Musings Of A Thick Chick (Trying to Lose Weight)

Hello World! Yeah, so it’s going on five months since I wrote this. And since then I’ve been trying to lose weight or at least become healthier by consistently working out and eating right. And um here are some things I’ve learned along the way:

• Squats are evil. I mean seriously evil. And in boot camp we do something called The Matrix: 24 squats, 24 lunges, 24 jump lunges and 24 jump squats. My legs and thighs will be on fiyah! And not for good reasons! There was no pleasure involved. No pushing my legs, back, forward, sideways all in the name of a good grinding session so that when I'm like, "Damn my legs hurt," I can at least smile about the reason...


• I hate to run. I mean that trot, trot, trot, run. But let me tell y’all what I can do apparently, sprint. Man, we had a relay race in boot camp the other day and I took off like Flo Jo! And with my long and silky weave flying in the wind, I was looking just like her! All I needed was some long, acrylic nails! Hmmm and maybe a one legged pants/shorts outfit... Now the boot camp trainers are talking about how I’ve been holding back all this time and now they see what they can do. I’m ascared. Especially since they were saying something about how I should do some sprint training. I looked at them like, what the hell? Something about sprinting 200 yards and then walking 200 yards. I don’t know, I saw their mouths moving but after they said, “you just go to the track” it’s really all a blur after that… And speaking of boot camp…


• Why is there always one skinny, athletic, fit chick in boot camp? Does this heffa not know that boot camp is for fat or slightly chunky out of shape people who have to take drastic measures, like waking up at the freakin’ crack of dawn to lose weight? No, this skinny chick is there to change up her workout routine. I swear y’all there is this one girl, she’s Russian or Bosnian or Serbian, one of those ians (yes, I know that was oh so politically incorrect), she’s like an Olympic trained athlete. Ok, not the Olympics, but Olympics lite. Like a junior body builder or something. This chick was practically doing one handed push-ups. Everyone was looking at her like, really Natasha? Really? I think some woman just stopped her push-ups all together and laid down on her mat. Like, why bother? I suppose she could serve as an inspiration. But from where I’m squatting, she's just pissing me off.


• Why can’t I lose weight as fast as I put it on? I mean it didn’t take nothing to put it on, just an extra 1 or 2 rolls here, a late night after work Jr. Bacon cheeseburger, some wings and fries, a few steak tacos, some vodka and cranberries to wash it all down.


• Jesus be a carbohydrate. A bad starch. A white sugar, flour enriched product. A buttery roll. A bowl of pasta. A loaded baked potato. Some homemade mac and cheese. An ice cold Pepsi.



• If loving these is wrong then I don't wanna be right! It’s probably bad to be eating something called fat boy, right? I mean it kinda says it all doesn’t it? Every bite I take, the sandwich is like, “Hey there! I don't wanna be a lonely fat boy. I need a fat girl to keep me company. Here pretty fat, girl..." I know that eating one just cancels out my hard morning workout, but they’re sooo good y’all!


• Getting discipline is a mothafucka.


• Why is the tummy the last thing to go? Why is everything else sliming down? Hips. Thighs. Arms. Face. But that tummy is like, "I ain't goin' nowhere..." Jiggle, jiggle...


• I have realized that losing weight is like growing out a bad haircut. Meaning it’s a process. And as you lose weight, you’re gonna start to feel worse because when you look in the mirror, you ask yourself, “Am I still big? Shit! How big was I before I lost that 10 pounds?” Or is that just me...


• Dance classes are fun though!


• I sho’ll do appreciate Black men loving me either way, through thick or thin. LOL! No, seriously I like when I tell y’all I’m trying to lose weight, y’all raise your eyebrows and be like, “oh you don’ t need to lose weight girl…” Yes! But no. I do. For me. For my health. For my love of certain clothes and fashion (that I wouldn't dare wear right now). It's all about blazers and things that float away from the body right now.

So basically, these five months have been joy and pain. Pump it up, pump it up. Sunshine and rain.* Keep it going, keep it going...

That's my time y'all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

*Literally. We were doing boot camp in the rain yesterday. Sigh.