All I am available to you
All I am desperate for you
All I am in love with you
~ "All I Am" KiKi Sheard
This past weekend I went to a wedding. And for all my tendencies toward hateration concerning this union, it was a lovely event. You'd have to have a true heart of stone, be the coldest bitch on earth, ice cold, to not feel a glimmer of something, a tingle of joy perhaps at two people committing themselves fully to each other for life in front of so many witnesses.
Considering all the "drama" that has taken place, all the breakups and makeups, disappointments and betrayals that can (and did) occur behind the scenes of the blessed nuptials, one often wonders how could she pledge her life to him after all he's done, how could he knowingly lock himself in to one woman for life?
More simply put… What is love? Is that really love? and if so, is it possible to have the good love without the "bad"?
From the outside looking in, it's sooo easy to judge, to say yay or nay. To discuss ad nauseum with other non-married, non-boo'd up, non-in-love women whether what two people share is or isn't love. To speculate about what one would and would not take, about what one wouldn't tolerate. You know you've asked yourself, how could he/she possibly love the object of their affection when they do such f'ed up things to the other person or take such gutter treatment in the name of love.
I've even been guilty of going so far as to say...if that is love, I want no parts of "that" kind of love. But I recently had to rethink that statement. For who am I to say, sitting safely in my "not-in-love" courtside seats, getting a bird's eye view of what I don't have, that I wouldn't take the good with the bad in order to experience such deep soul-tingling love, or whatever you want to call it.
Granted, there have and will continue to be some caveats to (it just wouldn't be mint julep without the caveats and the common sense). Some things, some very bad things, we can as a community objectively say are not worth the love. i.e. public beatdowns, death threats, incurable and infectious diseases transmitted without the others knowledge. but then you get closer to the edge of that slippery slope of infidelity, unavailability and brokeassness.
So what pushes a person over the edge, to become and remain so in love that they take treatment that objectively doesn't reflect LOVE? Me no know. I'd imagine love to be, what it means to truly be in love with someone, is to give yourself so fully and completely trusting that the other person will hold you down. But do we have a choice in the matter? Some say love is a choice. Others say that you can't chose who you fall in love with. I'm not sure where I fall in the debate. Cause at this moment I have a few automatic love forfeiture clauses that I can't see myself doing away with.
Yet, like the chicken-egg circular debate, I'm not in love, at least not like the couple I saw get married, so how can I say what is and is not worth the love? Can you?