Please Forward! A Must Read for All Women...

What is up party people? Are you glad it’s Friday? If you are do a little dance at your computer right now. Go, go, go, go! And stop... So, I’m sure that many of you have received one of those chain ‘Every Woman Should’ Emails… You know it’ll be like, every woman should know how to change a tire in her stiletto pumps. Every woman should own a black suit, cocktail and freakum dress that fits her in all the right places. Every woman should own a black lace bra and panties set and know how to ride her man backwards. Actually that one’s kinda true. So, I said to myself, self, who made these people experts on what every woman should have, know, or be? If they can do it, then I can do it! And here we go!

1. Every woman should know what fake name to use – Imagine you and your girl are at the bar, two men approach, one is really feeling your girl and the other is serving as his wing man which leaves you to be the wing woman. You’re not feeling his friend and you can tell that your friend isn’t that interested either, but both of y’all are feeling a little parched. So chatting is necessary. Hey, it is what it is folks. Don’t act like you’ve never been in this scenario…So you’re sitting there with your drinks and then the guy asks, “so what’s your name?” Ladies, it is a must that you have the fake name at the ready! It should fit your look and “personality.” It’s gotta to be believable. It’s also important that once you pick this perfect fake name, you stick with it at all times, during all occasions. You don’t want your friend calling you Rum Punch when you told this joker your name was Bacardi. And then you gotta play it off like that’s some kinda nickname…

2. Every woman should learn to enjoy alone time – I have heard women say that they don’t like to go to the movies or dinner alone. It’s just too much pressure/embarrassment/
uncomfortableness to sit there alone with no one to talk to, not even have a book or some fake “work” to review until the meal comes. Ladies, if you’ve never been out alone to an event, a meal, a show, then try it once. See what you find out about yourself. See if you meet new people you would have never spoken to if you came with friends. See how much you can enjoy your own company. And then do it again. Yes, friends are important in our lives, but don’t go missing out on the things you want to do in life cause you were afraid to be seen or be out alone.

3. Every woman should know what the fuck she drinks – It’s nothing worse than playing cute and clueless when a bartender or waiter takes your drink order. If you are a grown woman, you should know by now what tastes you prefer. Learn what flavors you like. If you like sweet things, then learn to love Sex on the Beaches, Fuzzy navels, Amaretto sours and all things with Peach Schnapps. If you like to taste your liquor, then get yourself a martini or a cosmo and keep it moving. If you already know what you like cause you likes to drank, then please know the right drink to have at the right time. Please don’t go ordering Long Island Ice Teas, or its first cousin, Blue Mothafucka on the first date…it might set a tone…What tone? You know what tone…

4. Every woman should go to a strip club – At least one time. As a former gentleman’s club worker, I’ve said this before, I think that every woman should go once. Again, I am talking about a real strip club with a liquor license and a sign on the door. Anything else, might leave you with a bad taste in your mouth. Literally. Now, if you are saved and sanctified, then please don’t go. But for you ladies with slightly loose morals, I say go to a club and see what all the hoopla is about. You’ll learn that it ain’t that deep. And you will be able to put some preconceived notions to rest. I can’t stand seeing wives on Oprah with their weepy, I’m so threatened by strippers, they want to take my man discussions. No, they wanna take his money. Talk to a few girls. See how they twerk it and get that money, and it’s not always when they’re on the pole… Observe and learn a few tricks. Maybe invest in a pole and learn how to do a little dance for your special someone.

5. Every woman should know when a man is wasting her time – Now some people are of the thinking that men don’t know what they want right away and you don’t need to pressure them about where things are going. I certainly agree. You don’t want to be asking a man on the first, second, third date, or weeks into just getting to know each other where this is going. You will more than likely get the blank stare. But at the same time recognize when a man is just wasting your time. If you’re looking for a relationship, or just interested in getting to know someone by going out on dates, you know actually leaving your house and being taken places and all this negro wants to do is come over to your house cause you got cable, roll something up, and do a little something, something. Well then he is wasting your damn time. So, do not let him pass go. Do not let him collect $200. Or anything else.

Now, send this to 10 of your best girlfriends and I guarantee that you will be blessed with a man who has a job, is baby mama and STD free and who ain’t on the down low. If you don’t forward this link, I will send gold tooth wearing, still living in his mama's basement, aspiring rapper Day’Kquan, affectionately known as Quan to your house with his bags and a note that says, “Rum Punch said I could stay here…”

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!