Wedding Dress Blues

Y’all, I have found my wedding dress! Say word, Rum Punch? Word! I know what you readers are thinking: you didn’t even know that I was engaged, I don’t talk about it in my weekly posts and it’s not even in my description on the right side of the page. And that’s because, I’m not engaged, nowhere close, but I have found my wedding dress. And if I may say so, it’s simply divine!

Now to prove that I’m not crazy, (cause isn’t that what sane people do), I have to tell y’all that I am not one of those women who has been planning her wedding since the age of 5. I don’t have everything picked out: invitations, venue, colors, bridesmaids, reception place, flowers, etc, etc. I didn’t even have an idea for my wedding dress. But I have been watching this show on TLC, Say Yes to the Dress which follows employees who work at a fabulous bridal store in New York. So in my down time, I just happened to mosey on over to the bridal store’s web site and lo and behold, I found my wedding dress! Now onto finding my husband!

Or not.

As I get older, I have tried to stay away from making definitive statements, saying things like: when I get married, or my husband is gonna be x,y,z, or I can’t wait until my husband and I get our dream house, travel the world, have 6 babies and a dog. Cause truth be told, I don’t like dogs and who knows when and damn sure if I’ll get married. Some people call that pessimistic, that if you don’t believe it, then it won’t happen. I call it realistic. Because the truth is that part of growing up is accepting that you don’t always get what you want when you want it and sometimes you just don't get it at all... Now, I know a lot of women are part of the name it, claim it, believe it, receive it school of thought. And I understand the importance of wanting something and believing that it will happen. Nothing wrong with that. But what if it doesn’t happen on your timeline? What will happen to your life? What will you do then?

I can recall my associate pastor sharing this pearl of wisdom with me: “I had reached a certain age, and I had watched all my girlfriends get married, but not me, and I had to accept the fact that I might never get married.” Wow. You need a spoonful of sugar to get that reality pill down. That’s not the life so many girls who become women envision for themselves. My associate pastor eventually did get married in her late forties, past child bearing age, but there was still time to build a life with somebody. Two of my mother’s friends, one in her early fifties and the other in her late sixties are getting married for the first time (not to each other obviously)...

Last week I wrote about witnessing my parents’ successful marriage of nearly 35 years. However, the rest of my family (on my mother’s side at least) tell a different tale. I have female family members who are divorced or even “worse” have never been married and dare I say that they seem to have survived in this world and enjoyed their lives sans (that's without- for those who don't parle francais) a husband. I have older female family members who were married, but their husbands (my grandfather included) passed away long before I was born so they have been widowed for 25+ years. So as I got older I realized that marriage was not necessarily the path that every woman took; and just because you got married didn’t mean that shit would last forever and there wouldn’t be the possibility that you might have to walk alone again…

Then why oh why am I looking, dreaming and tempted to buy this wedding dress and keep it in the closet until I find the “one”? I told Amaretto that this dress would be the perfect dress, if I were dating someone right now and if they were going to propose and if I were going to be married soon. Her response: that’s a lot of ifs. And then my grandma hit me with more truth and logic talking abou: “you found the dress but have you found the man?” Oh my goodness granny! No, I haven't. And who's to say that when and if I do find him, this will be the perfect dress for our big day? It should be reflective of our courtship, our vision, who we are...Maybe we'll decide to have a casual wedding (that would be such a reach for me though) or maybe we'll elope or go to the courthouse or get married in the backyard like my family constantly suggests...the possibilities are endless...

So now I'm left with all these feelings and emotions...Am I becoming one of those women who is dreaming about the wedding (cause I know I would look f-a-b-o) but not about the marriage, the making a life with someone... What has happened to my carpe diem attitude? I had promised myself to stop fantasizing and just take life day by day, working on my personal goals and letting love come when it’s time. Where is my ‘your life won’t end if you never get married’ mentality? I saw that damn dress and all that went out the window! I know that I can regain my composure and get this out my system. This was just a glitch in the matrix. All I need to do is try that dress on one time! Who’s down for a road trip to New York City?

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!