Back That Thang Up

So here at the 5 spot we talk about a lot of things – love, work, relationships, race, etc, etc. But one thing we don’t talk about that much, as another blogger would say, is chex. And I’m not talking about the cereal. But that’s all about to change cause it’s Friday and I feel like getting ignant. And here we goo...

Ladies, what is up with men’s obsession with an@l? No offense to anyone who enjoys it, if that’s your thing, do you whodie… But er gents can I give you some um pointers should you ever plan to broach the whole an@l discussion? Personally, I think it’s something you need to ease into. Literally and figuratively. In conversation and in the bedroom. You can’t just slip it in. While we’re getting it on. Or while we’re enjoying cannoli and donuts for dessert.

Call me old fashioned, but talking about chex makes me blush. I’m not opposed to talking dirty, or telling you what I like, or hearing what you want done, but it’s all about verbiage - so that it’s sexy and doesn’t make me feel like CoCo, the two dollar whore, walking the streets in a mini, halter top, and six inch Come Fcuk me heels, looking for the next John. You know unless it’s clear we at that level of freak-y. If we ain’t, one way we’re not going to get there is with you asking “do you like an@l” or saying something stupid like, “I want a woman who uses three holes.” Next.

You know how they say a woman knows pretty much immediately if she’ll sleep with a man? This is truth. And the more a man speaks, the more it can ruin his chances. And telling me on a first date over some skrimps that you know places in a woman’s foot to make her cum will have me saying, “that's where I'm going to stop you." And check please. Now you done messed up and you definitely ain’t getting none. But if you do happen to not say some dumb shyt, pass the test, and get you some then….

I think I speak for many a lady when I say you ain’t fooling nobody when you’re back there acting like you accidentally put it in the wrong hole. Poking around like we won’t notice. Trying to see how far you can go. But you already know… That type of shyt is liable to get you hurt or at least emit a, “muhfcuka is you crazy?” If that’s what you’re after, you better say something before the lights go down. It can’t be all impromptu. Gotta give a sista some time to get her mind right. Consult the experts. Find out how to do it right. Pop a percocet. I’m just guessing. Tee hee.

Now if an@l is what you’re into – then an open and honest dialogue with your partner, f-buddy, one night stand should be had. Although I suspect if it’s a one night stand, “Do you want it on the floor? Do you want it on the chair? Do you want it over here? Do you want it over there? Do you want it in ya pu**y? Do you want it in ya ass? I'll give you anything you can handle,” will probably suffice.

But men please realize that the initial suggestion, no matter how correct you come, may make women squirm. But she also may be curious. And nervous. But she might not be totally opposed to the idea. And so she would need an understanding partner. A gentle partner. And a whole lotta lubrication. I’m just saying. But the surest way to get a hell muhfcukin no is to proposition a woman in such a way that she feel like she’s already been fcuked in the ass before the appetizers come. Unless of course you put your request over a techno beat and have some accompanying dance moves. You might get some laughter and a maybe.

Please put on headphones when listening to video!!



That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!