I love him. I love him not... I love him. I love him not...
I don't want to love him because I ain't got time for such matters right now. I'm mad busy trying to get my life in order. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle and getting my body back in shape, looking for a new job, figuring out what I want to do with my life, identifying my dreams and taking steps to follow them... In a nutshell- working on ME. It's a full time gig times 3.
At the beginning of this year I met a brother whom I was instantly attracted to. I'm not sure how to describe it but the initial attraction was not physical. It was chemical, almost, if that makes any sense. He had this vibe about him that I had never encountered before and yet it felt entirely too familiar. I wrote it off as him just being a charismatic person and didn't give it too much more thought. On several occasions, he invited my homegirl and I to attend social events that either he or his friends were hosting. We mostly socialized in group settings with a quick phone call or email here or there. One night, we sat on the phone for two hours and talked about any and everything and nothing. It was then that I realized I liked him.
Now before I go any further with these [personal] thoughts, I'd like to point out that there have been many men that I have met, had great conversations with, had a couple of nice dates with, and then never called again because they just didn't do it for me. It doesn't take long for me to decide on whether or not a brother will get the boot. I don't need to kiss you, or ingage in any other intimate acts, to decide. I don't entertain a man's company just to ward off a little loneliness or to partake of a free meal/outing. And if I really need to get my rocks off I already have potential maintenance men, therefore the services of a stranger (read: guy I just met) are not needed.
Back to the story. So one day, about three months ago, I called brother man and asked if he'd like to join me at a sports bar to watch a basketball game. He was down and suggested we check out a band that was playing that night. We did both. What I anticipated to be an evening of fun turned into a 24 hour whirlwind of our energies merging. In every sense of the word. Mind sex with him is so powerful... it only further enhances any physical contact that may occur. And I had not felt such passion in years. No really. Y-e-a-r-s. My last serious relationship lacked passion. It was nice, loving, safe, and comfortable. But not passionate.
Sometimes I wonder if we fell in love that day and it just took us the next three months to understand what went down and believe that the shit was possible. Well, part of me is still not ready to believe. Guess that's why I am typing this post. Or maybe me typing this post is helping me to better understand what the hell I have gotten myself into...
I'm sure by now you're wondering why I would be bothered by what seems to be such a sweet thing. I have been blessed to share a slice of my life with a man who loves life, is hardworking, and has a good heart. He's smart as hell and very talented. He's generous and respectful and has been very good to me. He understands this storm within; most who I encounter never will. And he recently told me that his life is too complicated and that he's got too much going on to be able to give me the kind of undivided attention and love I deserve.
Not only am I not mad at him, I respect his honesty. I am only mad at myself for getting caught up, way more than I realized. My intentions have always been to simply enjoy what we had going on and ride it out. To enjoy it while it lasted. See I thought I was doing a good job of keeping my heart on lock. Until we had a conversation yesterday about loving each other. And while he was very open with me, I would not allow myself to reciprocate the feeling. I'm sure he could read my face but I my lips were frozen in fear. Talk about vulnerability in rare form.
He and I have been discussing an "exit strategy", regarding the way in which our relationship has progressed and our choice to shift its gears due to the circumstances. Why should I even entertain the notion of love if it will not or cannot be transmitted to the intended receptor? And why the hell didn't he just keep his mouth shut and let me continue to live in denial? Now I have to actually think about it.
It's easier to let go if I love him not.
My head hurts. Other organs shall soon follow suit.
Tumultuously Yours,
Dark & Stormy
10 comments:
as i read this, i saw a whole lot of fear, from you and from him, fear of becoming vulnerable and loving, and falling deeper in love, so ya'll have concocted this bullshit "exit strategy." wtf! this is a relationship not a business deal or a sucky job you gots to get out of.
i want you to read back thru this post as if it were some one else writin. cause if i met someone like yo boy, i'd be excited.
forever gon be so fun (c) ceelo.
he lovin you, you lovin him. sigh.
i'd ask you this: what more growing do you think you need to do, that you can't possibly do while lovin someone who loves you? what dont you have that you need to be able to love him and be in a relatinship with him?
to him i'd ask: you say you got too much going on, but obviously not that much stuff b/c ya'll have been hanging tight thus far
and he hasn't been treatin you like shit thus far, has he? he's been kickin it pretty damn good, right?
i know this is long but for me, a lover of love who seeks to connect with someone in the way you've described and have it be reciprocal, i can't understand why you'd walk away, except fear.
Raising my pen to co-sign with Mint Julep.
I've always thought you as the adventurous type. It's cool to be afraid-being afraid of the unknown is human. But it ain't cool to let it keep you from what you truly deserve...(read: Love and happiness)
From what you've written, it seems like your heart is ready to be unlocked, who's to say this brotha isn't the one?
Wow, that picture you found was fantastic! Now onto my comment. I'm going to have to third that motion that Mint Julep has put on the table and Amaretto has seconded. And I do remember in my Friday night haze telling you that you loved that man. And you trying to deny. Just call me Prophet Rum Punch. Anywhoo. As Amaretto and I have joked, girl, you seem to have found your prayer request! Or you've found someone who truly loves you and you love him back. And y'all have concoted some mess about doing your own thing, when y'all essentially want to do similar things (professionally that is). So why can't y'all do them together? Why can't y'all build together? Why can't you continue to ride this thing called love and see where it takes you? If you hadn't put these labels on it, what would you have done? I know we are all in different places when it comes to wanting to get married, so I won't take it there-but I will take it here-Five, ten years from now, I think I speak for all of us when I say, I don't wanna hear no coulda, shoulda, woulda...Cause we will say, "um what now heffa? Don't make us take it to the post!" In all seriousness, it sounds like what you have doesn't come around often. So are you sure you want to just let it go?
Please allow a stranger to add her 2 cents. I agree one million percent with MJ, Amaretto and Rum Punch...you sound a little scared.
There's NOTHING WRONG with being afraid--you're H-U-M-A-N, aren't ya? I don't know you or your situation enough to say that you're IN LOVE, but it suuuuure sounds like it!
The BOTH of you seem to be in denial of your emotions:
1. As far as your not having "time for such matters right now"...if not NOW, WHEN? If not HIM, then WHO? Your life will never be "perfect" you will always have goals for yourself and your calendar will NEVER be "free"...You've GOT to give SOMEONE a chance! If not, then what's the purpose of DATING? I'm not saying that you date to find a HUSBAND (because I was never on a "husband hunt") but aren't you dating to find a decent guy to spend time with? I don't get it...It sounds to me that this guy is cool--let it be him!WHY the hell not? Life's a gamble! You don't want to regret NOT letting this guy know how you REALLY feel about him. Who knows that it WON'T work out??? (If marriage is something that you want, you COULD be letting your future husband slip thru your f-i-n-g-e-r-s!!!) YOU NEVER KNOW!!!
2. The "exit strategy" reference sounds a little too Iraq War-ish and terms like that shouldn't be used when it comes to a GOOD relationship. It sounds like it's going great thusfar!
3. "He's-got-too-much-going-on- and-his-life-is-complicated" nonsense! We're all grown ass people! Whose life ISN'T COMPLICATED?!?!? That's a cop-out because people find time to do what they want and with WHOM they want! He is afraid, so he had to put on the brakes with that BS...
All I can say is that you HAVE to stay true to yourself...there's NOTHING wrong with being vulnerable (I didn't say STUPID) by opening up to someone you have feelings for. If the feelings aren't reciprocated??? NEXT!!!!!!!! There will be someone who feels the same for you AND MORE, but you have to be willing to let it happen.
PS - sorry for all of the CAPS and exclamation points--I was a little riled up! hahaha (and AS USUAL, I long-winded...that's how I do!)
:o)
do u but be honest with yourse;f
...if not now..when?
is what comes to mind...no time is ever going to be perfect to place yourself in a relationship..if the connection and feelings are there, then you work it out....
Its funny, because I rarely see so much of myself in someone else's post.
I fall into the "I'm doing too much to be settled down" category ... but its so common for guys I don't think twice about it.
My friends keep telling me what happened to you will happen to me. I'm really interested to see how it plays out as this almost seems like forshadowing for my life.
enuff everyone: dark'n'stormy you betta claim his ass and ride that shit out--we need to do lunch b4 the month is over...in the near future i will do my "claim him" post; but not tomorrow-- i need to talk about other issues... call me heffa!
Hey gurrl I can total relate! you know what you are reminded of the passion! Gurrl...mmm! I know this is easier said then done but you will get over it and you will meet someone that will make you dance again and when you do I want you to write about it! But until then love will come when you least expect it!
Wow! I agree with the others there definitely is some fear. One thing I believe is that if it's meant for you it will happen. I could tell you countless stories on people re-connecting after weird circumstances. I say just enjoy it while it lasted. Keep on your path of working on 'YOU' which is most important. Plus your personal growth will make you a better mate.
Look at it like this... What if the timing is off right now? Everything in our lives especially love is about timing. Not to give any false hope, but just let life take it's path. Be glad you got a chance to experience something like this. I know easier said than done, but it works.
Good luck
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