Okay Girlfriend...

You are daydreaming about the latest and greatest man in your life. This dude has a great personality, can make you laugh until your stomach aches, loves his momma, listens and actually hears what you have to say, and is a sexy motha--I'm shutting my mouth! Long walks have turned into movies and plays on Saturdays, cruising to the Roots and eating passion fruit...well ya'll know Jill's song. As you allow yourself to think about having a future together your cell phone rings and it's his name on display! You guys must be on some ESP, truly meant to be, soulmate type thing because you were just thinking about him! And so you answer with all the excitement that a coincidence like this incites: "Hey Boo! I was just thinking about you!" but then you hear someone, who ain't Boo, ask you "Who's this? And why are you in my man's phone?" Ummmm. Whatcha mean your man?"

And so begins the Woman to Woman conversation...

While she tells her tale of how they have been together for a minute, have plans to buy a house, have a baby on the way and just went halfsies on an ice cream sundae-you start to feel OH SO FOOLISH! She explains that she just was going through his phone, because she just had to see-and you get to thinking about all those restrictions on his time. You couldn't have dinner because he had to help his cousin Ray-Ray move. Ya'll couldn't go to New York for the weekend because he had to drop moms off at the airport on Friday and pick her up on Saturday. You couldn't share your own freakin' ice cream sundae because he was busy finding a cure for cancer. And how about all your calls between 8pm and midnight that went straight to voicemail, and when he finally did call you back didn't it sound like he was speaking in hushed tones...in the bathroom? Naaaaaaw, you told yourself-he's just sounds like that when he's tired. And as the girlfriend continues about the life they have built together anger is growing inside of you because this "man" had you in some compromising positions. Maybe one that required knee pads, others that you ain't never done for nobody else! And had you known...well, far too many females have been here.

For me, when I was younger and dumber, it was Chris's girlfriend of several years who heralded the story of them to me. So I told her everything! Who I was, how we met, and what we did, and clearly how he lied to us both. She said thanks. There were no death threats, hair pulling or plans to come up to my job so we could settle this in a good ole cat fight. I got lucky, no drama. He, on the other hand had the nerve to call me and ask me why I told her anything (insert your favorite series of expletives here). Excuuuuuuuuuse me? Is there some manual for when you find out that you're the side piece?! I've got one friend getting text messages from a wife on Sunday morning, to which my friend could only text "Sorry, I didn't know." And I've got another friend who opted not to tell the girlfriend the truth. And then foolishly invites the girlfriend to coffee and expressed her "sincere" desire that the two could become friends. Clearly when one realizes they're not supposed to exist responses will vary. And as for me, there were a few more chapters in the Chris and Amaretto book even after this point...but like I said I was dumb then.

As the conversation concludes the girlfriend and I both wonder what the hell just happened. She's been checking his phone, email, and waking up at ungodly hours to drive by his house just to see if some other chick has slept over. Girlfriend has been digging for weeks and has finally found me. She's been trying to save a relationship while losing her sanity. And after hearing all of this I'm feeling more sorry for her than for me.

Okay girlfriend...I feel you. I'm sorry he ain't no good!

But then I wonder why she didn't talk to him before calling me...

See You in Seven