In a recent conversation with Rum Punch I revealed that I did not feel like dating anymore. I don’t know how she was able to suppress her laughter knowing that I haven’t exactly been on 100 dates like a friend of ours has claimed. But she went on to name the specific opportunities she suggested that I could meet new people and where I repeatedly and vehemently declined to go. With this I realized that I haven’t earned the right to lament about the dating climate for the black woman. Oh how easy it has been for me to sneak on the Strong Black Woman, and sometimes even the Angry Black Woman bandwagons where they welcomed, assumed and encouraged me to shout! I’ve carried the torches that incited many a conversation about how there ain’t no decent, educated, working, childless, single-like really, honestly and truly single-Black men out here. But really what do I know? I’ve only stepped into the dating waters a few times and ran ashore before I could feel how warm the water eventually becomes when you stay in it.
But you know what part of my problem is ya’ll?
Well maybe I should pluralize problem because it’s an extensive report complete with indexes, addendums and yellow sticky notes attached. But, aside from my reoccurring daydream that Mr. Right will fall from the sky and instantly be smitten and ready to wed…I dread those first conversations. Some people want to get money quick and I want to hurry up and get to the comfortable silences, the assumed weekend plans and the pet names. I know that period of caring and sharing until the wee hours of the morning is necessary before the relationship commences-and with the right person it makes missed sleep totally worth it. But with the boring, weird, wanna be playa, mentally slow, thugged-out and possibly gay (but he doesn’t know it yet) person it’s hard for a girl not to sigh over missed sleep and start dreading the getting-to-know-you process.
In the years since my Best Relationship Ever ended (please note years) I’ve had the chance to glorify that time in my mind. Another one of my problems, clearly it wasn’t that great since it’s ova right? This relationship was the first time that I let myself go. Just tossed caution to the wind. Turned a blind eye to the obvious signs of impending drowning. I lived and loved in the moment. I got real deep in ya’ll. But when it was over I was beyond heartbroken… And maybe that’s why I’ve been holding back, avoiding the dating waters for any reason, no matter how stupid. Just afraid of feeling that hurt and that cold again.
So I’m doing what a lot of women do and filling the relationship void with something else. Some of us use children, religion, knitting, promiscuity…and for me it’s my Movie Guy. Another problem. Anyone else keeping count? My good ole reliable, just drop by on a Sunday night to watch Brother & Sisters with me Movie Guy. Someone who I can share my closeted love of the Red Hot Chili Peppers-which he gets because he’s letting me borrow his cd. We’ve been friends since high school so there are plenty of comfortable silences, heated arguments and weekend plans…but there is no future here. Knowing he’s no threat to my heart, Movie Guy has been a life preserver that's kept me safe during my time of healing… and still now. And that’s a not good thing anymore.
And there are more problems that I could list…but the ones I’ve mentioned have helped create and nurture fear. My big ole paralyzing fear that I try to brush off and ignore. But really, I don’t want to end up a spinster feeding a legion of cats…reminiscing about a love from decades past... becoming the neighborhood old crazy lady. So I’m choosing to walk toward, go in and stay in that water. Singing…
Wade in the Water. Wade In the Water Children. Wade in the Water.
God’s gonna trouble the water.
I stepped in the water and the water was cold.
God’s gonna trouble the water.
It chilled my body but not my soul!
…While I swim
See You in Seven
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3 comments:
girl, i applaud you for looking critically at yourself. i think this is something a lot of us black women fail to do. who was it that said a black woman can be ugly, she can be fat, but she damn sure can't be wrong!?!
and we are so sure that the way we are going about this dating thing is RIGHT and that whatever the man is doing is WRONG, wrong job, wrong height, wrong approach, wrong man, blah blah
but a lot of times we do just sit on the sidelines and wait for someone to choose us (see by post "get ya back up off the wall and dance by yo self" for more on this). but like you say, we have to get out there and get ourselves wet so to speak.
see, we've been fed this fairy tale that the man will come, he will look into our eyes and he will choose us. there will be a spark, we will instantly fall in love and there will be no work involved, no hardships, no battles, no effort on our part...gurl stop. it aint that easy. i had to learn it, we all do, hopefully before we are knocking on 40 and still complaining about there being no good men even though we go from home to work to church on sunday not lifting our heads to say hello.
and lastly, like steve say if you keep doing what you been doing, you'll keep gettin what you been getting
no man!
LOL, this is a close relative of Rum Punch and is the person who had the 100 dates the person I was just telling you about just this past weekend? I'll have you know that she reads this blog too!!! I kid, I kid...
@Mint...Sound and sage words girl, thanks! A few fellas have told me that from afar it seems like I'm in my own world. So Imma gonna try to look up, smile more, say "yes" more often than "I gotta man"...
@U Know...No I wasn't referring to your confiding co-ed. But you should bring her by here anyway, let her see things from our view. And sweetie, is this what you are calling yourself these days? Even with your context clues it still took Punch and I a minute to figure Who You Was...LOL!
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