Happy Valentine’s Day…a day for love and all that jazz. Everybody deserves a little love right? Not just brotherly and sisterly love, love from your mama nem, love from your bestest friends but there persists this notion that everyone deserves to experience that one love, between soul mates if you will, a man and a woman presumably, the one that was made for you and you for him, who ain’t bout that bullshit and this love will lead to marriage and security and bliss. Or not.
I was talking to rum punch a few days ago about this notion. She was jumping off dark and stormy’s post about Black women complaining that there aren’t any good men and dirty red’s comment about some Black men also having a hard time finding good women. And this really stuck in rum’s craw (and mine too for that matter). It got me to thinking…
What is this amorphous “good” everybody’s screaming bout they can’t find?
Finished school, Got a job, Girl do your thang (c) little brother
No kids, 401K, can cook a mean spicy chicken wang (lol my attempt at the rhymes, forgive me)
But really, women are scrambling to make sure they have the wifely resume all set, educated and just independent enough, can cook clean and dip it real low and nasty in the bedroom and according to dark and stormy, with her lip balm and hair always hooked before she leaves the house. Isn’t having all these qualities “good” enough? wellll.... it seems not to be cause there are plenty “good” women by these standards running around.
Now I know there are some scalawags from both sexes among us talking bout they are quality material but put those people out of your mind for a minute and think on your friends and associates who are sane, funny, intelligent, good-looking, hard-working Americans just trying to find love. Think on those “good” men and women.
As Rum said, aren’t we good women, why don’t we have a man? I replied, are we really “good” women?
Hear me out, in the traditional sense we are banging, damn good. But for the male counterparts we have encountered thus far, are we the “good” that they are apparently so desperately searching for and vice versa? No matter how good we see ourselves, if it’s not the good ish that these men we encounter are looking for, aint nothing we can do but continue to look around cause the goods don’t match….
But to many women that’s unacceptable, just plain sucks. And I said as much to Rum. I told her, it’s like applying to law school. You can have perfect LSAT score, straight A’s on your college transcript, a well crafted personal statement with a diatribe on how you’ll save the world with your law degree. And you can apply to your dream school, Harvard. Yet you could still get that skinny envelope with the admission denied letter inside.
Why? You’ll ask yourself, aren’t I good enough, didn’t I have it all together, the perfect package? I deserve to be accepted.
Sadly, no you don’t. Law school admissions, and by my estimation, this whole man/woman dating/marriage thing don’t work like that. Maybe Harvard was looking for less than perfect, someone a little older, more committed to the cause, with more experience or compassion, or maybe someone got their application in a little bit earlier than you did and stole that last spot.
And what can you do? You can’t beg and pled with Harvard and no matter how well connected your parents are or how much money you have, if Harvard has picked someone else, that’s it.
Maybe Harvard isn’t for you, maybe Yale’s where you should be or Duke or some state law school. You won’t say there aren’t any good law school’s out there because Harvard rejected you (will you?). If you want to be a lawyer bad enough, you’ll keep applying and maybe you’ll find a match or maybe you'll decide that law school ain’t for you. You’ll do other, just as meaningful things with your life.
And this is how I’ve come to understand this idea of that good-good, soul mate-type love and marriage. Just cause you’re a good woman and you do all the right things and perfectly position yourself for love doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed, that it will fall in your lap when you look up and say I’m ready.
That kinda love is a privilege, not a right.
I was talking to rum punch a few days ago about this notion. She was jumping off dark and stormy’s post about Black women complaining that there aren’t any good men and dirty red’s comment about some Black men also having a hard time finding good women. And this really stuck in rum’s craw (and mine too for that matter). It got me to thinking…
What is this amorphous “good” everybody’s screaming bout they can’t find?
Finished school, Got a job, Girl do your thang (c) little brother
No kids, 401K, can cook a mean spicy chicken wang (lol my attempt at the rhymes, forgive me)
But really, women are scrambling to make sure they have the wifely resume all set, educated and just independent enough, can cook clean and dip it real low and nasty in the bedroom and according to dark and stormy, with her lip balm and hair always hooked before she leaves the house. Isn’t having all these qualities “good” enough? wellll.... it seems not to be cause there are plenty “good” women by these standards running around.
Now I know there are some scalawags from both sexes among us talking bout they are quality material but put those people out of your mind for a minute and think on your friends and associates who are sane, funny, intelligent, good-looking, hard-working Americans just trying to find love. Think on those “good” men and women.
As Rum said, aren’t we good women, why don’t we have a man? I replied, are we really “good” women?
Hear me out, in the traditional sense we are banging, damn good. But for the male counterparts we have encountered thus far, are we the “good” that they are apparently so desperately searching for and vice versa? No matter how good we see ourselves, if it’s not the good ish that these men we encounter are looking for, aint nothing we can do but continue to look around cause the goods don’t match….
But to many women that’s unacceptable, just plain sucks. And I said as much to Rum. I told her, it’s like applying to law school. You can have perfect LSAT score, straight A’s on your college transcript, a well crafted personal statement with a diatribe on how you’ll save the world with your law degree. And you can apply to your dream school, Harvard. Yet you could still get that skinny envelope with the admission denied letter inside.
Why? You’ll ask yourself, aren’t I good enough, didn’t I have it all together, the perfect package? I deserve to be accepted.
Sadly, no you don’t. Law school admissions, and by my estimation, this whole man/woman dating/marriage thing don’t work like that. Maybe Harvard was looking for less than perfect, someone a little older, more committed to the cause, with more experience or compassion, or maybe someone got their application in a little bit earlier than you did and stole that last spot.
And what can you do? You can’t beg and pled with Harvard and no matter how well connected your parents are or how much money you have, if Harvard has picked someone else, that’s it.
Maybe Harvard isn’t for you, maybe Yale’s where you should be or Duke or some state law school. You won’t say there aren’t any good law school’s out there because Harvard rejected you (will you?). If you want to be a lawyer bad enough, you’ll keep applying and maybe you’ll find a match or maybe you'll decide that law school ain’t for you. You’ll do other, just as meaningful things with your life.
And this is how I’ve come to understand this idea of that good-good, soul mate-type love and marriage. Just cause you’re a good woman and you do all the right things and perfectly position yourself for love doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed, that it will fall in your lap when you look up and say I’m ready.
That kinda love is a privilege, not a right.
10 comments:
There is agreement here. Beyond being good enough, like you said-who said finding love is a right.
I’m not being pessimistic but I just wonder if there is a script everyone is following. Are we all playing the got my education, got a career, just need the marriage, the house and kids role? The notion that we are all going to have that and in that order is crazy! Women outnumber men 2 to 1, so unless Big Love situations are about to be legalized we aren’t all gonna have this cookie cutter life.
I just hope people, women in particular get to the point where they can live their lives as individuals and be able to accept whatever or whomever comes their way.
I have a few female friends who are in a panic b/c they're in their early 30's and are still single. But what alot of women fail to realize is that a marriage/relationship does not complete you. Until you're good enough for yourself, how could you possibly be good enough for someone else. Great post!
Great post. I love the law school analogy. I think a lot of "good" women aren't really as good as they think they are. Sure, they look good on paper but some are bitter and/or desperate. It's not a good look and men can sense it just like animals sense fear.
"No matter how good we see ourselves, if it’s not the good ish that these men we encounter are looking for, aint nothing we can do but continue to look around cause the goods don’t match…."
Damn true. I swear my momma just said almost the EXACT same words the other day... I sent moms your post 'cause I know she'd enjoy it :)
So why can't we just live and be content because we are living? Isn't life the ultimate blessing?
@ amaretto & fbc, i couldn't agree more
@ geckgirl, but my point is this, even if you are the proverbial good, on paper and not bitter and/or desparate and you still don't have a man...what then? prepare yourself for that.
@ dark & stormy, oh if only we could just be content with living. but we are humans, hard-wired to be joined with another.
"Good" is perception. Good man, good woman, good life. Who dictates that? Who determines the level called good? Is there some pre-defined high water mark that you must achieve to be considered good? Is there a "good" checklist? When you work on yourself, you try to become the best person you can be and then you accept the notion that even at that point, you will continue to grow. And I think the same goes for finding a mate. You don't go looking for a good man. You welcome the person that's best for you regardless of these wack societal standards.
Am I the only one who thinks that everyone is sayin something but nothing is really being said? These are nice cliches, nice platitudes all of this: good is relative, get yourself together and love will come, but if it doesn't just live life and enjoy. Um ok. But Amaretto hinted at that pink elephant in the room which is this: strictly lookin at numbers, some women ain't gettin married (ever or before the age of 40)and it's sheer odds at this point, doesn't matter how "good" you are, your stats, what you look like on paper, if you takin yoga and goin to church and are happy w/ yourself. So I guess I wish that people would just say that, because everything else seems like excuses or things we have to keep telling ourselves so we can make it through the days. I think we are making things harder than they need to be and if both sides relaxed a little bit, well now I'm tryin to have us teleport to the 1950s, so I'll stop there...
@ mint julep - Then, like funkyblackchick said, be happy with yourself. If you're not happy alone, you won't be happy in a relationship. Being in a relationship is not all there is to life and it's no substitute for having a life. Also, to piggyback off what funkyfresh said, don't go looking for a good man. Do you and trust that in time, that good man will find you.
I'm not quite sure how the numbers are different from any other "excuses" that were mentioned.
Good on paper doesn't equate to good with relationships. I've observed that a handful of my friends are good on paper; however, they are emotional insecrure wrecks and it's no surprise that they are single and 30+.
With me, I'm not one that thrives on relationships because the satisfaction level is shifty. I've always invested more energy/time in school/career because I can see the fruits of my hard labor (work hard, get A; work hard, get a bonus). Relationships = work hard, get screwed over.
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