Hey y’all! So last week I provided this article by Lori Gottlieb. I wrote about one aspect of the article – being lonely. And promised to tackle her other point -what some may call “settling,” but what Gottlieb chooses to call, “choosing Mr. Good Enough.” Yes, as opposed to holding out and waiting for THE ONE!
While I didn’t go purchase the book, so I don’t have all the details – I understood right away what she was trying to say. Get that ‘perfect man, Mr. Right vision’ out of your head and come back to reality. And I knew all week exactly what I was going to say in this here post.
And then yesterday someone sent me this article about a Black woman, Karyn Langhorne Folan, who has married a white man, written a book titled, Don't Bring Home a White Boy: And Other Notions That Keep Black Women From Dating Out, and is now encouraging us Black women to expand our minds and date outside our race. Thanks, lady. Where would I be without you? Since there’s an abundance of available white men in the DC metro, with your great advice, I will be Mrs. Rum Punch in a year! Huzzah!
Look, I get it. People have ideas. That’s why I come here and share my thoughts once a week. It’s what keeps people tied to twitter. It’s why people pick up the pen or the laptop and write pages upon pages of what will someday become a book. And I’m not saying that these ideas have no merit or value. I’m just saying that at some point, don’t we have to be gosh darn individuals and figure things out for our own lives? Cause what worked for Michelle O, or Hillary Clinton even, or Alma Powell, or your sister, or your homegirl, or that chick who works on the fifth floor, or your momma, may not work for you. Or me.
And who am I? And what do I want? And what do I need? What can I handle? What do I desire? Ok, but what is realistic? And what is my ultimate goal? These are crucial questions that everyone must ask him/herself when looking for a mate. Or a house. Or a vacation. Or a car. Or a puppy. Or a stock broker. Or a new hairdresser. Or a job. Etcetera, etcetera. But let’s focus on a mate.
The elusive person you’re supposed to be with. Apparently this is where us women need the most help. Especially us Black women, with our high standards and our superficiality. This is when people shove books, news segments, 'Mama I Want a Huzband' musicals, and the Good Book in our faces and say that we need to – try the blue collar brotha, the white man, the Asian doctor who’ll also cook for you, the short guy, the chunky one, the widower, the old man, and so on.
Very rarely, does anyone just give it to you straight, unless you’re Dark and Stormy’s mama of course (ha this like D&S’s third shout out – she’s gonna be mad at me) and tell you very simply to find someone who’s good for you. And then leaves you standing there literally and figuratively to figure out what that means for you. Thus forcing you to figure out who you are and what you need.
Y'all it never ceases to amaze me that when I watch Wife Swap how many "crazy" couples are out in this world. There'll be a wife who is a practicing witch. Or one who runs the house like a drill Sargent. Or a wife who has decided to say f-convention and be an acrobatic/clown. Or who insists on living in a trailer because she's afraid of houses. Or a wife who demands breakfast in bed every morning and her feet kissed at night. And I'll be like that lady is insane! And yet there she is part of a two, having found someone who could live with alladat, who is seemingly getting their needs and desires met, who considers those to be "quirks" that make her special while the rest of the world may see them as crazy. These women found someone good for them. And them alone. Even though it often leaves me and I'm sure a majority of viewers baffled at how she did it. Lol.
Because as a woman who’s pushing 30, with all these old church ladies tellin’ me I got time, on the flip side of that some of 'em seem to think picking my- emphasis on my- mate is like being blindfolded and playing a game of pin the tail on the donkey and it doesn't matter if I'm nowhere close to the tail, saying things like, "well such and such is nice...” Ok ma, and? But is he nice for me? Is he good for me? Will he be good to me? I’ve dated a variety of men – some were quite handsome, some short, some razzle dazzled me, some chubby, some professional, some not, some funny, some dull, some assholes, some kind - overall, on the surface, seemed to be decent guys.
But not good for me because – they lied, we didn’t share the same values, they weren’t supportive of my dreams and aspirations, they were looking for a Stepford wife, we didn’t speak the same love language, they lacked ambition, we had different views on family and rearing children, we lacked proper communication, and so on.
Ahhhh... But to get to the good - one must strip away all the bullshyt - both yours and your potential mate's. Re-evaluate. Prioritize. And then work to uncover the best. Ooo didn't that sound good and profound? Y'all be on the lookout for my new book - A Good, Better, Best You: Finding Someone to Mate Your Life With. Available on Amazon, disappearing bookstores everywhere, and at half price with your next Tyler Perry movie ticket.
That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!
SO LONG, FAREWELL...
The View From Here will conclude on Friday, October 1, our third year anniversary. We would like to spend this month thanking all of our readers, followers, haters, visitors, family, friends, and fans for your continued support, encouragement, and comments over these past few years. Thanks y'all!
-The Five Spot