WE ARE: 5 women navigating our twenties in search of peace, happiness and love (or not). WE WRITE: about everything and nothing. From the insane to the mundane- you will find different paths taken, lessons learned and lives lived. WE THINK: you’ll enjoy it...Warning: Consumption of these views may leave you enlightened while intoxicated.


The View From Here will conclude on Friday, October 1, our third year anniversary. We would like to spend this month thanking all of our readers, followers, haters, visitors, family, friends, and fans for your continued support, encouragement, and comments over these past few years. Thanks y'all!
-The Five Spot

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Permanent Mistake?

Last week my friend and I had a discussion about tattoos. I have one. He doesn’t and is thinking about getting one. I laughed audibly and in my soul because he’s well past the age where a person should be thinking about getting tatted up for the first time. I told him that personally I think tattoos are foolish and if you haven’t done it in your teens or early twenties then the ship has sailed, get off the dock. It was an interesting conversation because at one point I also confessed that there are times now when I regret getting a tattoo and when I think about getting another one. And while this admission didn’t make any sense to him whatsoever my point was that you can only do certain foolish things at certain ages. Right?

Right. Okay. Please excuse me as I attempt to segue here.

Around this time last year my coworker told me that her homegirl had secretly gotten married. I met her homegirl a few times for lunches and I was blown away by this news! Mainly because her homegirl-a Black woman well into her 30s came off as a strong, educated, no nonsense (and Lord and ya’ll please forgive me) but possible Lesbian type of chick. It was just in my nosey attempt to confirm the latter that my coworker revealed that she had gotten married and only four people in the world knew about it (five including me). Who wasn’t included in the news were their mommas and siblings, this was a close friends only affair. After the shock wore off I was amazed and a little jealous of her friend’s ability to let caution blow in the wind. He’s a younger man, they hadn’t known each other for a long time and in fact lived in different cities. But when it came down to it, they took the marriage step because at the end of the day the relationship was about them…not everyone else.

Fast forward 365 days and my coworker’s homegirl is going through hell. She’s discovered a lot of things she didn’t know about her husband…including, but not limited to bouts with mental illness. She’s thinking about how to get out of this marriage with her sanity intact. With so many things going on in her life (she recently lost her job), homegirl ended up telling her mother. And if you can imagine a parent finding out that their child has done something secretly and more than a year has passed… then you know what her mom’s reaction was. It was more of a how could you have been so stupid then how do you need me to support you through this. And homegirl’s situation is a difficult and sad one right now.

I just think about how for a year I have admired this woman. She did something that I never could imagine myself doing…and to me that’s awesome! When I encountered homegirl in my post knowledge I couldn’t help but look at her a little differently. Giving her silent “you go girl” shout outs as she talked about her job or the holidays. But now that it hasn’t worked out and she’s going through, I suddenly find myself wondering how a woman well into her 30s, strong, educated and no nonsense could be foolish enough to let this happen to her. He mother asked her if she was so desperate to get married that doing this made sense to her? Ouch!

I just don’t know ya’ll. Aren’t secret marriages just for the sake of love and the relationship the type of foolish thing people do in their early 20s? Like tattoos, they may seem good at the time, and even cute for a little while afterward. But time always keeps moving, eventually someone else will see what you’ve done, and that totally bold and awesome thing you’ve done, might not look so cool when you realize that it’s now permanent part of you.

See You In Seven


Anonymous said...

Interesting post! I think foolishness comes at all ages. Life is short, we must enjoy it while we're breathing. How boring would life be if there were a cut off period for throwing caution to the wind and just LIVING?! Ole girl may have made the wrong choice but I hope that doesn't stop you from, at least once in a while, letting go and loving life. Without a care in the world of who else may see what you have done. (Maybe not in the form of a tatoo.. lol)

Aren't all of our experiences a permanent part of us? The cool, the not so cool, and everything in between? Hmmm.... you've given me plenty to ponder today ;)

Courvoisier said...

Everything I am NOT equally contributes to everything I am. Same can be said for me choices.(I think... chuckle)

Mudslide said...

Often times what is clearly foolish to us, is not so clear to the person doing the foolishness. Either, they are caught up in emotion, the flow of the moment, or are just bent on doing what they been told not to do for sake of being out right rebelious. Seldomly, under the right circumstances, there are rewards for those type of acts. Most of the time however, it leads to pain and suffering, and wasted time and energy. Then they start seeing through those 20/20 lenses everyone been telling them about. Unfortunately, they now have that out of style retro look...but still function.

I've managed to get a few pairs in my life.

Amaretto said...

@Anon-I agree! Our experiences are permanent parts of us and knowing this should not limit how we live or who we chose to love. It’s just interesting to me that it was only when I learned about Homegirl’s updated story that I felt she was foolish, and should have known a little more about the man who is now her husband. Shame on him of course for not telling her he had bouts with mental illness historically. I guess it’s just one of those things she’ll have to carry with her, like my tattoo, which I do like…but it is a constant reminder of the Amaretto I was at 18.

@Courvoisier-This is true. For you and for everyone!

@Mudslide-Ah and the man returns! Yeah, the hindsight lenses always allow us to see the forest from the trees once we look back. And maybe that’s why the Bible advises us not to look back because we can feel worse about ourselves and not let go of the things we’ve done. Even in my foolishness I don’t feel like I’ve wasted energy or time because like Anon and Voisy said, these experiences make us. I think my life has been a series of “Ah Ha” moments in which I try to discard my retro look as quickly as possible, that way I can help (and maybe giggle) when I see someone else trying to bring it back in style again.

mint julep said...

who knew it was gonna be a mistake when she first floated the idea in her head, first got that tingle in her spine when she met him? some times the risks you take in living out loud, fully, in color is the risk that you will choose wrong. you may learn later that oh shiznit he crazy as hell. but at least you choose. women (and men) should be smart in their choices (as opposed to foolish) but i think we also shouldn't be so over cautious that we don't live and love, even if it doesn't turn out rosy in the end.