He's In Love With a Stripper?

"Somebody has to entertain the married men of America."

-Chris Rock

So I watched an episode of Shonda Rhimes’ new show Private Practice. Here's the story in a nutshell: Taye Diggs who is recently divorced from the angry Black woman (but they still co-own their practice) is sent a stripper by a colleague. You know, to cheer him up or to get his mind off the fact that he’s divorced. Even though every time he goes to work, he has a constant reminder…But I digress… So, the stripper shows up at his house and begins her little dance and Taye notices a rash on her ass. Cut to the stripper at the medical facility getting treated by another male doctor, that guy from Wings. Cut to all of the women at the practice being jealous and seriously insercure that there is a stripper in their midst. They seemed to have forgotten that they were intelligent, professional and equally attractive women. The show ends with angry Black ex-wife yelling at Taye about how his next woman can’t be a stripper. As if.

So this show got me thinking about women vs. strippers. As a former gentleman’s club* employee (and by employee, I mean waitress and by waitress I mean someone who served drinks and food on occasion), I know my skrippers. And I think that women could stand to learn a few things them and about strip clubs aka the Underworld. So here’s a short list:

1. First off, very few strippers are thinking about your man. They are instead thinking about those dollars. Instead of being worried that your man is at a strip club, looking & flirting with and being "tempted" by other women, you should be worried about how he can spend hundreds of dollars on drinks and random women. I have seen married men spend close to a thousand dollars and wondered, “do they have some secret strip club fund that they put money into? Cause if I’m going through the bills and I see that mess on our VISA bill, ain’t no way…” But again, I digress…

2. Now, here’s a little secret about men. Are you ready? Come close. Men are insecure. Tell us something we don’t know, Rum Punch. When men are together they are even more insecure and they are nasty. But their nastiness is a story for another day. Anyway. Men love to one up each other, show off. And strippers know this. And they exploit this.

Please tell me why a man will not buy a woman a drink at the club (who he may have a chance with) but will buy the stripper numerous drinks (who he has practically no chance with). It’s because in the club women come off holier than thou, like don't even waste your time trying to get this juicy stuff, be on some: 'I am worth more than a $10 goose and cran so don't be thinkin the panties will be tumbling down...all you did was buy me one drink and now you think that means I hafta talk to your ass...and now you wanna dance with me just cause you bought me a drink...' which is noble, by all means do you…but your ass might be thirsty the whole night.

Now, strippers don’t come off as whores per se but they do sell the fantasy, yes the fantasy, the idea that maybe if the man works really hard, (by using his money) he could have their juicy stuff. They boost a man’s ego, they caress his hand, stare him in the eye, they listen. Well they might not really be listening, they might be doing algebra equations in their head, figuring out how much money they can sweet talk him out of, but they give the illusion of listening. And yes ladies, men have issues and they want us to listen. Shoot, even as a waitress, I “listened” to more personal stories than I care to remember which eventually led to a loyal customer and a good tip.

3. Now this one can be hard for us ladies to wrap our minds around but very few men care about a woman’s flaws. Well, unless they’re crazy visible. I gotta tell you that there were quite a few strippers in the over 35 category who were wrinkling and getting cellulite. And they still made money. Never mind that some of these men's wives were probably the same age and had similar aging issues...In the strip club those things seem to go unnoticed by men...

Oh, but when women come into the strip club we are looking hard at each dancer, critiquing everything, her face-she ain’t that cute, her body- look at those stretch marks and that c-section scar, the way she walks, her messed up weave, questioning why she is all greased down shinin' like she bathed in Vaseline and baby oil. Men don’t care about that mess. If she is naked, looks decent that way and can shake her ass especially real fast, then that is all that matters. They have gotten their money’s worth. So this means that men don’t care about how you look naked. They just want to see you naked. Think about it, marinate on it and then embrace that back fat! Now, I’m not saying show your back fat to everyone…Just that when you meet the person you think is worthy, don’t let insecurity take control…

4. Lastly, men know that strippers are not that bright. They do not come in expecting to have discussions about Iraq and the 2008 elections. And they love a woman who can hold an actual conversation, so in the real world, of stripper vs. woman, the “woman” would win most of the time. I say most, because there are some shallow guys out there.

The strip club is a fantasy world, a break from reality. Men are loved and adored by women (yes, they’re paying for it, but they seem to forget that important detail). For a few hours, they don’t have to hear about the mortgage, the kids, the job, or get yelled at for not picking up their draws off the floor. They can just be. Strippers serve their purpose, they do their job and they do it well.

Now I’m not saying give your man a free pass to the strip club (because a strip club regular is not a good look and becomes an easy mark) but maybe you and your man can visit the strip club together and spice things up a little bit. But please don’t go in there hating on the girls. Because a stripper will cut a bitch. I know you’ve seen Player’s Club…

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday! Wishing everyone a safe and happy holiday!

*These are my observations of men who patron “real” strip clubs that have signs out front and a liquor license. If your man is a regular at the hole in the wall strip club, where it’s B.Y.O.B., and any woman can come in and give $5 lap dances for the night so she can make her rent money…y’all have issues and you may need to seek counseling.