This week Amaretto wrote about Secret Single Behavior also known as SSB. When I commented to her post I mentioned that I had been single for so long that I question if I’ll even know how to do the basic things like share or listen or be thoughtful.
There is plenty o’truth to this. I have already accepted a lot of things about myself, first and foremost, my selfish tendencies. And since it’s been just me, myself and I for years and years and years (ok maybe it’s only felt that lonnnngggg) I have had plenty of time to do some self analysis. Which I guess is a good thing. Especially since everything and everyone feels the need to tell me that I’m single for a reason. A. I need to get myself together, get to know myself. B. I need to figure out what I want in a relationship. C. I need to learn about me. D. When I’m ready and have myself together then my man will come. Hmmmm…
These have always seemed like bullshit reasons to me. But you know whatever. The truth of the matter is that I have been reflective, but it’s not because I was purposely thinking that if I do x,y,z, get to know myself, know myself then I will get a man. And now that I’ve said that, let me just say that getting to know you can be slightly overrated. Don’t say that Rum Punch! Dammit I said it. I think I know me by now. I have been to dinner, shows, museums, and a rack of other shit by myself. I have been immersed in my own thoughts. I have learned how to be alone. Now where is my man dammit? Or do the people who belong to the 'the reason(s) you don't have a man...' school of thought have more mountains for me to climb before my man allegedly comes?
Oh I can’t have those thoughts? Is it wrong to have those thoughts? Is it wrong to admit that shit sometimes I am lonely? Sometimes I am tired of myself all the damn time. Mainly because I know that I’ll be with myself until I die. I know that admitting these things is not “politically correct” so to speak. But I went to the Katt Williams show last week (by myself) and one of the opening acts, a female comedian named Leslie asked, “Where all my single women at?” Cheers from the audience. And then she called us some lonely bitches. And said our theme song should be, “If you think you’re lonely now then wait until tonight, and tomorrow, and Monday, and Tuesday, etc, etc.” And she said something about us single (love to claim we independent) women having that break down and being like “Why am I still single? Lord, you said if I tithed you’d send me a man…” Oh you had to laugh to keep from crying. Because the truth is there are a myriad of reasons for one’s singleness and they don’t always have to fit under that ‘get to know and love yourself' or the 'you must be doing something wrong, if you still single' umbrellas. I’m just saying.
I personally think that I am single because God is keeping me from having to cuss someone out. I mean I have been approached by some straight fools. Straight fools! And I think that God is doing me a favor by showing me these fools and helping work out in my mind what I’m truly looking for. You know since I already know all about myself. Now I can focus on the other side of that coin, errr relationship.
However, I suppose my true fear is not that I’ll be single for years and years and years. But that I won’t be. That I’ll get in a relationship and won’t know what to do. A part of being with myself all the time is that I have learned how to do for self. And I wonder will I be able to actually let someone do something for me? Cause it’s been so long. As this singleness "drags" on there becomes a comfort in being single. Since I know myself and I know what I'm going to do, there are no surprises. Feeling hungry? Well let me go get me something t'eat... Want to see this show? Well let me go ahead and get me a ticket, no need to plan or think of logistics. Want to eat all of that and not have to share with anybody? Go ahead, it's yours! Oh but throw another person in the mix and it's like, "You wanna do what? You wanna eat where? You want some of my what? And I gotta wait on your ass."
I suppose it's about finding that balance. Truly enjoying this time that you have alone, to be "free", to travel and visit friends, to see shows and plays and all black orchestras with your girlfriends without feeling sad about it. Without always looking over your shoulder like, "ok how long do I have to do the by myself thing? Is that my man standing right behind me?" To learn how to truly live my life like it's golden, golden. Because even after I have gotten myself together, learned all about myself, done me, it still might just be me. And I gotta love me. Cause I'm all I got!
That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!
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4 comments:
I like that and can relate in more ways than one. Sometimes you wonder about getting set in your ways etc when have been single basically your whole adult life.
You know what I believe is that when the right person for me does come along, it won't be hard to gracefully integrate him into my life at all and vice versa. When all the components are there, you both want the same things, doing the work a loving healthy relationship reqiures -it will fall into place, him being the yang to my yin.
thats a classic song u quoted there my home boys - cameo
WOW I totally feel you, I thought I was the only one going through this type of "singleness". And also, living where I live in (south N.VA-Bristow), most of the black men are already taken by... white women and I'm not sure if other races are scared off by a natural haired women. Who knows... timing is everything and I guess now is not my time. Maybe in a couple months we'll be posting about the "new guy" in our lives.
Women worry about being single, men revel in it. It's one of the biggest differences between the sexes and the only thing that can destroy the power that comes with having a vagina. Seriously, y'all have a vaginas, y'all should be ruling the effing world.
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