A few weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend who divulged her trials and trepidations in the love chronicles. Needless to say, there is a guy she's been diggin and seein' for a while. However, she's hesistant to clear the air and claim him (remember what I told you). Now my friend spends alot of time with this guy-- I mean they really enjoy each other's company.
So, in an episode where they're enjoying each other's company she decides to cook for both of them. So the fella is laid back watching t.v. while my girl is in the kitchen dicing and splicing vegetables, sauteeing poultry, the waft of seasonings permeating the air... dinner is served. My girl sets the table, makes herself a plate and commences to eat, and didn't make him a plate? WTF...
She literally informs him everything is ready, help yourself to a plate and utensils. Ummmm... that's downright tacky. What stopped you from making his plate? She utters something nonsensical in an attempt to justify her actions. She was pretty defiant and feisty too, about not his making his plate...
Now this story would have no relevance, except my homegirl would like to be a wife in the near future. Well, "honey you got to get on your good feet" rest in peace James Brown. I'm an adamant believer that if you want something in life you need to start mimicking behavior associated with such attainment - i.e. dress for success. So, if you want to be a wife you need to exhibit compromise, selflessness, and love. Ironically, this guy she is diggin' has been raised in a culture where women cater to men literally on hand and foot. The way Bellini rationalizes things, "girlfriend can not pass GO, nor collect $200" sorry about the Monopoly reference, folks.... But, I mean really something has to give.
What my friend failed to realize about herself is that if you won't make his plate, you won't launder his linens, or do a whole lotta stuff for your man. And granted he's not her man, but perhaps that's why.
Ladies, make his plate puhleeezze!
cheers,
Bellini
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15 comments:
Yeah that was a bit tacky, and how she gonna cop and attitude, she was already all up in there cooking away what would have been the harm in going ahead and fixing his plate on top of that....I dont know...maybe she's just off....
Nice topic..
Now, let me get this straight: the reason he has not become exclusive with her is because she refuses to play wifey (dinner, laundry, etc.)?
Now, she should have fixed his plate if she was cooking. That is tacky. But I strongly disagree with playing the part. I don't audition. I also believe there is a thick line between romantic friend, girlfriend, and wife. Too many men out here want women to "play" wifey but don't want to play hubby. I believe in being a supportive companion, and I believe in reciprocation.
If all that is keeping him from commiting to her is her lack of domestic servitude, he needs to strongly consider getting a maid, a cook, and a concubine.
I've been in a relationship with a man that was looking for a momma replacement. He was also from a culture where women are expected to cater to their men's every need. It was simply exhausting. I also been in a relationship with a man who wasn't afraid to fix my dinner and my plate, and I was more than happy to reciprocate in any way possible.
If she wants to be a wife, she needs to really start thinking about the kind of man she wants to be her husband. What is she willing to bring to the table, and is he bringing what she needs? They need to sit down and hash things out and talk about what they want for the future. If it aint him - then she needs to move on!
Hold it right there Bellini. Usually, I just absorb the posts with a chuckle, however on this great Wednesday morning I feel compelled to comment to your post.
I have reservations about and the misuse of the word “strong black women”. I’m sure this sister is probably one that associates herself with the characteristics of such. I’m not defending this brother because I’m not aware of his traits or past behavior. It is also possible that this sister may have a justifiable reason for acting in such capacity. However, two wrongs don't make a right.
From a brother’s prospective, the trick to love is to give it your all. Love is not about games, like see who is going to call who first or if I can make him run after me, because eventually you start the game and wind up captured by the game.
Straight, no chaser
Interesting topic!
I think by not fixing his plate, it keeps the relationship on a certain level. I feel like if I were seeing a guy, but not really knowing if I wanted to take things to the next level, I probably would not have fixed his plate either. However, if I was trying to become more with him (taking things from dating to bf/gf), then I would've definitely fixed his plate. So with your friend, I don't think she needs to "play wifey", per se, but she should attempt to show this guy that she cares and wants more...if she indeed wants more from the relationship.
Awesome blog! Very creative. Btw I agree she should have just brought him the plate.
Heh, heh, heh. I laugh because we have talked about this before. Well my mama is a professional woman and she stays making my daddy's plate and bringing him his coffee. 35 years of marriage and counting... I don't think you should just do things for a man willy nilly, especially if there's no reciprocity (word up Lauryn Hill), but if you want something more with this man then you're going to have to show him that you have some wifey like qualities. Now if that just goes against your nature, don't fake the funk, but then you're going to have to find a different kind of man...
@introspective goddess: my friend has an enigmatic personality, you would have to know her to truly understand.
@raspberry: u bring up a lot of good points-- and Bellini will be the first to tell you i don't condone that wifey shit. The dilemma i have about my friend is that i think there is a part within her that probably wouldn't mind exhibiting those qualities to a man (maybe even the one she's kickin' it with) but yet she has reservations and i just feel like she has to stop kickin' with him 'cuz she's robbin'a part of herself--i'll have to expound on this topic in the future...
@anonymous: u r funny-- the "strong black women" assertion is very fitting for my friend and if you knew her background it's probably not a surprise. And i believe u r right when you suggest my friend is legitimate in acting the way she is, however i feel like her behavior is a contradiction to how she would behave in more fitting circumstances. And if that is the case, which i think it is--cut the ties that bind. And i agree with your perspective of giving love all u got. And that's the problem i have with my friend-- she loves this man. And is holding back big time, and i feel like she should "GO BIG or GO HOME" -- yes i watch Real Housewives NY. And granted she's scared, but to me the status quo is not working either.
@tray: u r so right. And that's how my friend's mine is working -- trying to keep the relationship at a certain level, it may be working for him, but my friend won't admit she's head over heels in love and if she won't let herself experience that in a honest and true way, she's losing out in a meaningful way i think. Oh, and thanx for the love and don't be a stranger.
@fitness godness: i agree - all she had to do was make his plate! Thanx for the love and don't be a stranger either!
@Rum Punch: i'm crackin' up 'cuz we've debated this topic at length. My mom continues to make my dad's plate "a wife is supposed to do that" Mama Bellini's words not mine ya (LOL).
I get into with some of my girls about this one all the time. The men in my family arent allowed to fix their own plates (grandmomma's rules)so I have been doing it all my life and dont really see the big deal. But the women I have talked to who do have a problem with it all seem to have this unspoken sense of 'weakness/submission' associated with simply making sure the man has a full plate of food.
Now granted I am single so maybe my words can only be taken with a grain of salt but I told my girlfriend recently 'if you honestly knew your worth and value to the relationship this little shit wouldnt bother you.'
@sugar&spice: "I told my girlfriend recently 'if you honestly knew your worth and value to the relationship this little shit wouldnt bother you." Exactly! And perhaps that was my homegirl's dilemma she knew there was going to be no relationship, so why bother with the other intricacies of a relationship. It's like your forehead is written with the words- TORTURE ME!
he will forever remember her not fixing his plate, that's for sure.
hi bellini. i met you while we are atl for blogging while brown. i am adding your blog to my bap living links. vist http://baplivingforbapsandebw.ning.com. peace, ananda
Man or friend...I try to treat people as I would like to be treated.
If he cooked for me and made himself a plate, I would expect him to make me a plate also. This is because I would have done the same.
She should have fixed his plate unless they were friends before and he was accustomed to fixing his own plate. I think though if she was feeling him it really doesn't matter--fix his plate!
Interesting post! As a single woman who has rode both sides of that fence, I can understand your friend's dilemma. She wants to stay true to herself while remaining to seem like a decent hostess and woman. It sounds like there may be additional personal factors involved in her behavior towards this specific man... but she'll get over that hurdle with time. Also, the dynamics of any relationship play a great part in the way the people involved treat one another. It sounds she'd be more willing to get with the program if she felt there were secure ties with said man.
@funky black chick: i'm sure what my friend refused to do will stick out like a sore thumb.
@ananda:thanks; hi-how are you? expect an e-mail from me very soon.
@mjr-banx: if only the rules of engagement had been laid out prior to their messy tango-- the quid pro quo is an afterthought to my friend.
@coco: 'nuff said!
@anonymous: is it worth the agony schizophrenia brings--that's just too much imo; i believe he doesn't want secure ties, oh and my friend mentioned that phase in their relationship will be over by summer's end--what kind of arbitrary mess is that--aaahhhh... only when ur in love!
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