WE ARE: 5 women navigating our twenties in search of peace, happiness and love (or not). WE WRITE: about everything and nothing. From the insane to the mundane- you will find different paths taken, lessons learned and lives lived. WE THINK: you’ll enjoy it...Warning: Consumption of these views may leave you enlightened while intoxicated.


The View From Here will conclude on Friday, October 1, our third year anniversary. We would like to spend this month thanking all of our readers, followers, haters, visitors, family, friends, and fans for your continued support, encouragement, and comments over these past few years. Thanks y'all!
-The Five Spot

Friday, August 7, 2009

Back That Thang Up

So here at the 5 spot we talk about a lot of things – love, work, relationships, race, etc, etc. But one thing we don’t talk about that much, as another blogger would say, is chex. And I’m not talking about the cereal. But that’s all about to change cause it’s Friday and I feel like getting ignant. And here we goo...

Ladies, what is up with men’s obsession with an@l? No offense to anyone who enjoys it, if that’s your thing, do you whodie… But er gents can I give you some um pointers should you ever plan to broach the whole an@l discussion? Personally, I think it’s something you need to ease into. Literally and figuratively. In conversation and in the bedroom. You can’t just slip it in. While we’re getting it on. Or while we’re enjoying cannoli and donuts for dessert.

Call me old fashioned, but talking about chex makes me blush. I’m not opposed to talking dirty, or telling you what I like, or hearing what you want done, but it’s all about verbiage - so that it’s sexy and doesn’t make me feel like CoCo, the two dollar whore, walking the streets in a mini, halter top, and six inch Come Fcuk me heels, looking for the next John. You know unless it’s clear we at that level of freak-y. If we ain’t, one way we’re not going to get there is with you asking “do you like an@l” or saying something stupid like, “I want a woman who uses three holes.” Next.

You know how they say a woman knows pretty much immediately if she’ll sleep with a man? This is truth. And the more a man speaks, the more it can ruin his chances. And telling me on a first date over some skrimps that you know places in a woman’s foot to make her cum will have me saying, “that's where I'm going to stop you." And check please. Now you done messed up and you definitely ain’t getting none. But if you do happen to not say some dumb shyt, pass the test, and get you some then….

I think I speak for many a lady when I say you ain’t fooling nobody when you’re back there acting like you accidentally put it in the wrong hole. Poking around like we won’t notice. Trying to see how far you can go. But you already know… That type of shyt is liable to get you hurt or at least emit a, “muhfcuka is you crazy?” If that’s what you’re after, you better say something before the lights go down. It can’t be all impromptu. Gotta give a sista some time to get her mind right. Consult the experts. Find out how to do it right. Pop a percocet. I’m just guessing. Tee hee.

Now if an@l is what you’re into – then an open and honest dialogue with your partner, f-buddy, one night stand should be had. Although I suspect if it’s a one night stand,Do you want it on the floor? Do you want it on the chair? Do you want it over here? Do you want it over there? Do you want it in ya pu**y? Do you want it in ya ass? I'll give you anything you can handle,” will probably suffice.

But men please realize that the initial suggestion, no matter how correct you come, may make women squirm. But she also may be curious. And nervous. But she might not be totally opposed to the idea. And so she would need an understanding partner. A gentle partner. And a whole lotta lubrication. I’m just saying. But the surest way to get a hell muhfcukin no is to proposition a woman in such a way that she feel like she’s already been fcuked in the ass before the appetizers come. Unless of course you put your request over a techno beat and have some accompanying dance moves. You might get some laughter and a maybe.

Please put on headphones when listening to video!!

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!


Dirty Red said...

I got a problem with the whole an$! thing. I just cannot do it. It is nasty-ass nasty mcnasty to me. Ass is nasty. I had a girl once that asked me to put it in her booty.She even tried to guide me in. But Mr. Bojangles lost all desire to play after that. I had to call it a night and I never called that chick again. Ass was not made to be penetrated. At least that is what I think anyway.

mcsquared said...

I say to each its own. I agree with you about the necessity to appraoch this subject tactfully. I don't mind jabbing a ninja in the throat for trying that sneaky slip-n-slide with me.

I think most men who enjoy an@l do so because of the tightness of that area. So maybe [for those us ladies who'd prefer to pass on the booty luvin] more kegels will keep such requests at bay... Idk. Lol.. Just a thought. I am no expert by any means.

Wonder what Dr. Ruth has to say?

mint julep said...

thank you dirty red. hit nail to head. glad to hear that a man denounce the an@l. imo...an@l is nasty just nasty. my man bet not eva eva eva fix his mouth to ask or even try that wit me. pls and thank you.

Rum Punch said...

@ Dirty Red - BWAAAHH! Not Mister Bojangles. Heh heh.

@ Mcsquared - Thank you for bringing in some thought and logic to my ignant post. I think Dr. Ruth would say exactly what you I said - if that's what y'all wanna do - do it. But talk about it. And be safe. But she'd have her cute little German accent.

@ MJ - No words. No words.

Anonymous said...

what if we asked for an@l while coaxing you with a porkchop..u know gimme what u got for a porkchop??

Courvoisier said...

I am with Mcsquared... that was going to be my two cents. That is what I have been told.

You on to Rum Punch... check me on Monday :)

Cyn said...

I agree an&l and anything out of the ordinary during chex should be discussed before hand.
Don't spring anything freaky deaky on me without ample warning because I will get the hell up.

Rum Punch said...

@ Anon - HAHAHA! Well I suppose it depends on the kinda chick you're dealing with - maybe she would back it up for a golden brown fried pok'chop.

@ Courvoisier - Yeah. I mean I understand the "reason" behind it. But recently I've heard some things that have me like errr? Is that how you approaching the ladies?

@ Cyn - LOL @ get the hell up! Be like where, where, where are my panties? I'm gone...

Localicious said...

@ all LOL!!! do kegels if u must, wave porkchops if it works. but like all things of freaky deaky nature, it's best to have the convo before clothes start comin off.