george sodini was crazy. like a fox. cray cray as rum punch always says.
the shooting on Tuesday evening at the L.A. Fitness in Pittsburgh had all the markings of a crazy person. walking into a dance class full of women at a gym. cutting off all the lights. pulling out your guns. firing off over 40 rounds. killing your self. plain crazy.
but sodini's blog opens up a whole new world of questions while providing some unsettling answers. what happens when the lonliness of a solitary existence eats away at the core of you? when living the single life extends beyond a few months or years and spans decades? what does the despair of being unable to find someone feel like?
from his blog:
"No girlfriend since 1984, last Christmas with Pam was in 1983. Who knows why. I am not ugly or too weird. No sex since July 1990 either (I was 29). No ----! Over eighteen years ago. And did it maybe only 50-75 times in my life. Getting to think that a woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things. Isolated." december 24 2008
"I see twenty something couples everywhere. I see a twenty something guy with a nice twentyish young women. I think those years slipped right by for me. Why should I continue another 20+ years alone? I will just work, come home, eat, maybe do something, then go to bed (alone) for the next day of the same thing." january 5 2009
i feel kinda sorry for sodini. not to take away anything from the deaths of his victims but what a tortured soul. how can it be that a person comes to believe that no one, no woman likes them? that they are utterly and completely undesirable to the opposite sex? more questions without answers.
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It is not that hard to have a life where you feel alone and isolated.
There are plenty of guys who go their entire pre-college and college life without ever being in a relationship, ever having a date, every having someone of the opposite sex show interest in them.
Then they get a job, bury themselves in work, perhaps tell themselves that once they have money, a car, work out enough, things will change, but it doesn't.
They may have friends, but they don't share this kind of loneliness that they feel with them. They cover it up by only showing one side of the story - they saw someone cute at the store, made conversation, she smiled, he asked for the phone number - sounds good right? That's because he doesn't tell you that when he called, it turned out to be a fake number, and that's all he's been getting for a long time, and that he's pretty much given up.
That it has now become a us vs them, well really me vs them for him. That he sees what to him appear to be jerks, other guys who don't drive as nice a car, don't have as nice a job, don't treat women as nice as he would, but they are there, living the life that good virile men are supposed to live, yet he goes home alone.
I know several people, personally, who have felt or who do feel like this. In their case, for various reasons, we are close enough that they trust me enough to actually express those feelings and thoughts - perhaps because at some point I was in the same mindset, and so they know that for some time I was one of them. That I understand. That I won't judge or think them any less of a man or person. That I understand the frustration and facade.
I am an eternal optimist. Cynical and jaded at times, but optimist nevertheless. As much as I can understand things from his view I can't imagine what it's like to live when you've lost that ability to hope or motivate yourself. Or even worse, lived your whole life never having that at all.
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