WE ARE: 5 women navigating our twenties in search of peace, happiness and love (or not). WE WRITE: about everything and nothing. From the insane to the mundane- you will find different paths taken, lessons learned and lives lived. WE THINK: you’ll enjoy it...Warning: Consumption of these views may leave you enlightened while intoxicated.


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-The Five Spot

Friday, August 15, 2008

And You Say She's Just A Friend

From time to time I enjoy watching old Sex and The City episodes on On Demand. The other day I caught one from an earlier season when Carrie and Big were just beginning to do their little two step of drama. And aside from realizing that Carrie was always neurotic, needy and crazy, I also realized that Mr. Big was a ho. In this episode Carrie comes in contact with three different women from Mr. Big’s real live little black book. First, she finds him on a date with a woman (since he and Carrie were not yet “exclusive”) and the other two women (who she meets while she and Big were at a party) allude to previous sexual encounters and out of town trips with him while Carrie was standing right there. Talking about, "You still have my sunglasses from when we went to Rio De Janeiro..." What the hell? Of course Carrie being Carrie acts like a crazy person. And Mr. Big is pretty much like “What? It ain’t my fault. I’m just friendly.” I’m paraphrasing of course, but you get it.

Now to be clear when I say ho, I’m not talking about a man who’s a cheater. I’m talking about a man who has enjoyed the pleasure of a lot of ladies. And a lot is obviously a relative term. So when I say ‘a lot’ think of that number that when you hear it, it would give you pause, make you be like say what now, make you say, “I ain't fucking him until he gets tested three times”. So maybe the women this new man in your life has slept with were just one night stands, or maybe they were regular jump offs, or maybe they were women he dated for a few months and took on great trips and bought shoes for, or maybe they were in actual relationships with them (a whole lotta relationships). No matter the who, what when, where of the encounter, what happens when you continue to run into women that this man you’re currently dating has been with? And even if he denies it or tries to play it off, you know when someone has been fucking. It’s all there in the body language, the tension, the spoken and unspoken, the nervous laughter, the woman’s glare or coy smile, etc, etc.

And what if you meet a man, as Always Funky Fresh so eloquently put it one time who is a social ho? You know the type, when he walks into the room, all the women know him because he has a tendency to want to make himself known. And while maybe you learn that he’s only slept with 10% of the women in the room and is just “friends” with the other 90%, you still feel slightly uncomfortable or uncertain or incredulous because... How do you really know? How can you really be sure? And can it really be that this man who is oh so fine and credentialed just happens to know all these women but hasn't slept with the majority of them? And does it really matter?

As Mint Julep pointed out last week, by the time you get to be a certain age, the new person in your life who has caught your eye has been with at least one other person. But when does it become too many other persons? And how would you feel if at every function y'all went to, you were always coming face-to-face with a blast from his past? Could you handle it? Would you be bold enough to ask him about it? Would you become a mini P.I. and start piecing together his trysts like it's a jigsaw puzzle? Would you pay any mind to the rumors (and you know there will be rumors)? Would you just shake it off? Would you cut a heffa in the bathroom? Inquiring minds here at the 5, inquiring minds...
That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!


Anonymous said...

Ima put it to you like this.

When you marry anyone who has been single and childless more than 30 years, you are BOUND to run into a substantial amount of history.

It would behoove you to not be all sensitive about said history.

My wife, who married for the FIRST time to me at the tender age of 34 had ZERO children and was an active member of a certain sorority.

Being a vivacious and independent sort, she made a conscious choice to live her life on her terms until such time as she was betrothed.

As such, when I came on the scene she was fairly open about her past and her desire to make her past the past.

Of course, history has a way of attempting to repeat itself, even when you dont want it to.

The thing was, It was never HER rewriting it, so I never sweated it.

and it stayed Historic.

mint julep said...

i think the ink hit it on the head. when you meet someone with an eye toward a long term relationship you have to evaluate who they are and were. so if a guy is friendly charismatic and fun to be around, he is bound to have had several relationships and a gaggle of male and female friends. this is probably part of why you're attracted to him. so you can't be searching under every rock for trysts and love affairs gone bad. ya'll have to talk about it and put it to bed. it's all about respect. the ink's wife obviously respects him and shuts past loves down so that they know where she stands as a married woman.

when 2 people decide to commit to each other, part of that commitment, in my opinion, is putting past things in the past. i probably wouldn't ask him about it, anymore than i would want him to ask me about so and so who i used to date if we ran into them on the street. if he let me know that it was in the past and he only had eyes for me, i'd be good with that.

or else who'd be left to date...anti-social no-having friends m'fers. which opens a whole notha can of worms.

MrsMeany said...

Oh, absolutely NOT. I TOTALLY agree with The Ink and Mint Julep. Let a sleeping dog lie! Let the past STAY in the past!

Haven't you EVER done anything in the past that you regret? Would you want someone DREDGING it up? Furthermore....would you tell the truth if it WERE dredged up? It's just too much! Let it GO and keep your eyes open!

Real grown-ups don't kiss and tell. You HAVE to realize that at a certain age, the person that you're dating has had other dates and mates, so why bother?

Do you want to see a LIST of all of the people that the person you're interested dated in the past? Sheeeeeeeeit! He/she may ask for yours too!!! hahaha...Hell no, I'm not giving up THAT information!

Granted, we live in an age where HIV/AIDS tests are the norm (that's really the only SPECIFIC inquiry that I would have--I'd go the extra mile of requiring the actual test results!!!) Everything else I'll find out on a need to know basis.

You can't be the black Angela Landsbury cuz that just sounds crazy! If you are the type to pay attention to the person you're dating, in time you can see the signs of a player, a cheat and all the other crazies! There's no need to get out the bloodhounds...unless you like all of that drama.

Just use common sense cuz you'll NEVER know, even when you THINK you've figured him or her out!

IntrospectiveGoddess said...

As long as the past STAYS the past then I have no problem their previous relationships, but if you got all of these so called female friends ( I am a firm believer that men and women cant just be platonic friends) blowing up your phone and everywhere I go some chick is all googly eyed talking about when you gonna call me THEN I'm gonna have a problem....I might just be waving goodbye.....

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

so im a ho?
i say not, a ho gets paid, i serve the needy lol
red cross a ho then

Rum Punch said...

@ everyone but torrance - I love how y'all are talkin grown folk shit! That as the kids say is what's up. Carrie Bradshaw needed y'all in her life...

@ Torrance - LOL! You'z a fool, but not really cause I done seen your credentials.

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