By Your Man?

So we had a church meeting last Sunday to discuss buying a house adjacent to the church property. If we bought the house, the church would to put it in simple terms, own the entire block. Now, for a majority of the church members, this seemed like an easy decision – at least buy the house, so you can have the land – cause like Oprah say, “land is the one thing God’s not making any more of.” But because we’re colored and humans beings who come in different shapes and sizes (heh), there were your naysayers.

So this one man, a major naysayer, takes the mic and goes on this crazy rant about how he has a problem with us wanting to "control the block” and then pretty much calls us racist (the reason why is a whole ‘nother story). Yeah the entire room was like huh? Excuse? Oh no he didn’t – we may be in church now, but wait till we get outside.

So anyway. Because we’re church folk dealing with money, there was more discussion than there ever needed to be. And then we finally voted by standing up. The yays went first. And then the nays. So of course major naysayer man stands up to vote no. And then in another pew, I see his wife standing. And I’m like, WORD?!? And I’m sitting there wondering, do you really agree with him lady or you just standing cause you don’t want him to look foolish on his own? Cause for real, only a handful of other folk voted no. And by handful, I mean 2 other people.

When I discussed this later on with my, been married for 36 years mama, she was all, “the wife had to stand. Cause she had to go home with that man. And so to keep the peace, sometimes you have to stand.” And then she continued with, “but please believe the whole church was thinking just what you were thinking.” Oh hell naw shawty, I say. Well not really, cause I don’t talk to my mama like that. But I did say, “Oh no. Ain’t no way I coulda stood in agreement on that mess. I woulda had to take him outside and we woulda had to have a come to Jesus moment in the bathroom." “No,” my mama said, “it don’t work like that.”

Say whaat?!? So much to learn! And I don’t even have any prospects to practice on. Tee hee. I told my mom and everyone else in the room, “Well then I ain’t ready.” Cause are you seriously telling me that I would have to put away some of my tongue clucking, neck rolling and ‘nygga you musta lost your mind if you think we gon…', just so we could look like a team? From the view from here, that don’t look right. From the view from here, this looks like a muzzle being put on my opinions and true feelings about a situation. Like I don't have a brain. Or an education. Or the right to vote. Lol. And from my single girl perspective I’m on some ain’t no way that I could ignore reason and common sense, just to boost my man’s ego. Just to support his point of view. Just to keep peace at home.

I mean of course there’s the possibility that she actually did agree with him. But something in my spirit tells me that she was trying to save face for him. That even if she thought that he was dead wrong, that at the end of the day, him means them. And them is a team. So if he's going down with the ship, she's going to have to at least throw him a life vest, so he doesn't drown –in public. But I wonder what happened on the ride home. Did she tell him, “ok you made your point, now you gon’ have to let this go?” Did she rub his back and say baby it'll be ok? Did she put it on him when they got home to take his mind off things? Heh. We see where my mind goes.

How do you navigate these choppy marital waters, knowing that making the "wrong", seemingly unsupportive decision could send y'all in a completely different difection? And when is it support and when is it looking like a fool? I guess the obvious answer is that you don't know what to do until you're in it for real. Until you're part of a team - and know the value of your team and don't want to have to make any trades. And so I guess there comes a time when every woman realizes to make it work, you betta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, when to walk away and when to run.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

she and your man pt 2 (or link of the week)

so a few weeks ago, i wrote about cheating with married men. and double standards. and alicia keys.

i wondered where was the outrage for ms. keys for her goings on wit swizz beats. and wouldn't you know it a few days later, mashonda came wit the "truth." like mmmmmmhmmmm, told i knew there was more to this story!

but before i could write a brilliant post about it, the champ over at verysmartbrothas.com beat me to the punch. i must admit he did a much better job than i would have and managed to incorporate the title of one of the greatest romantic comedies ever made.

r&b antistar mashonda put alicia keys on twast (twitter blast) for pursuing a relationship with mashonda’s husband, swizz beatz.

inspired by a note on keys’ twitter account asking “in love, is it better to go for the choice that is smart or the choice that has spark?”, mashonda fired back, accusing the poor man’s beyonce of (paraphrasing) “extreme and blatant selfishiness for openly pursuing a man that’s married with children”. she also implied that keys’ music makes her a hypocrite and a fraud, since theres nothing empowering or pro-woman about boning another woman’s husband.

source: vsb.com

basically mashonda told alicia bout her self in the sweetest sugar honey iced tea way. but also acknowledged that every adult in the triangle had a role to play. including alicia keys. i don't know her personally but from my point of view, the outsider of the marriage needs to fall back. way back. no matter how strong the attraction. how unlike anything you've ever felt before it feels. if it's meant to be then taking a moment to breath and let the married party get their ducks and divorces in a row won't make it not so. it might just take a little longer.

an anonymous commenter to my last post said it best:

Preoccupation with society's inequitable treatment of adulterers (who said that?) is really beside the point and probably not worth trying to comprehend when establishing your own standards and conduct. Legal separation, to me, is not merely administrative. Rather, it is a transient and very personal stage of a couple's relationship - much like engagement - during which I would not recommend the intentional introduction of a third party. A commitment as significant as marriage is worth an exercise in patience and self-control for all currently and prospectively involved.

listen up alicia. and now, according to missjia.com, alicia has the nerve to launch a new blog to "uplift women and increase positivity" titled IAmSuperwoman.com. *blank stare*

i'm gon go a head and tell ya'll i was never feelin' alicia keys anyway. i'm a bit of a hater.
but what say ya'll?

cause vs. cure

Recently, I’ve ventured to chuville and acquired services from my waxologist – Kimmichu. Now Kimmi has a wall of inspiration in her studio. This wall captures photos depicting moments in time that motivate her. On this wall, are a few celebrities. So, the topic centers around Diddy for a moment… Then Kimmi raises the question, “ Would you be the rebound?”

“Um, no”.

So, immediately my mind flashes back to the early ‘90s when I fell in love with my favorite movie of all time…. drumroll please….. Boomerang ….. ta da! Do ya remember how Halle damn forgot her screen name had to cure Marcus remembered Eddie’s screen name of Jacqueline (Robin Givens). Now, I share this with Kimmi and she highlights that being the cure has its advantages. But, I’m quick to remind her that being the cure only works if the timing is right in the man’s life to appreciate the goodness of you. It wasn’t that Halle was extraordinary special, rather Marcus was outsmarted at his own game. And being the loser at the game you think you’ve conceived is no fun. Literally, the world is flipped upside down. Marcus had had enough women prior to Jacqueline that his voracious appetite was satisfied at his ripe old age.

I have to remind Kimmi, the movie could have veered in a different direction.
Also, being the rebound is the equivalent of playing second fiddle to me. It ain't happening. To be somebody's anything other than #1 ain't working for me. Essentially, to be the rebound you have to acknowledge the fact that the man is hurting over his #1. Ain't no pity partner for you to party with over here shorty. Additionally, I go on to inform Kimmi I’m nice, but not that nice. And being the rebound is indication to me that you’re too nice or a damn fool. Well, Kimmi counters my response. She informs me that being the rebound allows the woman to repair the damaged goods, essentially be the cure. Hmmmm… semi-intriguing.

Since, I am not the cause for a man’s woes, I don’t want to be a pity partner. Bellini wants no part in that. Kimmi also suggests that she likes to be exposed to a man’s emotional side and when he’s down and out everything is on display. I really don’t see what’s intriguing about a man being emotional at the cause of another women. Bellini is not buying it. Homie go on and be sappy by yourself.

And here’s the thing that Kimmi and I didn’t have a chance to discuss. Why are woman attracted to a man when he’s damaged goods. Why can’t he already be in mint condition? There's nothing intriguing about expending energy to “cure” a man, especially when you ain’t the cause. You feel me? or not I don’t know, perhaps I have to mull over this topic some more and contemplate the ways. But I’m gonna need a few bellinis in the process.


cheers,

Bellini

P.S. Kimmi is real and so is chuville.
P.P.S. Thanks Kimmi for allowing me share our convo!

Reality Bites

Somewhere between the Real World Boston circa 1997 and today, most of what I watch on television is “reality” television. Does anyone else remember crazy Kameelah Phillips and her 100 plus requirements her man would need to possess? In my Google searching to see if she ever found that special someone, I found out that she’s a doctor now! Which I was amazed by because she’s moved on in her life, trying to find cures for diseases and whatnot, but here I am only remembering her for that list she wrote 12 years ago! It’s weird, this world we live in now where we can take bites from people’s lives and pretty much act like we know them, when in reality we don’t.

With that said I love watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta! And genuinely I was shocked to hear that Kandi Burruss’s ex-fiance A.J. passed away over the weekend. While I logically know the episode I just watched on Thursday night was taped months ago, it just feels like I’m watching them live their lives with no delay. And it’s weird that while watching this show I have been calling Kandi all sorts of stupid for linking up with a man who seemingly didn’t bring anything to the table and had all sorts of children by all sorts of women. I just couldn’t understand why she would entertain marrying someone after 6 months of meeting and knowing each other! And as one friend joked, did she buy that engagement ring herself? Because we know how we strong Black, independent sisters can be doing things for ourselves and our men folk! And then when Rum sent me the Essence.com article where Kandi said they had called off the engagement (yay) but she was the guardian of his two 12 year old daughters (saaaaaaaaay what) I had more fodder to talk about!

But for real for real, I don’t know Kandi or AJ beyond what I see. A few moments of their lives edited down to tell a story for my viewing entertainment and pleasure. But there is no denying that this sucks! His death of course, but the fact that this is now NEWS! Blog fodder. Something to Google search while at work. How many folks die on a regular basis? Ooodles! But if Ashely Jewell never met Kandi Burruss, who happened to be in a group called Xscape. And if GE never bought NBC who bought Bravo who discovered this delicious Real Housewives franchise. We never would have heard about the beating death of a Black man in a strip club who initiated the brawl in the first place. Is this reality? I’m thinking no-its too sensational-and we (myself included) can’t seem to get enough.

See You In Seven

What do you say, Courvoisier? (Part 5)

Dear Courvoisier,
I am sleeping with a guy who in the heat of the moment, says things like “I want you to have my baby.” “You want to have my baby right?” “Little boys just like me… like their daddy” “There’s no aborting this!” And I have to tell you this type of talk during the act scares me. I am not interested in having your babies. We talked about this! Remember, “I ain’t the baby mamma type!” This type of bed talk really upsets me because when everybody is cool, we both agree… no babies. He already has one baby mama. URGH! What should I do because I can’t take this non-sense and frankly it is the quickest way to turn off the action.
Potential Baby-Mama

Well chica, I don’t have to tell YOU... make sure you keep up on your depo shots or pills. This dude sounds like the crazy type to forget how to put a condom on in the heat of the moment. I won’t lie to you this one took me by surprise. How is this type of talk remotely a turn on. (chuckle) I had to call for back up. A friend of mine says that some men consider this type of dirty talk a come-on and it is like a fetish. WHAT?!? (chuckle) I just had to blog this one for the brothers… does the idea of impregnating a woman make it extra steaming in the bedroom? Does it matter if she is your girlfriend or wife?

Obviously potential baby mama isn’t married to dude, so what the heck? Does he like the idea of racking up baby mamas? Is that the new trend?

School Courvoisier…

Much luv and no unexpected babies until next week… peace :)

You Were Cc'd

I work for an organization that is composed of about 99.8% women. And since we can’t handle our problems by wrestling in the mud or just hauling off and slapping someone in the face soap opera style, a variety of passive aggressive responses to problems and challenges are displayed. This includes, but is not limited to: talking to everyone else, but the person about the problem (until it finally gets back to said person), making someone else do your ‘dirty’ work, foregoing solidarity and telling your supervisor everything about that co-worker you can't stand.

But I think one of the most passive aggressive, ‘I’m gonna git you sucka’ type ish that happens in the workplace is the use of the cc. We all know about the dreaded cc, right? If you've never had the pleasure to experience the greatness that is the cc, here are some scenarios.

So let's say you're at your desk working (or surfing the net), and for about half the day you and your co-worker have been having an email exchange that has borderlined on being a misunderstanding or a disagreement between you two, but for the most part has remained rather cordial and professional. And it’s not until you say that one thing that sets them off and next thing you know when your co-worker responds again, your boss has been cc’d. What the frick, you wanna scream?!? Now the dynamics have changed. They have decided to play dirty. And you end up looking like the crazy person. The uncooperative co-worker who won't play nice.

Or maybe you’re a lowly employee who’s having an exchange with your supervisor and you don’t like what task(s) they're giving you to do or how they want you to do it. And so your 'I'ma call you out on some ish you haven't done to take the heat off me' response includes a cc to they boss – knowing good and well that your supervisor is going to catch more hell than you, leaving you off the hook. For now at least.

Now, one could argue that the cc is used to ‘cover one’s tracks’ so to speak, have a paper trail that can be brought against the accused at a later date. But I think this is a punkest of punk moves. I feel that if you feel the need to use the cc, it should only be done for truly necessary reasons (like this person might not be the primary intended person for this info, but still needs to know this info) or strictly for drastic matters, like you bout to really whup that co-worker's ass and cc intervention is needed to talk you off the ledge. And should not be used for some everyday, it was your turn to make the coffee type mess. And don’t even get me started on the bcc.

But maybe I feel this way because I have no desire to swim a river, climb a corporate ladder, like so many of my counterparts. Instead, I just want to work my little job, make a decent salary that I can live on, have enough vacation hours to do my thang, and go home with no worries. I have absolutely no desire to prove anything to anybody. I don't want to defend my work ethic to you. And must we really come to email blows over some simple stuff? Knowing good and well something will happen tomorrow that is bound to set you off again. And so the cc cycle continues...

I'm telling y'all, some stop ccing shirts are so necessary. On some snitches get stitches. Ccin' gets beatins. Now run cc dat.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

a special day

do you know what today is?
it's our anniversary!

the 5 spot is 2 years young ya'll!

on october 1, 2007, dark and stormy opened the door and shared her feelings of being a grown woman. amaretto unlocked the secret to saving relationships: cups. as always, bellini spoke to the ladies about keeping themselves right and tight. i pondered the gloriousness of the rubberband man and rum punch closed out that first week with a post that epitomized what the view from here is all about.

women navigating our twenties in search of peace, happiness and love (or not). writing about everything and nothing. from the insane to the mundane; you will find different paths taken, lessons learned and lives lived.

over the past 2 years each of us has grown up and out in ways that we could not have imagined on october 1, 2007 when we set out to create this here blog. jobs changed, cross-country moves made, loves gained and lost (or snatched by b&b's), houses bought, trips taken, new friends made, daiquiris consumed, and most of all lessons learned. i for one have enjoyed the ride and i hope you have to.

ladies, raise your glasses! let's celebrate!

it's our anniversary!!