In love and life, there are universal truths. Mantras. Standard operating procedures, if you will. Certain things that everybody just knows. Rules that aren't written down anywhere but that everybody is just expected to live by.
For women, it’s THE CODE.
Now depending on where you come from, THE CODE could involve any number of situations but generally when women speak of THE CODE they are referring to that unspoken universal truth that if your sistafriend has dated, slept with, liked, or potentially liked a guy...
he is OFF LIMITS to you!
As a general principle most women can get down with this but in practice the slope gets a little slippery. As with any law, it’s all in the application.
How long you known this sistafriend? Is she really yo sistafriend, homegirl, best buddy, acquaintance or your co-worker on your part-time night job who you sometimes go to chipotle with for burritos? Did you and ole' boy ever date? How long ago did you date said guy? How did it end? Did he ever get it in and if so how often and how good was the gettin it in? Are you still drunk off the D? Did you just stalk . . . errr like him from afar or did you let that brotha know you was feelin’ him? Was he feelin’ you and you just didn’t reciprocate (yet)? Most importantly, what does sistafriend know about any of this? Or is he FINE enough to let THE CODE slide just this once cause a man is a man is a man and every woman betta speak up or not get fed? The permutations are endless.
Perhaps a “hypothetical” is in order to illustrate the contours of THE CODE.
Say you meet a guy, we shall call him Bryan. Bryan is nice, friendly, intelligent, educated and willing to take you out and show you the city. On paper, Bryan is any SBW’s dream: no kids, owns his own home, stable job. So what's the problem right? Well, despite the fun ya'll have together, you don’t like him “like that.” Yeah, yeah I know beggars can't be choosers but you don't feel a strong attraction to him. And you prefer to keep the relationship strictly friendly, although you’re pretty sure that Bryan likes you.
You tell your friend Leslie about Bryan and how you like hanging with him but that you’re not feeling him beyond the friendship level although he stay trying to push up. You’ve known Leslie for several years and consider her to be one of your best friends. Leslie comes to visit you for some weekend debauchery and on Friday night you, Leslie, Bryan and some other irrelevant characters to this hypothetical hang out. During the night, you notice a little extra something between Bryan & Leslie but you chalk it up to harmless flirting, after all you yourself have been on the receiving end of Bryan’s advances. The next evening you end up on the town again, tearing it down with Bryan & Leslie plus the irrelevants. Once t'again your spidey sense alerts you to the vibe between Bryan & Leslie. By the night’s end, Bryan & Leslie ride off to kick it while you head back to the crib to crash in a drunken haze. By weekend's end, it's clear that Bryan & Leslie have just embarked on a "new relationship."
WWABWD?
What would the Average Black Woman Do? Stab a bitch in her baby toe for fucking with your possible, back pocket dude? Not give a fuck, cause Bryan wasn't that cute (to her) and she wasn't feelin him anyway? Silently sulk for 1.5 years until Bryan & Leslie announce they gettin' married and then blow them both away in a rage of unspoken envy? Or stand up at their wedding and give a toast reminiscing about how she brought the happy couple together...black love ya'll black love!
To some THE CODE, under art. 6.9, strictly prohibits Leslie's poach. To others, the advisory notes of the Committee on Black Womanhood to art. 6.9 allow Leslie's behavior as long as she runs it by her girl first. Under what circumstances is this situation kosher (if ever)? And must one check with her girl first before crossing that line?
You ask 10 different women and you might get 10 different answers or 8 servings of hell naw with 2 sides of gurl stop, I will cut a bitch if she even tries!
What say you?
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11 comments:
Oh yeah! There is a code! If any one of my friends so much as looks at a dude I am or used to be interested in there are grounds for excommunication...that's right I get Catholic church on them!
But that's only because my friends know how I felt because I've told them in one of our phone sessions.
But if Leslie didn't know that girlfriend had feelings for Bryan then how can we fault her for not knowing what she didn't know?
Respect the Code or get a butter knife to your baby toe!! It is important to note that Leslie did not violate the code by thinking "wow...would be nice to hook up with that nice Bryan" and then going for it. She broke the code by not talking to her friend about it BEFORE making any affirmative steps towards Bryan. WRONG LADIES!! No way to justify it...WRONG.
Leslie should have talked with Ole girl and said "you are letting a good piece get stale, mind if I have a bite." Ole girl would have said, NO because I really like having him as a possible. At this point Leslie would have a valid, non-code violation reason for going after Bryan.
Feelings, Dating, and casually enjoying the D is not the only requirements for what falls under the code. If Ole girl says "Bryan is trying to push up" & "we hang out", clear indication that it falls under the code.
Clear Violation with extra penalty, because Bryan has a job, a home and NO baby mama!!!
@amaretto, excommunication? wow. well in this case, Leslie DID know bout the feelings Bryan had. does that change things for ya? would it have been ok if Leslie "asked"?
Leslie violated the code, but I would just leave them both be. Esp since you really ain't feeling dude. Leslie will get hers thru karma -we all surely reap what we sow. no need in you doing anything :-)
I truly think Leslies move was tacky as hell tho!
some folk don't care tho.
whooaaaaa! stop the presses. Ladies we are gettin' too old for this nonsense. If you aren't feeling homeboy, you can't be sulking after the fact. It's your loss and if you are feeling homeboy why didn't you speak up? Stating "he's not type" might is another way of saying- you're not feeling him.
case in point -- I once had a guy (Bradley) who had a total crush on me for years, yet he became the boyfriend of a good friend of mine. And Bradley would pester me about not dating him. So, one day i tell him are you oblivious to the fact that you courted Tina? He's like no, but i did that to get close to you. I was always feelin' you. Ummmm... no baby i don't play those games. And it's his loss.
I hope this is a lesson learned.
cosigning 100% with bellini.
if i'm not 'feeling' a guy, well maybe the next person will, and if she happens to be a friend, then so be it...i've introduced girlfriends to men who i wasn't interested in and told them to go for it...but i'll only do that if the guy has true potential and isn't an asshole.
I'd like to cosign with Bellini.
If he's a good man but you just not feeling him then why not let your Sistagirl date him especially if they are vibing. It would be nice if she would ask or say something to give you a heads up but if ya'll went out and they had enough room to get close you was hanging him out to dry anyway.
Chuck ur girl the duce and tell her call you so you know she got home safe.
Double Down on Bellini and cosign (fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik]!!!
Mint Julep sounds like you do have a problem…in my eyes Leslie didn’t violate the code. What it sounds like is that someone wasn’t honest with themselves or others. Sometimes when you play games, you loose and get your feelings hurt in the process.
Apart of living is meeting people and new experiences.
Leslie didn’t do anything wrong. If we truly love our sistas and wish them well we would take the focus off of ourselves. Realize that the connection that you wish you had with Bryan was meant for Leslie. So in this situation I would be happy for Leslie and Bryan.
And if I WAS trying to kick it with Bryan, Leslie would have known before the second evening. In fact if she had gone out with the man after the fact…THEN we might need to discuss the code.
I dont think she broke the code simply because I aint feeling the dude, it would be nice if she gave me a heads up like hey I like Bryan is that cool with you if we hang out? But even if she didnt I wouldnt trip I would wish them well...now If I had already slept with him then all hell would break loose!
thanks everyone for the spirited comments. the point i was trying to make is that THE CODE is so imprecise or "maleable" as a good friend put it. in the end, the real should carry the day. you should be real with yourself if/when you find yourself in such a situation and parse out whatever it is you're feeling: jealousy, envy or nothing at all and be real with your sistafriend in the same way you'd want her to be real with you and tell her how you're feeling.
on the real, that guy you dating prolly liked/dated/slept with at least one woman before he approached you and may go on to countless more so lines will be crossed. but it's all about respect.
The shame and guilt over hitting on a guy my friend liked is what finally got me to get my butt in Alcoholics Anonymous!
So...lol...just sayin', sometimes good can come of it!
Sober for six years now, whoohoo!
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