No More Mr. Nice Guy?

Everybody wants a superstar
who got cars and ice
walks into the ghetto get pussy bar
makes all the girls look think twice
yeah sista he got money and thangs
but is he nice for you

High Post Brotha, Jill Scott

Nice\’nis\ adj 1. PLEASING, AGREEABLE, DELIGHTFUL 2. AMIABLY PLEASANT; KIND 3. REFINED IN MANNERS, LANGUAGE, ETC., 4. VIRTOUS; RESPECTABLE 5. SUITABLE OR PROPER


So my friends and I are leaving brunch on Sunday and we get stopped at the door by a group of guys who invite us to a weekly event they host, a discussion group on male/female relationships. We start talking about said event, its purpose and then the conversation veers to that age old question: what do women really want? These men looked us straight in the face and said: “Y’all say you want a nice man. But y’all really want a bad boy.” The three of us looked at each other and said to them, “We want nice men.” We were met with protests and anecdotal stories of women who are apparently saying one thing while seeking/dating/marrying another. So I finally asked, “Who are these heffas? And why are they messing it up for the rest of us?”

I’m not joking. Somewhere along the way the nice man became the punk. The men at the restaurant told us that while we say we want a nice man, we don’t want a nice man in every aspect of life, for instance in the bedroom. We don’t want someone who’s asking please at every turn. So in essence, they said, we still want a bad boy. I’m sorry, come again. Is there no room for a happy medium? Can’t a man still be nice and be able to put it down in the bedroom? We then had to provide definitions of nice vs. bad boy, since apparently there is no in between.

Nice to me means someone who is considerate and respectful. When I say I want a nice man, I mean someone who is a genuinely nice person, someone who takes my interests and feelings to heart, the same way I would his. I want someone who is respectful of me not just as a woman (his woman), but also of the relationship. Someone who will be honest with me, won’t play games with me, and won’t intentionally hurt me. Because let’s be honest, everyone doesn’t have nice as a character trait. Some people have to work at it. Some people are just selfish. Some people are straight up assholes.

Now, onto the bad boy definition. At the restaurant we ladies were characterizing bad boys as those without steady jobs and knowledge of 401ks. But all joking aside, it also is more about their treatment of a woman. To me a “bad boy” is someone who has run through women literally and figuratively and never learned how or cared to know how to treat a woman right, never learned about the essence and importance of wooing and courting a lady. It is someone who is looking out for number one and has too many ulterior motives to consider someone else’s feelings.

I think a lot of men fall in between too nice and bad boy. So what is the word for that? Human? When I say I want a nice man, I mean it. Or do I? The other day my male co-worker came into my office. He is nice. LOL! Soft spoken, considerate, intelligent, a hard worker, seems to have a plan. But as he was sitting there telling me about the women he’s dating, and I thought to myself, uh oh he is too nice! And then I thought, “Dammit Rum Punch this is going against everything you wanna write about in your post.” But hear me out. He is telling me about how he wined and dined a woman for Valentine’s Day, I mean took her to dinner, got a hotel room, decorated it with candles and rose petals and then had the spa staff come to give her a mani, pedi and massage. And then he sneaks into the conversation: “But we didn’t do anything after that, she was too tired.” Hmmm… And then he tells me about how he offered to give $200 to this other woman he’s talking to for her graduation photos (from college y’all, from college). So I sat there looking at him, thinking that these women are taking his kindness as weakness and punking the shit outta him. And instead of a. admitting that they’re probably really not attracted to him, or b. seriously enjoying his affections and appreciating the treatment, they look him right in his face and say, “I can’t be in a relationship with you, you’re too nice!”

And this is what’s fucking up the game! This too nice mess. What the hell is too nice? Seriously, ladies, I don’t think that we should share these inner thoughts with men. Why? Because now too many of them are walking around, moping, like, “The nice guy finishes last.” Or they just start snapping on you like, “Y’all don’t want a nice man,” and then go out and kill five people and rob a liquor store to compete for our affection.

I also think as I write this and talk with my mother about it, too many women are choosing not to be grown. They are purposefully playing games and testing these men, like let me see how much I can get, how much I can challenge him, how many times I can work my neck and snap on him. It’s like they want to push a man just far enough to see if he’s gonna come at her and choke her and once he raises his hands to her throat, she’ll know that he’s not just nice.

I mean my daddy is a nice, easy going, affable, man, but cross him and he will hurt you. I asked my mom, “How did you know that daddy could go from nice to kick yo’ ass in 0 to 60 seconds?” And she says because when she met him, he was already a grown ass man and she knew that he would take care of his household. She didn’t have to try him to see if he could handle the position, his actions and their conversations showed her that he would and could.

I wonder how other women are measuring a man. What is their measuring stick? Have they/we gotten so conditioned to bullshit that when a really nice guy comes our way we don’t believe it or know how to react to it? Are we always waiting for the other shoe to drop? If we proclaim ourselves to be nice women, then is it so hard to believe that there might also be nice men in this world? Shouldn’t niceness beget niceness?

Seriously ladies, we are gonna have to have a Come to Jesus meeting about this one. We are gonna have to gather all our sistas together and come to a consensus about what we want or keep our mouths closed about it. Cause I don't want anyone speaking for me. Cause if I hear another man tell me one mo’ gin, that I don’t want a nice man. I’m going to scream. And then I’m going to ask, “Says who?”

So, it’s Friday y’all! We encourage you to come out of lurker status, and tell the 5, about your criteria for a nice guy/bad boy. Men, what do you think about this whole situation? Do nice guys really finish last?

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!