no game zone

earlier this week the very smart brothas (more specifically the champ) got me to thinking as their posts are apt to do: 5 things men say (and do) when we're just running game. while reading this, i had many a palm-to-forehead moment in between spurts of audible laughter and shit, damn, mutherfucker.

i got got. many a time. by some ain't shit negros dressed in degrees and self-righteousness who i really shoulda known better than to get got by. and then while discussing men and games generally and men aint shit but hoes and tricks in particular with rum punch i thought to myself, why men gotta play games? and rum punch replied so lovely, why can't he just say i like you and you like me, can we be?

exactly! truth and beauty, rum punch, truth and beauty.

i know there are men (or at least one man) out there who don't run game. or who didn't run game with me. or did they? they didn't? no they didn't. and as i think about what's most important in a mate, i find myself wading past all the superficial requirements i thought (and the pressures of my own black bougie socioeconomedumacationalized achievements and standards dictated) i MUST have in the person i marry. cause let's be honest, we aint getting no younger and who am i gonna do this with? the guys who seemed so good on paper are the ones who had the most game that at the time i thought was [fill in the blank].

but alas i remain single. and they've moved on to bigger and better deer (or doe). the one who they didn't wanna game. who they just wanted to be with. forever. so now i'm thinking i'd rather have a man who isn't flashy, balling outta control, the most sought after dude, or even the most swaggerific so long as he doesn't try to game me. that's it. number one on the list.

don't
game
me

just be you. no bullshit smokescreens or defense mechanisms.

ready for a relationship. right. now.
don't fuck my head up by saying i intimidate you.
know you're more than worthy of a woman like me.
wanna be all up under me on a rainy saturday afternoon.
leave me at the house to go watch games with your friends, not to find some cut friends.
simply
love me.
like me.
co-write me.
take care of me.
protect me.
be regular.

that's all i want. really. ahhhh, that it were so easy.

to start the weekend off right, a somewhat related musical selection. chuckin' up the dueces to all those who gamed me...

The Land of Make Believe

Long ago my ex and I used to follow Andre 3000’s advice and… do something outta the ordinary, like catch a matinee. For some reason we saw a lot of “romantic” comedies. They were not always my idea. Believe dat. Anywho. I distinctly remember us going to see Deliver Us From Eva featuring Gabrielle Union as the mean Black woman and LL Cool J as the man who can “tame” her.

Well if you’ve never seen the movie (which is no surprise) it’s the same boy meets girl, girl has disdain for boy, he wears her down, they have a blissful montage of laughter, long walks and kisses, they argue or something, she moves away, they are both miserable, and he travels cross the country to win her back. And so he arrives wearing a tuxedo and gliding down a busy ass Chicago street on a wait for it white horse. It was at this point in the movie (not at the other totally non believable parts) when my ex literally threw up his hands. And was all what the fuss? And then he yelled at the screen:

Now every Black woman gon’ expect a nygga to show up on a white horse!!!!

[Yeah thank goodness we were at the matinee. Heh]

So yeah the other night I decided to lull myself to sleep by watching Hitch, only I couldn’t sleep and kept wanting to watch. And the whole time I’m like Rum Punch take yo’ ass to sleep because this movies sucks! And then I’d be like oh no it ain’t that bad. And then when the characters started professing their love after like two days together I’d be like NO! NO! NO! It does suck!

There is a never ending conversation about how these movies and fairytales and other nonsense corrupt the young minds of little girls of all colors, creeds, shapes and sizes, who grow up into grown ass women desperately seeking their prince charming at every turn. And that’s why on shows like Say Yes to the Dress they be like, “I have been planning my wedding since I was four years old.” Ummm… Really? Have you?

And the 'The Real, Nah For Real, Sisters Are Doin It For Ourselves So We Don't Need No Rescuin, Ok?' Woman's Council makes it clear that these movies are detrimental to your health. Bad, bad, bad for your psyche. Your overall well being. They stay kickin' the truth to the youth. Keepin it real and funky. Love don't happen in no two days! You can be happy and single. You can, really! And for that Black Women Committee huddled in that corner over there especially, ain't no nygga showin up on a white horse. So, hope you've been putting money away in your IRA.

And so you swear off these types of movies! Or at least paying full price for them. And you get to an age where you might subject yourself to a romantic comedy (strictly for entertainment of course ), but you don't dare believe any of it. Cause that’s just a fairytale, she just happens to have traded a bucket of water for a Chanel purse.

But then when you come out of the dark theatre, and turn the pages of real life aka all these wedding stories in the newspapers. And Minty knows them better than I do, but the ones I do see be like: perfect couple met 20 years ago in college. Sometimes they dated. Sometimes they were just good friends. Then they traveled the world separate and apart. Married and divorced other people. And then fate brought them together again whilst working at an orphanage in Siberia. And you be like word?!? That really happens to people? Why that’s the stuff movies are made out of!

And don't let it be Black people with the most romantical story ever! I think everyone saw that PowerPoint email that was goin round of that Black guy who rented out half the Ritz Carlton, had chick's friends from kindergarten, pastor and parents gathered for that surprise wedding proposal. You be like awwww damn!

It’s like damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Don't wanna trust these movies where people fall in love at first sight. But can't really trust these real life stories where he immediately knew she was the one, she wasn’t so sure, she stayed on his mind, and then he did the mostest to woo her. I mean you wanna believe that things can be that easy (seemingly of course, I know it take work - but stay with me people. Ok? Ok!). Effortless. Beautiful. But it's like unicorns. Or mermaids. Or shooting stars. Or nyggas on white horses.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

A Return to Normalcy*

So, every year, I go up to the mountains on this woman’s prayer retreat. And you can write your prayer requests down and the might women of God pray over them. So I write down a lot of things, and being the single Black woman that I am, I be like, “God if it’s your will, I pray for a husband.”

And then since people be like you gotta be specific with God, don’t just write down a husband, then you don’t what you’ll get. So, I be getting specific. I don’t go into physical description or have mandates, like he must be taller than me. And that kinda stuff. Now when I first started going, my list was lonnnnnnnng. Characteristics like God fearing, patient, trusthworthy, hard worker, and so on. Real specific like. And then as I kept dating and met guys who seemed great until it was like boom pow surprise – I made it short and sweet last year – something like God if it’s your will, and you send me a husband, let him: Love You, love himself, love me and any kids we have. Amen.

But um, I see now I’ma have to make an addition to this year’s request and ask God for something that seems so simple, but is actually oh so elusive - ask for someone normal. Plain and simply normal. Other definitions according to www.thesaurus.com: Ordinary. Regular. Typical. Sane. Rational. Reasonable. Right-minded. Sound. Well-adjusted. Normal.

Cause clearly right now crazy keeps asking me out and taking me to dinner. And it’s not the same crazy. Oh no, it’s different kinds of crazy. And it’s not on the surface crazy. It’s the just when I think, “hey we are having good convo. This guy seems aiight. I might could…” kinda crazy that jumps off the plate in mid-conversation.

Is it too much to ask for someone to not invite me out somewhere and then not abandon me and not pick up his phone when I arrive at the location? For me to not be on my second outing with a guy and have him ask me, “would you ever go to a sex club?” Head cocked to the side, like “errrr… weren’t we just talking about how crazy this weather has been? Segue much?” And then have him tell me all about his prior sex club experiences. Yes, that’s plural on purpose. For a guy who was fake digging me, I say fake cause he only called me on occasion, to not say to me, “every time we speak, you’re always so animated. I like that and I hope you’re animated like that all the time. If you know what I mean.” Duuuuude. Really? Click.

Sigh. Just normal. He ain’t gotta be no gangsta. He ain’t gotta be no balla. © Teedra Moses He doesn’t have to have climbed Mount Kilimanjaro of the corporate ladder. Or have acquired this and that. Or have this thing called life all figured out. Or be complacent and have no motivation to have a better job, or a better community, or a better world. Can he just have some damn sense? And some manners? And like thesaurus said and the old folk say, be in his right mind? And be normal?

I mean I know we all have our own quirks and idiosyncrasies. And I’m not saying I’m perfect. Or I’m the ish. But I would like to think that I live a normal life. I go to work, go to church, out into the world on occasion, see plays and shows, go to work some more, write, travel on occasion. Not boring or unfulfilling per se. But it’s pretty basic. Do I have hopes and dreams and desires? Sure. But I’m not going to watch people have sex with donkeys and then inviting unsuspecting people along. I treat people with respect. I am conscious of things like personal space and life boundaries until you’re at a mutual comfortable space with that person. I try very hard to be a woman of my word.

Mint Julep and I have joked about this lots – but seriously like the next dude who has consistent follow through, ain’t talking that jibber jabber, and is living a life that I deem normal – cause everyone’s normal is different. Maaaaaannnn! It’s gonna be on and poppin. Like for real. With age, comes wisdom, the wisdom to recognize that normal, safe, and “boring” is where it’s at when one is interested having a companion and a family.

And so I hope the Lord reads this here blog cause I can’t take much more of this. It’s enough to make you wanna bury your head in the sand and be like I don’t want no mo’. I’ll just live off the memories. Thanks for the good times. But that's probably not the best approach. Lol. So I will take my head out the sand and continue to get my socializing on, but to quote ol' school, just a lil' cocky, not totally off his rocker, Kanyeze, "Man, man, man, if another crazy nig approach me again, I will be assaulting him..."

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

* Word up Warren G. Harding

Soul mate, smoul mate

So Amaretto kicked it off with her post this week on the ‘one’. And then Mint Julep picked it up with the ‘twos’. And I’m going to make things even more complicated with the ‘sines, cosines, and tangents.’

Sine - Is there such thing as a soul mate? If so, what does it look like?

Cosine - And what if two people think that the same person is their soul mate? What happens? Can they battle it out in the streets? Have an old fashioned duel? Does the one who eventually gets that person have sole claim to the soul mate title? What if the person who didn’t “win” still thinks that person was their soul mate?

Tangent - And if everyone can’t/doesn’t get together with their soul mate in this lifetime – will they at least, if for only a brief moment encounter that person sometime, somewhere along the way? Would that be a glimmer of hope or just cruel and unusual punishment to think that you had met your soul mate, but couldn’t be with him forever?

Due to recent sit’chations in my life – these questions have been going round and round in my brain. And then I saw that damn 500 Days of Summer movie - and I’m not using ‘damn’ in the sense that it was a bad movie, but more in the sense that it left me feeling even more uncertain about this thing called the love and all its antecedents – 'the one,' 'soul mates,' etc, etc.

And so I ask these questions because I doesn’t know. Like at all. I used to think the concept of soul mate was kinda corny. I always envisioned it as very ethereal. And intangible. A little something like this: “A soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soul mate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soul mate is the one who makes life come to life.” ~Richard Bach

Uh yeah. What is this mess? I gotta be honest and say he lost me when he started talking about balloons.

I read that quote multiple times and was unsatisfied, so I went to a practical place on the internets for an answer. Dictionary.com defined soul mate as: Noun, a person with whom one has a strong affinity. And: n. One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity.

Well hot damn! That sounds easy enough. I’ve been compatible with certain gentlemen in those particular areas in my lifetime. And yet I wouldn’t call any one of them a soul mate. I mean we ain't together for a reason. Several reasons. There has to be something deeper, between y'all right? A real, for real, nothing can come between us connection, right? I mean that's what I've heard. And so I clicked on a few more links and found this: Soul mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. ~Author Unknown

Hmmm… Mayhap we’re getting warmer. Or are we? These could all be right. And they could all be completely wrong. Cause when I put the word soul mate into google, like with all searches, the results were all over the place. There were tips on how to find your soul mate. Quotes about the meaning and definition of soul mate. Answers to the my very own question: what is a soul mate. Information on soul mate marriages – which I guess implies that we all don't marry our soul mates. Tee hee.

Everyone has an answer. A suggestion. A scientific study. But for a girl who felt like she was really close to something good, was ready to leap without looking, totally go for it, only to be blind sided, have it slip from my grasp and then be moved completely beyond my reach, and then go through the agony of being benched and having to watch from the sidelines while trying to rise above it all and not hate and/or envy the new star player who ain't even a first round draft pick (oh wait that ain't right - see there's that hate) - these definitions, explanations, reasonings don't bring comfort. Or encouragement. Or hope.

They just make me cock my head to the side, purse my lips together and think, "o rly? That's how you feel in your spirit about this whole soul mate thing? That's how it's supposed to be? Sounds like some bullshyt to me." Until I found this quote during my research: Lust is easy. Love is hard. Like is most important. ~Carl Reiner

Three simple sentences. Succintly put and totally on point. An easy mantra to call on, remember and agree with, regardless of if you believe in the concept of soul mates, the 'one' and everything in between. Something to hold onto when these nigs is actin' a fool. And when it's one bad date after another. Or no dates at all. When the biological clock is ticking and settling seems like the best road to take. When he's just good enough. Too good. Or ain't shyt. When things look bleak. And when there's promise. When you just know. Or are completely unsure. When you're waiting patiently. Or totally consumed. And when you're just trying to figure it out. All over again.

That's my time y'all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

the twos

amaretto got me to thinking about "how does the story of the one go? how should it go?"...


as i said in my comment, "it has to be a mutual 'thinkin he/she the one' or 'the twos' perhaps is what ima start calling it. the two of you have to click together, mutually, at the same time." and as i thought more about it, the story of a friend of mine who seemingly has found "the one" came to mind.

about a year ago, my friend tom* graduated school and moved to a new city to start a new job. on this new job he met an australian woman, nicole* who had come from her homeland to do an internship with his office. they became fast friends but unfortunately for tom, nicole had a boy back home. from the start, things clicked for tom. he knew he liked her but because of nicole's situation he played the friend role, unsure of whether nicole felt the same way he did. and so tom and nicole got to know each other very well and bonded over their mutual commitment to and passion for their work.

tom held his feelings inside while being the best friend he could be. and so it came to pass that nicole's time in the states drew to a close. over dinner during her last night in town tom and nicole reminisced on the joys of their friendship, saying their mutual goodbyes, not knowing if they'd ever see each other again. afterward, tom went home and cried (yes, cried) at the loss of his good friend (and the woman who might have been the one).

nicole went back to her boy in australia but she and tom stayed in touch regularly. then out of the blue one day nicole told tom, "listen, i have some things going on here, and i need to not talk to you for a spell." tom's heart sank at the thought but he occupied his time with the demands of work and the fellowship of friends. and for three weeks he heard nothing from nicole. and then while on a week's vacation in hawaii tom heard a word. nicole reached out and after the small talk nicole suggested, "come on over to australia." and so he did.

it was during tom's time in australia that the click really happened. simultaneously. nicole confessed that when she first met tom she really liked him as well. that things had clicked for her when they first met but because of her relationship back home she didn't jump in. nicole shared that she and the boyfriend had trouble before she left for the states but that she wanted to make sure that she gave that relationship one last try. and that the reason for the breakup wasn't tom. and she confessed that after that last dinner she cried too!

and so, tom said to me over drinks one night, that was how he met "the one." that when he clicked with nicole it wasn't hard in the sense of how they related to each other, just difficult because didn't know if she felt the same although he kinda suspected but didn't know for sure how he felt. it was easy. like home. kinda like jill scott's easy conversation...

I like that I can talk to you

And you seem to adore it

I like that I can tell you

Exactly how I feel

I like that you don’t

Look at me in that confused kind of way when

The thoughts are running through my mind

And I can’t seem to find

The right thing to say

Ohh this feels nice

Our easy conversation

Ohhh this feels so right

Our easy conversation

Ohh ohh ahhhh

This feels nice

I really like when you speak to me

You never front

You always tell me straight up

*names changed to protect the lovers

Sky Blue?

So when you are a single 20 something going through life a lot of time is spent assessing your relationships with people. Well let me not speak for all 20 something kind, let me just speak for myself. I think I spend a lot of time thinking about my relationships with people. My friends, my parents and the men folk that I know. And it can be a confusing thing to say the least. I mean for most of my life I knew the was sky plain old blue, but now with age, experience, enlightenment and the changes and turnarounds I’ve gone through in life…I wonder is the sky just plain old blue? Is it maybe cyan, azure or cerulean? I’m finding that it’s the subtle differences that change everything!

So my philosophy on love and men folks got further messed up this weekend after Rum Punch and I saw 500 Days of Summer. It's was a cute quirky movie in which Boy meets Girl, and though the movie forewarns you that it is not a love story, I was still shocked when the plot twisted and turned to devastation. In the flick the Boy is all about love. He ascribed to the school that when you find that person, the ONE, then it will be clear and obvious and you’ll just know that this is the person for you. Rum Punch said that it was clear that he was smitten-smitten is such a nice word isn’t it? Anyways, the Girl, not so smitten. She wasn’t drinking the boy’s Kool-Aid. She wasn’t a believer in that mystic must be fate, love brought us together stuff…until. Until, through a series of events she becomes a believer because she finally knew what the boy was talking about-that when you meet that person, the ONE you just know.

Well ladies, and lone gentlemen this is where the confusion sets in, because as this movie imitated life the Boy truly felt that the girl was the one. He just knew it. But the girl was not immediately convinced. So what gives? How many of us have met a person and thought this could be it They could be the one? And so how are any of us supposed to know when the connection has been made or hasn’t been made? Which is part of the reason why my philosophy on love and men folks did not include these here today gone tomorrow type of feelings of love. In my mind it was all about partnership with a person who brought something to the table but could also make me laugh, but we’d mutually work towards the goal of making it in life. But this movie and people that I have recently let into my life all believe there should be feelings and a sort of knowing that This.Is.It! And I wonder Really?

And so begins the rocking of Ameretto’s little boat under a blue sky on blue water. Because I’ve heard the stories where the woman knew before the man spoke that he was the one and was willing to wait until he got the clue. Or that they both knew instantly. I’ve heard the stories about two friends getting together after years of just being friends. Two strangers, just strangers staring at each other from across the crowded room, and at the 50th Anniversary their single grandkids look on in awe and amazement, because things like that just don’t happen anymore. So how does the story of the one go? How should it go?

And it would be nice if this feeling of knowing really existed. And who am I to say that it doesn’t. If you could know before you put in the work that a relationship requires. I just have never felt that sense of knowing with anyone. And maybe foolishly or wisely I just thought knowing this person you just told things you never told anyone else was enough because certain love doesn’t exist. But maybe it does. And because it does, that’s the reason why I am single. As I sit here in my slowly rocking boat, I think maybe the sky is more cerulean than just blue, and love it just waiting for the right moment for me to get to know it.

See You In Seven

somebody for everybody?

george sodini was crazy. like a fox. cray cray as rum punch always says.

the shooting on Tuesday evening at the L.A. Fitness in Pittsburgh had all the markings of a crazy person. walking into a dance class full of women at a gym. cutting off all the lights. pulling out your guns. firing off over 40 rounds. killing your self. plain crazy.

but sodini's blog opens up a whole new world of questions while providing some unsettling answers. what happens when the lonliness of a solitary existence eats away at the core of you? when living the single life extends beyond a few months or years and spans decades? what does the despair of being unable to find someone feel like?

from his blog:

"No girlfriend since 1984, last Christmas with Pam was in 1983. Who knows why. I am not ugly or too weird. No sex since July 1990 either (I was 29). No ----! Over eighteen years ago. And did it maybe only 50-75 times in my life. Getting to think that a woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things. Isolated." december 24 2008

"I see twenty something couples everywhere. I see a twenty something guy with a nice twentyish young women. I think those years slipped right by for me. Why should I continue another 20+ years alone? I will just work, come home, eat, maybe do something, then go to bed (alone) for the next day of the same thing." january 5 2009

i feel kinda sorry for sodini. not to take away anything from the deaths of his victims but what a tortured soul. how can it be that a person comes to believe that no one, no woman likes them? that they are utterly and completely undesirable to the opposite sex? more questions without answers.