Inauguration or Bust!

It’s Friday! So why don’t we have a little fun today? So I was reading the City Paper the other day and I came across this funny little article. It’s about a man named G. Keith Harris, CEO of Harris Consulting Group, an information technology government consulting firm who apparently and allegedly has “two tickets to the inauguration and an all-access pass to the night’s balls and off-shoot parties.”

He posted a man-seeking-woman ad on Craigslist and in one week after posting the ad, received messages from 720 willing women. Let’s have a look at some of his criteria with Rum Punch’s added commentary of course:

COVER THE BASICS. Interested inauguration dates must include a method of contact, be between the ages of 25 and 39, and be comfortable in ball gowns. Great Rum Punch meets the criteria so far! Race is unimportant, But of course... but applicants must have “weight in proportion to height.” I love it! Love it! What a great way to say – No fat chicks allowed please...Rum Punch may no longer meet the criteria. It all depends on his definition of a thick chick...

INCLUDE A PHOTO. Forty-five percent of respondents to Harris’ ad haven’t included a photo. “That’s the first criteria,” says Harris, who adds that the requirement is more than simple vanity. With all the high profile parties to attend on Inauguration Day, Harris’ date “needs to be someone who doesn’t mind being photographed,” he says—”or being in the company of celebrities.” Oh my goodness. Please stop it. An additional 40 percent of respondents committed a similar gaffe: stating they didn’t even know how to attach a photograph to an e-mail. Really?!? Are these women living under a rock? “Given the high volume of responses, I do not have time to teach someone how to do that, in this day and age,” says Harris. Agreed, Mr. Harris. Agreed. If you can’t attach a photo, then clearly you are not on Mr. Harris’s level. I however can, so another check for me!

BE MORE THAN THAT PHOTO. “Naturally, we’re all looking for someone that looks nice,” admits Harris. “But I was raised in a manner where beauty is only skin deep.” So while some with tickets to the Jan. 20 festivities are looking only for inaugural arm candy, Harris says he wants a date who will stay interesting “beyond the inauguration.” Do you really Mr. Harris? So what are these tickets supposed to be? Foreplay? Hoping that with these tickets a woman will just ignore whatever's wrong with you. Like your breath stinks? Or you're too clingy? Be on the phone with her girlfriends, saying, "Something ain't right with him." Friend: "But he took you the inauguration girl!" That means presenting yourself as “honest, caring, respectful, intelligent, fashionable, and a good conversationalist.” Ok I'm back on top! I am definitely all these things and more. But what about you Mr. Harris? I have yet to learn if you are worthy of being on my arm...Harris also needs a woman who will be comfortable slipping out of that ball gown and donning “sweat socks and sweatshirt and jeans so we can just relax and cuddle around the fire.” Excellent! I been rocking sweat socks, sweatshirts and sweatpants all week. And I'm donning my ballgown this evening while I watch TV. Having nice legs doesn’t hurt, either. “Every man has one weakness,” says Harris. “Legs are my Achilles heel.” Alright! I got the gams…

PICK A TEAM NAME. ANY TEAM NAME. If you make it to the post-e-mail selection round—a cup of coffee—that's all I get is some coffee? Can I get a croissant or a scone with that? here are some tips to get the conversation rolling. Harris enjoys international travel, Check! I have traveled internationally. current events, I reads the newspaper. and sports. I watch sports. All of them. Some of them. “When it comes down to sitting down and watching them, I love all sports,” says Harris. “I can’t say I really have a favorite team,” he says—though an old allegiance to the Giants may still hold some weight. Hmmm...We may be fightin'...

DON’T ASK FOR TOO MUCH. Of the 15 percent of respondents who passed the photo hurdle, Harris says he’s heard from many suitable dates that meet his criteria. So far, those women don’t live in the area—and are expecting Harris to pay for transport. He won’t. So that’s where he draws his line in the sand, eh? Putting an ad on craigslist, totally cool, paying for that date, happen not gonna…Because that would look like what? Desperation? Solicitation?

NO HATERS. Obama’s will be the first inauguration to which Harris will have the chance to invite a date, but he says the tickets came to him by “being in the right place at the right time,” not politics. Uh huh. Harris keeps his own views “close to the vest”—accordingly, potential dates need not have voted for the president-elect to get on Harris’ ticket. “But naturally, I would not want to be with a person who is a ‘hater’ of the person we’re celebrating,” he adds. “That would prove to be very uncomfortable.” Whaaaat? So I can’t pin my McCain/Palin button on my ballgown? I can't hold up my Obama's not an American sign? What about my Hillz woulda done it better t-shirt?

DROP SOME PORTUGUESE. Harris is currently studying the language to help maximize his annual trips to Brazil’s Carnival. Excellent! I have taken Portuguese! I was horrible at it. But whatev I'm sure Harris won't mind. Harris says he holds a penthouse apartment on Copacabana beach, Oh my goodness! Hold up, wait a minute! Do we really need to know this tid bit of information? Does this tell us anything about what kind of man he is? I know what typa man you are Mr. Harris, and after reading that Essence article about why Black men love to go to Brazil, I’m giving you the side eye. But I’ll still take a ticket! which he makes use of during the festivities each February. Harris says that willing inaugural dates may soon become Brazilian penthouse guests. Oh Lord. “I’m going alone to Brazil,” he says. “I would love to have this date, if the friendship matures to that level, accompany me on my travels.” Wait. Is he saying he's not trying to take his woman to Brazil? But he'll take them other places? More side eye! More side eye!

BE SENSITIVE. Harris is mending a broken heart—his ex-girlfriend recently broke up with him, three weeks before Thanksgiving and two months before the inauguration. Say what? She couldn’t hold out til the inauguration? Something ain't right Mr. Harris, something ain't right... “I wish I could take a pill to make the pain go away,” says Harris, who says the new flood of interested women is a big shift from his last missive with his ex. “She broke up with me via e-mail,” he says. Well now that's just cold. And a little funny. Again Rum Punch says something in this milk ain't clean. But uh let me go send this email real quick...

So what do y'all think about this Mr. Harris looking for a date through the internets? Anyone gonna put themselves out there? LOL!

That's my time y'all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!