WE ARE: 5 women navigating our twenties in search of peace, happiness and love (or not). WE WRITE: about everything and nothing. From the insane to the mundane- you will find different paths taken, lessons learned and lives lived. WE THINK: you’ll enjoy it...Warning: Consumption of these views may leave you enlightened while intoxicated.


The View From Here will conclude on Friday, October 1, our third year anniversary. We would like to spend this month thanking all of our readers, followers, haters, visitors, family, friends, and fans for your continued support, encouragement, and comments over these past few years. Thanks y'all!
-The Five Spot

Monday, June 30, 2008

First Comes Love... Sometimes

My friend and her husband welcomed their first child into this world last Tuesday. I am so happy and proud and cannot wait to visit the newest addition to their family. They documented his born day by snapping photos every step of the way, from them exiting the house to her husband putting on his scrubs to my homegirl laying on the table in the delivery room being prepped for her c-section. And of course many photos of the proud parents with their new son in the hospital room and upon his arrival home.

Yesterday I showed the photos to my mom. She was doing the usual "awww" here and "ahhh" there. And then, with a look of deep concern in her eyes, she turned to me and said "when are you going to have one?" @#$%&!? You talkin to me? I'm still screening potential sperm donors! That alone can easily take a decade. A husband would be nice, but I'm not holding my breath on that one. I expressed these thoughts to my mother. Her response was what happens if I don't find that great husband or perfect sperm.


First giving thanks to my mother for that hefty dose of reality, I must admit that I really have some thinking and praying to do on this subject. Like many women [and men], I always dreamed of getting married prior to having children. I've never been one to give a damn about tradition. I feel that marriage first is just more practical. Two salaries instead of one, four hands to hold/change/feed instead of two, twice as many family members/babysitters... all that good stuff. Like the old saying, there is strength in numbers. But in the real world, it doesn't always go down like that.

So am I willing to start having kids if, at a certain point in my life, I am still single? Absolutely. I cannot think of a greater joy than looking into the eyes of my little ones and feel my heart swell with the love of a mother. There are plenty of folk who do not want children, but I have always known that God intended for me to be somebody's mama. And not just because I was born with ovaries.

Now the hardest decision to make will be when to stop executing plan A and proceed with plan B. This will definitely require preparation and planning. I would have to decide how much money I want to have saved, what neighborhood to live in (for scholastic purposes), how much time I will take off from work, etc. The most important of these variables being where is said baby coming from. Do I use a sperm bank? Well a sperm bank can tell you whatever they want about the donor but you never really know until the baby is born. What if they screw up and give me a Japanese man's sperm when I requested a Black man from Chicago? Do I use a personal donor? Meaning someone I personally know who makes an [legal] agreement to donate their sperm to me and relinquish their parental rights. I've seen many same sex couples use this method. Or do I adopt? I've always wanted to adopt a child, even if I get married and give birth to my husband's children. There are too many black babies that need a home and some love. And I don't have to go all the way to Africa to find one. There are plenty right 'chere in the DMV.

Damn that's a lot to consider! I know that I don't need to have answers overnight. But I definitely have some thinking to do. Time don't wait for no man. My grandma told me that one day. She gave birth to my dad and his twin sister at age 42; they were her eighth and ninth children. Crazy, right? Well she had a husband... Lol.

Are you willing to have children if you do not marry?

Tumultuously Yours,
Dark & Stormy


Moody Gemini said...

Funny you posted this today. I was having a similar conversation with my Mom today. She has grandchildren but feels that she is an old Grandma (59). My baby sis has an 8 month old & he is running her ragged. I asked her what about me, when I have mine? Her response---You better hurry up! Mine---Well dayum Ma!

I have considered the sperm bank & asked my Grandma if she was cool with that---Baby do what you got to do. I have thought about some acquaintances but they seem to have a lot of DNA already out there.

I don't know what I am going to do, but like you I have always felt I was made to be a Mom. Not always a wife.

Good luck!

Rum Punch said...

God willing, if I live to see 35 and I'm still single, I'm adopting a little girl. And then we're moving to Paris so we can eat croissants and wear berets. Well we might not move there, but we will spend lots o' time there!

Anonymous said...

my mom always says she wants her grand-babies too, when am I gonna have one etc SMH
I thought by now, I'm 34, I would have been married and had at least one or two children. Well I'm not married and this past June my birthday was excruciatingly hard.
One because I am still single, not even dating cause thats not easy or fun these days. and Two because the person I loved for the past 8 years had a baby with someone else and came back around to tell me that in April.
So I was heartbroken and just beside myself with grief and pain.
He not only hurt me by procreating with another woman but as I mentioned on this blog before, I also came to find out dude is Bi and he lied to me from the day I met him...So ya'll I just don't know anymore.
I'm just so disenchanted with black men, I could give ya'll more example of the bs I have come across but I'd be here all day.
My trainer suggested artificial insemination a while ago. I said if by 40(GO Halle), I'm still single, I may just go that route.

What are else are we gonna do???

Honey Devereaux said...

I don't think I want to have children without being married. I don't want my kids to think it is ok to shack or that they didn't deserve to have best parents. I grew up in a single parent home and its not fun. I plan to take the traditional route if the is the Lord's will for me.

Tray said...

Hi ladies, I was surfing the web and came across your blog. I just wanted to chime in and say that I definitely struggle with this topic myself. I'll be turning 30 this year and I've yet to meet the right person for me. After I hit 25, I've wanted to have children more and more. I'm thinking that by the time I hit 35, if I'm not on my way toward marriage, I'm definitely considering adoption. I agree with the person above in that I'd really prefer to be married before having a child. However, I believe that I can still give a child a great, loving home as a single mom. But I'm still praying that Mr. Right comes along though.