I love him. I love him not... I love him. I love him not...
I don't want to love him because I ain't got time for such matters right now. I'm mad busy trying to get my life in order. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle and getting my body back in shape, looking for a new job, figuring out what I want to do with my life, identifying my dreams and taking steps to follow them... In a nutshell- working on ME. It's a full time gig times 3.
At the beginning of this year I met a brother whom I was instantly attracted to. I'm not sure how to describe it but the initial attraction was not physical. It was chemical, almost, if that makes any sense. He had this vibe about him that I had never encountered before and yet it felt entirely too familiar. I wrote it off as him just being a charismatic person and didn't give it too much more thought. On several occasions, he invited my homegirl and I to attend social events that either he or his friends were hosting. We mostly socialized in group settings with a quick phone call or email here or there. One night, we sat on the phone for two hours and talked about any and everything and nothing. It was then that I realized I liked him.
Now before I go any further with these [personal] thoughts, I'd like to point out that there have been many men that I have met, had great conversations with, had a couple of nice dates with, and then never called again because they just didn't do it for me. It doesn't take long for me to decide on whether or not a brother will get the boot. I don't need to kiss you, or ingage in any other intimate acts, to decide. I don't entertain a man's company just to ward off a little loneliness or to partake of a free meal/outing. And if I really need to get my rocks off I already have potential maintenance men, therefore the services of a stranger (read: guy I just met) are not needed.
Back to the story. So one day, about three months ago, I called brother man and asked if he'd like to join me at a sports bar to watch a basketball game. He was down and suggested we check out a band that was playing that night. We did both. What I anticipated to be an evening of fun turned into a 24 hour whirlwind of our energies merging. In every sense of the word. Mind sex with him is so powerful... it only further enhances any physical contact that may occur. And I had not felt such passion in years. No really. Y-e-a-r-s. My last serious relationship lacked passion. It was nice, loving, safe, and comfortable. But not passionate.
Sometimes I wonder if we fell in love that day and it just took us the next three months to understand what went down and believe that the shit was possible. Well, part of me is still not ready to believe. Guess that's why I am typing this post. Or maybe me typing this post is helping me to better understand what the hell I have gotten myself into...
I'm sure by now you're wondering why I would be bothered by what seems to be such a sweet thing. I have been blessed to share a slice of my life with a man who loves life, is hardworking, and has a good heart. He's smart as hell and very talented. He's generous and respectful and has been very good to me. He understands this storm within; most who I encounter never will. And he recently told me that his life is too complicated and that he's got too much going on to be able to give me the kind of undivided attention and love I deserve.
Not only am I not mad at him, I respect his honesty. I am only mad at myself for getting caught up, way more than I realized. My intentions have always been to simply enjoy what we had going on and ride it out. To enjoy it while it lasted. See I thought I was doing a good job of keeping my heart on lock. Until we had a conversation yesterday about loving each other. And while he was very open with me, I would not allow myself to reciprocate the feeling. I'm sure he could read my face but I my lips were frozen in fear. Talk about vulnerability in rare form.
He and I have been discussing an "exit strategy", regarding the way in which our relationship has progressed and our choice to shift its gears due to the circumstances. Why should I even entertain the notion of love if it will not or cannot be transmitted to the intended receptor? And why the hell didn't he just keep his mouth shut and let me continue to live in denial? Now I have to actually think about it.
It's easier to let go if I love him not.
My head hurts. Other organs shall soon follow suit.
Dark & Stormy