WE ARE: 5 women navigating our twenties in search of peace, happiness and love (or not). WE WRITE: about everything and nothing. From the insane to the mundane- you will find different paths taken, lessons learned and lives lived. WE THINK: you’ll enjoy it...Warning: Consumption of these views may leave you enlightened while intoxicated.

SO LONG, FAREWELL...

The View From Here will conclude on Friday, October 1, our third year anniversary. We would like to spend this month thanking all of our readers, followers, haters, visitors, family, friends, and fans for your continued support, encouragement, and comments over these past few years. Thanks y'all!
-The Five Spot

Thursday, March 11, 2010

rethinking mr. perfect

so approaching 30 means thinking more about marriage for a single girl like me.  i've always thought that eventually i'd be married, without much angst and worry about the mechanics of it all.  but as i get closer to the bewitching age, marriage keeps popping up.  family members ask me when i'm going to settle down.  girlfriends ponder the man situation at just about every girl's night dinner or work day lunch. 

then rum punch posted this and she mentioned this woman lori and her thoughts, on being single.  i headed over to the article and found that she had a refreshingly honest voice about being single.  she talked about how single women can't admit to being lonely for fear of having their independent woman card revoked.  i loved what she was saying and how she was saying it.  all the things i was thinking about this marriage thing.  and then i saw she wrote this book:

marry him: the case for settling for mr. good enough

sounds interesting, right?  the title kinda throws women (and some men) i talk to off.  we're taught from an early age that we are princesses who deserve nothing less than the best.  we've gone to school, gotten our degrees, established financial independence.  why then should we settle?

but when i cracked open the book and began reading, i realized that the settle part wasn't the point AT ALL.  in her book, lori talks candidly about the trials and tribulations of being a 41 year old single woman who can't find a man.  she consults dating experts, psychologists, married couples, single women and anyone else with a relevant point of view about why she's single and can't find her mr. perfect.  and there in lies the rub.  getting away from the notion of mr. perfect.  he doesn't exist and if she met him, he probably is not interested in her.  she discovers some hard truths about herself and women like her.  in her 20's and 30's she turned away men who would have been great husbands because they weren't fun enough or liked all the things she liked or were too regular.  instead, in a chapter titled "confusing good daters with good husbands," she discusses how she went for the alpha male types who seemed to be her dream men, only to realize later in life that the qualities she wanted in a husband they didn't possess.  the guys she'd overlooked went on to marry and make great husbands.

when i first looking into buying the book, i thought "oh, but she's white...."  do white women have the same experience in the love department as black women?  can a 41 year old white woman speak to mint julep about getting a man up in through her situation?  my initial thought was no but i bought the book anyway because i'm trying to make time to read more like i used to when the subway was my main mode of transportation.  and suprisingly, lori has made me think about some things in ways i hadn't done before.  she's also said some stuff that i been saying for a while now.  white women do have their unique dating issues like their aversion to bald men and their ability to throw away a decent man because his breath stinks.  i don't think black women are quite so unrealistic, we at least have an inkling about the fact that we can't have 100% of what we want in one man.  we shoot for 95%. 

the book cautions women to think critically about what they want and to keep an open mind about the man best suited to be a husband.  "...it's not about changing the other person; it's about accepting things about the other person that you'd like to change, but can't."  it's a great read and i highly recommend it for single women (and married women).  you don't have to spend money like me, check out the short article (same title) she wrote for the Atlantic in March 2008  or the video below for a glimpse.

2 comments:

Courvoisier said...

I might need to send this book to ex Mr!

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