Um yeah and these are the "clean" versions. I know y'all have seen worse at the club or on the block. Now first off this can't be comfortable. It's clear that these women's pants are too tight and are probably cutting off some circulation. Secondly, as I've mentioned before I'm a thick chick and I will acknowledge that I have a little bit of a tummy, so I definitely sympathize with my sisters out there. It's not a good look in general. But it's definitely not a good look when your clothes don't fit. And while I'm working on geting my tum tum down, in the mean time I have learned how to camouflage it. Now admitedly I'm no fashionista but um, I have learned over the years that it's all about blazers and shirts that float away from the body. And most importantly it's about buying clothes that fit. Even if that means having to go up a size or two. Yes, that's hard, admitting that you're really a size 14 and not a 10, but trust me it will serve you and society as whole. I think I speak for many people when I say that we don't need to see your jelly belly shake, shake, shake! So, good people out there, will you please help me spread the gospel? Will you carry this post in your pocket and if you a see a woman like this (or worse), please politely tell her to tune in to TLC's What Not to Wear every Friday night at 9 p.m. EST. And let them know that sometimes there are Saturday marathons! This has been your Rum Punch Public Service Announcement!*
I can't think of a good transition sentence...
So y'all Very Smart Brothas wrote a post a little while ago about the goggles. In addition to beer goggles, they gave other other examples of when objects in mirror may look better than they are in reality. One of them was drought googles. You know when you haven't gotten any in awhile and suddenly every person of the opposite sex starts looking yummy. Y'all, I think I'm there.
The other day I ran into a young man who I know. He is all of 19 years old. As we were parting ways, he going to the bus, I going to my car (cause I'm a grown ass woman who lives at home dammit) he maneuvered a ride home from me. So, while we were walking and talking, I realized that this young man is quite intelligent with a touch of innocence and naivete. Man, I could shape and mold him, I thought. To test my theory when we came to a puddle I said to him, "Now this is where you would lay your jacket down so I wouldn't step in the puddle." Never mind that he wasn't wearing a jacket. He rolled with it and said, "but instead of ruining a good jacket, couldn't I just carry you over the puddle." And I said, "Well I don't want you to hurt yourself." While in my mind I was thinking, "Okkkk! Play on playa." Or as Amaretto said: PIMP JUICE!
During the ride home we chatted and exchanged some more witty banter which let me say I didn't realize I had been missing. I mean he even used the phrase, by the by. I mean how cute is that? And I was thinking, "Whoa Rum Punch, get a hold of yourself. I know it's been a long time since you got some, but you can't start preying on the youngins'..." But I now realize why older women go for younger men. In addition to him being smart and funny, the best part was that he was malleable. I felt like if given the chance, if I worked it and twerked it right, I could totally make him hopelessly devoted to me. If I were a woman of looser morals, when we got to the house, I would have told him I was a little parched, so I could get inside, seduce him, and see what he was working with. But thank goodness things came into focus as I pulled into the driveway. I mean I don't want to corrupt young minds. Not yet anyway. Not when they can't even buy their own liquor. But when he graduates in a few years and he gets that first real job, if I'm still single, he might get a little graduation present! MEOW!
That's my time y'all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!
*We at 5 and possible are not responsible for any conflict that occurs after you confront a woman with a jelly belly or muffin top. Proceed with caution and at your own risk.
7 comments:
Oh my goodness! My eyes! My eyes! Where did you find those pictures? I remember in my younger dumber days I use to wear jeans that literally left a blood red line across the waist because they were way too tight! I was so uncomfortable! Breathing was a labor of love! I was a muffin top, sometimes a mushroom top about to give off spores, and on occasion a Telatubbie wearing a belt. Just not a good look.
And because there is no good transition sentence…are we cougars if we're still in our twenties? Tee hee. I'm just thinking about the youngins, who after I tell them how old I am, say I look good for my age. Thank you Mr. Youngin' me and my plastic surgeon appreciate the compliment.
LMAO -- what happened to your other prey?
Wal Mart is the spot where you see the most egregious examples. I'm like, that's not even a good look in the dark. Why are you wearing that in public? We need more quality control in our lives.
"Man, I could shape and mold him, I thought."
Boy oh boy. I am gonna leave that one alone:)
@ Amaretto - The power that is google, chile! I remember in my younger days my mama would say, "it looks like you spooned yourself into those jeans." LOL! I think to be a cougar there has to be at least an 8 year difference, so I think I just missed the cutoff. And I can't go any younger, that means I'd have to be hanging out at high school basketball courts.
@ Bellini - Trust and believe I'm still working on it! But that's a long term goal! :-)
@ gangsta d - Ahhh Wal Mart where egregious fashion choices are seen and made. I knew that shape and mold line would give men pause. I meant shape and mold him to my liking. Interpret that how you will, but remember the goggles. Heh, heh, heh...
I see slot of fashion "don'ts" on the daily, sometimes I feel bad for em but hey you should know how to dress for your body type/shape etc... I spend 8 hours a week on my fitness and some things I still would not wear, but the Lord blessed me with great sense of style and fashion "sense" as in common LOL
The cougar thing LOL just turning 34 I can't bring myself to take any dude under 30 too seriously nor am I interested in something purely lustful so I can't do anything with these young boys who step up frequently to get beat down LOL If I wanted to mold something I would have been a sculpter ;-)
lord have mercy lol
HAAAA!!! This post was so funny! Honey, you are absolutely correct the sun has brought out some shameful outfits. Thank you for public service announcement.
Leave the baby boy alone he is innocent. I know it is tempting to mold him because it would be so easy, but still let him go...lol. But like you said after he graduates and get that job, go ahead girl and do your thang!!!
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